Helloooo Newman: Gently used…

Helloooo Newman: Gently used…: I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet. Checking Toys R Us… Oh there it is. Gently used private jet. Word is Doug wants to r...

Gently used…

I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet.

Checking Toys R Us…

Oh there it is. Gently used private jet.

Word is Doug wants to replace the private jet with a private Jet Ski for his cottage.

"At least it has the word jet in it", Doug relayed to his advisors.

"I live on a huge lake and it takes a long time to get around doing business for Ontario. The water wings just don't cut it."

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear: Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when t...

Loud and clear

Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when the free gourmet food he gets on the plane costs $100,000 in the real world.

Unfortunately, pilots had to turn off the noisy engines for Doug to hear Ontarians screaming. He's a terrible lip reader. Mind you, it was 16 million lips.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister of Quebec (Premier, if you insist) has 3 planes at her disposal and no one can figure out why that's okay. Since Quebec's leader is almost always a chauvinist man, some figure it took 3 planes to hold all the mistresses.

Wings down.

Helloooo Newman: Jet

Helloooo Newman: Jet: The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet , has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet. Hoping t...

Jet

The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet, has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet.

Hoping to start his own airline, Mr. ex-CEO promises all service will be in Rotokas, a New Guinea language with a 12 letter alphabet. It's much easier than French and when you translate a lunch of runover chicken in a subway puddle sauce it sounds way more delicious.

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering: An independent Canadian committee paid for by the Liberals has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and eff...

Sloganeering

An independent Canadian committee, paid for by the Liberals, has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and effective slogan than "axe the tax".

Meanwhile, Doug Ford is complaining about the price of food on his new $150 million private jet. "Who's making these sandwiches, Loblaws?"

Wings up!

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…: Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate chan...

10 years until…

Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate change, which will take 10 years to complete.

They are thankful nature presents doom to us in easy-to-digest 10 year packages.

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge: In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down...

Carney knowledge

In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down and begin dating Katy Perry.

Katy Perry's people admit the star isn't quite ready for the onslaught.

Helloooo Newman: Has-been-wanna-be

Helloooo Newman: Has-been-wanna-be: Pierre Poilievre, upon learning the devastating news about the Liberal majority, called Justin Trudeau to check if he knows any has-been pop...

Has-been-wanna-be

Pierre Poilievre, upon learning the devastating news about the Liberal majority, called Justin Trudeau to check if he knows any has-been pop stars he can date.

Helloooo Newman: Liberala Majora

Helloooo Newman: Liberala Majora: The entire population of earth is crossing the floor to join the Canadian Liberal party.

Liberala Majora

The entire population of earth is crossing the floor to join the Canadian Liberal party.

Helloooo Newman: Slam Bondi

Helloooo Newman: Slam Bondi: Pam Bondi is leaving her job to spend more time redacting her kid's sick notes.

Slam Bondi

Pam Bondi is leaving her job to spend more time redacting her kid's sick notes.

Helloooo Newman: Ei-Ei-CEO

Helloooo Newman: Ei-Ei-CEO: Mark Carney, in a bid to bring back wealth to Canada, has declared the new CEO of Air Canada must speak advanced French. Broken English is a...

Ei-Ei-CEO

Mark Carney, in a bid to bring back wealth to Canada, has declared the new CEO of Air Canada must speak advanced French. Broken English is a bonus. Pig Latin is good in a pinch.

Announced while on Old MacDonald's farm, where he was writing a cheque to invest in Canadian back bacon, he also stated the CEO of Toys R Us must speak intermediate gibberish. The ability to conjugal a verb is crucial.

Canada is strong, people!