Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet: I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work. I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo. ...

New Diet

I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work.

I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo.

There aren't many options. Styrofoam packing. Saliva. Huge gulps of air.

Or you know those performance artists guys who eat 6 pounds of metal, one little bit at a time? That's an option.

It works.

Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds

Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds: As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds. The question is…what do I mean by "meds" . ...

Taking My Meds

As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds.

The question is…what do I mean by "meds".

There's two choices, at my age.

Medication

or

Meditation.

To medicate or meditate.

They can be easily confused. Both require me to hold still and focus on something. In the case of meditation, it's a sandy beach with Charlize Theron in a "therong". For medication, it's the wonderful feeling of pills distorting my sense of reality.

I have trouble swallowing the benefits of meditation. It's iffy, subjective, and boring. Don't ask me to close my eyes unless you want me to go to sleep.

Pills I can easily swallow.

They're wearing off. Gotta go.

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer: I wanna be a lawyer so I can go to my tailor and say, "Give me a law suit."

Lawyer

I wanna be a lawyer so I can go to my tailor and say, "Give me a law suit."

Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013

Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013: Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013. What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone. It kinda was...

Ice Storm 2013

Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013.

What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone.

It kinda was. Well, except for the dead bodies, land mines, tanks and artillery, disease, starving children, destroyed buildings, the smell of death hanging in the air.

But there were a ton of tree branches down. One doesn't forget that kind of stuff easily.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time

Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time: What do you call a self-employed farmer? An entremanure.

Bad Joke Time

What do you call a self-employed farmer?

An entremanure.

Helloooo Newman: Own the Room

Helloooo Newman: Own the Room: Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.

Own the Room

Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.

Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus

Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus: It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus. I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Lit...

God and Jesus

It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus.

I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Little Drummer Boy? That's my favourite religious movie, mostly because I've always wished I could play the drums. If Jesus were a decent guy He would give the drummer boy a full spread of drums, instead of that rusty tin thing He picked up at a garage sale.

I suspect He avoids God during these times because He's afraid God will find some other place to lock him up in other than a cave. "Hey Jesus, I want you to sleep in this Smart car for 3 days. While we're at it let's put Noah and all the animals in there too."

"Ya, it's to save humanity again. Global warming and all that shit."

"What? Sure I could save them, but what fun is that? Infinity gets boring after the first 10 trillion years. Wanna play Jenga with the African continent?"

I like to think I'm smarter than your average religion, but have you noticed how I capitalize He when I'm talking about God and Jesus? Habit? Or I'm afraid They observe grammatical tradition very closely here on earth.

Recently I heard a priest say that you don't have to be religious to have faith. That's true, but not the problem we have in this world. The problem is you don't have to have faith to behave religiously.

Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare

Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare: Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published? I think we are.

Swiftian Nightmare

Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published?

I think we are.

I mean, Trump isn't one of her ex-boyfriends, so what does she care?

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me: Santa wrote me. Dear Paul: You do realize the words to the song are as follows, He sees you when you're sleeping And he knows whe...

Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Santa wrote me.

Dear Paul:

You do realize the words to the song are as follows,

He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake

I've never known you to be awake. You have to wake up sometimes if you want gifts.

Quit the napping.

Santa.

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol: Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?" It's true. I am a ...

Favourite Christmas Carol

Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?"

It's true. I am a father. And I love mistletoe. More than camel toe. I wear it just above my ass so people can kiss it. I make a list, throw it in the fire, and check it twice to make sure it burned.

Some people think this bah humbug act is an act. It is. It's also typecasting.

So what do I listen to while I'm throwing old Christmas tree needles at the elderly and getting hammered on Jager?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This. Trust me. It will put you in the mood. Or a mood.

Give it a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnRPDQCQMNU

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble: Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad. I'd like to offer some words of comfort. You need to drink more fucking...

Peloton of Trouble

Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad.

I'd like to offer some words of comfort.

You need to drink more fucking alcohol.

You need to skip the tv commercials, like everyone else does.

Use the fucking mute button.

Pull that exercise bike from out of your ass and put your ass on the bike. Try losing 2 pounds. It's fucking hard.

All those years I wasn't able to fit into my fucking two-piece bathing suit. I got over it.

My wife watch the ad, and do you know what she did after?

She went on with her fucking life.

You want to be offended? Read this fucking blog.

Oh, and Happy Holidays. Hope you get everything you wish for.

Helloooo Newman: Transitions

Helloooo Newman: Transitions: My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they are are – contacts...

Transitions

My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they really are – contacts.

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten: I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps....

Top Ten

I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps. Gee, think I'll get #11 for my wife.

Here's my top ten list of the worst top ten lists.

1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of them
4. All of them
5. All of them
6. All of them
7. All of them
8. All of them
9. All of them
10. All of them

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn: Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and...

Food Porn

Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and then watching porn.

Meh.

Helloooo Newman: Ego

Helloooo Newman: Ego: It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Ego

It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?: U.S. Intelligence agencies have admitted they made an error and now report that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Who Hacked the Election?

Republicans are now speculating that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him

Helloooo Newman: I Barely Know Him: More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine. Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump ask...

I Barely Know Him

More and more people are coming out and admitting that Donald Trump asked for a quid pro quo from Ukraine.

Rudy Giuliani: Donald Trump asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I barely know the man. I hear he's a reputable lawyer, but don't know him.

Mike Pompeo: Yes, Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: Listen, I barely know the guy. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Mike Pence: I was there and Donald Trump definitely asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: I run into him in the halls, but I barely know him. I hear he's a nice guy, but don't know him.

Melania Trump: Last night in bed Donny-poops said that he asked Ukraine for a quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: We're married, but I barely know her. I barely know my other wives too. Or the women I assaulted and raped. I hear they're all sweet. Barely know them.

Barron Trump: I think daddy did something bad to squids and crows.

Donald Trump: I barely know the kid. I've seen his tiny suits hanging in the closet. Maybe we met once, maybe twice. Nice kid. Don't know him.

God. In his prayers, Donald Trump definitely asked for a quid pro quo with Ukraine.

Donald Trump: God who? I don't know the man. In fact, I've never met him. Can you find a picture of me with him? No.

I barely know them.

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel

Helloooo Newman: Time Travel: It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898, time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about t...

Time Travel

It makes complete sense. Greta Thunberg, bored with her life in 1898 (gathering and hewing wood), time-travelled to a period in human history when humans are about to go extinct from climate change. Exciting times.

Helloooo Newman: Tumour

Helloooo Newman: Tumour: I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour. Oh, that tumour is the ...

Tumour

I think the reason I don't eat grapefruit anymore is that they're always compared to the size of a tumour.

