Helloooo Newman: Maybe even the margarine

Helloooo Newman: Maybe even the margarine: I hate to bore you with the same old politician story. But, here we go… Did you hear that Mark Carney spent $200,000 on in-flight meals for ...

Maybe even the margarine

I hate to bore you with the same old politician story.

But, here we go…

Did you hear that Mark Carney spent $200,000 on in-flight meals for 3 trips. Which means you and I spent $200,000 for no trips. Did you notice your wallet a bit lighter today?

I'm guessing Tim Hortons wasn't the caterer. They can feed a thousand plane loads of people for $9.99, as long as no one is diabetic. For faster service, use the fly-thru.

I get it. He works hard and it's a big job and I'm not one of those who expects politicians to suck it up and live like a street person because it's only fair. He's negotiating billion dollar deals. He doesn't have to be a "man of the people" all the time. He deserves some accoutrements, even though his French is lousy.

What struck me was the butter. Butter! Not just butter. It's called "luxury" butter. Super expensive butter cups from Normandy, France.

First off, how come we're smothered by the strict Canadian dairy rules that only allow us Canadian butter at $10 an lb while he gets French butter churned by 2 French lasses in lingerie at a $1000 a dollop? What happened to buy Canadian and we're strong?

But even that's not the point. I guess I imagine myself in that position and I would say, "who the fuck ordered the $1000 butter? We're surrounded by food only Kings can dream of and you guessed we need $1000 butter for our potatoes? Toast with Canadian butter on it? Who could survive that?"

"You're fucking fired."

Where's the drinking water from? Probably a passing frozen comet was retrieved by NASA, melted and the 2 billion-year-old luxury water was siphoned to gold chalices.

It's such a small thing. Butter. Who cares? Shut up, Newman. Get your free dental care and go back to sleep.

I think if I were a multi-bulti millionaire who took a temp job to help a country, it would be cool to resist some of those small cravings I have, like $1000 butter cups, and I could always continue with that when I return to my multi-bulti millionaire life.

I guess I want a PM who can put off his craving for $1000 butter, even though I fully understand the need. Just while he's PM. God knows I'd love $1000 butter on my popcorn. But maybe set a tiny example. He has a whole rich life ahead of him after. Canada just slipped into recession. Choose the regular butter.

Maybe even the margarine.

PS: Don't mention the luxury butter to Doug the Slug

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Workfarce

Helloooo Newman: Canadian Workfarce: Tim Hortons, a Canadian success story, has decided it makes sense after all to hire people from the country they live in. Unfortunately, the...

Canadian Workfarce

Tim Hortons, a Canadian success story, has decided it makes sense after all to hire people from the country they live in.

Unfortunately, they will still mine timbits using slave labour from a timbit mine located in the deep forests of Seborga.

Helloooo Newman: Is he pretending to be an Ebyit?

Helloooo Newman: Is he pretending to be an Ebyit?: David Eby, BC Premier and saviour of Canada, has complained that Carney is spending too much time and energy catering to a province that wan...

Is he pretending to be an Ebyit?

David Eby, BC Premier and saviour of Canada, has complained that Carney is spending too much time and energy catering to a province that wants to separate.

That province is Alberta.

Tomorrow, Mr. Eby will have his very own private geography lesson.

Easy-to-understand illustrations and simple words will be used to teach (or perhaps remind) him that Canada has 10 provinces and one of those provinces is called Quebec.

Quebec has wanted to separate since Canadian bacon became a thing. Long before Timbits were the chosen cuisine of any Canadian with a mouth.

Many Prime Ministers have broken bones and torn ligaments genuinely genuflecting and contorting to try and satisfy Quebec's insatiable thirst for their own nation.

They whine more than a Rogers Stadium full of unfed babies and Canada is always there to change their diaper and spoon them poutine.

They've used the notwithstanding clause, which encodes "fuck you Canada, we're doing our own thing", 61 times.

Not a peep from Eby.

Alberta had a few meetings with the Prime Minister.

It's not fair and I suggest that Alberta start crying like a baby to get what it wants. It works in this country.

Mr. Eby, you can cry too.

Helloooo Newman: Spinal President

Helloooo Newman: Spinal President: Confusing the amp in Spinal Tap with Xi Jinping, Donald Trump refers to the President of China as the President that goes to 11.

Spinal President

Confusing the amp in Spinal Tap with Xi Jinping, Donald Trump refers to the President of China as the President that goes to 11.

