Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather

Helloooo Newman: Stormy weather: Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm. It's going to be so bad...

Stormy weather

Wow, this storm is going to be historical. Like nothing humanity has ever seen, since the last historical storm.

It's going to be so bad, when it actually starts, that I'm pre-shovelling around my house. Just to stay ahead of it.

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot

Helloooo Newman: Waiting for Gadot: I'm writing a play. It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot . It's based on Waiting for Godot , obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled...

Waiting for Gadot

I'm writing a play.

It's called Waiting for Gal Gadot.

It's based on Waiting for Godot, obviously. By the way, Beckett spelled Gadot incorrectly.

Two guys in their mom's basement in Thunder Bay wait for Gal Gadot to show up.

They wait and wait and wait. Talk. Drink beer. Wait. Listen to Nickelback. 

Buddies come over. They chat. Drink beer. Sing karaoke Nickelback.

Other stuff happens I can't mention here.

All the while expecting Gadot to show up. I won't tell you if she does.

Look for it on Off Off-colour Broadway.

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth

Helloooo Newman: Wisdom Teeth: When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into. A favourite is: ...

Wisdom Teeth

When life gets tough, I always turn to tried and true wisdoms to get me through. Something I can really sink my teeth into.

A favourite is: even a broken clock is right twice a day

You can use it if you want. Not like I own it.

So powerful.

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities

Helloooo Newman: Missed Opportunities: I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry. Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I...

Missed Opportunities

I watched the entire Netflix special about Meghan and Harry.

Then I realized there was some perfectly good paint in my bathroom walls that I could've watched dry.

It's the missed opportunities in life that really hurt.

Reliving History

 Happy birthday, Mr. President

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction

Helloooo Newman: Fusion reaction: Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long? Jazz found fusion years ago.

Fusion reaction

Isn't it weird scientists are only discovering fusion now? What took so long?

Jazz found fusion years ago.

Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero

Helloooo Newman: Nero the hero:   This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America. Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So wh...

Nero the hero

 

This is Nero. Nero is a Canaan. A very hard breed to find in North America.

Canaans were first bred in Israel as bomb-sniffing dogs. So when I walk Nero, I don't say the usual dog things to him, like "let's go poopies", "pee-pee", "who's a good boy?". None of that nonsense for this serious guy. "I find bombs, you know" he once said to me.

Instead, I say "where's the bomb?", "find the bomb Nero", "check under the car?".

He keeps trying and trying, and the problem is we never actually find a bomb, of course. So he gets discouraged. "There's gotta be a bomb around here somewhere". He doesn't know we're not in the Middle East, even though it's minus 10 out.

One time I fashioned a homemade bomb and hid it under a car so he could find it. He was so proud of himself upon making the discovery. Wouldn't shut up about it. Unfortunately I pulled a wrong wire and the bomb went off, but there wasn't much damage.

I've been walking him for a year and still every time I get to his house he barks and howls at me like a demon dog. Like it's the first time he's met me.

He must think I'm the bomb.

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap

Helloooo Newman: Filling the Gap: Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry? Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Filling the Gap

Did you hear The Gap clothing store is moving into dentistry?

Look for GAP TEETH near you.

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts

Helloooo Newman: Xmas Gifts: Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Xmas Gifts

Getting everyone those pre-sealed envelopes. Save a lot of time, and your tongue.

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight

Helloooo Newman: Tuesday night close to midnight: I watched that new show Wednesday . The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there. Very close, though. She definitel...

Tuesday night close to midnight

I watched that new show Wednesday.

The girl playing Wednesday did a pretty good job, but not quite there.

Very close, though. She definitely made it to Tuesday. I thought around noon but on further analysis, I think she's close to midnight on Tuesday. A few minutes before. 

Just shy of early Wednesday morning. Too bad.

Still, you gotta hand it to her.

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am

Helloooo Newman: I overthink, therefore I am: Sometimes I think I overthink things But suddenly I'm not so sure It could be this, it could be that Figuring it out has such allure Is ...

I overthink, therefore I am

Sometimes I think I overthink things

But suddenly I'm not so sure

It could be this, it could be that

Figuring it out has such allure

Is it my brain or is it me?

That's doing all the figuring

To be or not to be?

God I hated Shakespeare in high school

Somewhere in there are answers

Picking the right one is hard

Hey, where did the rhyme go?

I overthink, therefore I am…not much of a bard

Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading

Helloooo Newman: It's Spreading: Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late? Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get f...

It's Spreading

Do you live near the Eglinton LRT project? Has your bum been sore of late?

Doctors have attributed this to the continual ass-raping we get from Metrolinx.

So far no creams are effective.

One rogue doctor has suggested a remedy of firing the Metrolinx bastards, taking their perks and benefits away and starting over with someone else.

My bum felt better just hearing that.

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?

Helloooo Newman: Is it terminal, doctor?: I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like. Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Is it terminal, doctor?

I found two Taylor Swift songs that I really like.

Tomorrow I'm checking into a hospital.

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model

Helloooo Newman: Monster Model: Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron? She plays a serial killer. I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of li...

Monster Model

Did you ever see that movie Monster with Charlize Theron?

She plays a serial killer.

I had trouble buying it. I kept thinking instead of living a dismal life killing men, why didn't she just take off all that bad makeup and become a model.

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?

Helloooo Newman: Why did he do it?: This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his mo...

Why did he do it?

This very moment, experts are scratching their heads trying to figure out why a piece-of-shit scumbag shot up an LGBTQ club. What was his motivation? He must have had some reason.

Meanwhile, we find out his dad is a porn star, appearing in greats like I Wanna Get Titty Fucked. Don't bother seeing it. All the penis and tits shots use a green screen. And you can tell.

The dad was quoted as saying he was just happy his son wasn't gay, and "we don't do gay."

But still, what could have been the shooter's motivation? Where did it come from?

I'm stumped.

Some day, people smarter than me will figure it out.

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough

Helloooo Newman: Not Swiftly Enough: Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends.  I sur...