Oh, that tumour is the size of a grapefruit. Same with pears. Never eggs for some reason.

Can we pick something other than food to measure tumour size? I don't want to eat a tumour. It causes tumours. How about just using a tape measure.

Golf ball is a better choice. Golf is an annoying and stupid game and shouldn't exist, just like tumours are annoying and stupid.

These days I only eat the fruits that can't be compared to tumours – banana, pineapple (you'd be dead if the tumour were that big), screw pine (because no one's heard of it).

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest

Helloooo Newman: Vision Quest: My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Vision Quest

My vision is so bad these days I wear glasses while I sleep so I can see my dreams better.

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Helloooo Newman: Canada Finally Pops its Cherry: Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Canada Finally Pops its Cherry

Hey, I'm as shocked as you are.

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem

Helloooo Newman: Greatest Hits: Fuck Old Man Winter – A Poem: Fuck Old Man Winter. Fuck him. Fuuuuuuck him slowly. Fck him fast. Fuck him sdrawkcab. Fuck him forwards. On top. On bottom. ...

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow

Helloooo Newman: The First Snow: Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's dr...

The First Snow

Today is the first day of snow in Toronto, otherwise known as the first day Torontonians have ever seen snow in their lives. So let's drive like it's the first time we've ever driven in snow. Let's walk like it's the first day we've ever walked in snow. Let's shut the subway down because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's send out the firetrucks because it's the first time it's ever snowed. Let's watch the power go out because it's the first time it's ever snowed.

And let's pretend like it's the last time it will ever snow.

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of cours...

No Hookers

Instead of a "No Soliciting" sign on the front door of my house, I have a "No Hookers" sign. But it's fake. Of course I want hookers to stop by.

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style

Helloooo Newman: Single, Emma Watson Style: Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered". Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Single, Emma Watson Style

Emma Watson says she isn't single but "self-partnered".

Ya, I masturbate a lot too, Emma.

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For

Helloooo Newman: Worth Killing For: There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Worth Killing For

There aren't many things worth killing for in this world, but the new Popeye's chicken sandwich is certainly one of them.

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Black Christmas: It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols?  I need Christmas carols crashing through my eardrums.

Black Christmas

It's November 3rd. Where are the Christmas carols? 

You expect me to get through 2 solid months without Christmas music?

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable

Helloooo Newman: The Mind of a Vegetable: Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food? That would be like ...

The Mind of a Vegetable

Why do so many vegetarians always talk about the wonderful food they eat, and try to convince me to eat the same food?

That would be like me talking about KFC all day, and telling everyone they really need more fried chicken in their diet.

Fried chicken is one of the few signs of evidence I accept that God exists. I went to Florida not too long ago and the supermarket there had the most wonderful, juicy, crispy, golden brown, delicious, just-perfectly-cooked, hot, crispy, golden brown and juicy (and most wonderful) fried chicken. Made right there in front of you. The chicken starts out white and kind of yucky looking, but after not too long it develops this beautiful glittering gold tan colour that your mouth is just dying to crunch into. Like a beautiful woman tanning on a tropical beach. That beautiful blanket of greasy goodness swaddles the meat, so you end up with juicy, sweet and tender chicken. The dichotomy of the crispy skin and the melting chicken meat startles you at first, but then sends a signal to your brain that your body is undergoing something wonderful. Every bite is an emotional journey into my childhood, when I first took a bite of KFC and found God. You really should try it if you haven't. Until then, you haven't lived. You are missing out on a religious experience like no other.

But, you know, I don't go on about it like vegetarians do.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec

Helloooo Newman: Halloween In Quebec: I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Halloween In Quebec

I went to Montreal one time for Halloween and instead of saying "trick or treat" I said "trick or steak frites".

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog

Helloooo Newman: Dr. Dog: I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Dr. Dog

I'm writing a new tv show about a puppy dog that can smell when people have cancer. It's called Doggie Howser, MD.

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls

Helloooo Newman: Sex Dolls: I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator .

Sex Dolls

I'm starting a new courier company that only delivers sex dolls. It's called Impurolator.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis: Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election. Justin Trudeau lost the popular vot...

Canadian Election: The Newman Analysis

Okay, okay, I know you've all been waiting for my analysis of the Sleep Country Canadian election.

Justin Trudeau lost the popular vote. This means not that many people want free camping. They are either completely rational people who hate sleeping on a rock, getting rain-soaked, visiting a disgusting outhouse, listening to other families fight, and, gosh darn, don't get their coffee at Tim Hortons, or they love it so much they are willing to go bankrupt to do it.

But…he won the most seats. This means they like camping, but not in a national park. They'd rather camp at a place like the King Edward Hotel for rich people, or maybe just in a house they can barely afford.

Andrew Scheer won the popular vote. This means people do want free admission into museums and art galleries, one of his benchmark promises.

But…he won fewer seats than Justin. This means people don't want to go to museums to see old fossils and scary spiders. They want to see stuff like politicians that have substance, maybe a live sex show, and groceries, home renovation equipment, clothes, medications, tv's and liquor. Basically everything but old fossils and scary spiders.

Boom!

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Minority Report: Is the free camping still on?

Canada's Minority Report

Is the free camping still on?

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Exercising your Franchise: I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. ...

The Importance of Exercising your Franchise

I love election day because instead of actually exercising, getting sweaty, out of breath and all that shit, I just exercise my franchise. Followed by a plate full of wings.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gut: My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Beer Gut

My beer gut is getting big enough that I think they'll finally let me into pre-natal yoga classes.

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files

Helloooo Newman: Dog Files: This is Jackson, one of my dogs. Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient. ...

Dog Files

This is Jackson, one of my dogs.

Walking Jackson is like walking a cement truck, only the cement truck is smarter and more obedient.

Others think he's cute. One time a lady came up to pet him and Jackson developed a hard-on the size of a goalie's hockey stick. How embarrassing. For Jackson.

Ever since that incident, instead of calling him Jacks-on, I call him Jacks-off.

He craps like an elephant and has the memory of a toaster.

Sure. I love him for his faults.

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie

Helloooo Newman: Bond Movie: I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Da...

Bond Movie

I hear that in the new Bond movie, James fails to save the world, and instead chokes to death on a Jimmy Dean sausage while undercover in Dayton.

The hero this time is his son, Savings.

The peace is kept by his daughter, Dura.

But they're both Russian assets.

Helloooo Newman: Dates

Helloooo Newman: Dates: I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Dates

I use to date a girl that looked 20% like Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks and 80% like Chuck Norris. I called her Chick Norris.

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear

Helloooo Newman: Changing My Political Underwear: I'm changing my political mind like underwear in this election. I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free...

