Wednesday, 10 August 2022

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee: Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back? The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you ...

Go Away Goatee

Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back?

The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you warm. Left alone, it grows naturally.

But trimming it down to a goatee? Did people get so tired of grooming styles that they had to look to farm animals to spice life up?

Honey, I'm tired of looking at my face.

Me too, sweetie.

I need something different. My imagination for changing my look only extends as far as the fact that I'm surrounded by farm animals.

Perfect, sweetie.

But which animal?

You've always enjoyed spending time with the goats, sweetie. Remember last Friday night?

Great idea.

Or maybe it was the brainchild of some old-time brilliant bank robber who got tired of covering his face with a handkerchief. Due to the heat, of course. Billy goat. The perfect disguise.

Honest, officer. The bank was heisted by a trip of goats with shot guns.

The money's probably been eaten by now.

Tuesday, 9 August 2022

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot: If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

I Like It — A Lot

If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

Monday, 8 August 2022

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education: Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it ...

We Don't Need No Education

Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it is? What's their source? Do they have some kind of agenda?

I just wish someone would explain it all to me in simple terms I can digest.

The war in Ukraine is a perfect example. What's really going on? Maybe there's a good reason Russia needs to bomb hospitals, kill children, destroy nuclear plants and threaten nuclear war, as a matter of policy. I don't know.

When I'm lost like this, I like to look to my favourite rock band for information.

That's why, as you can imagine, I was gleeful that Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, finally weighed in on the terrible war over yonder in Eastern Europe.

He's using his concerts to release this valuable insight. To be honest, I didn't read any further than the fact that he supports Russia and Joe Biden is a war criminal.

I don't need more information. If my favourite rock band has an opinion that can be expressed at a concert on a banner, I want to like it. I want to sing to it. I want to know that all those years of devotion to my rock icons have been properly invested for a useful purpose.

The details are irrelevant. As Mr. Waters sings, we don't need no education.

Thank you, Mr. Waters, for finally speaking up.

Wednesday, 27 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping: I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a tr...

No Name Dropping

I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a trigger for you then go pull your trigger somewhere else. Try a porn site. I can't think of any names off the top of my head, but try Pornhub.

Just like I will continue to refer to Elon Musk's son as X Γ† A-12, even though his son prefers "Pi R Squared", or "The Area of a Pizza".

Monday, 25 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: Watch God

Helloooo Newman: Watch God: I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of Go...

Watch God

I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of God".

Crazy world, where you need a watch God to protect your shit.

Sunday, 24 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs: I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude rid...

5Gs

I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude ridin' high off the coast of Hawaii.

Me neither.

They forgot to tell us that the 5 Gs actually stand for…

Get out your cheque book, you owe us 5 Gs

Gonads. That's where we have you by, women included

Grab a comfortable chair waiting for us to answer your call

Granny is having a heart attack and she's on her own

Go to the airport and check your bags, you'll get better service there

Wednesday, 20 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?: Is life going too well for you? Are you too happy? Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment,...

What's the Emergency?

Is life going too well for you?

Are you too happy?

Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment, so you can compare the two and feel even happier?

Are your spirits too high?

Maybe you just hate yourself. You should be punished for various peccadillos in your life.

If all these are true for you, then proceed immediately to an emergency room in a Toronto hospital. Like a human mortar and pestle, it will crush you into a fine powder of despair and ennui. No need to see a doctor because you won't anyway.

I spent 12 hours there and I am the better for it, seeing the other side of hope and humane treatment.

Turns out I was too happy after all.

Glad I could help.

Thursday, 7 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer:   I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Careless Dog Whisperer

 

I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Saturday, 2 July 2022

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel: This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel. All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelle...

Air Cancel

This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel.

All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelled midair.

Tiny bags of 3 almonds are $150. Feel free to eat them while parachuting. If your parachute fails, worry not. You will be provided with a map of all the trampolines in the area that you can safely land on. If you manage a particularly high bounce, you could possibly join another plane that was cancelled, un-cancelled, cancelled, and then un-cancelled just as you reach the apex of your bounce.

Feel free to use the 3 almonds to represent the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost so you can pray your flight isn't suddenly cancelled and your bags don't end up in the closet of an illegal abortion clinic in Sugar Tit, South Carolina.

It is recommended that you wear all your clothes on your body at the same time just in case you never see your suitcase again.

Checking your empty suitcase will cost $300.

The movie on every flight will be Cast Away. Unless it's cancelled.

Enjoy your flight/cancelled flight. We are proud of our cancel culture.

Monday, 27 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired: Have you ever been fired? What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder ...

Congratulations. You've Been Fired


Have you ever been fired?

What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder and sprinkle him in the ocean. Even though he wanted a traditional burial.

Still, being fired from that job felt terrible – even though my boss wanted me to climb a 35 foot, unsecured ladder to paint a tiny window no one could see. Risk a permanent head injury? Gosh, can I?

