Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather: Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm. It's going to be so bad...

Stormy weather

Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm.

It's going to be so bad, when it actually starts, that I'm pre-shovelling around my house. Just to stay ahead of it.

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot: I'm writing a play. It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot . It's based on Waiting for Godot , obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled...

Waiting for Gadot

I'm writing a play.

It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot.

It's based on Waiting for Godot, obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled Gadot incorrectly.

Two guys in their mom's basement in Thunder Bay wait for Gal Gadot to show up.

They wait and wait and wait. Talk. Drink beer. Wait. Listen to Nickelback. 

Buddies come over. They chat. Drink beer. Sing karaoke Nickelback.

Other stuff happens I can't mention here.

All the while expecting Gadot to show up. I won't tell you if she does.

Look for it on Off Off-colour Broadway.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth: When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into. A favourite is: ...

Wisdom Teeth

When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into.

A favourite is: even a broken clock is right twice a day

You can use it if you want. Not like I own it.

So powerful.

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities: I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry. Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I...

Missed Opportunities

I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry.

Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I could've watched dry.

It's the missed opportunities in life that really hurt.

Reliving History

 Happy birthday, Mr. President

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction: Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long? Jazz found fusion years ago.

Fusion reaction

Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long?

Jazz found fusion years ago.

Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero

Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero:   This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America. Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So wh...

Nero the hero

 

This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America.

Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So when I walk Nero, I don't say the usual dog things to him, like "let's go poopies", "pee-pee", "who's a good boy?". None of that nonsense for this serious guy. "I find bombs, you know" he once said to me.

Instead, I say "where's the bomb?", "find the bomb Nero", "check under the car?".

He keeps trying and trying, and the problem is we never actually find a bomb, of course. So he gets discouraged. "There's gotta be a bomb around here somewhere". He doesn't know we're not in the Middle East, even though it's minus 10 out.

One time I fashioned a homemade bomb and hid it under a car so he could find it. He was so proud of himself upon making the discovery. Wouldn't shut up about it. Unfortunately I pulled a wrong wire and the bomb went off, but there wasn't much damage.

I've been walking him for a year and still every time I get to his house he barks and howls at me like a demon dog. Like it's the first time he's met me.

He must think I'm the bomb.

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap: Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry? Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Filling the Gap

Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry?

Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts: Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Xmas Gifts

Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight: I watched that new show Wednesday . The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there. Very close, though. She definitel...

Tuesday night close to midnight

I watched that new show Wednesday.

The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there.

Very close, though. She definitely made it to Tuesday. I thought around noon but on further analysis, I think she's close to midnight on Tuesday. A few minutes before. 

Just shy of early Wednesday morning. Too bad.

Still, you gotta hand it to her.

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am: Sometimes I think I overthink things But suddenly I'm not so sure It could be this, it could be that Figuring it out has such allure Is ...

I overthink, therefore I am

Sometimes I think I overthink things

But suddenly I'm not so sure

It could be this, it could be that

Figuring it out has such allure

Is it my brain or is it me?

That's doing all the figuring

To be or not to be?

God I hated Shakespeare in high school

Somewhere in there are answers

Picking the right one is hard

Hey, where did the rhyme go?

I overthink, therefore I am…not much of a bard