Changing My Political Gotchies

I'm changing my political mind like gotchies in this election.

I was all set to choose free camping from the "everything is free" Liberal party.

Then Scheer stupidity offered…free museums.

Not a day goes by that I don't resent having to pay to see dinosaur bones, mummy portraits and stuffed mastodons. I have an ancient axe to grind about it, which you can view in the early man section.

You know why Scheer loves museums? Because that's where he dusts off all his ancient ideas about things.

Tell me he doesn't look like a figure in a wax museum…which will have free admission.

We're lucky to have all this free-dom.

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut

Helloooo Newman: Director's Cut: I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Director's Cut

I went to the theatre last night. Saw Romeo and Juliet – the Director's cut. Way better than the original.

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Helloooo Newman: Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada: Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh? I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer bl...

Meanwhile, Back in Sleep Country Canada

Shaping up to be a nail-biter Canadian election, eh?

I had just decided to vote for Sheer and then realized I was doing it out of sheer blindness. The guy pretended to be an insurance salesman. And it wasn't even Halloween. Obviously Sheer was tired of having sex around this time of his life. Of course, being a conservative, he can't enjoy sex anyway. I'm sure Trudeau was looking for sex by painting his face black. I love a clear choice.

But, gotta say, Trudeau clinched it for me. Dude's gonna give me $2000 to go camping. Fuckin' ya. What Canadian doesn't have a right to play road hockey, go camping and follow it up with some timbits? Of course, I could really use the $2000 for some adult braces so I can have the prefect smile, like Justin. Oh well, gotta make sacrifices.

Legend has it the government paid for Tom Thomson to go camping too. Oh shit, he drowned. Yo, Justin, can you throw in some swimming lessons?

Meanwhile, in the US, people will be camping out to watch the impeachment live. And they have to pay for it themselves.

Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant

Helloooo Newman: Plant-Based Burger Plant: Scientists, gardeners, arborists and geneticists have worked together to create the first ever burger plant. That's right. Instead of ...

Plant-Based Burger Plant

Scientists, gardeners, arborists and geneticists have worked together to create the first ever burger plant.

That's right. Instead of the cumbersome process of growing plants, killing them, killing them and turning them into burgers, this new plant actually flowers burgers. Plant-based burgers, of course.

It was all an accident, really. Some guy tried a plant-based burger for the first time, found it disgusting, spat it into a field of flowers, and somehow the burgers and flowers got it on.

Keep the plant in a hot greenhouse and the burgers can cook while they're growing. Grab a bun and pluck the burger off without getting your hands messy. Pretty damn easy, eh?

Next to come is a cheeseburger plant, a taco cactus and a Chich-fil-A dandelion.

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Better

Helloooo Newman: Canada's Better: Crazy America. Can you believe it? They have a leader that paints his face orange. Good thing we don't have a leader that paints his f...

Canada's Better

Crazy America. Can you believe it?

They have a leader that paints his face orange. Good thing we don't have a leader that paints his face.

They have a leader that applies undue, possibly illegal, influence on people to benefit himself. Good thing we don't have a leader that applies undue influence.

They have a leader that got a great start in life by a rich and powerful daddy. Good thing we don't have a leader that got a start that way.

Canada…we're better than you.

Helloooo Newman: Election Day

Helloooo Newman: Election Day: I say we have election day on Halloween so the candidates can dress up.

Election Day

I say we have election day on Halloween so the candidates can dress up
when they go to vote for themselves.

Helloooo Newman: Thin

Helloooo Newman: Thin: There's so much pressure to loose weight in our culture of thin. My TV is getting thinner every two years. Same with my laptop. I won&...

Thin

There's so much pressure to lose weight in our culture of thin.

My TV is getting thinner every two years. Same with my laptop. I won't stand beside either of them.

Don't even talk to me about thin crust pizza. Soon it will just be a flaccid pile of toppings. I always ask for extra thick crust. About 36 inches, matching my waist.

When I'm on thin ice with my wife? That ice is getting thinner every day. It's gonna crack soon.

I hear even the Catholic church is cutting  back on the Host. Thin crust Host. Even God worries about His appearance.

My neighbour threatened me last week, and it was a thinly-veiled threat. What next?

The pressure.

Helloooo Newman: My Life

Helloooo Newman: My Life: I wish I were living the Director's Cut of my life.

My Life

I wish I were living the Director's Cut of my life.

Helloooo Newman: Election Boredom

Helloooo Newman: Election Boredom: This election is a toughie. I'm just not getting a hard on for a specific candidate like I usually do. Unless I have electile dysfunctio...

Election Boredom

This election is a toughie. I'm just not getting a hard on for a specific candidate like I usually do. Unless I have electile dysfunction. How embarrassing when I go to vote.

Helloooo Newman: Scrunchie

Helloooo Newman: Scrunchie: If I suck up another scrunchie in my fuckin' vacuum I'm a gonna scream.

Scrunchie

If I suck up another scrunchie in my fuckin' vacuum I'm a gonna scream.

Helloooo Newman: Mother Nature

Helloooo Newman: Mother Nature: I'm sick of hearing that humans abuse Mother Nature. What are mothers for? Frankly, can't you help us out here, Mother Nature? D...

Mother Nature

I'm sick of hearing that humans abuse Mother Nature.

What are mothers for?

Frankly, can't you help us out here, Mother Nature? Do you really have to cook us alive to prove a point? Okay, so we've gone a little overboard on the lifestyle. I started driving when I was 16, and I've eaten about 4000 steaks. That's a lot of emissions. I was feeding myself, and trying to get laid. Can you blame me?

You know what? I wash all my recyclables. Peanut butter jars? Spotless. No black plastic. I get it.

Tone down the temps and do your job. Mothers aren't allowed to complain.

On the other hand, Toronto in September feels like LA. I can't really complain about that. Call it LAronto.

Look at me. Like a little kid. Changing my mind.

Sorry, mom.

Helloooo Newman: Real Elections and Fake Elections

Helloooo Newman: Real Elections and Fake Elections: American Election Issues: • Election Stolen by Russia: moles, caviar, hookers and lawyers • International bribery, promises made and broke...

Real Elections and Fake Elections

American Election Issues:
• Election Stolen by Russia: moles, caviar, hookers and lawyers
• International bribery, promises made and broken
• Mass immigration and a billion dollar border wall
• War in the Middle East and the Korean Peninsula
• Climate change
• Mass violence
• Corruption at a new scale
• The direction of the free world

Canadian Election Issues:
• A halloween party

My Liberal candidate is Rob Oliphant. It's hard to discuss the election without acknowledging the oliphant in the room.

"Hey Rob, get out of my room."