Not Swiftly Enough

Damn. Didn't have a chance to run to the bank to mortgage my house so I could see Taylor Swift sing live about her ex-boyfriends. 

I sure hope she shows a profit on this tour. I worry about that girl's money sense.

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul

Helloooo Newman: Call Me Paul: I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Call Me Paul

I wonder what happens when a sperm whale and a humpback whale have sex.

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes

Helloooo Newman: Use your assholes: Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw ar...

Use your assholes

Here's an idea. If the Democrats lose next week, how about they claim fake election, complain, issue court challenges, deny and throw around death threats. Act like assholes. Just like the Republicans do.

We all have assholes.

Come on, Democrats. It's time to start using your assholes.

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers

Helloooo Newman: Graham is crackers: As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don&...

Graham is crackers

As a last resort, since SCOTUS turned him down, Lindsey Graham will appeal to the all-powerful Ye to prevent him from testifying. "Don't wear Adidas at the ruling" was Ye's first tip.

Yippee ki-Ye, motherfuckers will be his legal approach.

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic: We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over. You suffer from a monde...

Mondegreenisms: The New Pandemic

We all suffer from it. We carry mondegreenisms around with us all day. Clanking around in our brains. Over and over.

You suffer from a mondegreen when you misunderstand words from a song and hear them as other words. Real words, but the wrong words.

Some suffer a more terrible strain than others. Like me. Take the song De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da from the Police.

Love the title. Succinct. Descriptive. Says it all. There is a particular line in this song that I have long heard as, "one named Alice Quence rapes me".

Guess what. Those aren't the right lyrics. They are, "and when their eloquence escapes me".

Turns out Alice Quence is not a real person.

Anyway. That's all I have to say to you.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet: 42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.

New Diet

42% of Americans are considered obese. And 30% of people are eating less to save money due to inflation. I'm not sure I see the problem.

Helloooo Newman: Ghost Whisperers

Helloooo Newman: Ghost Whisperers: I'm tired of people ghosting me. And today, of all days.

Ghost Whisperers

I'm tired of people ghosting me. And today, of all days.

Helloooo Newman: Movie Madness

Helloooo Newman: Movie Madness: When are we getting paid, honey? James Cameron has been working on Avatar 2 for about 1500 years now. And it's almost done. He recently ...

Movie Madness

When are we getting paid, honey?

James Cameron has been working on Avatar 2 for about 1500 years now. And it's almost done. He recently bragged at how this is the most complicated thing he's ever done.

It's called Avatar: The Way of Water. And with global warming and the rising oceans, it will have way more water than anticipated. When you see it in the theatre, you will be knee deep in swampy, salty water. It will be that real.

It's so real and complicated, even God is jealous.

Quoting God: Gee, if I knew a project could be so amazingly real, I would have spent longer than 6 days on the universe. I definitely would have spent more money on stuff so, like, perfectly good stars don't just blow up. I sure didn't expect that 98% of all species would die off before the wonderfully amazing homo sapien showed up. I see and know everything, and yet hindsight is still 20/20. Hats off to Cameron.

Helloooo Newman: Health Nut

Helloooo Newman: Health Nut: Convincing my daughter to eat a banana, orange or apple is, how would you say? Fruitile

Health Nut

Convincing my daughter to eat a banana, orange or apple is, how would you say?

Fruitile

Helloooo Newman: My CIty

Helloooo Newman: My CIty: I guess I'll start calling my city Toryonto. Or Toryontoe Maybe Toryanna

My CIty

I guess I'll start calling my city Toryonto.

Or Toryontoe

Maybe Toryanna

Helloooo Newman: More Than a £ of Flesh

Helloooo Newman: More Than a £ of Flesh: Hey kids, did you know that Liz Truss, British PM for 44 days, gets a yearly £150,000 pension. And if you dress up as a British PM for Hallo...

More Than a £ of Flesh

Hey kids, did you know that Liz Truss, British PM for 44 days, gets a yearly £150,000 pension. And if you dress up as a British PM for Halloween, you receive a yearly £50,000 pension and a lifetime supply of urine crime scene candy tubes.

Helloooo Newman: Coco Confused

Helloooo Newman: Coco Confused: This is Coco. A very smart girl. Or so I thought. Yes, she knows a lot of commands and has a good grasp of manners around humans. However, y...

Coco Confused

This is Coco. A very smart girl. Or so I thought.

Yes, she knows a lot of commands and has a good grasp of manners around humans.

However, yesterday I asked her a pretty clear question to test her abilities.

I asked: Do you think the universe is really an Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen condensate where space is a 10-dimensional manifold in De Sitter space and time is an expression of the low entropy Big Bang?

Look how confused she is.

Silly girl.

Mensa my ass.

Helloooo Newman: Underwear

Helloooo Newman: Underwear: Damn, need some new underwear. Might have to change it less often. Thank God Christmas is on the way. Speaking of underwear, Britain is chan...

Underwear

Damn, need some new underwear. Might have to change it less often. Thank God Christmas is on the way.

Speaking of underwear, Britain is changing their PM again.

Helloooo Newman: Medical Emergency

Helloooo Newman: Medical Emergency: I got in an argument with my doctor. I told her I have to pee three or four times every night. Out of bed, pee, back to bed. She thinks it m...

Medical Emergency

I got in an argument with my doctor.

I told her I have to pee three or four times every night. Out of bed, pee, back to bed.

She thinks it might be my prostate.

I said no way. I think it's the 3-4 beers I drink before going to sleep.

She doesn't believe me.

What a jerk.

Helloooo Newman: Good Ol' Days

Helloooo Newman: Good Ol' Days: Remember the days when hookers offered curb side pickup?

Good Ol' Days

Remember the days when hookers offered curb side pickup?

Helloooo Newman: Lisztening

Helloooo Newman: Lisztening: Have you ever enjoyed Franz Liszt's music? It's great, but you really have to liszten carefully.

Lisztening

Have you ever enjoyed Franz Liszt's music? It's great, but you really have to liszten carefully.

