Tuesday, 20 July 2021

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery

Helloooo Newman: Space, The Final Delivery: Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.

Space, The Final Delivery

Jeff Bezos just went to the edge of space in his own rocket. I have a gut feeling this could put Amazon on the map.


Wednesday, 16 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight

Helloooo Newman: Punching Above His Weight: I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn'...

Punching Above His Weight


I was kinda hoping at the Putin/Biden presser that Putin would rip his shirt off and wrestle Kaitlin Collins of CNN in some mud. Wouldn't that be more fun than reducing the nuclear stockpile?


Should she play the next Joker?


Wednesday, 9 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words

Helloooo Newman: Magical Words: It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "li...

Magical Words

It's weird the magical patterns we find in the universe. Makes you think. I'm sure you've heard that the middle word in "life" is "if". And dog spelled backwards is god. 

Check this out. The word "Norsemen" contains the word "semen". 

Spooky.


Helloooo Newman: Free Will

Helloooo Newman: Free Will:  Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.

Free Will

 Jesus the cost of things these days. The price of free will just quadrupled.


Tuesday, 8 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty

Helloooo Newman: Bathing Beauty: Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees r...

Bathing Beauty

Have you been forest bathing yet? It's all the rage and really good for you. People are paying serious money to do it. Turns out trees release all these neat chemicals that are good for our brains.

I prefer when it was cheaper, back when we called it "going outside".


Friday, 4 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: Options

Helloooo Newman: Options: You know what's wrong with today's world? Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering. My new dishwasher comes wit...

Options

You know what's wrong with today's world?

Too many options. More options means more angst and suffering.

My new dishwasher comes with an "extra dry" option. What?

I want my dishes dry. Non-wet. Lacking moisture. Void of H20. Instead I got the martini setting. Gobi Desert dishes coming up.

Hey honey, what are you doing with these dishes? They're sooo dry. Is it okay if I put food on them?

I never got any complaints about my last dishwasher. Jesus, man, did you do these dishes in the shower? They're soaked.

Thing cost $1000. How about a button that says "cheaper dishwasher".

Wednesday, 2 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice

Helloooo Newman: No Political Advice: As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice. By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn...

No Political Advice

As my loyal readers know, I am loath to get political or give political advice.

By the way, I'm not voting for Doug Ford and you shouldn't either!

I will not vote for Doug Ford, and I will not do it with overwhelming glee. A vote for Doug Ford is a vote for Forrest Gump after having swallowed a few thousand boxes of chocolate on that park bench, chocolate chart and all.

Alas, a non-vote isn't punishment enough. I'm getting Doug the Slug a Peloton for Christmas. Imagine how his bulbous mass will recoil from the exercise equipment, much like a python from fire, after having swallowed 2 fawns whole and digesting it for ten years. Sound like someone we know?

This is not political advice that you should not follow.

Tuesday, 1 June 2021

Helloooo Newman: mRNA

Helloooo Newman: mRNA: The incredible work of the new mRNA technology is actually a world wonder. It's behind one of the most successful vaccines ever develope...

mRNA

The incredible work of the new mRNA technology is actually a world wonder. It's behind one of the most successful vaccines ever developed, for Covid-19, and is being further developed for other challenging health battles.

Scientists are working hard to develop a vaccine for a small group called the "Leaf fan", a subset of the human race under the delusion that the Toronto Maple Leafs will win another Stanley Cup. They ask that you don't confront these people and their delusion, as they may get lock jaw and never be able to consume another hot dog and beer for $100 again.

Trials begin in July, right around the time that the hockey season ends.


Wednesday, 26 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis

Helloooo Newman: Praying Mantis: I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they ...

Praying Mantis

I was watching Monster Bug Wars last night. Feel sorry for all those praying mantises who get eaten by predators. All that praying and they go unanswered. Just like us pathetic humans.

I wouldn't doubt there's some atheist mantises out there. A few might be agnostic. They just don't get any press.

Thursday, 20 May 2021

Routine

Routine. They say it's good for you. Keeps you centered.

I don't know about you, but my routine now includes checking to see what Doug Ford will allow me to do this week.

The list is growing, which is so exciting. 

Yup. Sip of coffee. Doug Ford's rules. 

Keeps me centered.

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution

Helloooo Newman: UN Resolution: The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day. You will not be cancelled. Not even yo...

UN Resolution

The UN passed a resolution declaring today "John Tory please get your fucking haircut" day.

You will not be cancelled. Not even your cable.

Also, it's the long weekend, Ontario. In case it slips your mind, stay inside and do nothing.

You wanna do something? Go to the US.

Monday, 17 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment

Helloooo Newman: Business Investment: I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction. Looking for investors. Interested?

Business Investment


I'm starting a new business called Jenga Construction.

Looking for investors. Interested?

Sunday, 16 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money

Helloooo Newman: Home Sweet Money: My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Saturday, 15 May 2021

Home Sweet Money

My daughter's old Barbie house sold for way over asking on Kijiji. And only one bathroom. What a crazy house market. 

Wednesday, 12 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario

Helloooo Newman: Fordified Ontario: I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe. The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outs...

Fordified Ontario

I rest easy at night knowing that Doug the Slug is keeping Ontario safe.

The best way to do that is to fine people for being inside and outside. Police have charged four people for driving in a car together. Not fair. As the weather gets warmer, I would like to have a pool, and if a car pool is my only option, why punish me?

