Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing: In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass. "We're so excited and never knew t...

A real ass-kissing

In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass.

"We're so excited and never knew this was an option" says James Marape, leader of Papua New Guinea.

"We're buying a plane so we can fly to Canada and partake in this exciting activity" says Feleti Teo, leader of Tuvalu.

Doug points out that Donald Trump is first in line.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care: Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare! The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians. This med...

Universal Justin time care

Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare!

The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians.

This medication is to be used every time Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry appear in the news.

How to use: When you see the sickly pair, say, dancing in a hardware store, take the meds immediately, lie down and stop asking what it all means. It means shit.

Accompany with a stiff drink. Canadian whiskey, of course.

You'll feel suicidal. That should be temporary.

If it's not, you're in a better place. You'll never see them again.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?: Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe. One the...

Mitch is a glitch?

Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe.

One theory is that Mitch is a forgotten relic from previous universes God created as he practiced to create just the right universe. This one?

Clearly, God does not have his PhD in universe creation. More of a hobby, I would say.

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?: Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years....

When I'm sixty what?

Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years. Perhaps forever.

This is a real dilemma for Paul McCartney, who wants to update his song When I'm Sixty Four. Sir Paul wrote this song when he was 2 weeks old. Incredible.

He's toyed with When I'm 1064 Years Old. Or When I'm Infinity Years Old plus Sixty Four Years Old. In my opinion that doesn't really roll of the tongue very well.

Despite that, he's definitely changing the lines will you still need me, will you still feed me? to will you still need me, I completely understand you probably can't feed me with this inflation thing?

When I'm infinitely old.

Helloooo Newman: One important question…

Helloooo Newman: One important question…: I've been reading some of that philosophy/psychology crapola and I've learned there's really only one important question to ask ...

One important question…

I've been reading some of that philosophy/psychology crapola and I've learned there's really only one important question to ask yourself in life.

Do I want to suffer or do I not want to suffer?

Okay, I found one more. How many of those puffy onion rings can I eat in my life?

In other words, suffering is man-made. Your metal state decides whether you will suffer or not.

Your mental state will also decide how many onion rings you will eat. They are man-made too.

That's why the two questions. Man-made.

But the really important question is the first…

Well, anyway. Those two questions. Answer them.

Helloooo Newman: Diarrhea discount

Helloooo Newman: Diarrhea discount: Taco Bell is offering discounts for people who experienced diarrhea from their food. Taco Bell flyer: Did we give you explosive diarrhea?  H...

Diarrhea discount

Taco Bell is offering discounts for people who experienced diarrhea from their food.

Taco Bell flyer:

Did we give you explosive diarrhea? 

Have we got a deal for you.

Mexican pizza, sans explosive diarrhea, for a buck.

Regular diarrhea included in this limited offer.

Keep more of your money for toilet paper, Imodium and separate living quarters.

Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning

Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning: Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage. Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colo...

Air quality warning

Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage.

Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colour. Blood red maybe?

Anyhow, it's not safe to hang out in there. In case you plan to.

Been that way for a while and it ain't climate change.

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news: The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell. Keep in mind this is in addition to the...

Explosive news

The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell.

Keep in mind this is in addition to the normal Taco Bell explosive diarrhea you will get, known in medical circles as "Taco Bell Explosive Diarrhea". Even RFK recognizes this malady.

In other words, your diarrhea gets diarrhea.

Keep in mind – testosterone shots will not prevent it.

The employee manual has been updated, advising not to wash salad in the toilet.

Enjoy your meal.

PS: For this post I didn't check once how diarreea is actually spelled.

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules: From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

New restaurant rules

From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party: Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time. Stop it!

Pou pou on your party

Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time.

Stop it!

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player: It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova". Sharapova Muchova Anisimova Noskova Alexandrova Bouzkova Pot...

Favourite tennis player

It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova".

Sharapova

Muchova

Anisimova

Noskova

Alexandrova

Bouzkova

Potapova

Barhacova

By far my favourite is Moveova.

She's great to play doubles with because when the ball comes, she screams "move ova" and does all the work herself.

Then there's Gameova. Don't bother playing her because it's game over for you.

I feel sorry for Leftova. She's never picked to play.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch: Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Mitch with a stitch

Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun: Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey. Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptl...

Carney get your gun

Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey.

Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptly turned it over to the RCMP.

He also turned over 2 cap guns, 3 potato guns and 5 squirt guns from his childhood. Of course this being Canada, it was a mashed potato gun. Much safer. The squirt guns were loaded.

Helloooo Newman: Can of worms

Helloooo Newman: Can of worms: I wonder if 2 fishermen have ever had a fight in their little boat about something personal and one says, "way to go, now you've op...

Can of worms

I wonder if 2 fishermen have ever had a fight in their little boat about something personal and one says, "way to go, now you've opened a can of worms."

I wonder if they both laughed.

Helloooo Newman: Restraining Taylor

Helloooo Newman: Restraining Taylor: In all likelihood I would have attended Taylor's wedding if not for that restraining order. What a shame. Quite the guest list. Everyone...