Helloooo Newman: That's a No Vote for the Greene Party

Helloooo Newman: That's a No Vote for the Greene Party: I use to be vehemently against divorce. Then I heard Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband wants a divorce and I thought, ya I can relate to ...

That's a No Vote for the Greene Party

I use to be vehemently against divorce. Then I heard Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband wants a divorce and I thought, ya I can relate to that, makes a lot of sense. Now, in certain circumstances, I strongly encourage people to get divorced. I'll even help them with the legal fees. Yes, I'm willing to throw decades of Catholic ideology out the window. Thank God.

Helloooo Newman: Botoxic

Helloooo Newman: Botoxic:   It's amazing with all the botox Putin is on, he's still losing face in Ukraine

Botoxic

 

It's amazing with all the botox Putin is on, he's still losing face in Ukraine

Helloooo Newman: 60 Years On

Helloooo Newman: 60 Years On: Turning 60 soon. Feel pretty good. Not as big a deal as I thought.  Here's a recent picture of me engaging in one of the many sports I s...

60 Years On

Turning 60 soon. Feel pretty good. Not as big a deal as I thought. 

Here's a recent picture of me engaging in one of the many sports I still play.

Speaking of 60 years on, when do you think Elton John will actually finish his last concert?

Makes me feel old.

Helloooo Newman: Lavrov the Dog

Helloooo Newman: Lavrov the Dog:   Introducing Putin's lap dog. The public face of Russian killplomacy. I think he stores Putin's botox in his cheeks. He's a chi...

Lavrov the Dog

 

Introducing Putin's lap dog. The public face of Russian killplomacy.

I think he stores Putin's botox in his cheeks. He's a chipmunk for dictators and their youthful features.

Where did the mould for this face come from? Some weird Halloween store only in Tim Burton's imagination.

This guy's eyes couldn't get any closer if you put his head in a waffle iron? Hey, let's go to IHOP, I know someone in the kitchen. Scientists have declared him a cyclops. So has his eye doctor. Charges him half price. 

Forget being afraid of the draft in Russia. Imagine if this guy was a Petrushka doll. As he gets smaller and smaller, millions of Russian children get more and more damaged. 

Even though he's a murdering sow, there seems something avuncular about him. I mean, if your uncle was produced from the genes of Mr. Potato Head and Jay Leno. When I look at him, I think, ya, I guess Dog the Bounty Hunter does look like Grace Kelly when you compare them side by side.

And he is a bit like potatoes. So many interesting ways to present potatoes, so many interesting ways to torture civilians. Could be a Food Channel special.

Give him another dacha and he salivates.

Also, he's a mean guy.

Helloooo Newman: Priorities, Priorities

Helloooo Newman: Priorities, Priorities: Edward Snowden, hero to many for exposing the way the American government spies on its own people without telling them – a man full of scrup...

Priorities, Priorities

Edward Snowden, hero to many for exposing the way the American government spies on its own people without telling them – a man full of scruples – is now a citizen of Russia, who tortures children and women in order to subjugate a nation that Putin feels shouldn't exist, and spies on its own people, but tells them.

What a stand up guy. Would be a shame if he's sent to the Ukranian war front, being a Russian citizen in good standing and all.

Helloooo Newman: Dressing for Nuclear War

Helloooo Newman: Dressing for Nuclear War: I really think if Vlad is going to start a nuclear war he should put a shirt on. Show some respect for mass extermination. You know who desi...

Dressing for Nuclear War

I really think if Vlad is going to start a nuclear war he should put a shirt on.

Show some respect for mass extermination. You know who designed the Nazi uniforms? Hugo Boss. Now that's class.

And you can keep it khaki, Vlad. I suggest a nice linen, maybe with some metal buttons made from one of your blown out tanks. Linen breathes very nicely and it's gonna get hot once the bombs drop.

Definitely keep the sunglasses, dude. Perfect for that nuclear flash that's brighter than a thousand suns. You definitely don't look like one of those creepy voodoo dolls carved out of animal dung.

I think they say that only two things can survive a nuclear war. Cockroaches and Vlad's 6-pack. 

At least Vlad will have someone to hang out with that he has so much in common with.

Helloooo Newman: Lineup

Helloooo Newman: Lineup: I started lining up to see the Queen's coffin in a Costco cashier line. Kill 2 birds. Moving super slowly. But good for toilet paper for...

Lineup

I started lining up to see the Queen's coffin in a Costco cashier line. Kill 2 birds.

Moving super slowly. But good for toilet paper for a while.

Helloooo Newman: A Morning for Mourning

Helloooo Newman: A Morning for Mourning: We in Canada know full well how the death of a Royal can particularly effect our government workers, vulnerable as they are to the fall of K...

A Morning for Mourning

We in Canada know full well how the death of a Royal can particularly effect our government workers, vulnerable as they are to the fall of Kings and Queens. GOT was hugely popular here, you know.

That's why they get a paid day off for mourning, and you don't. All productive activities stop. Damn the important rules that keep society running like a well-oiled machine. It's time to get up in the mourning and preen for the Queen at her funeral – the TV version.

It also gives them a little time to be thankful for being grossly overpaid, pension benefits that align them with lesser Russian Oligarchs and the opportunity to enforce a myriad of labyrinth-like laws that normal people call hurdles to a productive life.

Hopefully they also think, hey that JT guy gave me a day off. Cool.

I weep with them.

Helloooo Newman: I Wish I was Special

Helloooo Newman: I Wish I was Special: I nominate Norman Bates as Special Master for Donald Trump.

I Wish I was Special

I nominate Norman Bates as Special Master for Donald Trump.

Helloooo Newman: Queen

Helloooo Newman: Queen: I loved the band Queen. To hear that they're no more is heartbreaking.

Queen

I loved the band Queen. To hear that they're no more is heartbreaking.

Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start

Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start: It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly". ...

Healthy Start

It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly".

I knew in my heart they'd step up.

We might even see some radical thinking, along the lines of beer in grocery stores, a move sure to go down in the anals of Ontario's history.