There is one job I can think of where getting fired is the best outcome you can hope for.

Kamikaze pilot.

Failing at this job looks good on a resume because at least you're around to have a resume.

"Hey, what are you doing back here?"

"What? Oh sorry. Got lost. Couldn't find any ships to slam into. Looked everywhere."

"Well, you realize you're fired, right?"

"Oh ya, no problem."

"And you'll never work in this industry again."

"I know. What a shame. But I think I'll be okay. Some re-training. Pound the pavement. I'm feeling pretty positive."

"Pack your stuff and get out of here."

"You took all my stuff just before telling me not to return."

"I really thought this was your calling."

"Me too. Then I thought maybe something else is calling me. Like an office job here on the ground. Or pizza delivery. Something that requires me to be alive."

"You're making a big mistake."

"I guess I'll live to regret it."

Thursday, 23 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses. No soliciting. Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hook...

No Hookers

I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses.

No soliciting.

Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hookers showing up at my house? So the neighbours can see?

Meet you at Harvey's on Jarvis.

Monday, 20 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life: Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix. Not sure where I get these ...

Ideal Life

Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix.

Not sure where I get these dumb ideas.

Sunday, 19 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging: This is the important difference when you age: At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run. At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and ...

Raging on Aging

This is the important difference when you age:

At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run.

At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and then have the runs.

Thursday, 16 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...: Remarkable news out of China. Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals...

Remarkable news out of China.

Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals. A couple of them.

It's an amazing coincidence. Scientists have been searching for alien signals for decades, but as soon as the Chinese telescope is turned on, presto. We can't shut the aliens up.

Their first message to mankind, according to Chinese officials?

"Take us to your leader. Oh, and Taiwan belongs to China"

Wednesday, 15 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand: Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness. And food is the opposit...

Shrink and Expand

Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness.

And food is the opposite. More food expands your body, and yet it shrinks your clothes. And your self-esteem.

So life is a bit like laundry. Shrink and expand. Men shrink their underwear, and expand their manhood.

The universe expanded in the Big Bang. And it might shrink again to, say, the size of a man's penis when it's dunked in a bucket of ice.

Neat.

Sunday, 12 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?: Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you s...

Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you smoke. 

As well, when you exhale smoke, the smoke will magically form another warning, only to be blown away in the wind.

Because if people only knew that smoking was bad for them, they would stop immediately.

Smoking is bad for you! Especially while eating KFC and drinking beer.

Tuesday, 7 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: New Show

Helloooo Newman: New Show: I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander ...

New Show


I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander the earth dead broke.


Sunday, 5 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump: Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.

Forest Lump


Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.


Thursday, 2 June 2022

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?: In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared t...

French Toast?

In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared to previous decades. 

Furthermore, 9 French words were said without a proper French accent. And 6 French words were used to deride the French language. 

They noted that saying "french toast" does not qualify as speaking French.

If this continues, the French language could suffer a loss of speakers and perhaps disappear within 2,000 years.

The government concludes they might have to force people to speak French.

Sunday, 29 May 2022

Helloooo Newman: Johnre

Helloooo Newman: Johnre: You know what's fun? Go to a party where you don't know anybody, tell them you're a musician named John, and you've invented...

Johnre

You know what's fun? Go to a party where you don't know anybody, tell them you're a musician named John, and you've invented a new johnre of music.

Really, it's fun.

Friday, 20 May 2022

Friday, 29 April 2022

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee: Shit-yikes-yipee. For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance. I'm mixed-emotin...

Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Shit-yikes-yipee.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance.

I'm mixed-emoting right now. 🍺😷

Rapid testing. Rapid drinking. Rapid talking. I'm leaning in, from 6 feet away.

Since I'm an Apple user, I downloaded iMmunity.

Swipe left and I'm invincible. Problem is, once it's in my body, the battery only last 2 hours and then I have to plug myself in for 1 hour. Excuse me, is that USB port free?

Hey, can you come here and talk? My cord isn't that long. Those were my first words when I was born.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day and they have this sign that says please keep 6 feet away from other people.

That's easy, I thought. Aren't they all 6 feet under?

Wish me luck.

Friday, 1 April 2022

The Russian Army is Crushing It

Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about bombing maternity wards, killing pregnant women and babies, as well as dying themselves. Add to that having to steal food from the people they're killing. Not a drop of caviar in sight. Oh, forgot the frostbite they are getting, even though this lesson was learned by the Germans back in WW2.

They've come up with an ingenious solution. I wish I had thought of this for a couple of my old bosses.

On tank regiment got a little tired of their boss barking orders at them. "Yes, that baby hospital is a secret military installation - destroy it.". Well, they didn't want to hear that, so they ran over his legs with the tank. So far no new orders from this boss.

Russian commanders that are run over by tanks are now part of the Crushian army.

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It: Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about killing pregnant women and babies, bombing maternity wards, as well as dying themselv...