Restraining Taylor

In all likelihood I would have attended Taylor's wedding if not for that restraining order.

What a shame. Quite the guest list. Everyone knows I love hanging with shit-faced football players eating bovine off the floor.

But, unfortunately, I've had a restraining order on Taylor for a while now.

Wouldn't leave me alone. Questions, questions, questions. What should I call my next album? What do you think of these shoes?

Anyway, I'm past it.

Waiting patiently for Justin and Katy's invite.

Helloooo Newman: Comedy prize

Helloooo Newman: Comedy prize: Helloooo Newman was up for the Mark Twain prize for American Humor. Unfortunately, Bill Maher just barely beat us. We did win the Shania Twa...

Comedy prize

Helloooo Newman was up for the Mark Twain prize for American Humor.

Unfortunately, Bill Maher just barely beat us.

We did win the Shania Twain prize for blogs that attempt to be funny and fall short by a very large amount.

I keep the award in my laundry basket.

Helloooo Newman: Pussy climate change fuck off!

Helloooo Newman: Pussy climate change fuck off!: Is that all you've got, climate change? .Going outside is like walking through lava? How lame! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm g...

Pussy climate change fuck off!

Is that all you've got, climate change?

.Going outside is like walking through lava?

How lame!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do some roofing for the summer.

I'm gonna become a sauna repairman.

I'm gonna be a pizza oven tester.

I'm gonna have a winter clothing fashion show in July.

Cuz it ain't that hot, sukka!

Pussy climate change fuck off!

Helloooo Newman: Waist not want not

Helloooo Newman: Waist not want not: Physicists have declared the universe is infinite, which means my waist isn't really that big, in comparison anyway. Mind you, it's ...

Waist not want not

Physicists have declared the universe is infinite, which means my waist isn't really that big, in comparison anyway.

Mind you, it's not easy comparing my waist to the universe. Holding them side-by-side is difficult, especially with my bad back. But you'll hardly notice it in comparison to, say, the Milky Way.

Anyway, I feel better there's lots of extra room in case my waist grows bigger.

Helloooo Newman: Wedding of the century

Helloooo Newman: Wedding of the century: Did you hear Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are having a spectacular and expensive wedding at Madison Square Garden in New York? Oh, wait a m...

Wedding of the century

Did you hear Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry are having a spectacular and expensive wedding at Madison Square Garden in New York?

Oh, wait a minute. That's Taylor Swift. Wrong rock star.

Justin and Katy will marry in the back seat of an emissions-free electric car partially supported by Canadian taxpayers. Each guest will be reminded that they are on stolen land while attending the festivities. No one knows yet which Tim Hortons parking lot the ceremony will take place in but guests are encouraged to arrive early due to the crowded drive-thru. All guests should be aware that wedding gifts are not tax deductible in Canada, unless you have an awesome accountant.

The wedding song will be Crime of the Century.

Helloooo Newman: Help yourself book

Helloooo Newman: Help yourself book: I'm writing a book for people who need help. It's a help yourself book, which means it's free. Help yourself to it.  My publishe...

Help yourself book

I'm writing a book for people who need help.

It's a help yourself book, which means it's free. Help yourself to it. 

My publisher isn't exactly happy about that part but tough shit.

It's called Fuck this shit about being happy. The subtitle is The universe doesn't promise you happiness so shut up about it.

Contact me to get your advance copy.

If I send it and you don't get it, tough shit.

No one promised you'd be happy.

Helloooo Newman: Tragedy of war

Helloooo Newman: Tragedy of war: Iran just closed the reflecting pool. The price of algae is skyrocketing.

Tragedy of war

Iran just closed the reflecting pool.

The price of algae is skyrocketing.

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Stories

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Stories:   I am totally not kidding. They let me run the country for almost 10 years and me and this other dude, can't remember his name, drove t...

Canadian Stories

 

I am totally not kidding. They let me run the country for almost 10 years and me and this other dude, can't remember his name, drove the country into huge debt. Get this – I spent $35 million funding a company that produced crickets for human consumption. They're out of business now, but – not my money.

Then they give me this huge pension. Oh stop laughing! It's true.

Anyway, looks like our Wagyu ribeyes are ready.

Hey are those croutons or crickets? Heeheehee.

Helloooo Newman: It's all in The Last Detail

Helloooo Newman: It's all in The Last Detail: I sent the Crocs company a message suggesting a new slogan. Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're going to a party. No word back ye...

It's all in The Last Detail

I sent the Crocs company a message suggesting a new slogan.

Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're going to a party.

No word back yet.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. There is no food or water allowed at FIFA...

Wisdom

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

There is no food or water allowed at FIFA.

Helloooo Newman: FIFA-fo-fum

Helloooo Newman: FIFA-fo-fum: The TTC announced they will close huge swaths of the service to install upgrades for the impending FIFA fandango.  But don't worry Toron...

FIFA-fo-fum

The TTC announced they will close huge swaths of the service to install upgrades for the impending FIFA fandango. 

But don't worry Toronto. Once FIFA is done, your favourite transportation service will close again to restore things to their normal crappy shituation.

Don't let the improved service get you down.