Why, we might even admit that some kind of private health mechanism isn't evil, even though we already have that to some degree, but shhhhhh, no we don't. (Quebec allows a lot of privater care, but shhhh)

Then we'd be similar to other countries that everyone despises for how they treat their people, like Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, France, Germany, Australia, Switzerland…

Or we could stay aligned with countries like…North Korea.

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing: With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING. YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Loud Firing

With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING.

YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey: In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Drinking Grey

In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Tennis, Anyone?

Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Helloooo Newman: Recovering

Helloooo Newman: Recovering: I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Recovering

I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure: As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not to...

Beer Pressure

As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not too hoppy, pairs well with a chicken wrap and Columbia catalogue clothing, won't give me a headache, a nice light buzz but I won't puke in your washroom?"

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia: While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released,  I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Rodding in Russian Prison

While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released, 

I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny: Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?" It really can be. Last night I was watching some old Steve Mar...

Life is Funny

Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?"

It really can be.

Last night I was watching some old Steve Martin skits.

Really funny.

Then I reviewed some old Seinfeld episodes. The masturbation one. Funny, right? The Elaine dance? Too fucking funny.

Yup. Life can be funny.

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee: Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back? The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you ...

Go Away Goatee

Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back?

The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you warm. Left alone, it grows naturally.

But trimming it down to a goatee? Did people get so tired of grooming styles that they had to look to farm animals to spice life up?

Honey, I'm tired of looking at my face.

Me too, sweetie.

I need something different. My imagination for changing my look only extends as far as the fact that I'm surrounded by farm animals.

Perfect, sweetie.

But which animal?

You've always enjoyed spending time with the goats, sweetie. Remember last Friday night?

Great idea.

Or maybe it was the brainchild of some old-time brilliant bank robber who got tired of covering his face with a handkerchief. Due to the heat, of course. Billy goat. The perfect disguise.

Honest, officer. The bank was heisted by a trip of goats with shot guns.

The money's probably been eaten by now.

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot: If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

I Like It — A Lot

If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education: Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it ...

We Don't Need No Education

Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it is? What's their source? Do they have some kind of agenda?

I just wish someone would explain it all to me in simple terms I can digest.

The war in Ukraine is a perfect example. What's really going on? Maybe there's a good reason Russia needs to bomb hospitals, kill children, destroy nuclear plants and threaten nuclear war, as a matter of policy. I don't know.

When I'm lost like this, I like to look to my favourite rock band for information.

That's why, as you can imagine, I was gleeful that Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, finally weighed in on the terrible war over yonder in Eastern Europe.

He's using his concerts to release this valuable insight. To be honest, I didn't read any further than the fact that he supports Russia and Joe Biden is a war criminal.

I don't need more information. If my favourite rock band has an opinion that can be expressed at a concert on a banner, I want to like it. I want to sing to it. I want to know that all those years of devotion to my rock icons have been properly invested for a useful purpose.

The details are irrelevant. As Mr. Waters sings, we don't need no education.

Thank you, Mr. Waters, for finally speaking up.

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping

Helloooo Newman: No Name Dropping: I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a tr...

No Name Dropping

I should warn my readers that I will continue to refer to Ryerson University as Ryerson University, despite the name change. If this is a trigger for you then go pull your trigger somewhere else. Try a porn site. I can't think of any names off the top of my head, but try Pornhub.

Just like I will continue to refer to Elon Musk's son as X Æ A-12, even though his son prefers "Pi R Squared", or "The Area of a Pizza".

Helloooo Newman: Watch God

Helloooo Newman: Watch God: I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of Go...

Watch God

I was walking down the street yesterday and was going to look in this nice church, but they had a sign on the lawn saying "Beware of God".

Crazy world, where you need a watch God to protect your shit.

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs

Helloooo Newman: 5Gs: I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude rid...

5Gs

I bet you thought when the internet companies promised us 5G, it meant surfing would be as fast and effortless as an olympic surfer dude ridin' high off the coast of Hawaii.

Me neither.

They forgot to tell us that the 5 Gs actually stand for…

Get out your cheque book, you owe us 5 Gs

Gonads. That's where we have you by, women included

Grab a comfortable chair waiting for us to answer your call

Granny is having a heart attack and she's on her own

Go to the airport and check your bags, you'll get better service there

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?

Helloooo Newman: What's the Emergency?: Is life going too well for you? Are you too happy? Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment,...

What's the Emergency?

Is life going too well for you?

Are you too happy?

Do you feel you should experience more pain and suffering as a contrast to contentment, so you can compare the two and feel even happier?

Are your spirits too high?

Maybe you just hate yourself. You should be punished for various peccadillos in your life.

If all these are true for you, then proceed immediately to an emergency room in a Toronto hospital. Like a human mortar and pestle, it will crush you into a fine powder of despair and ennui. No need to see a doctor because you won't anyway.

I spent 12 hours there and I am the better for it, seeing the other side of hope and humane treatment.

Turns out I was too happy after all.

Glad I could help.

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer

Helloooo Newman: Careless Dog Whisperer:   I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Careless Dog Whisperer

 

I'm not sure who walks this dog, but to allow it to pee on this lawn so often is egregious. 

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel

Helloooo Newman: Air Cancel: This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel. All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelle...

Air Cancel

This Summer Air Canada will temporarily be called Air Cancel.

All passengers will be issued parachutes just in case their flight is cancelled midair.

Tiny bags of 3 almonds are $150. Feel free to eat them while parachuting. If your parachute fails, worry not. You will be provided with a map of all the trampolines in the area that you can safely land on. If you manage a particularly high bounce, you could possibly join another plane that was cancelled, un-cancelled, cancelled, and then un-cancelled just as you reach the apex of your bounce.

Feel free to use the 3 almonds to represent the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost so you can pray your flight isn't suddenly cancelled and your bags don't end up in the closet of an illegal abortion clinic in Sugar Tit, South Carolina.

It is recommended that you wear all your clothes on your body at the same time just in case you never see your suitcase again.

