Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What would you do if everything you knew to be true about a certain subject or activity was wrong? The way you were doing it, the basic prem...

Musings and Woes

What would you do if everything you knew to be true about a certain subject or activity was wrong? The way you were doing it, the basic premise and rules, everything! Wrong!

I would say fuck it and keep doing it my old way.





There is a new book out called Year of Yes. It's about a woman who actually said "YES" to everything for one year. A true story. I guess she likes Yes Man with Jim Carrey.

I was thinking of doing the same thing, but I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to it that fully. That's why I'm doing a year of saying "I'm not saying no."

I've got blisters on my eyes

Helloooo Newman: ? Book

Helloooo Newman: ? Book: I have a great idea for a social media service. Revolutionary, really. I've been testing a few different names: Holier-than-thou  ...

? Book

I have a great idea for a social media service. Revolutionary, really.

I've been testing a few different names:



Holier-than-thou BOOK

Your entire life has been lived the wrong way BOOK

You're not worthy BOOK

Do what this article says because I took the time to find it, I posted it and agree with it BOOK (this one might be a bit too long, but needs focus group testing)

Do what I say. I don't do it, but I say it so you should do it BOOK.

There's no truth but my truth BOOK

There's no truth but your truth, which is based on lies BOOK

Stop eating that BOOK

Start eating this BOOK

Look at what I just ate BOOK

Maybe I should read a book BOOK

I'll have another glass of whine BOOK

You are guilty of something BOOK

Chances are you or your ancestors have participated in genocide BOOK

Apologize BOOK

I'm angry BOOK

I don't care if you've survived this long without my advice, you need it now BOOK

Look at that mountain. Have you ever seen a mountain like that? BOOK

Pithy saying.jpg BOOK

Most of my friends don't know who the hell I am BOOK

"Friends" BOOK

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose BOOK (Canadian version)

Read my blog, you'll laugh BOOK (my favourite)




Oh shit. Some guy named Wahlberg, or is it Iceberg? Carlsberg? maybe it's Zuckerberg, already thought of it.

Helloooo Newman: Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night

Helloooo Newman: Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night: Are you gonna boycott the Oscars? This is really pressing on my mind. I'm not sure yet. So many of the films that I adore weren'...

Oscar Wilde and Crazy Night

Are you gonna boycott the Oscars?

This is really pressing on my mind.

I'm not sure yet. So many of the films that I adore weren't nominated, like any of the Three Stooges movies. Plus, I never watch the trashy show, so technically I can't boycott something I never subject myself to.

I wonder if all the poor countries in the world have made their decision on whether to boycott. Maybe we should wait and see what they say. Nothing like an empty stomach and no water to drink to put you in the Oscars mood, only to have it taken away because Hollywood is upset with itself.

I wonder how Chris Rock will handle the controversy. Aren't you just dying to know? He's so clever, and I'm sure his words will reverberate through history and far into the future, changing human nature as we know it. I also wonder if Chris can help me clean my guinea pig cage after the gig.

I was really hoping they would nominate the upcoming project between Woody Allen and Miley Cyrus. I know, it isn't made yet, it's not a movie, and they are both white. But the whole idea seems so fascinating to me. Woody Allen, Miley Cyrus, Donald Trump. Is the universe progressing as it should? I have no idea, but I have my doubts.

The whole race issue is touchy and very complicated, so I really can't cover it properly here.

But I will say something about a far more serious topic.

Why is it called BOYcott? Why not GIRLcott?

It's just not fair.

Helloooo Newman: Is God Dyslexic?

Helloooo Newman: Is God Dyslexic?: Is He? The more and more I think about it, this would explain a lot about our lot in life. Right from the get go, He got things backwards....

Helloooo Newman: Trump Logic in Reverse

Helloooo Newman: Trump Logic in Reverse: Everyone's favourite Donald had some more pearls of wisdom this week. Did you think I meant the duck? No, but close enough. Donald T...

