Helloooo Newman: Dumber and dumbest

Helloooo Newman: Dumber and dumbest: It's hard to pick who is the dumbest Republican around. It's like picking the cutest puppy. They're all so damn cute. Lots of ti...

Dumber and dumbest

It's hard to pick who is the dumbest Republican around. It's like picking the cutest puppy. They're all so damn cute.

Lots of times I think I have it figured out and then another one comes along and opens their mouth.

Is it really a worthwhile activity? Picking the dumbest Republican? I'm not sure but they all seem to be vying for the honour. So might as well try.

There's Dr. Oz. He tries to hide behind a big curtain of sanity but he's a few rings short. I peg this guy as the type that feeds Dorothy Rohypnol in a threesome with the Tin Man. For years he was peddled by the likes of Oprah but people seem to have forgotten that. He's in a tight race with Dr. Phil for Dr. Whack Job of the Century.

What about Pete? Pete Hogsbreath. Secretary of War? Also in the running was Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Rdigemont High until Trump found out Sean Penn wouldn't play him for 4 years. This guy makes Gomer Pyle look like Sun Tzu. He quotes characters from Call of Duty, eats peanut butter and testosterone sandwiches by the armoured personnel carrier and declares his sex life a war zone. He's a very strong contender.

Then comes along Eric Schmitt. We have a winner! This guy thinks Dostoyevsky's The Idiot is his autobiography. If only he could read. He proves that as a system, evolution is very broken.

Look for the awards show coming soon.

Helloooo Newman: Carney blarney

Helloooo Newman: Carney blarney: Mark Carney has down a spectacular job of talking himself into being a very popular leader. A serious guy doing a lot of hard work. And stan...

Carney blarney

Mark Carney has down a spectacular job of talking himself into being a very popular leader. A serious guy doing a lot of hard work. And standing up to Trump! A recent poll shows that 99.9% of Canadians not born yet would support him, if he would just wait for them to be born.

Helloooo Newman: Living with T-Rex

Helloooo Newman: Living with T-Rex: You have to give Americans credit. Forty three precent used to think that humans lived along side dinosaurs. Now they believe, as scientists...

Living with T-Rex

You have to give Americans credit. Forty three precent used to think that humans lived along side dinosaurs.

Now they believe, as scientists have proved, that this is only true of Mitch McConnell.

Helloooo Newman: Intellectual-lite

Helloooo Newman: Intellectual-lite: In a speech last week in New York, Justin Trudeau said that he doesn't think Donald Trump is working on behalf of the American people an...

Intellectual-lite

In a speech last week in New York, Justin Trudeau said that he doesn't think Donald Trump is working on behalf of the American people anymore.

Further observations included that Hitler didn't like Jews and white chocolate isn't even chocolate.

Helloooo Newman: New hire

Helloooo Newman: New hire:   Introducing…Lainey. The newest member of the Helloooo Newman writing crew. She was hired June 15 and she has 3 months of experience writin...

New hire

 

Introducing…Lainey.

The newest member of the Helloooo Newman writing crew.

She was hired June 15 and she has 3 months of experience writing humour.

She's a gift from Heaven. Okay, not really. She's the product of millions of years of evolution from the wolf to the modern dog. Actually, the first living cells are called prokaryotes. I would include a picture of one but they're not nearly as cute as Lainey. From one primitive cell to Lainey is astounding…and no god involved. I know this because any god that gave us this fucked up world would be unable to create something to perfectly cute. I mean, if I were God, and I rarely think I am, why wouldn't I just create an entire universe of puppies? Well, religion?

I thought so.

Here I go writing on and on. Hopefully Lainey is a good editor.

Watch for her writings on a new blog: It's a Lainey Day

Helloooo Newman: Galaxy quest

Helloooo Newman: Galaxy quest: Pierre Poilievre, after reaffirming that Canada will never be the 51st state, went on to reassure us that the Milky Way will never join the ...

Galaxy quest

Pierre Poilievre, after reaffirming that Canada will never be the 51st state, went on to reassure us that the Milky Way will never join the Andromeda Galaxy.

Quoting Mr. Poilievre: Scientists say the two galaxies will collide but I assure you Canada will remain part of the Milky Way."

Helloooo Newman: Drink up

Helloooo Newman: Drink up: Asked why he's drinking formaldehyde in Congress, Mitch McConnell explained, "the undertaker instructed me to."

Drink up

Asked why he's drinking formaldehyde in Congress, Mitch McConnell explained, "the undertaker instructed me to."

Helloooo Newman: AI AI OH

Helloooo Newman: AI AI OH: Wiping out humanity isn't the worst idea AI can come up with.* * This was written with AI

AI AI OH

Wiping out humanity isn't the worst idea AI can come up with.*

* This was written with AI

Helloooo Newman: Let's Make a Deal

Helloooo Newman: Let's Make a Deal: Donald Trump has revealed that Iran, Canada and Monty Hall all want to make a deal.

Let's Make a Deal

Donald Trump has revealed that Iran, Canada and Monty Hall all want to make a deal.

Helloooo Newman: Five grand ol' time

Helloooo Newman: Five grand ol' time: Elon Musk issued a statement saying he's really pumped about receiving Donald Trump's $5000 gift. "This really tops up my incom...

Five grand ol' time

Elon Musk issued a statement saying he's really pumped about receiving Donald Trump's $5000 gift.

"This really tops up my income and I have big plans for the cash."

"It's the little things I'm looking forward to buying. Like those ziplock bags with the extra grooves so you don't spend an hour trying to match them up while my leftover hot dogs go stale."