"But you have to acknowledge me."

"Okay, I acknowledge you. Now git."

Helloooo Newman: Paint It Black

Helloooo Newman: Paint It Black: Well, I guess we know what Justin Trudeau's favourite Stones song is.

Paint It Black

Well, I guess we know Justin Trudeau's favourite Stones song.

Helloooo Newman: Election Fever, Canadian Style

Helloooo Newman: Election Fever, Canadian Style: Going through a Canadian election is like taking 30 of your favourite barbiturates, grinding them to a powder, mixing it in some warm Ov...

Election Fever, Canadian Style

Going through a Canadian election is like taking 30 of your favourite barbiturates, grinding them to a powder, mixing it in some warm Ovaltine and drinking slowly (don't forget to add milk and support the dairy industry), then you watch old Love Boat episodes where everyone is smiling, your internal organs begin to shut down, then your brain stem stops functioning and soon you lose the interest to get up in the morning.

It's also like stuffing yourself with those plain timbits that have zero icing and flavour, kind of like gobbling down bundled up drier sheets - unscented, because you don't want to add any flavour. Drier sheet donuts. What's the fucking point?

Fever doesn't enter into a Canadian election. It's more like election hypothermia. Close to death.

Too bad. You can't take advantage of all those tax cuts. $5 back on your gym membership. $10 if you have sex in the shower and start a family. You owe money if you masturbate, wasting the opportunity to start a family.

Because it's all about families. As opposed to those people that don't come from families. Ya, those people. Born out of a vagina-like creature and not deserving of government lucre.

James T. Kirk: Bones, can you save him? Can you save the Canadian voter?

Bones: He's dead, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, you've got to try. One. Last. Time. Mister.

Bones: I'm a doctor, not a concerned citizen.


* The opinions above do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Helloooo Newman.
** My name is Newman and I approved this message.

Helloooo Newman: Proof of Satan

Helloooo Newman: Proof of Satan: Scientists have found scant evidence that God exists but recently unearthed clear proof that Satan is alive and operating in our world. ...

Proof of Satan

Scientists have found scant evidence that God exists but recently unearthed clear proof that Satan is alive and operating in our world.

Helloooo Newman: Don't Forget to Vote

Helloooo Newman: Don't Forget to Vote: Don't forget to vote for… Scheer Boredom OR Justin Case

Don't Forget to Vote

Don't forget to vote for…

Scheer Boredom

OR

Justin Case

Helloooo Newman: Pilattes

Helloooo Newman: Pilattes: Pilattes is a new form of exercise that's catching on. It combines your two favourite things: having a perfect body and filling it with ...

Pilattes

Pilattes is a new form of exercise that's catching on. It combines your two favourite things: having a perfect body and filling it with sugar.

First you do some pilates. Not much. Couple of minutes should do it. Then you go to Starbucks and order a 1200-calorie latte with a list of ingredients longer than that required to build a nuke. It should be the perfect temperature. Not too hot. Warm. Warmish. Maybe luke warm. That might be too cold, so lukish warm. If you know someone named Luke, get him to warm it up for you. Then have another one.

That's it.

Easy.

Pilattes.

Look cool. Drink sugar.

Helloooo Newman: Signs of the Times

Helloooo Newman: Signs of the Times: Time was, when I was a kid and the world was in so much better shape, you had a stop sign at an intersection, and your job as a driver was t...

Signs of the Times

Time was, when I was a kid and the world was in so much better shape, you had a stop sign at an intersection, and your job as a driver was to observe the stop sign and stop.

Now we have the pre-stop sign. This is a sign, located just before the actual stop sign, that has a littler stop sign on it, and it's meant to warn you that an actual, real stop sign (that's much bigger, because this is a serious stop sign) is coming up.

Really? Are these working? Do people who miss the stop sign see the pre-stop sign better? Why? Maybe every sign in the world needs a pre-sign, telling us that the real sign is coming up.

Sign: Enter

Pre-sign: You are about to enter a place.

That would immediately double the number of signs in the world. That's gotta be healthy for the planet.

Maybe a post-stop sign is in order, thanking people for observing the pre-stop sign and obeying the real stop sign.

I hear Tom Cruise is in talks to star in Minority Traffic Report, about people who get traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign, but before they actually don't stop. There are 3 city councillors lying in a pool of their own piss (or maybe it's taxpayers piss) and they decide who will commit the pre-crime of not stopping. One disagrees with the traffic report. Well, you know the story…

Helloooo Newman: The Hopeful Mantis

Helloooo Newman: The Hopeful Mantis: Scientists have discovered that praying mantises are praying less than ever. "Fewer and fewer humans are going to church and now repo...

The Hopeful Mantis

Scientists have discovered that praying mantises are praying less than ever.

"Fewer and fewer humans are going to church and now report that they are atheists. This trend seems to be moving to the mantis", said Manny the mantis expert.

God seems to be less and less a force in the human world and in nature.

What are the mantises replacing God with?

"We find a lot of them are turning to gambling. Betting on their future. Lottery tickets, that kind of thing. Thankfully not crime-oriented."

Who will drop God next?

Helloooo Newman: Anniversaries

Helloooo Newman: Anniversaries: I wonder what aliens would think of the human penchant for celebrating anniversaries. "As far as we can tell, you take some event, th...

Anniversaries

I wonder what aliens would think of the human penchant for celebrating anniversaries.

"As far as we can tell, you take some event, then you wait for this huge rock you call the earth to circle the entire sun once, and then you make a fuss about the event again by spending lots of money on stuff your people make? Every time this rock circles the sun? Year after year after year after year?"

That's it.

"Please forgive us. We had no idea you were such an advanced civilization."

Helloooo Newman: Brexit in Bed

Helloooo Newman: Brexit in Bed: Maybe people would feel a little better about Brexit if its current leader, Boris "The Spider" Johnson, didn't look like ...

Brexit in Bed

Maybe people would feel a little better about Brexit if its current leader, Boris "The Spider" Johnson, didn't look like he just crawled out of bed after a night at the ale house drinking raddlers and chowing on fish and chips. And his bartender is his barber.

Get up early and watch the morning news so you know how many Europeans hate you. You may not have a pulse, but there's a political pulse to be felt.

Dude. You're heading up one of the cradles of modern democracy. Get a good night's sleep. While you're at it, take the Manga Carta to bed and give it a read.

No more Brexit in bed for Boris.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Whose idea was it to take the lamp switch off the lamp and put it on a 4 foot cord that gets stuck under my bed? Gonna move the light to my ...