Checking your empty suitcase will cost $300.

The movie on every flight will be Cast Away. Unless it's cancelled.

Enjoy your flight/cancelled flight. We are proud of our cancel culture.

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired: Have you ever been fired? What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder ...

Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Have you ever been fired?

What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder and sprinkle him in the ocean. Even though he wanted a traditional burial.

Still, being fired from that job felt terrible – even though my boss wanted me to climb a 35 foot, unsecured ladder to paint a tiny window no one could see. Risk a permanent head injury? Gosh, can I?

There is one job I can think of where getting fired is the best outcome you can hope for.

Kamikaze pilot.

Failing at this job looks good on a resume because at least you're around to have a resume.

"Hey, what are you doing back here?"

"What? Oh sorry. Got lost. Couldn't find any ships to slam into. Looked everywhere."

"Well, you realize you're fired, right?"

"Oh ya, no problem."

"And you'll never work in this industry again."

"I know. What a shame. But I think I'll be okay. Some re-training. Pound the pavement. I'm feeling pretty positive."

"Pack your stuff and get out of here."

"You took all my stuff just before telling me not to return."

"I really thought this was your calling."

"Me too. Then I thought maybe something else is calling me. Like an office job here on the ground. Or pizza delivery. Something that requires me to be alive."

"You're making a big mistake."

"I guess I'll live to regret it."

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses. No soliciting. Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hook...

No Hookers

I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses.

No soliciting.

Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hookers showing up at my house? So the neighbours can see?

Meet you at Harvey's on Jarvis.

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas: I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

High on Gas

I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life: Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix. Not sure where I get these ...

Ideal Life

Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix.

Not sure where I get these dumb ideas.

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging: This is the important difference when you age: At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run. At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and ...

Raging on Aging

This is the important difference when you age:

At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run.

At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and then have the runs.

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...: Remarkable news out of China. Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals...

Remarkable news out of China.

Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals. A couple of them.

It's an amazing coincidence. Scientists have been searching for alien signals for decades, but as soon as the Chinese telescope is turned on, presto. We can't shut the aliens up.

Their first message to mankind, according to Chinese officials?

"Take us to your leader. Oh, and Taiwan belongs to China"

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand: Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness. And food is the opposit...

Shrink and Expand

Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness.

And food is the opposite. More food expands your body, and yet it shrinks your clothes. And your self-esteem.

So life is a bit like laundry. Shrink and expand. Men shrink their underwear, and expand their manhood.

The universe expanded in the Big Bang. And it might shrink again to, say, the size of a man's penis when it's dunked in a bucket of ice.

Neat.

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?: Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you s...

Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you smoke. 

As well, when you exhale smoke, the smoke will magically form another warning, only to be blown away in the wind.

Because if people only knew that smoking was bad for them, they would stop immediately.

Smoking is bad for you! Especially while eating KFC and drinking beer.

Helloooo Newman: New Show

Helloooo Newman: New Show: I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander ...

New Show

I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander the earth dead broke.

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump: Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.

Forest Lump

Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?: In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared t...

French Toast?

In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared to previous decades. 

Furthermore, 9 French words were said without a proper French accent. And 6 French words were used to deride the French language. 

They noted that saying "french toast" does not qualify as speaking French.

If this continues, the French language could suffer a loss of speakers and perhaps disappear within 2,000 years.

The government concludes they might have to force people to speak French.

Helloooo Newman: Johnre

Helloooo Newman: Johnre: You know what's fun? Go to a party where you don't know anybody, tell them you're a musician named John, and you've invented...

Johnre

You know what's fun? Go to a party where you don't know anybody, tell them you're a musician named John, and you've invented a new johnre of music.

Really, it's fun.

Helloooo Newman: When I turn 60, which is any minute now, I'm star...

Helloooo Newman: When I turn 60, which is any minute now, I'm star...: When I turn 60, which is any minute now, I'm starting a band called The Fifth Dementia .

When I turn 60, which is any minute now, I'm starting a band called The Fifth Dementia.

Helloooo Newman: My Pillow Pack

Helloooo Newman: My Pillow Pack:   My collection of dog pillows. So lifelike.

My Pillow Pack

 

My collection of dog pillows. So lifelike.

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Helloooo Newman: Shit-Yikes-Yipee: Shit-yikes-yipee. For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance. I'm mixed-emotin...

Shit-Yikes-Yipee

Shit-yikes-yipee.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm going to a house party. With more than 2 people in attendance.

I'm mixed-emoting right now. 🍺😷

Rapid testing. Rapid drinking. Rapid talking. I'm leaning in, from 6 feet away.

Since I'm an Apple user, I downloaded iMmunity.

Swipe left and I'm invincible. Problem is, once it's in my body, the battery only last 2 hours and then I have to plug myself in for 1 hour. Excuse me, is that USB port free?

Hey, can you come here and talk? My cord isn't that long. Those were my first words when I was born.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day and they have this sign that says please keep 6 feet away from other people.

That's easy, I thought. Aren't they all 6 feet under?

Wish me luck.

The Russian Army is Crushing It

Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about bombing maternity wards, killing pregnant women and babies, as well as dying themselves. Add to that having to steal food from the people they're killing. Not a drop of caviar in sight. Oh, forgot the frostbite they are getting, even though this lesson was learned by the Germans back in WW2.

They've come up with an ingenious solution. I wish I had thought of this for a couple of my old bosses.

On tank regiment got a little tired of their boss barking orders at them. "Yes, that baby hospital is a secret military installation - destroy it.". Well, they didn't want to hear that, so they ran over his legs with the tank. So far no new orders from this boss.

Russian commanders that are run over by tanks are now part of the Crushian army.

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It

Helloooo Newman: The Russian Army is Crushing It: Seems like Russian soldiers aren't too happy about killing pregnant women and babies, bombing maternity wards, as well as dying themselv...

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Shade-a on Jada

Helloooo Newman: Throwing Shade-a on Jada: Personally, I think G.I. Jada has a nice ring to it, and with the extra money Chris Rock is making at his concerts, he should produce the m...

