Not a Cakewalk by Any Means

I've been practicing my texting while walking – down at the St. Lawrence market, among the hordes.

I'm not a 14-year-old, powder-faced and featureless girl with denim-skin legs so texting while walking does not come naturally.

These days I guess I could become a girl. Easier than texting while walking, probably.

I cannot become an actual 14-year-old. Only in behaviour.

I've met a lot of people at the market. They sure are in a bad mood when I bump into the cane-sweetened, half-baked latte they're holding. Must be work stress. Everyone is so busy these days.

They all just frown at me. It's weird how the cute little sprinkled designs on the whipped cream toppings, a cinnamon smile or chocolate heart, suddenly mimic the frown.

People are so connected…to their special coffees.

It was cold down there this day in March. Oh, how the latte-lovers wished Lululemon made actual winter clothing. A hopeless hope, though. Wear it they wouldn't. Hiding their low fat thighs is not an option.

That glorious continental divide. The gap no orthodontist would dare change.

You, Miss, in the back. Jen, is it? Ah, Genn. With a sexy, soft "G".

You've won the Thighsman trophy.

This particular Genn accessorized with a Nooka Yogurt watch. A suger-free watch.

Sorry, got distracted, just like when I text while walking…

I don't understand. I can chew gum while texting. I can walk and chew gum.

I can chew gum, walk on the spot and text. And if it's bubble gum, I can even blow a bubble large enough to cover my wrinkled forehead.

I can text and walk the walk, walk the talk, talk the walk, talk the talk and guest host a talk show, figuratively speaking.

I can text, chew gum and talk your head off. Who am I kidding. I'm no chatty Hardie.

Like Rob Ford, or Larry Miller (the PC doofus who told niqab-wearing women to stay where they are), I can text while sticking my head up my ass.

Don't try it. Lousy reception. Try going up your colon and you'll get roaming fees as well.

But texting while walking? Different animal altogether.

As for texting and sexing?

None of your beeswax.