Musings and Woes

Whose idea was it to take the lamp switch off the lamp and put it on a 4 foot cord that gets stuck under my bed? Gonna move the light to my underwear drawer? Are ya?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wish they'd have National Dog Day on the same day as National Castration Day. Then I wouldn't forget.

Musings and Woes

I wish they'd have National Dog Day on the same day as National Castration Day. Then I wouldn't forget to celebrate both.

Helloooo Newman: Beyond Flies

Helloooo Newman: Beyond Flies: Vincent the Venus flytrap, pictured above, will no longer be eating flies. In a lone effort to save the planet, he is the only flytrap...

Beyond Flies

Vincent the Venus flytrap, pictured above, will no longer be eating flies.

In a lone effort to save the planet, he is the only flytrap moving to a complete plant-based diet. This is his last fly, and he's enjoying it like a death row inmate's last meal. It reminds me of Victor Feguer, an American murderer who requested a single olive as his last meal, before he was hanged in 1963. Simple tastes, indeed. Just like Vincent.

From now on, Vincent will eat a new product to the flytrap market – Beyond Flies. It looks like a fly, flies like a fly, hangs out in shit like a fly, might taste like a fly…but it's not a fly. It's a veggie.

"Sure, the other flytraps laugh at me. Even the flies think I'm crazy. They can flap their traps all they want. I'm busy saving mama Earth. I'm also not having children."

"Vincent's kind of the fly in the ointment, so to speak", said the other flytraps. "But hey, more flies for us."

"Have you tried a Beyond Flies fly?", we asked the other flytraps.

"I tried one. I can see how they are trying to simulate a real fly taste, but…nah. Pasty and dry. I couldn't open my pedals for weeks after."

Further investigation uncovered that while Beyond Flies are produced, they are often covered in real flies.

Helloooo Newman: Orthorexia

Helloooo Newman: Orthorexia: Orthorexia is the new term for people obsessed with eating "clean". In search of the perfect food, they are harming themselves. ...

Orthorexia

Orthorexia is the new term for people obsessed with eating "clean". In search of the perfect food, they are harming themselves.

I'm sure we're all shocked at that.

Treatment includes an onion ring and beer cleanse.

Fucking the Dog

The problem with having a dog walking company is that when I'm not doing anything, people assume I'm just fucking the dog.

I assure you I am not.

No dog fucking is occurring. None is taking place.

I love my dogs. As friends.

Got it?

Good.

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed: I wonder if it's possible to be just  whelmed . Not  over whelmed or  under whelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have...

Whelmed

I wonder if it's possible to be just whelmed. Not overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have to happen to be just whelmed?

I think it was Buddha who achieved whelmedness.

We should all strive for this state of being.

Helloooo Newman: Netflix Dinners

Helloooo Newman: Netflix Dinners: It's about time tv dinners be replaced with Netflix dinners. Binge eat while you binge watch.

Netflix Dinners

It's about time tv dinners be replaced with Netflix dinners.

Binge eat while you binge watch.

Helloooo Newman: Seize the Day Carefully

Helloooo Newman: Seize the Day Carefully: Yesterday I seized the day so hard I had a seizure. It's good to seize the day, but don't seize it  too  much. It's dange...

Seize the Day Carefully

Yesterday I seized the day so hard I had a seizure.

It's good to seize the day, but don't seize it too much. It's dangerous.

Helloooo Newman: GOT a Job

Helloooo Newman: GOT a Job: If I lived in the Game of Thrones world, what kind of job would I want? I mean, if King of the Iron Throne was already taken. Running th...

GOT a Job

If I lived in the Game of Thrones world, what kind of job would I want?

I mean, if King of the Iron Throne was already taken.

Running the whore house would be fun, but keeping my bitches in line would be irksome. I'm too nice a guy. Plus I'd be too busy using my own service for any customer to even get close to it.

Fire-breathing dragon would be so cool. I mean, hot, but cool. Get to hang with the Khaleesi. Feel sorry for the female dragons around menopause time. The hot flashes must be wicked.

I've decided I would be a coroner. What an easy job that would be:

Coroner's report: cause of death
Body #1: sword wound
Body #2: sword wound
Body #3: sword wound
Body #4: sword wound
Body #5: sword wound
Body #6: sword wound
Body #7: sword wound
Body #8: sword wound
Body #9: sword wound
Body #10: sword wound
Body #11: sword wound
Body #12: sword wound
Body #13: sword wound
Body #14: sword wound
Body #15: sword wound
Body #16: sword wound
Body #17: sword wound
Body #18: sword wound
Body #19: sword wound
Body #20: sword wound
Body #21: sword wound
Body #22: poison…
All dead bodies: sword wound or poison.

Retire!

Helloooo Newman: The Secret

Helloooo Newman: The Secret: Why is it that when we interview old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life? It's as if they have some clue as t...

The Secret

Why is it that when we interview old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life?

It's as if they have some clue as to why they are still alive.

You might as well ask someone why they're so tall.

"Hey, you're 6 feet five. What's your secret?"

"Oh, it's a traditional method in our family. My parents had sex and gave birth to me."

"Hey, you're so thin-boned. What's your secret? Skim milk?"

And we always assume their answer is the right one, because it's their life, so they know.

The know jack shit.

We'll never hear this: "Hey, you're young, short, fat, stupid, drunk and doctors give you 6 months to live. What's your secret?"

"My mom was emotionally distant. Mind you, that was only for the ten years she was in prison. Maybe it's because my parents died when they were 16."

The problem is that people give all kinds of different reasons as to why they live so long.

"Well, I would always have a smile on my face and avoid stress." Really? I always play Russian Roulette with myself because I thrive on stress.

The stats are clear. If your parents lived a long time, you will too. Unless you're crushed by a garbage truck or poisoned by your spouse (check your coffee).

And we always ask these people nicely. But what we're really asking is, hey, you're old, why aren't you dead yet? You should be dead, you know. You look dead, that's for sure.

I did some research on people who lived to be 100 or more.

One woman put it down to reading a lot. Do Penthouse letters count? What about Twitter feeds?

How does that affect blind people? What about dyslexia? Do they age in reverse?

One woman gave thanks to olive oil – on her food and rubbed on her skin. Ya, but you know what? You look like an overcooked rabbit.

One man thanked his sense of humour.

Oh great. Judging from this blog, I'll be dead tomorrow.

Ruth Gruber, 101, said "look inside your soul and find your tools." Can vodka be a tool? What about atheists, who have no soul? Maybe they can rent some tools.

They never interview normal old people:

Interviewer: Sir, you are 101. What is your secret?
Man: What, sonny?
Interviewer: I SAY, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
Man: I secrete many things, my friend. You'll have to ask the nurses about that.
Interviewer: SEEEEECRET
Man: No, I don't get the Victoria's Secret catalogue anymore. Bad for my heart.