Helloooo Newman: Ashes to Trashes

Helloooo Newman: Ashes to Trashes: Rudy Giuliani has requested his ashes be sprinkled in the New York sewer system so he can feel at home while he's dead.

Ashes to Trashes

Rudy Giuliani has requested his ashes be sprinkled in the New York sewer system so he can feel at home while he's dead.

Helloooo Newman: Past Leaders

Helloooo Newman: Past Leaders: Let's do a quick check on what past great leaders are doing with their valuable time. Barack Obama Justin Trudeau Keep up the outstandin...

Past Leaders

Let's do a quick check on what past great leaders are doing with their valuable time.

Barack Obama

Justin Trudeau

Keep up the outstanding work, gentlemen. The world needs your expertise!

Helloooo Newman: Googled-out

Helloooo Newman: Googled-out: I'm so sick of a world where I can Google anything I want to know and have the answer in seconds. It's exhausting being so well-info...

Googled-out

I'm so sick of a world where I can Google anything I want to know and have the answer in seconds. It's exhausting being so well-informed.

I want to go back to when I was ignorant of almost everything. 

So at my next party, I'm just gonna say I have no fucking clue what the answer to that is and you shouldn't have any clue either. 

Was the Genghis in Genghis Kahn pronounced with a soft "G" or a hard "G"?

Who fucking cares?

Was it van Ghaaaaaghgha or van Goooooo?

Doesn't matter. It was still stupid to cut your ear off. BTW, Google told me he cut just part of his ear off, not the entire ear.

All this time I was misinformed.

No Google search. Stay uninformed!

Helloooo Newman: Burn after investing

Helloooo Newman: Burn after investing: I'm trying to decide if I should invest in Canada's new sovereign fund or just burn my money to stay warm this cool Spring.

Burn after investing

I'm trying to decide if I should invest in Canada's new sovereign fund or just burn my money to stay warm this cool Spring.

Helloooo Newman: Gently used…

Helloooo Newman: Gently used…: I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet. Checking Toys R Us… Oh there it is. Gently used private jet. Word is Doug wants to r...

Gently used…

I checked Kijiji for Doug's jet. No sign of it yet.

Checking Toys R Us…

Oh there it is. Gently used private jet.

Word is Doug wants to replace the private jet with a private Jet Ski for his cottage.

"At least it has the word jet in it", Doug relayed to his advisors.

"I live on a huge lake and it takes a long time to get around doing business for Ontario. The water wings just don't cut it."

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear

Helloooo Newman: Loud and clear: Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when t...

Loud and clear

Doug the Slug said he hears Ontarians "loud and clear" on what a no-no buying a private plane is for Ontario's finances when the free gourmet food he gets on the plane costs $100,000 in the real world.

Unfortunately, pilots had to turn off the noisy engines for Doug to hear Ontarians screaming. He's a terrible lip reader. Mind you, it was 16 million lips.

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister of Quebec (Premier, if you insist) has 3 planes at her disposal and no one can figure out why that's okay. Since Quebec's leader is almost always a chauvinist man, some figure it took 3 planes to hold all the mistresses.

Wings down.

Helloooo Newman: Jet

Helloooo Newman: Jet: The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet , has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet. Hoping t...

Jet

The soon-to-be ex-CEO of Air Canada, while joyfully singing Paul McCartney's Jet, has offered to buy Doug Ford's used jet.

Hoping to start his own airline, Mr. ex-CEO promises all service will be in Rotokas, a New Guinea language with a 12 letter alphabet. It's much easier than French and when you translate a lunch of runover chicken in a subway puddle sauce it sounds way more delicious.

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering

Helloooo Newman: Sloganeering: An independent Canadian committee paid for by the Liberals has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and eff...

Sloganeering

An independent Canadian committee, paid for by the Liberals, has found that the slogan "elbows up" is a much more meaningful and effective slogan than "axe the tax".

Meanwhile, Doug Ford is complaining about the price of food on his new $150 million private jet. "Who's making these sandwiches, Loblaws?"

Wings up!

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…

Helloooo Newman: 10 years until…: Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate chan...

10 years until…

Scientists remind us it will be 10 years before the next 10 year warning that we only have 10 years left until we are doomed by climate change, which will take 10 years to complete.

They are thankful nature presents doom to us in easy-to-digest 10 year packages.

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge

Helloooo Newman: Carney knowledge: In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down...

Carney knowledge

In light of Mark Carney's spectacular majority government and saviour-like status in Canada, politicians across the globe will step down and begin dating Katy Perry.