Throwing Shade-a on Jada

Personally, I think G.I. Jada has a nice ring to it, and with the extra money Chris Rock is making at his concerts, he should produce the movie. 

Jada – the real Jada – would have to audition, of course. No freebies for such privileged movie stars.

I suppose Will could be the evil drill Sergeant. He's already passed his audition.

Oh, come on. It's a G.I. Jada joke.

Women's Movement

In an effort to advance the Women's Movement boldly into the future, one enlightened female celebrity commented that what Will Smith did was great because "that's what a man is supposed to do for his woman."

Helloooo Newman: Women's Movement

Helloooo Newman: Women's Movement: In a statement that advances the Women's Movement boldly into the future, one enlightened female celebrity commented that what Will Smit...

Helloooo Newman: Daycare Digs

Helloooo Newman: Daycare Digs: Gonna book myself into Ontario's $10 daycare. Can't live for less than that. Just have to convince someone I'm a toddler, which ...

Daycare Digs

Gonna book myself into Ontario's $10 daycare. Can't live for less than that. Just have to convince someone I'm a toddler, which has never been a problem.

Water into Wine

Since the advent of global warming, ice wine will now be called melted water wine.

Helloooo Newman: A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors

Helloooo Newman: A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors: The overlooked tragedy of the Oscar slap heard 'round the world is that Will Smith won for best actor.

A Slap in the Face to All Great Actors

The overlooked tragedy of the Oscar slap heard 'round the world is that Will Smith won for best actor.

Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping:   How much?

Window Shopping

 

How much?

Helloooo Newman: Beer Brain

Helloooo Newman: Beer Brain: Well, it's official. Scientists say that drinking any amount of alcohol is bad for the human brain. No exceptions, like if you're Ei...

Beer Brain

Well, it's official. Scientists say that drinking any amount of alcohol is bad for the human brain. No exceptions, like if you're Einstein or Carrot Top.

What they missed is that it's really awesome for the human mind.

And that's really the point, isn't it?

Politics as Usual

 

Ukrainian MP inviting Putin to come get her

Canadian PM inviting photographers to snap his skinny pants

(which totally went out, like, last year)

Helloooo Newman: Politics as Usual

Helloooo Newman: Politics as Usual:   Ukrainian MP inviting Putin to come get her Canadian PM inviting photographers to snap his skinny pants

Helloooo Newman: A Churchillian Moment in History

Helloooo Newman: A Churchillian Moment in History:  

A Churchillian Moment in History

 

Aren't your hands cold? Mine are.

Helloooo Newman: Over 64 Billion Not Sold

Helloooo Newman: Over 64 Billion Not Sold: The gloves are off. No McDonalds in Russia anymore. Pewtin can scratch that off the list of things he wants.

Over 64 Billion Not Sold

The gloves are off. No McDonalds in Russia anymore. Pewtin can scratch that off the list of things he wants.

Helloooo Newman: These Days

Helloooo Newman: These Days: I'm so glad Spring is close at hand. And the pandemic seems to be waning. Except for the hint of an impending global thermonuclear war, ...

These Days

I'm so glad Spring is close at hand. And the pandemic seems to be waning.

Except for the hint of an impending global thermonuclear war, things are looking up.

Oh, and the UN climate committee has told us that it's basically too late for humanity and we won't survive climate change. But we should keep trying to prevent it, anyway. Take our minds off extinction.

Some good news. My doctor no longer asks me to cut down on my drinking. Turns out drinking a lot is still healthier than nuclear war or extinction.

I'm kind of hoping someone gives Putin a piece of paper and he divides it in two. On the left side he lists the benefits of starting a nuclear war and on the right side the costs.

Here's my list:

Benefits:

Costs:

Everything

I've also been reading a lot about happiness. How to achieve it. Different scenarios that you might face and how to use your thinking powers to find the happiness in them. How to take a nothing day and certainly make it all seem worth while.

In flipping through my happiness book, I can't find anything on handling global thermonuclear war. That sure is an oversight. I think they need an appendix or something. Normally the appendix is useless, especially in humans, but not in this case.

Another funny thing I've noticed. How true some of those bad old clichés are. Remember the cold war phrase "better dead than red". Stupid, shallow, meaningless. Except that's the choice Ukraine is facing every day. They'd rather fight and die than live under Putin's puffy bobble head regime. Me too.

Evil empire. That's what Reagan called the Soviet Union. And we all laughed. What a bonehead. Doesn't understand history. Shallow. Except Putin is sending Russian protesters to the front lines to die in his war. To rebuild the Soviet Union. That meets my definition of the "E" word.

Ho hum, back to building my underground shelter.

Helloooo Newman: Stinging Sensation

Helloooo Newman: Stinging Sensation: Soooooo. Sting was right all along in his geopolitical analysis back in 1985. "I hope the Russians love their children too."

Stinging Sensation

Soooooo.

Sting was right all along in his geopolitical analysis back in 1985.

"I hope the Russians love their children too."

Helloooo Newman: Regime

Helloooo Newman: Regime: Oh good grief. Another regime the Americans will have to change. Busy, busy, busy.

Regime

Oh good grief. Another regime the Americans will have to change. Busy, busy, busy.

Helloooo Newman: Embargo

Helloooo Newman: Embargo: You never hear the word embargo anymore. It was huge in the 70s. Remember the oil embargo? Okay, neither do I. Anyway, it's time to plac...

Embargo

You never hear the word embargo anymore. It was huge in the 70s. Remember the oil embargo? Okay, neither do I.

Anyway, it's time to place an embargo on all Russian products. Including their porn. It sucks. Lousy lighting, everyone's drunk. From what I've heard, anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Butt Dial

Helloooo Newman: Butt Dial: I use to butt dial people back when it wasn't cool. Back when I had a rotary phone.

Butt Dial

I use to butt dial people back when it wasn't cool. Back when I had a rotary phone.