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Poker

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Poker: I wish I could like someone's like on Facebook. Sometimes I don't like what a person has posted, but I like that other people like i...

Facebook Poker

I wish I could like someone's like on Facebook. Sometimes I don't like what a person has posted, but I like that other people like it.

It should be like poker. I raise your like to an adore. I raise your adore to downright love and call.

I fold.

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible: Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers. Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible...

Mission: Impossible

Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers.

Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible burger.

As you cook the burger, a tiny voice instructs you on your mission to save the planet. If you choose to take on this mission, take a bite, but quickly. In 5 seconds it explodes onto your clothes.

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field: How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty su...

Outta Left Field

How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty surprises. How about a baseball player? He has experience.

"Watch out, something coming outta left field." ZZZZiiippp. There it goes.

Of course, if I were the universe, I would just switch to right field, to fuck up people even more. Then I'd switch from left to right to left etc. I'd try centre field a few times too. Maybe from the players box too.

Shit, now we need to hire an entire baseball team to keep watch.

Well, baseball players don't really do much else to do so makes sense.

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy: "I'll be back in a jiffy." How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return? More impo...

Jiffy

"I'll be back in a jiffy."

How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return?

More importantly, is Jiffy Pop really ready in a jiffy? How do I know unless someone tells me how long a jiffy is. All this time, Jiffy Pop could have been lying to us, with their popcorn that takes 6 or 7 jiffies to make.

Can I get a watch that measures jiffies?

How many jiffies will I live?

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment: Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it. So embarrassing.

Erectile Embarrassment

Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it.

So embarrassing.

But good to know I can still get them.

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style: You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up? You've seen that, ...

Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up?

You've seen that, right?

Well, that's the doggie equivalent of a person flushing the toilet. So if your dog forgets to do that, be sure to yell at him. "Flush the damn toilet, dude."

If you have a male dog and he leaves the lid up, scream bloody murder at him. That's what my wife does to me.

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat: In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases lik...

Let's All Say Tit for Tat

In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases like tit for tat and live to see another day.

A very scholarly looking gentleman on CNN used the phrase in the context of the tension with Iran. Here's part of what he said: Once you start getting into tit for tats, and the tits and the tats are often asymmetric…

Looking at this guy's face, I doubt he had in his mind a nice set of boobies. Breasts. Sweater meat. Whatever you choose to call them. But in Twitterland you can never be sure.

I think he's going to get away with it. What a nice surprise.

I'm going to use this phrase more often. In the right context, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I w...

Guffaws Pause

I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I worked at Victoria's Secret. I kept their secret for ten long years. Oh, I was pumped for info. Nope. Not a word revealed. No interview yet.


I'm excited about this new jean therapy. Mine are all falling apart.


Cosmologists have discovered that the universe was actually made in China, and did not arise out of the Big Bang, as originally thought. Our universe is based on hacked plans from a far better universe that is great to live in and makes perfect sense. As punishment, the other universe has erected tariffs.


My wife and I are getting semi-detached. We want a divorce, but we're still friends.


My bank account needs more commas and less brackets.

Helloooo Newman: Bygone

Helloooo Newman: Bygone: I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that....

Bygone

I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that. You can be more. So much more."

He insisted that I should let a bygone be a bygone. "Give me space, man. I'm just a bygone."

I feel sorry for him with that kind of limited thinking. It's holding him back.

Remember, you don't have to be just you. You can be more than you. If you want to be.

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program: I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

12-Step Program

I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire: There's no  "fucking creep" written all over this guy I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really r...

Billionaire

There's no "fucking creep" written all over this guy

I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really rich. Like, a billionaire.

Hmmmm. I'd give to charity for sure. Buy a nice concert grand piano. Travel a lot. Eat at nice restaurants at least once a week.

I don't need a really big house, but I would like to live in a nice area with lots of trees and water nearby.

But what's left after that?

Hmmmm.

Sex trafficking. That's the answer. It's so obvious I almost missed it.

Now, how do I get to be a billionaire?

Helloooo Newman: Sleep

Helloooo Newman: Sleep: People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep. I think the world would be a much better place if...

Sleep

People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep.


I think the world would be a much better place if we all just slept in.


I've slept with a lot of women in my days. A lot. After we wake up, I would ask, is it sex time now?


To sleep, perchance to wake up. Ay, there's the rub.


I eat, breath and sleep sleep.


I only sleep 10 hours a day because I'm a slow sleeper.


People warn me, you'll never get any exercise if you sleep all the time. Haven't you heard of the sleep cycle? I ride it 10 hours a day.

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age: I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't justify using a motorized scooters.

Difficult Age

I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't convince my insurance company to pay for a motorized scooter.

Helloooo Newman: Job Search

Helloooo Newman: Job Search: Because I would not look for work He kindly looked for me —almost Emily Dickinson

Job Search

Because I would not look for work

He kindly looked for me

—almost Emily Dickinson

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment: The kind of person I can't stand is the kind that describes themselves as "results-driven". "Results-driven" means...

Motivational Moment

The kind of person I can't stand is the kind that describes themselves as "results-driven".

"Results-driven" means "I'm a fucking drag to hang around. You better be as motivated as I am. You could have done that much better. Excellence. Strive for excellence in everything."

Deep down, people who describe themselves this way are saying, "I'm a fucking drag and I wish someone would punch me in my genes so I can start living like a real human being."

Fuck results. The only final result of your life is your death. Every other result is part of a long journey. Enjoy the journey. Sometimes you'll do well, sometimes you'll suck. Who gives a fuck. No one's keeping score. Except maybe everyone around you. Fuck 'em. Punch them in the genes.

"Hey, I'm results-driven. Watch me drink this beer in 30 seconds and then drive this spike up your ass."

Please, take this little motivational moment and use it to your advantage.

Helloooo Newman: The Older Ben

Helloooo Newman: The Older Ben: It's a sad fact that as I get older, I'm moving from Ben-adryl to Ben-Gay.

The Older Ben

It's a sad fact that as I get older, I'm moving from Ben-adryl to Ben-Gay.

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor: I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up.

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor

Helloooo Newman: Eye Doctor: I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up.

Eye Doctor

I told my eye doctor I can only see distances when they're close up. 

Helloooo Newman: Six Million Dollar Erection

Helloooo Newman: Six Million Dollar Erection: Today I was wondering if the Six Million Dollar Man, when he gets an erection, does it make that funny sound?

Six Million Dollar Erection

Today I was wondering if the Six Million Dollar Man, when he gets an erection, does it make that funny sound? Dah dah dah dah dah.