He also hopes to hire an advisor to come up with even stranger names for his children. He's running out of ideas after coming up with Seldon Lycurgus. Ideally, he wants as many children as there are Tesla's on the road - 7.2 million.

Helloooo Newman: Tranquil times

Helloooo Newman: Tranquil times: Donald Trump changed the name Sea of Tranquility to the Sea of America. Asked where it's located, he replied "on one of my golf cou...

Tranquil times

Donald Trump changed the name Sea of Tranquility to the Sea of America.

Asked where it's located, he replied "on one of my golf courses, I think."

Helloooo Newman: Let's CHAT

Helloooo Newman: Let's CHAT: ChatGPT is coming out with… ChatGOP…how do I fix the election? ChatGPS…where can I find a sane place to live? ChatGPA…how can I get an A+? C...

Let'sCHAT

ChatGPT is coming out with…

ChatGOP…how do I fix the election?

ChatGPS…where can I find a sane place to live?

ChatGPA…how can I get an A+?

ChatGTA…how can I find a city without hordes of traffic and no bike lanes?

ChatGUN…how do I kill someone with a gun?

ChatCATHY…you talk too much

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing: In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass. "We're so excited and never knew t...

A real ass-kissing

In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass.

"We're so excited and never knew this was an option" says James Marape, leader of Papua New Guinea.

"We're buying a plane so we can fly to Canada and partake in this exciting activity" says Feleti Teo, leader of Tuvalu.

Doug points out that Donald Trump is first in line.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care: Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare! The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians. This med...

Universal Justin time care

Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare!

The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians.

This medication is to be used every time Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry appear in the news.

How to use: When you see the sickly pair, say, dancing in a hardware store, take the meds immediately, lie down and stop asking what it all means. It means shit.

Accompany with a stiff drink. Canadian whiskey, of course.

You'll feel suicidal. That should be temporary.

If it's not, you're in a better place. You'll never see them again.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?: Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe. One the...

Mitch is a glitch?

Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe.

One theory is that Mitch is a forgotten relic from previous universes God created as he practiced to create just the right universe. This one?

Clearly, God does not have his PhD in universe creation. More of a hobby, I would say.

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?: Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years....

When I'm sixty what?

Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years. Perhaps forever.

This is a real dilemma for Paul McCartney, who wants to update his song When I'm Sixty Four. Sir Paul wrote this song when he was 2 weeks old. Incredible.

He's toyed with When I'm 1064 Years Old. Or When I'm Infinity Years Old plus Sixty Four Years Old. In my opinion that doesn't really roll of the tongue very well.

Despite that, he's definitely changing the lines will you still need me, will you still feed me? to will you still need me, I completely understand you probably can't feed me with this inflation thing?

When I'm infinitely old.

Helloooo Newman: One important question…

Helloooo Newman: One important question…: I've been reading some of that philosophy/psychology crapola and I've learned there's really only one important question to ask ...

One important question…

I've been reading some of that philosophy/psychology crapola and I've learned there's really only one important question to ask yourself in life.

Do I want to suffer or do I not want to suffer?

Okay, I found one more. How many of those puffy onion rings can I eat in my life?

In other words, suffering is man-made. Your metal state decides whether you will suffer or not.

Your mental state will also decide how many onion rings you will eat. They are man-made too.

That's why the two questions. Man-made.

But the really important question is the first…

Well, anyway. Those two questions. Answer them.

Helloooo Newman: Diarrhea discount

Helloooo Newman: Diarrhea discount: Taco Bell is offering discounts for people who experienced diarrhea from their food. Taco Bell flyer: Did we give you explosive diarrhea?  H...

Diarrhea discount

Taco Bell is offering discounts for people who experienced diarrhea from their food.

Taco Bell flyer:

Did we give you explosive diarrhea? 

Have we got a deal for you.

Mexican pizza, sans explosive diarrhea, for a buck.

Regular diarrhea included in this limited offer.

Keep more of your money for toilet paper, Imodium and separate living quarters.

Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning

Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning: Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage. Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colo...

Air quality warning

Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage.

Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colour. Blood red maybe?

Anyhow, it's not safe to hang out in there. In case you plan to.

Been that way for a while and it ain't climate change.

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news: The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell. Keep in mind this is in addition to the...

Explosive news

The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell.

Keep in mind this is in addition to the normal Taco Bell explosive diarrhea you will get, known in medical circles as "Taco Bell Explosive Diarrhea". Even RFK recognizes this malady.

In other words, your diarrhea gets diarrhea.

Keep in mind – testosterone shots will not prevent it.

The employee manual has been updated, advising not to wash salad in the toilet.

Enjoy your meal.

PS: For this post I didn't check once how diarreea is actually spelled.

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules: From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

New restaurant rules

From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party: Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time. Stop it!

Pou pou on your party

Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time.

Stop it!

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player: It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova". Sharapova Muchova Anisimova Noskova Alexandrova Bouzkova Pot...

Favourite tennis player

It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova".

Sharapova

Muchova

Anisimova

Noskova

Alexandrova

Bouzkova

Potapova

Barhacova

By far my favourite is Moveova.

She's great to play doubles with because when the ball comes, she screams "move ova" and does all the work herself.

Then there's Gameova. Don't bother playing her because it's game over for you.

I feel sorry for Leftova. She's never picked to play.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch: Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Mitch with a stitch

Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun: Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey. Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptl...

Carney get your gun

Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey.

Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptly turned it over to the RCMP.

He also turned over 2 cap guns, 3 potato guns and 5 squirt guns from his childhood. Of course this being Canada, it was a mashed potato gun. Much safer. The squirt guns were loaded.