The good news is you can't be fined for being beside yourself, unless you have split personality and there's more than 5 of you.

Physics tells us that if you're not inside, you're outside. But that's illegal too. The other day I was fined for golfing. I pleaded with the judge. Fortunately because it was mini-golf, the fine was smaller.

The judge and I had a laugh about how difficult the shot is around the windmill. He uses a wedge but I use a driver. Different strokes for different folks, I say. Good thing I was driving alone.

Tuesday, 11 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me

Helloooo Newman: Sock it to me:  I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Sock it to me

 I wish my feet were where my hands are. Would be so much easier to put my socks on.

Monday, 10 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up

Helloooo Newman: Grass Fed Up: What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy...

Grass Fed Up

What's the big deal with grass-fed beef? I can't imagine cows enjoy it. If I lived the life they did, I would for sure want to enjoy a juicy steak from time to time. With some frites. Especially if I'm on a farm in Paris.

Besides, I think cows should use their own product if they're going to sell it. Remember the Hair Club for Men commercials. The President wasn't just the President. He was a client too.

Cows should eat beef every once in a while. I'm more likely to eat them if they do.

Wednesday, 5 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Helloooo Newman: Tim Horton Hears a Poop: Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?

Tim Horton Hears a Poop

Tried the new Tim Hortons dark blend. Made me think about their contest - roll up the toilet rim to win - is that what it's called?


Sunday, 2 May 2021

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting

Helloooo Newman: Zoom Meeting: Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him. Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting. He bought it.

Saturday, 1 May 2021

Zoom Meeting

Shit, I was stopped by a cop yesterday. Said I was going way too fast, just zoomed by him.

Not my fault. I was in a Zoom meeting.

He bought it.

Monday, 26 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12

Helloooo Newman: X Æ A-12: Oh, you're wondering about the title, right? That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that? It's pronoun...

X Æ A-12

Oh, you're wondering about the title, right?

That's the name of Elon Musk's new baby. You didn't know that?

It's pronounced…

X Æ A-12

They were going to call him Dave but were afraid other kids would make fun of him.

He's doing very well. He can go up to ten steps on every charge (5 steps on stairs) and poops lithium, which keeps the diaper count down.

They were hoping for a Model X baby but a defect in the manufacturing process gave them a S Model.

He will also raise himself, unless something goes wrong and his entire life crashes and burns.

Good luck, Elon and baby.

Thursday, 22 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: Borderline

Helloooo Newman: Borderline: Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the varian...

Borderline

Trudeau is considering imposing tough border restrictions from India due to a variant spreading like wildfire. Rest assured, once the variant arrives here, he'll make a decision.

To quote the great Madonna – you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

Meanwhile, we all feel better after Ford's tearful apology. Finally, he's brining in paid sick leave. Please feel free to use this yourself, Doug.

Are you mortified? No, You're Fordified.


Wednesday, 21 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man

Helloooo Newman: Elephant Man:  New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.

Elephant Man


 New research shows that 99% of the time, the elephant in the room is Doug Ford.


Monday, 19 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring

Helloooo Newman: Signs of Spring: Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers. Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the n...

Signs of Spring

Springtime in Ontario. Good to see the parks empty and the warehouses full of workers.

Costco is only allowed 25% capacity, which puts the number of customers at about 1,500. 

25 is an important number in Canada.

Canada is 25th in vaccine delivery to people's arms. 

25% of Trudeau's beard is grey hair so we can pretend he's mature enough to take care of us.

25 is the number in centimetres of Doug the Slug's biceps so he can be the tough guy that sics cops on people driving their car. Keep in mind the government gives billions to car companies when we don't buy enough cars and then pleads with us to buy more cars and when we buy the cars the cops stop us and ask us what the hell we think we're doing driving a car oh officer I'm getting food can't you tell I'm hungry well then why don't you walk to the store because then we'll stop buying cars and the government will get mad at us.

Was that a run on sentence I think it was because it seems kinda long and maybe a little meandering.

25 is the number of reasons Canadians have to move to New Zealand.

Thursday, 15 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log

Helloooo Newman: Travel Log: I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with...

Travel Log

I miss travelling so much that I'm forced to watch Border Security just for the thrill of being at an airport. I'd even be okay with being searched and they find cocaine balls up my butt and force me to crap them out. At least I'm travelling.

Thursday, 8 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down

Helloooo Newman: You Can't Lock Jesus Down: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are...

You Can't Lock Jesus Down

In case you haven't noticed, I ain't getting any younger. Yup – wheelchair ramps, gum disease and a body shaped like ginger root are in my near future.

Who, you might ask, will inherit this comedy empire I've single-handedly built from the sewer up.

My brilliant daughter, obviously.

Case in point –

On day one of a new stay-at-home order we see a man wandering the hood holding up a sign saying "Jesus is the one, the way blah blah blah" and other complete mumbo jumbo.

I was aghast. "Well, you can't lock Jesus down", I said.

My daughter responded, "Nope. You can nail him down, though."

I laughed so hard I threw up my Hawkins Cheezies. They're expensive.

I can rest easy knowing the empire is in good hands.

Hey Jesus, if you don't have any vaccine, stay home.

Wednesday, 7 April 2021

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue

Helloooo Newman: Captain Kirk to the Rescue: Doug the Slug is trying to find a respirator large enough to keep Ontario alive. From his cottage, of course. Meanwhile, Trudeau is wonderin...