Helloooo Newman: Dwell in the House of the Lord

Helloooo Newman: Dwell in the House of the Lord: With the price of housing so high, God has decided to sell his "House of the Lord", make a tidy profit and invest in the market. ...

Dwell in the House of the Lord

With the price of housing so high, God has decided to sell his "House of the Lord", make a tidy profit and invest in the market.

Asked if He was aware that foreign buyers are artificially inflating house prices, He said, "I'm use to foreigners. There are a ton of them in Heaven. I just want the best price I can get."

God plans to rent a very reasonably-priced studio above a Popeye's Chicken and call it Den of the Mighty Dude.

His money will be invested in the Cuddling Industry. See http://capcuddlers.org/

Helloooo Newman: Jowl Face

Helloooo Newman: Jowl Face: The airlines called me today and told me my ever-expanding jowls will be treated as carry-on luggage from here on.

Jowl Face

The airlines called me today and told me my ever-expanding jowls will be treated as carry-on luggage from here on.

Helloooo Newman: Neurotransmitters

Helloooo Newman: Neurotransmitters: Doctors discovered yesterday, using a state-of-the-art functional MRI, that all my neurotransmitters have been replaced with caffeine.

Neurotransmitters

Doctors discovered yesterday, using a state-of-the-art functional MRI, that all my neurotransmitters have been replaced with caffeine.

Helloooo Newman: Sarah

Helloooo Newman: Sarah: Probably the girlfriend I was attached to the most was Sarah Tonin. I was always happy when she was around and depressed when she went away,...

Sarah

Probably the girlfriend I was attached to the most was Sarah Tonin. I was always happy when she was around and depressed when she went away, like on a business trip or something.

Helloooo Newman: Learn more from your failures

Helloooo Newman: Learn more from your failures: Boy do I despise the phrase, "You learn more from your failures than from your successes." Hey Life, I've learned enough, th...

Learn more from your failures

Boy do I despise the phrase, "You learn more from your failures than from your successes."

Hey Life, I've learned enough, thanks. Time for a little success.

I know I won't learn quite as much, but I'll be okay. Really, I will. The download bar on my brain is at full anyway.

How do you know the other guy that got that job doesn't have more to learn than me? Shouldn't we sit in a room together and do some kind of a test?

Tell you what. Give me some success and I'll sign up for a few online courses so I keep learning. I'll take some DIY shit, a couple of cooking classes, maybe become a Class A Mechanic.

Deal? I'm ready for some success now, thank you.

Maybe get Amazon to deliver it. One day delivery, please. I'll pay for it.

Helloooo Newman: It's Not About the Money

Helloooo Newman: It's Not About the Money: When you consult a lawyer to sue someone for money, the first and most important statement your lawyer teaches you to say, as you would teac...

It's Not About the Money

When you consult a lawyer to sue someone for money, the first and most important statement your lawyer teaches you to say, as you would teach a monkey to ride a tricycle, is, "It's not about the money." And the more money asked for, the more it's not about the money.

Take the Winklevoss brothers, for example. They sued Mark Zuckerberg for stealing their idea for Facebook, even though they didn't call it Facebook, certainly didn't have the vision to monetize it to a $69 billion dollar company, and have funny names.

I guess you can tell I have no sympathy for the Winklevosses. I don't. Mostly because they didn't have the balls to say it was exactly and only about the money.

Winklevoss: It's not about the money. But since we're on the topic of money, we want $200 million instead of $100 million.

I would have liked to hear them say, "You fucked us up the ass, this thing is a huge success and you are rich, and we want some of that money, because we want to be rich like everyone else wants to be."

People are rarely honest when it comes to money. It's too crass. Makes you look like an ass.

Well, I'm going to change that. The other day I received a Starbucks coffee that was not quite hot enough. I spilled it on my leg and it was cool! Can you believe that?

I'm suing for $2.05, and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "IT'S ABOUT THE MONEY!"

I might even raise it to $3.

Because it's about the money.

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol and Dog Owners

Helloooo Newman: Alcohol and Dog Owners: Researchers have determined that no amount of alcohol is safe. In an important addendum, they point out that it's still okay to break a ...