Katy Perry's people admit the star isn't quite ready for the onslaught.

Helloooo Newman: Has-been-wanna-be

Helloooo Newman: Has-been-wanna-be: Pierre Poilievre, upon learning the devastating news about the Liberal majority, called Justin Trudeau to check if he knows any has-been pop...

Has-been-wanna-be

Pierre Poilievre, upon learning the devastating news about the Liberal majority, called Justin Trudeau to check if he knows any has-been pop stars he can date.

Helloooo Newman: Liberala Majora

Helloooo Newman: Liberala Majora: The entire population of earth is crossing the floor to join the Canadian Liberal party.

Liberala Majora

The entire population of earth is crossing the floor to join the Canadian Liberal party.

Helloooo Newman: Slam Bondi

Helloooo Newman: Slam Bondi: Pam Bondi is leaving her job to spend more time redacting her kid's sick notes.

Slam Bondi

Pam Bondi is leaving her job to spend more time redacting her kid's sick notes.

Helloooo Newman: Ei-Ei-CEO

Helloooo Newman: Ei-Ei-CEO: Mark Carney, in a bid to bring back wealth to Canada, has declared the new CEO of Air Canada must speak advanced French. Broken English is a...

Ei-Ei-CEO

Mark Carney, in a bid to bring back wealth to Canada, has declared the new CEO of Air Canada must speak advanced French. Broken English is a bonus. Pig Latin is good in a pinch.

Announced while on Old MacDonald's farm, where he was writing a cheque to invest in Canadian back bacon, he also stated the CEO of Toys R Us must speak intermediate gibberish. The ability to conjugal a verb is crucial.

Canada is strong, people!

Helloooo Newman: I speak fun

Helloooo Newman: I speak fun:   The CEO of Air Canada will step down and take on the task of managing the Toys R Us fleet of airplanes, where the only language spoken is ...

I speak fun

 

The CEO of Air Canada will step down and take on the task of managing the Toys R Us fleet of airplanes, where the only language spoken is "Fun".

Helloooo Newman: Avi-normal

Helloooo Newman: Avi-normal: In a quest for fewer votes, the NDP elects Avi Lewis.

Avi-normal

In a quest for fewer votes, the NDP elects Avi Lewis.

Helloooo Newman: Languide languagers

Helloooo Newman: Languide languagers: Terrible tragedy when 2 Canadian pilots are instantly killed in America. Thank God the politicians know how to get to the core of the issue....

Languide languagers

Terrible tragedy when 2 Canadian pilots are instantly killed in America.

Thank God the politicians know how to get to the core of the issue.

Trump: Flying is a dangerous occupation

Carney: The CEO doesn't speak French?

Meanwhile the CEO of Air Canada apologizes…in English. Could he not use Google Translate at least for that?

No word on why Air Canada is the most hated airline in the country.

I think the CEO should be tarmac-ed and feathered.

Helloooo Newman: Canadians are dough-nuts

Helloooo Newman: Canadians are dough-nuts: You might want to include in your summer plans lots of trips to Tim Hortons. They're presenting their Ryan Reynolds maple/insulin glazed...

Canadians are dough-nuts

You might want to include in your summer plans lots of trips to Tim Hortons.

They're presenting their Ryan Reynolds maple/insulin glazed doughnut to the world.

Under $3.

When I heard the exciting news, a glaze came over my eyes.

Nothing says Canada like Tim Hortons.

And doughnuts.

And maple.

And insulin.

And the CBC.

And expensive gas.

And expensive alcohol.

Eggs, butter, cheese, meat, milk, fruits, vegetables, food, insurance, cars, houses, funerals…

Expensive.

Enjoy your summer!

Helloooo Newman: Chuck Norris cheats Death

Helloooo Newman: Chuck Norris cheats Death: Fearing for his life, Death gives Chuck Norris another chance.

Chuck Norris cheats Death

Fearing for his life, Death gives Chuck Norris another chance.

Helloooo Newman: Baby Oscars

Helloooo Newman: Baby Oscars: Campaigning so desperately for the Best Actor Oscar is not Timothée Chalamet's first shot into the heights of stardom. When he was 6, he...

Baby Oscars

Campaigning so desperately for the Best Actor Oscar is not Timothée Chalamet's first shot into the heights of stardom.

When he was 6, he ran a solid campaign to win a lifetime achievement Oscar.

Inexplicably, he lost out to Sidney Poitier.

Good thing because his acceptance speech, written in crayon, was washed out by the rain.