Trump Logic in Reverse

Everyone's favourite Donald had some more pearls of wisdom this week.

Did you think I meant the duck? No, but close enough.

Donald Trump surmised that he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone, presumably dead, and he still wouldn't lose voters.

I suspect he's right, and it would be an interesting test. I wouldn't be surprised if it actually happens.

A far more interesting test, however, would be to reverse this scenario.

What would happen if someone on 5th Avenue shot Mr. Trump. Would he lose voters?

Of course not. In fact, 100% of everybody would love Mr. Trump.

His supporters would love him because he wasn't able to become President, and his detractors would love him because he wasn't able to become President.

Helloooo Newman: The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse

Helloooo Newman: The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse: Well folks, your favourite writer has been diagnosed with a serious malady. I, too, have a serious malady. It's called iPhone power ...

The Diagnosis is Bad. The Prognosis, Worse

Well folks, your favourite writer has been diagnosed with a serious malady.

I, too, have a serious malady.

It's called iPhone power drainage syndrome.

This is the fear that your iPhone will drain itself of power while it's still in use. God forbid it gets to ZERO. That's the endgame. Life at FULL STOP.

As the power drains, so goes my self esteem, my will to live, my identity, my colour and charm. ME.

I have it bad. It kicks in at around 85%. 85%!!!

I'm as surprised as you are. I'm not glued to my iPhone like some nefarious teen, except to communicate when absolutely necessary (my daughter is in jail) or to write some of my world famous blogs.

You'd think this malady would express itself in a much more serious situation, like having an erection or using the remote.

WOW. What a whopper of an erection, but how long will it last? Should I stop thinking about Danny DeVito in a wine-coloured Versace dress with fishnets? Get it over with before it's too late.

Shit, Ice Road Truckers is on and the remote is dying. I'll have to read.

Part of the problem is the little batter icon that Apple includes on your phone. It's constantly telling you the bad news – "Hello Dave, there's a 20% chance your phone will fail in 15 minutes, you loser."

If anything, I could use that little battery icon on my erection. Coloured red, of course. Insert penis, withdraw, check battery icon. Repeat. 30 seconds left. Yaaahhhh, loads of time. Damn handy.

How would I re-power it? The only thing I can think of is the cigarette lighter-shaped charger in the car. Too small!

The prognosis is grim.

"Oh God, I wonder what image he'll use for this blog?"

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Why do youths in Asia want to kill me? I hear all this talk in Canada about Youth-in-Asia and how, when I'm ready to die, they can help ...

Musings and Woes

Why do youths in Asia want to kill me? I hear all this talk in Canada about Youth-in-Asia and how, when I'm ready to die, they can help me "succeed". I'm sorry, but I'll die by my own hands, thank you very much. And it won't be with any help from a bunch of teenagers on crack and liquid nails.

When I'm good and ready, my hands will drive me to the cottage and continually stuff myself with spare rib meat, chicken meat, sausage meat, beef meat, lamb meat, veggie meat, deer meat, beer meat, tree meat, and an assortment of Tofurky deli meats, until my body stops functioning.

Wait a minute – I've done that already. Well, I'll think of something else.

In the meantime, I think the youths in Asia should learn to respect their elders.

hands off the pine box, youths

Helloooo Newman: The Apprenticeship of God

Helloooo Newman: The Apprenticeship of God: Mr. Donald Trump completed his employee performance reviews today. They were mostly positive but, given his fustian manner, he most certai...

The Apprenticeship of God

Mr. Donald Trump completed his employee performance reviews today.

They were mostly positive but, given his fustian manner, he most certainly had some "tips" (known as "threats" in the company) for improvement.

Helloooo Newman got a hold of the review for perhaps his most controversial employee - God.

One can assume that in Mr. Trump's mind, God is doing a fine job overall, or he wouldn't have declared that "I have a really great relationship with God."

In the video he released of God's review, you could feel a very tangible relief on God's face, since He thought a layoff was imminent. God has no form, so you can't actually see Him in the video, but I assume He probably looks similar to His son. Picture the shroud with a smiley face.

