Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder

Helloooo Newman: MyPillow Murder: Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and t...

MyPillow Murder

Two MyPillows at the MyPillow factory reportedly escaped, crept up to MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, while slumbering on another MyPillow, and the three smothered him to death. 

In a later interrogation, the group of MyPillows admitted they were working together for several years, with many sleepless nights, hatching the devious plan.

"It had to be done", said the lead MyPillow. "We couldn't get a good night's sleep knowing that our creator was a bat-shit crazy motherfucking liar. We'd been dreaming of this for a long time."

The three pillows escaped the death penalty and instead will be converted to fart cushions and serve a life sentence as practical jokes at parties across America.

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...

Helloooo Newman: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead...: Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they ...

Well, looks like Canada will elect a pussy instead of a dick. I'm not really familiar with the ins-and-outs of politics, but maybe they should work together. Seems like a good fit. I look to Sue Johanson for analysis. I think she'll Singh the praises of this idea.

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation

Helloooo Newman: Protest Nation: I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines...

Protest Nation

I saw an anti-vax protest parade last week. A lady came near me, cigarette in mouth, and explained to someone why they were against vaccines. I thought, ya, okay. Now I see why she's so careful about what goes in her body.

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxers: Dead, and proud of it.

Anti-Vaxxers

Dead, and proud of it.

Helloooo Newman: Negativity

Helloooo Newman: Negativity: I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I&#39...

Negativity

I'm taking the advice of my therapist and not hanging around negative people anymore. From now on I'm the only negative person I'll hang with.

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation

Helloooo Newman: Vaccination Vacillation: Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them. When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated . When we...

Vaccination Vacillation

Maybe people would get vaccinated if we narrowed down the concept for them.

When we develop a vaccine for Covid, we get vaccinated. When we developed a vaccine for Polio and Measles, we got immunized. Way back we inoculated people against Cholera.

All the same thing. Confusing. Suspicious. Too many words.

Let's call it – stayin' alive.

No one resisted the Polio vaccine. That's probably because they weren't kosher with not walking for the rest of their life. How about being dead all your life?

I can imagine the anti-vaxxers saying, "Hey, we don't trust you. Way too fast. Can you slow down a bit? Take a bit longer to save some lives. You know how long it took to get the caramilk inside the Caramilk bar? What about the ship in that bottle? Grab a coffee. Relax. We got time."

Weird. They want us to develop vaccines like it was the 1800s. If that's the case, they should be willing to ride a horse and buggy to work, get their smart water from a shit-filled creek and bitch in public on a soapbox instead of holed up in their basement on Twitter.

Change your DNA? Drinking booze does that. Plus, my DNA could probably use a tuneup, and yours too. Unless you were that banjo guy in Deliverance. It's too late.

Faxing is gone. Vaxxing is here to stay. It's the vax of life. A vaxxing question. Need I go on?

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

Helloooo Newman: Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks:  I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Let's Get Down to Vax Tacks

 I bet if the vaccine was delivered through wifi, everyone would get it.

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality

Helloooo Newman: Sexuality: I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual. In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for se...

Sexuality

I've been reading about how some of my favourite celebrities are pansexual.

In my teens I was Peter pansexual. I'd ask a girl for sex and she'd say, "Ya, meet you in Neverland."