Helloooo Newman: Sold Out of Gazpacho

Helloooo Newman: Sold Out of Gazpacho: No. I'm not going to write any gazpacho jokes. No Gestapo jokes either. Same for Marjorie Taylor Greene jokes. Why would I write a joke ...

Sold Out of Gazpacho

No. I'm not going to write any gazpacho jokes.

No Gestapo jokes either.

Same for Marjorie Taylor Greene jokes. Why would I write a joke about her when she is a joke?

This is one of those incidents that has all the humour it will ever have baked right into it. It's a complete, all-inclusive funny package that will outlive humanity. To write a joke about it sullies its purity as comedy. There is absolutely no joke that can overcome the brilliance of "gazpacho police". 

If you think you're a brilliant comedian because you came up with a clever joke about "gazpacho police", you aren't. You are boring and trite. Go back to sleep.

Please. I urge you. Leave it alone. Let it do its good work in the universe. This comedy gold deserves our silence and respect.

Helloooo Newman: Outside the Box

Helloooo Newman: Outside the Box: Aren't you sick of the phrase think outside the box ? Everyone says it, convinced that they're the first ones to think of it and it&...

Outside the Box

Aren't you sick of the phrase think outside the box? Everyone says it, convinced that they're the first ones to think of it and it's premium creative advice. Read LinkedIn for two minutes and 500 people tell you to do it.

Hey, what should I do for my next blog?

Uh, try thinking outside the box.

Thank you, Shakespeare. I will.

It's a cliché. It's the paragon of clichés. The apotheosis. Yet so jejune.

"Paragon", "apotheosis" and "jejune" are mysterious creative words I found in a box, and took them out for this blog.

Think about it. We're employing a cliché to urge someone to be creative and original. We're actually still trapped in the box. The box is a package from Amazon – covered in duct tape and impossible to open.

Some people, in an attempt to break out of this box, will introduce a clever, yet very tired, twist to the cliché. Imagine you have a storage company where people can store their shit. But it's a unique storage company, like no other. Their tag line – think outside the storage unit.

Hey, I see what you did there. Very creative. Sign me up. I have some special shit to store at your special company.

Maybe no one can really think outside the box. Maybe it's like a Russian Doll. Think outside one doll and you're instantly trapped in another doll. It's dolls all the way up.

So what should replace think outside the box?

Well, I would have to think outside of it to answer that, wouldn't I?

Helloooo Newman: Fund Times in Canada

Helloooo Newman: Fund Times in Canada: To support the truckers, I gave to gofuckyourselfnotme. Donated a crypto currency called bytemecoin. Hope it helps.

Fund Times in Canada

To support the truckers, I gave to gofuckyourselfnotme. Donated a crypto currency
called bytemecoin.

Hope it helps.

Helloooo Newman: Defined

Helloooo Newman: Defined: I don't want to define myself by my past trauma so today I decided I wouldn't be defined by the dictionary.

Defined

I don't want to define myself by my past trauma so as a first step I decided I wouldn't be defined by the dictionary.

Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy

Helloooo Newman: Not Anti, Just Antsy: Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it. They are antsy-vaccine. Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being a...

Not Anti, Just Antsy

Some people aren't against vaccines. They're just afraid to get it.

They are antsy-vaccine.

Pretty convenient, isn't it? Being against something without being against it. Just like our finest politicians.

Then we have the truckers who, again, aren't against vaccines, they just don't want to be told what to do.

We can treat them like 4-year-olds. Convince them it was their idea to get the shot.

No, Billy, you can't have that shot. Not a chance. Okay, I'm against it, but if you insist. You gonna eat that donut?

What about the anti-syringe group? We'll have to wait for a pill. Or put the vaccine in cigarettes. Because they care what they put in their bodies. 

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head

Helloooo Newman: Trucked in the Head: Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.

Trucked in the Head

Well, that's it! Not looking to truckers anymore for advice on how to lead a smart life.

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead

Helloooo Newman: A Dime from the Dead: I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…" The current superstit...

A Dime from the Dead

I usually bow out of a conversation when someone starts it with, "You know, I'm not superstitious, but…"

The current superstition making the rounds (Facebook, where I gain all my scientific knowledge) has us believe that finding a dime on the ground is a "hello" from the dead.

I'm dead serious. Wondering what your dead relatives are up to? Collecting pocket change. Not on a street corner, thankfully. Hey, can you play Death Metal on that harp?

Look, I hate to impose logic on an emotional state of being, but…COME ON.

If dead people have the power to sprinkle money around, why only a dime? Jesus, with inflation it should at least be a quarter. What about a dime in cryptocurrency? Can they leave that? Why not help me pay my mortgage, dead person? I have to live in a house – you get a free cloud.

If dollar amount is ever a reflection of love, this is it. You have this glorious power to make money appear and it's a lousy dime. Ya, miss you too. See you in Heaven, cheapskate.

Here's my promise to you. When I'm dead, you'll be finding fifty dollar bills on your way to the grocery store. Make it a C-note if you say nice things about me.

Make it a nice cool "G". Why do I care? I don't need it. I get money anytime I want.

Or do I need an Angel investor?

Helloooo Newman: Meatloaf for Dinner

Helloooo Newman: Meatloaf for Dinner: Another "win" for the anti-vaxxers.

Meatloaf for Dinner

Another "win" for the anti-vaxxers.

Helloooo Newman: Risk-Averse

Helloooo Newman: Risk-Averse: The BC government admits that it can't eliminate all risk in the world. A startling admission, since I sit in my house waiting for the g...

Risk-Averse

The BC government admits that it can't eliminate all risk in the world. A startling admission, since I sit in my house waiting for the government to make the world completely safe to be in.

Ontarians are still waiting for that zero risk.

Also, if you see me on the street with puke on my shirt, it means I just listened to Justin Trudeau speak.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure: A group of doctors has concluded that we should all stop drinking alcohol completely because even one drop is bad for the heart. All other d...

Beer Pressure

A group of doctors has concluded that we should all stop drinking alcohol completely because even one drop is bad for the heart.

