Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start

Helloooo Newman: Healthy Start: It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly". ...

Healthy Start

It's so reassuring that Trudeau and Ford agree that my 14 hour wait time in the ER is not a definition of "working properly".

I knew in my heart they'd step up.

We might even see some radical thinking, along the lines of beer in grocery stores, a move sure to go down in the anals of Ontario's history.

Why, we might even admit that some kind of private health mechanism isn't evil, even though we already have that to some degree, but shhhhhh, no we don't. (Quebec allows a lot of privater care, but shhhh)

Then we'd be similar to other countries that everyone despises for how they treat their people, like Sweden, Norway, Netherlands, France, Germany, Australia, Switzerland…

Or we could stay aligned with countries like…North Korea.

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing

Helloooo Newman: Loud Firing: With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING. YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Loud Firing

With the "quiet quitting" that's going on, I think it's time for some LOUD FIRING.

YOU'RE FIRED outta do it.

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey

Helloooo Newman: Drinking Grey: In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Drinking Grey

In honour of Lisa LaFlamme, Grey Goose vodka will continue to be called Grey Goose vodka.

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?

Helloooo Newman: Tennis, Anyone?: Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Tennis, Anyone?

Since Novak Djokovic can't make the US Tennis Open, God will attempt to stand in for him. 

Helloooo Newman: Recovering

Helloooo Newman: Recovering: I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Recovering

I'm a recovering exerciser. Joined a zero step program.

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure

Helloooo Newman: Beer Pressure: As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not to...

Beer Pressure

As I get older, I've moved from "beer's cold, I'm sold" to "do you have a nice, light, inoffensive blonde, not too hoppy, pairs well with a chicken wrap and Columbia catalogue clothing, won't give me a headache, a nice light buzz but I won't puke in your washroom?"

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia

Helloooo Newman: Rotting in Russia: While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released,  I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Rodding in Russian Prison

While Dennis Rodman is in Russia pleading to have Brittney Griner released, 

I'm in Russia pleading to have Dennis Rodman locked up.

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny

Helloooo Newman: Life is Funny: Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?" It really can be. Last night I was watching some old Steve Mar...

Life is Funny

Was it Socrates who said, "Life can be funny, don't you think?"

It really can be.

Last night I was watching some old Steve Martin skits.

Really funny.

Then I reviewed some old Seinfeld episodes. The masturbation one. Funny, right? The Elaine dance? Too fucking funny.

Yup. Life can be funny.

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee

Helloooo Newman: Go Away Goatee: Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back? The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you ...

Go Away Goatee

Don't you wonder how the goatee got started way back?

The beard? I understand. You get tired of shaving. In wintery climes it keeps you warm. Left alone, it grows naturally.

But trimming it down to a goatee? Did people get so tired of grooming styles that they had to look to farm animals to spice life up?

Honey, I'm tired of looking at my face.

Me too, sweetie.

I need something different. My imagination for changing my look only extends as far as the fact that I'm surrounded by farm animals.

Perfect, sweetie.

But which animal?

You've always enjoyed spending time with the goats, sweetie. Remember last Friday night?

Great idea.

Or maybe it was the brainchild of some old-time brilliant bank robber who got tired of covering his face with a handkerchief. Due to the heat, of course. Billy goat. The perfect disguise.

Honest, officer. The bank was heisted by a trip of goats with shot guns.

The money's probably been eaten by now.

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot

Helloooo Newman: I Like It — A Lot: If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

I Like It — A Lot

If my teeth look as good as Trudeau's haircut under their new free dental plan, sign me up.

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education

Helloooo Newman: We Don't Need No Education: Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it ...

We Don't Need No Education

Sometimes world events are really confusing to me. There's so much we don't know – and the stuff we read? Who knows how accurate it is? What's their source? Do they have some kind of agenda?

I just wish someone would explain it all to me in simple terms I can digest.

The war in Ukraine is a perfect example. What's really going on? Maybe there's a good reason Russia needs to bomb hospitals, kill children, destroy nuclear plants and threaten nuclear war, as a matter of policy. I don't know.

When I'm lost like this, I like to look to my favourite rock band for information.

That's why, as you can imagine, I was gleeful that Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, finally weighed in on the terrible war over yonder in Eastern Europe.

He's using his concerts to release this valuable insight. To be honest, I didn't read any further than the fact that he supports Russia and Joe Biden is a war criminal.

I don't need more information. If my favourite rock band has an opinion that can be expressed at a concert on a banner, I want to like it. I want to sing to it. I want to know that all those years of devotion to my rock icons have been properly invested for a useful purpose.

The details are irrelevant. As Mr. Waters sings, we don't need no education.

Thank you, Mr. Waters, for finally speaking up.