Alcohol and Dog Owners

Researchers have determined that no amount of alcohol is safe. In an important addendum, they point out that it's still okay to break a champagne bottle against a new ship, because a ship isn't a person, and the ship doesn't drink the alcohol anyway, and if it did, ships have different digestion systems than humans.

So don't worry about new ships.



Yesterday a dog went shopping and locked his owner in a hot car. The owner died. The dog was not charged. The owner should have known better.

Helloooo Newman: The New Thursdays

Helloooo Newman: The New Thursdays: During the summer, I think of Thursdays as pre-Fridays. That means when I drink on Thursdays, I'm pre-drinking for Friday.

The New Thursdays

During the summer, I think of Thursdays as pre-Fridays.

That means when I drink on Thursdays, I'm pre-drinking for Friday.

Helloooo Newman: Election Erection

Helloooo Newman: Election Erection: I'm not getting my normal pre-election erection. The choices are blehgh. We clearly have a Wynne/Lose situation. People are really N...

Election Erection

I'm not getting my normal pre-election erection. The choices are blehgh.

We clearly have a Wynne/Lose situation.

People are really NDPeed off.

And no one wants a neo con man running things.

Vote for your favourite emoji.

Vote for Tim Bit

Helloooo Newman: The deMeanors

Helloooo Newman: The deMeanors: Petty thief and single mom Miss deMeanor was caught yesterday for the 57th time, stealing Ho Hos from a Publix. The court proceedings resu...

The deMeanors

Petty thief and single mom Miss deMeanor was caught yesterday for the 57th time, stealing Ho Hos from a Publix.

The court proceedings resulted in another wrist slap from the judge. deMeanor argued she was just trying to feed her children.

Little did everyone know, including the judge, that her two sons, Felony and Rap Sheet, were doing life for murdering their estranged father.

Helloooo Newman: Financial Health

Helloooo Newman: Financial Health: Here's me lifting some real weight I got an email from my bank asking me, "How is your financial health?" "Fucking...

Financial Health

Here's me lifting some real weight

I got an email from my bank asking me, "How is your financial health?"

"Fucking fantastic", I answered.

Every week I load up my VISA with debt and deadlift it for a few hours. I'm bleeding monetary muscle.

Every since I've gotten off my assets, my arrears are looking better than ever.

Helloooo Newman: Timmies Bathroom

Helloooo Newman: Timmies Bathroom: I was in a Tim Hortons the other day. There was a sign reading: Washrooms out of order - please go on floor

Timmies Bathroom

I was in a Tim Hortons the other day. There was a sign reading:

Washrooms out of order - please go on floor

Helloooo Newman: Royal Wedding

Helloooo Newman: Royal Wedding: Reminds me of my own wedding at City Hall (sniff, sniff)

Royal Wedding

Reminds me of my own wedding at City Hall (sniff, sniff)

Helloooo Newman: Sadness

Helloooo Newman: Sadness: Look closely at the eyes of all dogs and you'll see behind them a deep sadness. It's a sadness that says, "I wish I knew w...

Sadness

Look closely at the eyes of all dogs and you'll see behind them a deep sadness.

It's a sadness that says, "I wish I knew what the fuck was going on."

Helloooo Newman: Bridge Too Far

Helloooo Newman: Bridge Too Far: I'm the kind of guy that burns his bridges at both ends.

Bridge Too Far

I'm the kind of guy that burns his bridges at both ends.

Helloooo Newman: A Physicist's Morning Routine

Helloooo Newman: A Physicist's Morning Routine: 6:00 a.m. Alarm sounds. Universe is expanding so hard to hear. Sleep in for a Planck length. Move at the speed of sloth. Reach for soap in...

A Physicist's Daily Routine

6:00 a.m. Alarm sounds. Universe is expanding so hard to hear. Sleep in for a Planck length. Move at the speed of sloth.

Reach for soap in shower and slip on dark matter. See new stars, planets and supernova. Note: feel like splitting the maid's atoms.

Hairy legs. Shave with Occam's razor. Fewest cuts possible.

Floss teeth. Stuck, too stringy. Possible proof of String Theory.

Feed cat, in case it's alive. It throws up on my new suit and doesn't throw up.

Disappointing night. Still searching for multiple universes and orgasms.

Kid update: daughter pregnant, son on fentanyl. Entropy increasing rapidly.

Discover more dark energy – coffee.

Need to vote in election. Hope we elect Ron.