All other doctors are trying to figure out if this group is serious or if they're practicing some kind of weird standup routine.

Helloooo Newman: People

Helloooo Newman: People: Scientists have discovered that similar to Ontario restaurants, Doug Ford's IQ operates at 50% capacity. Djokovic is suing the Australia...

People

Scientists have discovered that similar to Ontario restaurants, Doug Ford's IQ operates at 50% capacity.

Djokovic is suing the Australian government for 3.5 million pounds. For that kind of money, they might as well have kept him locked up for 20 years.

Helloooo Newman: Counting

Helloooo Newman: Counting: I have a step counter. Where's my shovel counter?

Counting

I have a step counter. Where's my shovel counter?

Helloooo Newman: The Kellogg Cartel

Helloooo Newman: The Kellogg Cartel: Yesterday I was just hanging out, not doing much at all and I began to wonder. What's new in Mexico? Well, I read up on it. A few weeks ...

The Kellogg Cartel

Yesterday I was just hanging out, not doing much at all and I began to wonder. What's new in Mexico?

Well, I read up on it.

A few weeks ago an elite team of highly trained Mexican soldiers (Seal Team Dos Equis?) actually raided a slew of corner stores across their great nation, in search of…Kellogg's cereal.

Banana clips a'blazin', the supermen in black seized thousands of offending Kellogg's Corn Flakes cereal boxes. The crime? Illegal cartoon images that encourage kids to eat more sugar.

Being rational and level-headed, I assumed Mexico had tamed its famed drug cartels and is moving on to the cereal cartels. 

I can imagine the new shows. El Cap'n Crunch. Narcos: Frosted Mini Wheats. Traffic – Jam and Toast. Breaking Bran.

Could sugar be a gateway drug? From tooth cavities to nasal cavities makes a lot of sense.

I don't know. Which is better for little Johnny? Eating a little sugar and hanging from the monkey bars, or growing up and hanging off a bridge from his ankles, minus his head? It's a subtle distinction, I know.

Also, who the hell came up with Nutter Butter? Is that a real thing? Do people put that in their…mouths?

Linkedin Fun

I had some fun on Linkedin last week.

I set up a profile and called myself the Pope. Even added his photo, although it might be the Pope from anytime in the last 50 years. They all looks the same.

Then I viewed a ton of other profiles and right now they're thinking, hey, the Pope viewed my profile. Am I in trouble?

Fun, right?

Helloooo Newman: Linkedin Fun

Helloooo Newman: Linkedin Fun: I had some fun on Linkedin last week. I set up a profile and called myself the Pope.  Then I viewed a ton of other profiles and right now th...

Helloooo Newman: WD-40 Years Old

Helloooo Newman: WD-40 Years Old: It's a weird coincidence that when I turned 40, my joints started to get stiff and hurt. And WD-40 actually helped. Is that what the 40 ...

WD-40 Years Old

It's a weird coincidence that when I turned 40, my joints started to get stiff and hurt. And WD-40 actually helped. Is that what the 40 means?

Helloooo Newman: Money from Old People

Helloooo Newman: Money from Old People: Yesterday my mom gave me some money. Keep these truths in mind when old people give you money. You have to thank them twice. First when you ...

Money from Old People

Yesterday my mom gave me some money.

Keep these truths in mind when old people give you money.

You have to thank them twice. First when you receive the money, and again in about 1-2 weeks.

The second thank you must be much bigger than the first thank you. Think sending a balloongram or skywriting THANK YOU FOR THE MONEY with a small plane above where they live so they can see it out their window. Something they will remember.

Definitely thank them twice. Second time BIG thank you.

They've forgotten, so it doesn't hurt to maybe thank them a third time about 3 days after the second thank you.

Come to think of it, a fourth thank you, as a follow-up to the third and second thank you, which followed-up the first thank you, works well about 1.5 days after the third thank you.

Since you're in thank you mode, you might as well go for a fifth thank you 8 hours after the fourth thank you.………………

The sixth thank you should arrive an hour after the fifth thank you.

All subsequent thank you's are in person because you are going to move in with them and thank them every few minutes.

Personally I wouldn't thank them less than a second apart. That's a bit much.

Thank you for reading.

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, thus making the ga...

Tennis, Anyone?

In a surprise move, the Australian Tennis Open has decided to make the tennis court the size of Novak Djokovic's ego, rendering the game much easier to play. Children of all ages, including Novak, are invited to participate.

Whoever can knock the ball out of the continent-sized court, wins.

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative

Helloooo Newman: Positively Negative: Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Positively Negative

Someone told me today it's negative 20 outside and I told them to stop being so negative

Helloooo Newman: Statistics

Helloooo Newman: Statistics:  I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Statistics

 I don't believe in statistics because 9 out of 10 times they're wrong.

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes

Helloooo Newman: Rapid Testes: Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian governm...

Rapid Testes

Of course after being told all through Christmas not to trust rapid tests and as an alternative, stop living, naturally the Canadian government distributes 140 million of them. And the best time to distribute them? After everyone gets Omicron.

Go ahead, grab your government by the rapid testes

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35

Helloooo Newman: Fuck You Up 35: I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for...

Fuck You Up 35

I was so relieved to hear that Canada might buy the super-advanced, highly intelligent and very American F35 fighter plane (the F stands for Fuck you up). It's invisible to radar so they're having trouble finding it. The $100 million per plane is not invisible and when you look in your wallet, you'll see some money missing.

It will come in handy when Ontario calls in the army to fight the virus. Since the virus is everywhere, the precision guided missiles will have no trouble finding the enemy.

Was that Doug Ford's house?

Oops.

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster

Helloooo Newman: Courting Disaster: I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Courting Disaster

I'm on repeats of Court Cam. It's not good.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology

Helloooo Newman: Universal Apology: The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed an...

Universal Apology

The universe officially apologizes for taking Betty White so early. In light of this mistake, the rules for reincarnation will be changed and Betty White will be reincarnated as Betty White…the baby.