Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing

Helloooo Newman: A real ass-kissing: In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass. "We're so excited and never knew t...

A real ass-kissing

In a big surprise to Doug Ford, leaders from around the world are now lining up to kiss his ass.

"We're so excited and never knew this was an option" says James Marape, leader of Papua New Guinea.

"We're buying a plane so we can fly to Canada and partake in this exciting activity" says Feleti Teo, leader of Tuvalu.

Doug points out that Donald Trump is first in line.

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care

Helloooo Newman: Universal Justin time care: Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare! The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians. This med...

Universal Justin time care

Thank God for Canadian universal healthcare!

The Canadian gov't will now provide free anti-nausea medication for all Canadians.

This medication is to be used every time Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry appear in the news.

How to use: When you see the sickly pair, say, dancing in a hardware store, take the meds immediately, lie down and stop asking what it all means. It means shit.

Accompany with a stiff drink. Canadian whiskey, of course.

You'll feel suicidal. That should be temporary.

If it's not, you're in a better place. You'll never see them again.

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?

Helloooo Newman: Mitch is a glitch?: Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe. One the...

Mitch is a glitch?

Creationists are having trouble explaining why Mitch McConnell is actually older than 6000 years, the purported age of the universe.

One theory is that Mitch is a forgotten relic from previous universes God created as he practiced to create just the right universe. This one?

Clearly, God does not have his PhD in universe creation. More of a hobby, I would say.

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?

Helloooo Newman: When I'm sixty what?: Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years....

When I'm sixty what?

Science is advancing very quickly on increasing the human life span. There's a real belief we could live hundreds or thousands of years. Perhaps forever.

This is a real dilemma for Paul McCartney, who wants to update his song When I'm Sixty Four. Sir Paul wrote this song when he was 2 weeks old. Incredible.

He's toyed with When I'm 1064 Years Old. Or When I'm Infinity Years Old plus Sixty Four Years Old. In my opinion that doesn't really roll of the tongue very well.

Despite that, he's definitely changing the lines will you still need me, will you still feed me? to will you still need me, I completely understand you probably can't feed me with this inflation thing?

When I'm infinitely old.