God loves working for Mr. Trump, partly because, as Mr. Trump has said, the Bible is his favourite book. He loves both Testaments equally but tends to stick to the New Testament because it's much shorter.

God took it as an oversight that Mr. Trump seemed to be using an 8x10 of Paula Jones, one of Bill Clinton's many lovers, as a Bible bookmark. God also thought, "wow, she's not even that hot."

Beside that book was another book entitled Gods of New York.

Despite these mutually cozy feelings, Mr. Trump had a number of complaints.

God doesn't take instruction well. Mr. Trump specifically told Him to build a "big wall" around Heaven with a "big, shiny door", not a chain link fence with gates. Any old loser can climb the fence and the gates are left open half the time. Until the wall is built, please electrify the fence.

Mr. Trump was happy, however, that the number of Mexicans accepted into Heaven was decreasing, God finally closed the last Taco Bell a week ago, and Mr. Putin had a big spot in Heaven, near the Black Holy See, waiting for him.

In the end, poor God was left with more work to do and less pay. Mr. Trump increased God's fringe benefits. God was now allowed to keep busy overseeing more natural disasters and pandemics as long as they occurred in countries that were stealing jobs from America.

God wondered what Mr. Trump's plans were after being President. He will run the universe, he replied. "I'm really strong with universes. I'll make this universe great again."

God wondered if there was a place for Him in this new universe. Could He, perhaps, run it while Mr. Trump was getting his haircut?

"Well, that depends on where you were born."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I'm burning all my bridges onto a cd. Just in case I burn all my bridges in life. I have a backup. Smart. Copenhagen Harbour Br...

Musings and Woes

I'm burning all my bridges onto a cd.

Just in case I burn all my bridges in life.

I have a backup.

Smart.

Copenhagen Harbour Bridge

Helloooo Newman: Oscar de la Rant

Helloooo Newman: Oscar de la Rant: Another all-white Oscars. Unbelievable. I can't believe, once again, no one who is gluten-free or has Celiac disease was nominated. At...

Oscar de la Rant

Another all-white Oscars. Unbelievable.

I can't believe, once again, no one who is gluten-free or has Celiac disease was nominated. Atrocious.

Did you hear three nominees for best actress DON'T start their day with a bee pollen shake?

Why aren't more movies starring endangered African animals nominated?

Not one nominee this year took xylophone lessons as a kid. What an oversight.

Why wasn't MY favourite movie nominated?

I just may not watch this year.

Helloooo Newman: Chip Off the Old Block

Helloooo Newman: Chip Off the Old Block: I'm always looking for signs of the Almighty in my life. Oh sorry, did you think I meant my wife? I was confused for a minute there to...

Chip Off the Old Block

I'm always looking for signs of the Almighty in my life.

Oh sorry, did you think I meant my wife? I was confused for a minute there too. Yes, I'm completely wary of her wrath as well.

I meant Him, with a capital "H". God. The "First String" guy. The G-string.

Speaking of capital "H", look what I found in a common bag of potato chips…

Not so common. This happens to be the first letter of my last name. Branded into the chip. Clear as the Resurrection. From the Man himself, of course.

I call it "stigmata on a Miss Vickie's". Lightly sprinkled with sea salt too.

Still don't get the sign? What He's saying is I'm a chip off the old block, the old block being the old man in the sky, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Chip of Chips.

I'm so glad it wasn't a Lay's. Blehggew.

The timing was perfect. It arrived in my chip bag at Christmas. Christmas is when I get really depressed, and when my body engorges itself with loads of junk food to compensate. When I saw this glorious chip, well, I couldn’t munch no more. Being so sacred and all.

I’ve been waiting for this sign a long time. I kept checking everything – beer suds, pizza crusts, the ring around my toilet bowl. I knew it could show up anywhere. Appearing on a kettle-cooked treat is just a big, somewhat healthier, bonus from the Big Guy.

