Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Helloooo Newman: Congratulations. You've Been Fired: Have you ever been fired? What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder ...

Congratulations. You've Been Fired

Have you ever been fired?

What an unpleasant feeling. I had one job where I hated my boss so much, I wanted to grind him into a fine powder and sprinkle him in the ocean. Even though he wanted a traditional burial.

Still, being fired from that job felt terrible – even though my boss wanted me to climb a 35 foot, unsecured ladder to paint a tiny window no one could see. Risk a permanent head injury? Gosh, can I?

There is one job I can think of where getting fired is the best outcome you can hope for.

Kamikaze pilot.

Failing at this job looks good on a resume because at least you're around to have a resume.

"Hey, what are you doing back here?"

"What? Oh sorry. Got lost. Couldn't find any ships to slam into. Looked everywhere."

"Well, you realize you're fired, right?"

"Oh ya, no problem."

"And you'll never work in this industry again."

"I know. What a shame. But I think I'll be okay. Some re-training. Pound the pavement. I'm feeling pretty positive."

"Pack your stuff and get out of here."

"You took all my stuff just before telling me not to return."

"I really thought this was your calling."

"Me too. Then I thought maybe something else is calling me. Like an office job here on the ground. Or pizza delivery. Something that requires me to be alive."

"You're making a big mistake."

"I guess I'll live to regret it."

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers

Helloooo Newman: No Hookers: I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses. No soliciting. Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hook...

No Hookers

I don't understand those signs on the front doors of houses.

No soliciting.

Well, that's an obvious burger. You think I want my hookers showing up at my house? So the neighbours can see?

Meet you at Harvey's on Jarvis.

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas

Helloooo Newman: High on Gas: I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

High on Gas

I sold some gas and it went for higher than asking.

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life

Helloooo Newman: Ideal Life: Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix. Not sure where I get these ...

Ideal Life

Today I was thinking just maybe there's more to life than working and then coming home and watching Netflix.

Not sure where I get these dumb ideas.

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging

Helloooo Newman: Raging on Aging: This is the important difference when you age: At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run. At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and ...

Raging on Aging

This is the important difference when you age:

At 20 and having lunch at KFC, I could eat and run.

At 60 and having lunch at KFC, I eat and then have the runs.

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...

Helloooo Newman: Remarkable news out of China.Their brand new radio...: Remarkable news out of China. Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals...

Remarkable news out of China.

Their brand new radio telescope, which they point out is the biggest in the world, has picked up alien signals. A couple of them.

It's an amazing coincidence. Scientists have been searching for alien signals for decades, but as soon as the Chinese telescope is turned on, presto. We can't shut the aliens up.

Their first message to mankind, according to Chinese officials?

"Take us to your leader. Oh, and Taiwan belongs to China"

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand

Helloooo Newman: Shrink and Expand: Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness. And food is the opposit...

Shrink and Expand

Life's weird. Doctors say that alcohol and drugs shrink your brain. And yet they also expand your consciousness.

And food is the opposite. More food expands your body, and yet it shrinks your clothes. And your self-esteem.

So life is a bit like laundry. Shrink and expand. Men shrink their underwear, and expand their manhood.

The universe expanded in the Big Bang. And it might shrink again to, say, the size of a man's penis when it's dunked in a bucket of ice.

Neat.

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Helloooo Newman: Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?: Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you s...

Did You Know Smoking Was Bad for You?

Apparently not everyone realizes that smoking is bad for you. Canada will now put a warning on each cigarette, only to be burned up as you smoke. 

As well, when you exhale smoke, the smoke will magically form another warning, only to be blown away in the wind.

Because if people only knew that smoking was bad for them, they would stop immediately.

Smoking is bad for you! Especially while eating KFC and drinking beer.

Helloooo Newman: New Show

Helloooo Newman: New Show: I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander ...

New Show

I'm writing a spinoff of The Walking Dead called The Working Dead. It's about all of us zombies who work to survive, only to wander the earth dead broke.

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump

Helloooo Newman: Forest Lump: Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.

Forest Lump

Shit, have to lose that lump called my belly so I can fit into my forest bathing suit.

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?

Helloooo Newman: French Toast?: In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared t...

French Toast?

In a careful study carried out by the Quebec government, it was discovered that Quebecers are speaking 2 less French words a year compared to previous decades. 

Furthermore, 9 French words were said without a proper French accent. And 6 French words were used to deride the French language. 

They noted that saying "french toast" does not qualify as speaking French.

If this continues, the French language could suffer a loss of speakers and perhaps disappear within 2,000 years.

The government concludes they might have to force people to speak French.