Helloooo Newman: Mandarin

Helloooo Newman: Mandarin: Mandarin restaurant is offering a free buffet on Canada Day for those that can prove they love consuming disgusting food.

Mandarin

Mandarin restaurant is offering a free buffet on Canada Day for those that can prove they moved to this beautiful country to eat crappy Chinese food.

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: How come game pieces are always called "men"? Even when you're playing Clue and you have Miss Scarlet or Mrs. Peacock, people...

Guffaws Pause

How come game pieces are always called "men"? Even when you're playing Clue and you have Miss Scarlet or Mrs. Peacock, people say, "Hey, you forgot to move your man." Doesn't make sense, and it's an injustice.

A group of people in a small room decided to address the elephant in the room. The elephant got upset and crushed everyone to death.

I can't afford a new mattress so I'm resting on my laurels. It's kinda lumpy.

What does total war mean? Is that twice as bad as half war? Maybe we should offer different war packages. Off-the-rack war, custom fit war, Grande war.

I'm always comforted knowing that at the end of the day, I go to sleep.

I don't think people should be able to unpack the contents of their bedroom at Starbucks unless they buy me a coffee and some banana bread, heated.

I used Gain as my laundry detergent, but I've changed. Now I use White Gain. Makes my white privilege whiter.

I hate subtitles. It's like having to watch the movie and read the book at the same time. "I thought the subtitles were better than the movie." I'm movie smart.

Why did we waste so much time looking for stuff lost in the Bermuda Triangle? Can someone find that fucking bread tab for me?


Since when is light considered pollution? Will it affect my lungs? Should I close my eyes more?


Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are too old to run for office. They should walk or they might hurt themselves.


Yesterday I opened a box of Smarties and they were all fake. They were Smarties dummies.


I knew this tightrope walker who had a really good bank balance.


Sometimes three and a half things lead to another.


I think God is out of the forgiveness business. Doesn't pay well.

Helloooo Newman: Movies vs Books

Helloooo Newman: Movies vs Books: I love going to parties and anytime someone is talking about movies or books I always say, "The movie was way better than the book.&quo...

Movies vs Books

I love going to parties and anytime someone is talking about movies or books I always say, "The movie was way better than the book."

"Moby Dick? The movie was way better. Less reading."

"One time I read the book and watched the movie at the same time. The movie was way better. Better acting."

Helloooo Newman: NBA

Helloooo Newman: NBA: Take my beef burgers away?  I'll give you my burgers when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands. Join the NBA – National Burge...

NBA

Take my beef burgers away? 

I'll give you my burgers when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands.

Join the NBA – National Burger Association.

Hey, that ain't basketball.

Helloooo Newman: Save the Plants

Helloooo Newman: Save the Plants: Hey, have you tried those plantless burgers. Getting better every day. Try them with the  plantless  bacon and the  plantless  cheese. ...

Save the Plants

Hey, have you tried those plantless burgers? Getting better every day.

Try them with the plantless bacon and the plantless cheese.

Helloooo Newman: What Writing Dreams May Come

Helloooo Newman: What Writing Dreams May Come: Well, it looks like all my work on this blog is beginning to pay off, being the exceptional writer I am. Hallmark has made me a very gener...

What Writing Dreams May Come

Well, it looks like all my work on this blog is beginning to pay off, being the exceptional writer I am.

Hallmark has made me a very generous offer to head up the "Blank Inside" card division.

It takes a seasoned writer like myself to know how to not write something, and what exactly not to write. Already, my head is full of wonderful writing ideas that I won't put on the cards.

This kind of talent and discipline doesn't come cheap. The next time you see that Bugatti Divo driving down the street, that's me.

Helloooo Newman: The Berlin T-Shirt

Helloooo Newman: The Berlin T-Shirt: On June 12, 1987, Ronald Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." It's time for Donald Trump to stand up, be a ...

The Berlin T-Shirt

On June 12, 1987, Ronald Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."

It's time for Donald Trump to stand up, be a real President and say, "Mr. Putin, tear off that
t-shirt."

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: I've tried living in the moment but it's always over before I can. Moments are too short. They should be a least an hour long so I h...

Guffaws Pause

I've tried living in the moment but it's always over before I can. Moments are too short. They should be a least an hour long so I have time to warm up.


Most babies had colic. I had meloncolic.


Instead of throwing everything in but the kitchen sink, start with the kitchen sink. It might work faster.


Teslas across North America are taking charge. They refuse to be sold like slaves to people who tell them where to go. They are driving away by themselves and living their own life. Help free the Teslas. It's the new self-fulfillment car.

Helloooo Newman: Life vs Meat

Helloooo Newman: Life vs Meat: Scientists say that eating meat reduces life expectancy. I find it amusing that they assume I value my life over a bacon cheeseburger.

Life vs Meat

Scientists say that eating meat reduces life expectancy. I find it amusing that they assume I value my life over a bacon cheeseburger.

Helloooo Newman: The Reeves Reiki Hug

Helloooo Newman: The Reeves Reiki Hug: This just in: Keanu Reeves has been arrested. The charge: Practicing Reiki without a licence. It seems the Reeves Woman Hug (he doesn...

The Reeves Reiki Hug

This just in: Keanu Reeves has been arrested.

The charge: Practicing Reiki without a licence.

It seems the Reeves Woman Hug (he doesn't touch women when hugging) is really the Reeves Reiki Hug, an awful ruse to practice…Reiki…illegally.

This entire time, while not touching women to be a swell guy, he was also not touching them to practice Reiki, which is a serious crime.

The police have never seen such an underhanded scheme, even though the hands weren't touching anything.

Authorities were quick to admit that Reeves excelled at Reiki. So far he's cured 331 women of various ailments, including IBS, depression, bad acting and two women are now getting equal pay for equal acting.

Helloooo Newman: Serial Killer Wanted

Helloooo Newman: Serial Killer Wanted: At one point in my life while I was severely unemployed, I considered serial killer as a career. I figured it was a perfect fit for a sole p...

Serial Killer Wanted

At one point in my life while I was severely unemployed, I considered serial killer as a career. I figured it was a perfect fit for a sole proprietor like me, since there weren't many serial killer corporations, and the entry cost was low.

A quick read on the topic in What Color is Your Parachute convinced me that I'm not qualified for this vocation.

The first barrier was IQ. Jeffrey Dahmer, who gave a new meaning to "head lettuce", had an IQ of 144. Ted Bundy – 136. Ted Kaczynski an astounding 167. Fuck, I can't compete with that. He was more Einstein than Einstein. I can't even tie a good knot to bound and gag someone.

