Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning

Helloooo Newman: Air quality warning: Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage. Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colo...

Air quality warning

Canada just released a 10+ red warning for air quality in my outhouse at the cottage.

Actually it's more like auburn or a deep wine colour. Blood red maybe?

Anyhow, it's not safe to hang out in there. In case you plan to.

Been that way for a while and it ain't climate change.

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news

Helloooo Newman: Explosive news: The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell. Keep in mind this is in addition to the...

Explosive news

The horrible explosive diarrhea running through the US has been linked to lettuce used at Taco Bell.

Keep in mind this is in addition to the normal Taco Bell explosive diarrhea you will get, known in medical circles as "Taco Bell Explosive Diarrhea". Even RFK recognizes this malady.

In other words, your diarrhea gets diarrhea.

Keep in mind – testosterone shots will not prevent it.

The employee manual has been updated, advising not to wash salad in the toilet.

Enjoy your meal.

PS: For this post I didn't check once how diarreea is actually spelled.

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules

Helloooo Newman: New restaurant rules: From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

New restaurant rules

From now on in Toronto sitting on a patio will be called the smoke section and sitting inside will be the non-smoke section.

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party

Helloooo Newman: Pou pou on your party: Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time. Stop it!

Pou pou on your party

Okay, someone in Quebec has burned the poutine big time.

Stop it!

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player

Helloooo Newman: Favourite tennis player: It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova". Sharapova Muchova Anisimova Noskova Alexandrova Bouzkova Pot...

Favourite tennis player

It's interesting that so many tennis player names end with "Ova".

Sharapova

Muchova

Anisimova

Noskova

Alexandrova

Bouzkova

Potapova

Barhacova

By far my favourite is Moveova.

She's great to play doubles with because when the ball comes, she screams "move ova" and does all the work herself.

Then there's Gameova. Don't bother playing her because it's game over for you.

I feel sorry for Leftova. She's never picked to play.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch

Helloooo Newman: Mitch with a stitch: Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Mitch with a stitch

Doctors have revealed that Mitch McConnell's body was actually given to science for study 20 years ago.

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun

Helloooo Newman: Carney get your gun: Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey. Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptl...

Carney get your gun

Mark Carney received the gift of a gun from the President of Turkey.

Fighting the urge to hold up a Tim Hortons with the gun, Carney promptly turned it over to the RCMP.

He also turned over 2 cap guns, 3 potato guns and 5 squirt guns from his childhood. Of course this being Canada, it was a mashed potato gun. Much safer. The squirt guns were loaded.

Helloooo Newman: Can of worms

Helloooo Newman: Can of worms: I wonder if 2 fishermen have ever had a fight in their little boat about something personal and one says, "way to go, now you've op...

Can of worms

I wonder if 2 fishermen have ever had a fight in their little boat about something personal and one says, "way to go, now you've opened a can of worms."

I wonder if they both laughed.

Helloooo Newman: Restraining Taylor

Helloooo Newman: Restraining Taylor: In all likelihood I would have attended Taylor's wedding if not for that restraining order. What a shame. Quite the guest list. Everyone...

Restraining Taylor

In all likelihood I would have attended Taylor's wedding if not for that restraining order.

What a shame. Quite the guest list. Everyone knows I love hanging with shit-faced football players eating bovine off the floor.

But, unfortunately, I've had a restraining order on Taylor for a while now.

Wouldn't leave me alone. Questions, questions, questions. What should I call my next album? What do you think of these shoes?

Anyway, I'm past it.

Waiting patiently for Justin and Katy's invite.

Helloooo Newman: Comedy prize

Helloooo Newman: Comedy prize: Helloooo Newman was up for the Mark Twain prize for American Humor. Unfortunately, Bill Maher just barely beat us. We did win the Shania Twa...

Comedy prize

Helloooo Newman was up for the Mark Twain prize for American Humor.

Unfortunately, Bill Maher just barely beat us.

We did win the Shania Twain prize for blogs that attempt to be funny and fall short by a very large amount.

I keep the award in my laundry basket.

Helloooo Newman: Pussy climate change fuck off!

Helloooo Newman: Pussy climate change fuck off!: Is that all you've got, climate change? .Going outside is like walking through lava? How lame! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm g...

Pussy climate change fuck off!

Is that all you've got, climate change?

.Going outside is like walking through lava?

How lame!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do some roofing for the summer.

I'm gonna become a sauna repairman.

I'm gonna be a pizza oven tester.

I'm gonna have a winter clothing fashion show in July.

Cuz it ain't that hot, sukka!

Pussy climate change fuck off!