Listen to 11th Dimension on car radio.

Expanding universe so late for work again.

Jimmy Dean Sausage for lunch. Passes through me like a trillion neutrinos.

Open mail. Visa bill. Inflation continues unabated.

Boss wants to entangle with me. No gravity between us.

Sexism at work – the fifth force.

Particles accelerate faster than my career.

Adopt the Many-Worlds theory and plan to move to another one.

Helloooo Newman: Election Woes

Helloooo Newman: Election Woes: I've decided I will vote for the candidate whose sign Newman pees on the least. So far they are all pretty soaked.

Election Woes

I've decided I will vote for the candidate whose sign Newman pees on the least. So far they are all pretty soaked.

Helloooo Newman: School Assignment

Helloooo Newman: School Assignment: Did you build a volcano in grade school? Seems like every kid made one but me. In Grade 4 I chose to make a black hole for science class. ...

School Assignment

Did you build a volcano in grade school? Seems like every kid made one but me.

In Grade 4 I chose to make a black hole for science class. It was surprisingly life-like. I really should have received an A+, but the teacher had to enter it to give me a mark and she hasn't been heard from since.

Helloooo Newman: The Second to Last Supper

Helloooo Newman: The Second to Last Supper: Hey, what's up with calling it the Last Supper? There's another supper coming, isn't there? Jesus is coming back – who know...

The Second to Last Supper

Hey, what's up with calling it the Last Supper?

There's another supper coming, isn't there? Jesus is coming back – who knows when – and he's gonna be goddamn hungry.

In keeping with the times, it will be a potluck. And the best news is bring your own water. Jesus will turn it into wine. But only California wine – make America great again!

For those who aren't chosen to attend, watch it on the Food Channel. Guy Fieri hosts.

Helloooo Newman: Local

Helloooo Newman: Local: Today is International Local Day.

Local

Today is International Local Day.

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Daniels

Helloooo Newman: Stormy Daniels: Which politician doesn't sleep around? That's why I think this Trump/Daniels thing is just a storm in a Double-D cup.

Stormy Daniels

Which politician doesn't sleep around?

That's why I think this Trump/Daniels thing is just a storm in a Double-D cup.

Helloooo Newman: Cruise Line

Helloooo Newman: Cruise Line: I'm starting a new cruise line. We only sail relation ships.

Cruise Line

I'm starting a new cruise line. We only sail relation ships.

Helloooo Newman: IKEA's Balls

Helloooo Newman: IKEA's Balls: Have you tried the IKEA meatballs? Pretty good. Assembling them is tricky, and you can't store anything in them, like clothes or book...

IKEA's Balls

Have you tried the IKEA meatballs? Pretty good. Assembling them is tricky, and you can't store anything in them, like clothes or books, but they're tastier than a bed frame. Even when I accidentally swallowed the Allen key they came with, they still satisfied.

Helloooo Newman: Getting Ahead

Helloooo Newman: Getting Ahead: People always say you shouldn't get ahead of yourself. Then they turn around and call someone who's ahead of his or her time a geniu...

Getting Ahead

People always say you shouldn't get ahead of yourself. Then they turn around and call someone who's ahead of his time a genius.

Well?

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: Google Maps: Are you like me? Do you have trouble folding up Google Maps when you're done with it? I mean back to the factory fold. Impossible. ...

Google Maps

Are you like me? Do you have trouble folding up Google Maps when you're done with it?

I mean back to the factory fold. Impossible.

Helloooo Newman: Doggie Show and Tell

Helloooo Newman: Doggie Show and Tell: Many dogs exhibit the behaviour that experts term doggie show and tell . Yes. I just made that term up. But the behaviour is real. ...

Doggie Show and Tell

Many dogs exhibit the behaviour that experts term doggie show and tell.

Yes. I just made that term up. But the behaviour is real.

It looks like this: You walk in the front door of a house. The dog excitedly greets you. Your visit is the best thing that's ever happened to him. That he can remember, anyway.

This moment is so momentous for the dog that he feels the need to go back deep into the house, rustle around for his favourite toy, that he can remember, and bring it back to show you. "Dude, look at this awesome toy. I suggest we celebrate this amazing moment by playing with it together", thinks the dog. Unfortunately, he can't really tell you anything specific about the toy. He is left hoping you realize the urgency of playing with his toy right now. It's a true sign that the dog wants to be friends with you.