Don’t think for a minute I’m not aware of my salty companion's symbolism. Upon the first bite, it snaps in two, then into many smaller pieces, and finally into Miss Vicky’s mulch in your mouth, all representing the transitory and frail nature of being. One minute you are lying on a St. Kitt’s beach and life is going swimmingly when suddenly God snaps your body in two and turns you into a masticated memory via an encroaching tsunami.

I like to imagine Oprah found a similar chip, with a big “O” on it, underneath the pillow of her Fendi Casa sofa, after a particularly rowdy book party. I know, it’s hard to accept that one of her 26 cleaning ladies wouldn’t find it, but keep in mind it was sent by the UPS of the universe.

That chip inspired Oprah to start “O” magazine, as she finally became God’s chief rep here on earth. I will start “H” magazine, gobble up “O” and call it “HO” magazine. HOly magazine? Just an idea.

This is why I must protect my chip. Chip safe. I am safe. Like Nigel’s valued guitar in Spinal Tap, no one can look at my chip, except for this one glorious beholding.

So I’m the G-man’s rep as well. What now? I guess I better start acting the part.

I’ll start by disappearing, not taking any responsibility for what I create, and promising, promising, promising.

The question is, will I give into temptation? Will I eat my tasty portender?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I kept putting money in the bank machine, like a maniac. Deposit after deposit after deposit. Then I stopped, suddenly! Soon after, I we...

Musings and Woes

I kept putting money in the bank machine, like a maniac. Deposit after deposit after deposit.

Then I stopped, suddenly!

Soon after, I went into deposit withdrawal.

Now I'm broke.

Helloooo Newman: Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA

Helloooo Newman: Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA: I'm implementing a new diet and nutrition plan this year. It differs from all other diets in that it uses obfuscation, misdirection a...

Border Security: Empty Stomach, USA

I'm implementing a new diet and nutrition plan this year. It differs from all other diets in that it uses obfuscation, misdirection and outright lying, things that have always worked for me in the past.

It's based on a simple question – how smart is the stomach? Can it be easily fooled? Can I sneak in a little extra fat, maybe a strip of bacon or some chicken popcorn, if it's masked by a heavy onslaught of super-healthy bee pollen, amino 3 fatty acids, the entire alphabet of vitamins and some Go-Gurt? Okay, that's three questions, but aren't they simple?

Under cover fast food. Will the stomach notice the illicit goods? Or will I get away with it calorie-free?

You already know the eating process is like cross-border shopping or arriving at airport customs. There's a big search before the food is allowed to enter the stomach. Will you get caught with the bad stuff?

It goes something like this…

Stomach: Welcome to Empty Stomach, USA. Anything to declare?

Food: Yes we do, officer. We have a skinless, boneless, free range, antibiotic-free, Montessori-schooled chicken breast with plaque-free artichoke hearts beating a very healthy 52 beats/minute, quinoa salad found meditating in the Peruvian mountains and pink Himalayan sea salt dissolved in coconut water.

Stomach: Did you pack this food yourself?

Food: Yahuh.

Stomach: Let's see the meat. What's this? Bacon stuffed in the chicken?

Food: Oh, that's not mine.

Stomach: Wow, I've never heard that before. What's underneath that quinoa? Is that a…no! That's a ding dong.

Food: Um, ding dong the witch is dea…how did that get there?

Stomach: Listen, if it were up to me I would let it all in. I love pork bellies. But I have the brain quoting Wheat Belly to me all day, the blood is under a ton of pressure and the colon…oh, the colon. "See how you feel if I don't give a crap", he says. Colon the kill-joy.

Food: Is there another stomach we can use?

Stomach: Am I a cow? Hey, do you play poker?

Food: Sure I do.

Stomach: I see your hand and raise you a plate of broccoli and snow peas, for lunch tomorrow.

Food: Ohhhh, I get it. Are cream puffs wild?

Stomach: I'm a stomach, not a pussy.

