It's as if they have some clue as to why they are still alive.
You might as well ask someone why they're so tall.
"Hey, you're 6 feet five. What's your secret?"
"Oh, it's a traditional method in our family. My parents had sex and gave birth to me."
"Hey, you're so thin-boned. What's your secret? Skim milk?"
And we always assume their answer is the right one, because it's their life, so they know.
The know jack shit.
We'll never hear this: "Hey, you're young, short, fat, stupid, drunk and doctors give you 6 months to live. What's your secret?"
"My mom was emotionally distant. Mind you, that was only for the ten years she was in prison. Maybe it's because my parents died when they were 16."
The problem is that people give all kinds of different reasons as to why they live so long.
The stats are clear. If your parents lived a long time, you will too. Unless you're crushed by a garbage truck or poisoned by your spouse (check your coffee).
And we always ask these people nicely. But what we're really asking is, hey, you're old, why aren't you dead yet? You should be dead, you know. You look dead, that's for sure.
I did some research on people who lived to be 100 or more.
One woman put it down to reading a lot. Do Penthouse letters count? What about Twitter feeds?
How does that affect blind people? What about dyslexia? Do they age in reverse?
One woman gave thanks to olive oil – on her food and rubbed on her skin. Ya, but you know what? You look like an overcooked rabbit.
One man thanked his sense of humour.
Oh great. Judging from this blog, I'll be dead tomorrow.
Ruth Gruber, 101, said "look inside your soul and find your tools." Can vodka be a tool? What about atheists, who have no soul? Maybe they can rent some tools.
They never interview normal old people:
Interviewer: Sir, you are 101. What is your secret?
Man: What, sonny?
Interviewer: I SAY, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
Man: I secrete many things, my friend. You'll have to ask the nurses about that.
Interviewer: SEEEEECRET
Man: No, I don't get the Victoria's Secret catalogue anymore. Bad for my heart.