And now, I do the same. When a friend comes over, I run to the door and greet him or her very excitedly. I might even pee, depending on who it is. Then I run into the kitchen to fetch my new blender. "Look at this new blender. It has ten speeds. Puree is my favourite." I hope my friend realizes the urgency of playing with my new blender. That's true friendship.

"Hey, look at my new grand piano. Hurry up and look, it's getting heavy."

True friendship.

Helloooo Newman: People I Hired

Helloooo Newman: People I Hired: I hired a guy named Lefty to be my right hand man, a guy named Pinky to keep people under my thumb, and a guy named Armstrong to do all the ...

People I Hired

I hired a guy named Lefty to be my right hand man, a guy named Pinky to keep people under my thumb, and a guy named Armstrong to do all the leg work.

Helloooo Newman: Online Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Online Shopping: I have my feet in two worlds when it comes to shopping. I love the convenience of online shopping. It's over in seconds. No bag-carryi...

Online Shopping

I have my feet in two worlds when it comes to shopping.

I love the convenience of online shopping. It's over in seconds. No bag-carrying. I'm not exhausted by the end of it.

Still, I miss the old-style experience of searching for stuff and lining up to pay.

That's why when I shop online, first I wander around my house for a couple of hours, searching for shit. I don't need to, but it reminds me of the old days. That wonderful tired feeling of successfully finding what I want, even though I know what I want and it isn't in my house.

When it comes time to pay online, I have some friends over to dick around on the computer while I line up behind them, waiting to complete my purchase. My feet get numb. I get really impatient. Then, finally, my friends go home and I get to pay.

Best of both worlds, folks.

Helloooo Newman: Disclosure Agreement

Helloooo Newman: Disclosure Agreement: I slept with a porn star when I was in high school. But instead of paying her to keep quiet, I had to pay her to admit it to my friends, s...

Disclosure Agreement

I slept with a porn star when I was in high school.

But instead of paying her to keep quiet, I had to pay her to admit it to my friends, so I could brag about it. Sex with me so traumatized her that she initially refused to accept that it happened.

I wasn't about to let such a glorious achievement go unnoticed in high school. I forced her to sign a disclosure agreement, so legally she had to tell everyone she met.

That's why I haven't run for President. The secret payment could come out and I would be ruined. But I would still brag about the sex with a porn star part.

Helloooo Newman: Armed and Dangerous

Helloooo Newman: Armed and Dangerous: I love how police describe convicted killers on the loose as armed and dangerous . I was thinking maybe he was armed and looking for a Bri...

Armed and Dangerous

I love how police describe convicted killers on the loose as armed and dangerous.

I was thinking maybe he was armed and looking for a Bridge partner.

Helloooo Newman: Stay Safe

Helloooo Newman: Stay Safe: Scientists have discovered that there are no safe levels of living.

Stay Safe

Scientists have discovered that there are no safe levels of living.

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Addiction

Helloooo Newman: Coffee Addiction: I'm so addicted to coffee that I can't wait to brew it anymore. I just chew a few beans, drink a glass of scalding hot water and pee...

Coffee Addiction

I'm so addicted to coffee that I can't wait to brew it anymore. I just chew a few beans, drink a glass of scalding hot water and pee on the spot.

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Disorder

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Disorder: I have trouble breathing at night when I sleep. It's not sleep apnea, it's that other disorder where my wife is holding a pillow ove...

Sleep Disorder

I have trouble breathing at night when I sleep. It's not sleep apnea, it's that other disorder where my wife is holding a pillow over my head.

Helloooo Newman: Alexa, Meet Ashley

Helloooo Newman: Alexa, Meet Ashley: This Alexa gadget has promise, but it's not quite there for me. Sure, she can turn the lights and tv off, start the air conditionin...

Alexa, Meet Ashley

This Alexa gadget has promise, but it's not quite there for me.

Sure, she can turn the lights and tv off, start the air conditioning, and lock the door.

She's capable of so much more. I suggest a tie-in with Ashley Madison.

Alexa, dim the lights, pour two glasses of red wine, and have my best friend's wife waiting in bed for me. Actually, her name is Alexa too, so you have something in common.

Now that's high-tech.