Helloooo Newman: Chalamet dismay

Helloooo Newman: Chalamet dismay: Sadly, Timothée Chalamet has added Helloooo Newman to his list of things that aren't worth keeping alive anymore, along with ballet and...

Chalamet dismay

Sadly, Timothée Chalamet has added Helloooo Newman to his list of things that aren't worth keeping alive anymore, along with ballet and opera.

"Who cares about Helloooo Newman?" he was heard screaming in the bathroom at the Oscars. Kylie Jenner was too busy looking through the coat check for hangers to help secure her boobies to even care what her bubby hubby was saying.

Very upsetting. I've cancelled plans for the ballet Newman chases a Swan, based on Swan Lake with an original score by Beethoven, star of the spectacular movie Beethoven.

Chalamet not survive this scandal.

Helloooo Newman: A clean victory

Helloooo Newman: A clean victory: The parliamentarian janitor crosses the floor to the Liberals to bring them closer to a majority. He also cleaned the floor as he crossed, b...

A clean victory

The parliamentarian janitor crosses the floor to the Liberals to bring them closer to a majority.

He also cleaned the floor as he crossed, but only the Liberal side.

Helloooo Newman: Not just your routine poutine

Helloooo Newman: Not just your routine poutine: In case you have trouble swallowing the "Quebec is a distinct society" line… They seek a special protective geographical status fo...

Not just your routine poutine

In case you have trouble swallowing the "Quebec is a distinct society" line…

They seek a special protective geographical status for the curds they produce, making poutine such a popular and healthy choice the world over.

Think Champagne, France, the drink we all use to wash down our poutinish delicacy.

Think diarrhea, but the best kind, made from Quebec Grade A turds curds.

It's 3 am. Belly full of tequila and gas. Vomit smell wafting from the Harvey's washroom. Limp fries and gravy mixed with the finest curds.

The only thing missing is the eponymous city where these gems are made.

Curd? Curdistan? Home of the Curds?

Possible spokesperson: Vladimir Poutine?

Enjoy!

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks dream order

Helloooo Newman: Starbucks dream order: I don't even like the skinny tall blonde coffee I order at Starbucks. Tastes like liquid subway platform. I just keep hoping one day the...

Starbucks dream order

I don't even like the skinny tall blonde coffee I order at Starbucks. Tastes like liquid subway platform.

I just keep hoping one day they'll screw up my order and give me an actual skinny tall blonde.

No luck so far.

Helloooo Newman: Chin up

Helloooo Newman: Chin up: It's easy to get depressed with the world situation right now, isn't it? So much violence and uncertainty. What keeps me going? Doug...

Chin up

It's easy to get depressed with the world situation right now, isn't it? So much violence and uncertainty.

What keeps me going?

Doug Ford just announced that Ontarians can buy alcohol directly from Nova Scotia. All while sitting on your sofa. 

And on top of that, Toronto is getting a new and exiting convention centre.

It's not remaking the Middle East, but the convention centre will be about the size of the Middle East.

It's bold. It's beautiful. It's Doug the Slug.

Helloooo Newman: Ayatollah-you-so

Helloooo Newman: Ayatollah-you-so: God has just finished a presser, clarifying that just because he decided not to protect the Ayatollah does not mean he supports Trump. Karol...

Ayatollah-you-so

God has just finished a presser, clarifying that just because he decided not to protect the Ayatollah does not mean he supports Trump.

Karoline Leavitt pleaded with God to let her be His spokesperson but God was not happy with the cosmetic surgery and said, "spell Caroline with a "C" like normal people.

Helloooo Newman: State of the Trump

Helloooo Newman: State of the Trump: Advance copy of Trump's State of the Union Speech

State of the Trump

Advance copy of Trump's State of the Union Speech

Helloooo Newman: Comedy is his life

Helloooo Newman: Comedy is his life:   This is Pierre Poilievre in his early days a a standup comedian. He was killing it with his "axe the tax" routine. Some say he...

Comedy is his life

 

This is Pierre Poilievre in his early days a a standup comedian. He was killing it with his "axe the tax" routine.

Some say he's never really left comedy.

Helloooo Newman: The Olympricks

Helloooo Newman: The Olympricks:   Justin Trudeau tears his ACL smiling too much, missing out on a medal. Meanwhile Katy Perry takes the gold in the (my life is going) downh...

The Olympricks

 

Justin Trudeau tears his ACL smiling too much, missing out on a medal.

Meanwhile Katy Perry takes the gold in the (my life is going) downhill skiing.

Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

Helloooo Newman: Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped: ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago. He is currently being water-...

Domestic Terrorist Toddler stopped

ICE has nabbed a domestic terrorist 5-year-old who planned on flying his Fisher-Price airplane into Mar-a-Lago.

He is currently being water-boarded, but with apple juice instead of water. Juice-boarding is now standard practice.

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace

Helloooo Newman: Board of Peace: I ain't joining the Board of Peace But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Board of Peace

I ain't joining the Board of Peace

But I will join the Bored of Piece of Shit

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs

Helloooo Newman: ICE on your eggs: ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to… They had no ID.

ICE on your eggs

ICE seizes at gunpoint the unfertilized eggs of an American woman and deports them to…

They had no ID.

Helloooo Newman: A real softie

Helloooo Newman: A real softie:   In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took ...

A real softie

 

In Davos, Justin Trudeau argues the world needs more soft girlfriends. Or maybe it was soft power. Can't remember, but the world took note.

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines

Helloooo Newman: MAGAzines: Damn! Now I get it. MAGA Short for magazines Dopey dope me

MAGAzines

Damn! Now I get it.

MAGA

Short for magazines

Dopey dope me

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history

Helloooo Newman: The great czars of history: People who know me know I'm a huge history buff. This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a...

The great czars of history

People who know me know I'm a huge history buff.

This week I've been reading a ton about the great czars of history and I compiled a list of the most powerful.

1. Ivan the Terrible
Known as a terrible guy but historians think he had a softer side when he wasn't busy executing people.

2. Catherine the Great
A woman. So Catherine the pretty good. No doubt she was good at being an autocrat but she was a woman, so…Catherine the so so.

3. Nicholas II
He was the last Russian czar and was overthrown so didn't do such a hot job.

4. Toronto's Traffic Czar
This is the greatest and most powerful czar in history. With an iron fist he will crush Toronto traffic. His first proclamation? There's too much traffic and construction in Toronto. Unfortunately, as you can see here, he's stuck in traffic. He's the blue car.

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods

Helloooo Newman: New-to-me foods: One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today -...

New-to-me foods

One of my resolutions is to try new-to-me foods. Everyone says they try "new" foods but if I say, "I tried a new food today - cumquats." Well, that's not a new food, is it? It's not new to the earth.

You think just because you try a new-to-you food it suddenly bursts into existence and everyone should try it too?

New-to-you is the proper term.

Anyway.

I tried to make egg drop soup. I just couldn't figure out what happens after you drop the eggs on the floor. Scooping them up was messy and difficult. And not particularly appetizing. 

Tomorrow, toad in the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum

Helloooo Newman: Katy's conundrum: Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she...

Katy's conundrum

Since dating Justin Trudeau, Katy Perry is complaining her taxes have gone up 1000%, she has to wait 2 days in the emergency room and she's exhausted from so many land acknowledgements.

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire

Helloooo Newman: Ice on fire: Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs.  It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents w...

Ice on fire

Well, it looks like ICE is winning the war against murderous moms in SUVs. 

It's still a toss up who will win. Thousands of ICE agents with automatic weapons or one mom with her car.

If I were a bettin' man…

Helloooo Newman: DNA test

Helloooo Newman: DNA test: Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human. It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo...

DNA test

Got my DNA tested last week. It passed as human.

It said I'm white, male, guilty of all historical crimes and should avoid wearing cargo pants with dress shoes.

Helloooo Newman: Power grab

Helloooo Newman: Power grab: The horror. The horror. If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that? I'd steal their ...

Power grab

The horror. The horror.

If I were POTUS, I wouldn't invade a country and steal their oil. How last century is that?

I'd steal their solar power. No one ever does that.

You know who's the largest producer of solar energy?

China.

Let's invade and take their solar panels. I would ship them to the U.S. via Amazon. Of course I'd ask for next day delivery. But don't leave them on the White House porch. Porch pirates everywhere. We'll store them in the ballroom.

Let's also steal all their batteries. There must be billions of batteries in China.

Let's steal their coal too. You know who's the biggest producer of coal power?

China.

While we're there, let's steal all their MSG. I love that shit. Dip my wings in it.

You know who's the biggest producer of MSG?

China.

Hmmm. Looks like there's lots of solid reasons to invade China.

Lastly, there's bundt cake. I love a good bundt cake. Everyone overlooks bundt cake as a good reason for invasion.

You know who's the biggest producer of bundt cake.

America.

Oh, shit. Okay, can we invade ourselves?