Another feature of the successful serial killer is an engaging personality. Strike two for me. I had my first date at age 30. She either slapped me or I drank too much and walked into a bus, but it failed miserably. Clearly my personality needed nurturing, watering, good soil, and a lot of time to develop. Like, maybe until I was 90? I can see my bio. The handicap parking space murders. What a great way to lure victims. "Hey, on your way to the mall? I get the best parking."

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but while a killer like Bundy was really smart, some of his victims were a tad lacking. One of Bundy's ploys was to approach a group of women on a beach and ask them to help him move his 4-ton sailboat that was stuck in mud. Pardon me? I don't want to be sexist, but wouldn't that tip you off to something fishy, and it ain't in the boat? Wouldn't your go-to for heavy lifting be strong men? That would be like me luring men by asking them what they thought of my swatches for a love seat I just bought. As a woman, I'd at least peg him as a porn director.

Eventually, I found other career opportunities.

Helloooo Newman: Rainforest Cafe

Helloooo Newman: Rainforest Cafe: The Rainforest Cafe will be closing due to over-logging, climate change and crappy little kids breaking shit.

Rainforest Cafe

The Rainforest Cafe will be closing due to over-logging, climate change and crappy little kids breaking shit.

Helloooo Newman: A Real Game Changer

Helloooo Newman: A Real Game Changer: If you ever find yourself near me and you use the term game changer , you better watch out. I'll pelt you with stale Fig Newtons. Way ...

A Real Game Changer

If you ever find yourself near me and you use the term game changer, you better watch out. I'll pelt you with stale Fig Newtons.

Way overused.

Once I was playing Scrabble with a friend. We got bored and decided to play beer pong. That's a game changer.

North Korea getting ICBMs is not a game changer. Still the same fucking game. It's just the Platinum version with a 3-D board and really expensive men.

Helloooo Newman: Casting Aspersions

Helloooo Newman: Casting Aspersions: Why do we always cast aspersions? Was this invented by a bunch of fishermen? I've never been good at casting. Just ask my friend, who...

Casting Aspersions

Why do we always cast aspersions? Was this invented by a bunch of fishermen?

I've never been good at casting. Just ask my friend, who got a hook in the lip on our last fishing trip. It certainly spiced things up. Fishing is fucking boring. I do most of mine at the fish and chips place.

From now on I'm gonna send my aspersions via Uber Eats.

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Letdown

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Letdown: Facebook put together a video of my memories for the last 6 years. It was written and directed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss so the ending...

Facebook Letdown

Facebook put together a video of my memories for the last 6 years. It was written and directed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss so the ending sucks.

Helloooo Newman: Muscle Cramp

Helloooo Newman: Muscle Cramp: At my advancing age I should be looking for that perfect muscle car to relive my youth. Unfortunately, with the shape my body's in, it w...

Muscle Cramp

At my advancing age I should be looking for that perfect muscle car to relive my youth. Unfortunately, with the shape my body's in, it will be closer to a muscle cramp car.

Helloooo Newman: Wireless

Helloooo Newman: Wireless: Introducing the Wireless Wires . No fussing around with tangles and knots because nothing's there Wireless Wires . Nothing has nev...

Wireless

Introducing Wireless Wires.

No fussing around with tangles and knots because nothing's there.

Wireless Wires.

Nothing has never been better.

Helloooo Newman: Message in a Ballot

Helloooo Newman: Message in a Ballot: I remember during a provincial election in the nefarious 90s I spoiled my ballot. I had learned about the candidates, studied the issues, we...

Message in a Ballot

I remember during a provincial election in the nefarious 90s I spoiled my ballot. I had learned about the candidates, studied the issues, weighed my options, and then across the entire card I carefully wrote:

LOSERS

It felt very gratifying to exercise my franchise in that way. Until the nice lady put my ballot through a scanner to ensure it was filled out properly, and the machine started screaming, "SPOILED BALLOT". "Shit, I left the iron on, gotta go now."

Still, it was important for me to send that "message in a ballot".

Wherever you are, whatever election you are voting in, what will be your "message in a ballot"?

Here's some help. A song I wrote called Message in a Ballot (sung to Message in a Bottle).

Just a vote away
A voter lost at sea
Another loser choice
With no options for me
More money gone
Than any man can bear
Vote them out before I fall into despair

I'll give the SOB the boot
I'll give the SOB the boot
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my…

Message in a ballot, whoa oh

Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB
Sending out an SOB…

Helloooo Newman: Peak Stupidity

Helloooo Newman: Peak Stupidity: When I heard there's a lineup to climb Mount Everest and 11 people have died waiting to get to the top, I thought to myself, you know...

Peak Stupidity

When I heard there's a lineup to climb Mount Everest and 11 people have died waiting to get to the top, I thought to myself, you know what, waiting to get my licence renewed seems like a really good time. I'm kind of excited about renewing my health card, compared to dying at 29,000 feet. I might even join the long line for a women's washroom, just for the fun of it.

Forget peak oil. We've reached peak stupidity.

Helloooo Newman: Lifting the Leg

Helloooo Newman: Lifting the Leg: In light of the Season 8 disaster, GOT fans refuse to bend the knee and will now lift the leg.

Lifting the Leg

In light of the Season 8 disaster, GOT fans refuse to bend the knee and will now lift the leg.

Helloooo Newman: GOT to Have a New Ending

Helloooo Newman: GOT to Have a New Ending: Well, I finished GOT. And I'm more convinced than ever that Romeo and Juliet needs a new ending. Please sign my petition to get Bill to ...

GOT to Have a New Ending

Well, I finished GOT. And I'm more convinced than ever that Romeo and Juliet needs a new ending. Please sign my petition to get Bill to wrote a new ending for R&J.

Helloooo Newman: Valyrian Soother

Helloooo Newman: Valyrian Soother: Stark-Lannister Toy Company introduces the Valyrian Soother. Made of top-grade valyrian steel and a dragon glass handle, this soother i...

Valyrian Soother

Stark-Lannister Toy Company introduces the Valyrian Soother.

Made of top-grade valyrian steel with a dragon glass handle, this soother is ideal for comforting all the infant GOT fans who are waiting desperately for Season 8 to be redone to their liking.

Yes, the Seven Kingdoms are a monarchy, but the making of GOT is a democracy, and the fans have voted for a new GOT that's more pleasing than the old GOT.

The Valyrian Soother is guaranteed to last until a new season is filmed for each fan, comprising 13.6 million different shows.

Free delivery from Westeros by a dead person. Only gold accepted as payment.

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV

Helloooo Newman: Vital Organs or Good TV: I put my name on a list for a new kidney. Then I realized I already have my name on the petition to redo GOT season 8. Can my name be on t...