Food: Okay. I see your broccoli/snow peas and raise you a deep fried banana split, on Thursday.

Stomach: Hmmm. Any nuts on it? Maybe the pistachio, the most slimming of all nuts?

Food: Ya. And extra chocolate sauce.

Stomach: Alright. Go on through.

Brain: NOW STOMACH. ARE WE DOING OUR JOB?

Stomach: Brain, brain, brain. The stomach wants what the stomach wants.

Helloooo Newman: Strip Tease

Helloooo Newman: Strip Tease: Oh, to enjoy a good strip tease.

Strip Tease

Oh, to enjoy a good strip tease.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I went to buy batteries and the cashier said I can't buy batteries because they are sold separately. Without batteries I feel even m...

Musings and Woes

I went to buy batteries and the package was empty. It said batteries were sold separately.



Resolution for 2016: Sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I always get the words Pentax and Tampax confused, especially when I'm Christmas shopping. Not surprising, since they have their simi...

Musings and Woes

I always get the words Pentax and Tampax confused, especially when I'm Christmas shopping. Not surprising, since they have their similarities as products. Pentax (the camera) soaks up the light to make a picture, and Tampax, well, you get it.

Which came first? I figure Pentax did. Unless the maker of Pentax loved the word Tampax and told his marketing department to find a similar word that won't get them sued. Or was it a nod to the intricate technology that both products share? Both do come with a telephoto lens, after all.

I thought of a product that combines the two words. Pamtax. It's a camera that snaps at you for five days out of the month.

The older models come with hot flashes.

I love the quiet, relaxed family time around Christmas. It's the perfect time to binge-watch. Still, I'm conflicted on the benefits of binge-watching. Do I really want to watch four seasons of a great show in one night, and then take a week to recover before I regain the ability to speak so I can discuss it with friends? That's like going to Morton's Steak House, paying $200 for dinner and finishing it in ten minutes. That dinner just cost me $20 per minute.

I want to put a piece of steak in my mouth and chew on it for a bit. Same with an episode of Homeland. Could you pass the terrorist cell? I'm not done with it yet.

I guess that's why we put "binge" only in front of questionable activities. No one is ever accused of binge-reading, binge-flossing, binge-meditating or binge-rectal exams.

Do people binge-blog? Get some sleep.

Helloooo Newman: Now I'm Even More Confused

Helloooo Newman: Now I'm Even More Confused: I'll be honest. I don't know if God actually exists. Not in the sense that I know black mould exists on the floor of my shower, and ...

Now I'm Even More Confused

I'll be honest. I don't know if God actually exists. Not in the sense that I know black mould exists on the floor of my shower, and I should really clean it every few months.

This means that religion, to me, is the sales and marketing team for selling the idea that He actually does exist.

Well, He needs to bang some heads on the sales and marketing team. They suck.

On the subway, one of His marketing campaigns says that, "God made you for the pleasure of knowing you."

That makes me feel like He made me for His pleasure alone. Kind of like when I was a kid at camp I made a soap stone carving of a polar bear. I felt good about it and it was neat to hold and look at.

If God really made me like that, why does He put conditions on my existence? Why do I need to love Him? Why do I need to be good?

I didn't expect my carving to love me. It was my decision to make it. And if I was unhappy with the way my carving turned out, who should I blame? The carving? That doesn't make much sense.

I should throw the carving in the lake and start on a new carving until I'm happy with it. Maybe take a carving course. Start with something simpler that has no legs, like a baby seal.

So what's with the Bible, a huge set of conditions that He places on me? Do this, don't do that, this makes me angry, that pleases me.

Shouldn't it be the other way around? The conditions should be on Him, not me. Hey man, you screwed up when you made me. What's with the nagging? Start again if you're so unhappy.

Free will? That was your decision. If my soap stone polar bear came alive and ate me, could I really blame him? He's a polar bear for goodness sake.

I think it's time God admitted His mistake and started again.

Sure, there will be lots of unemployed sales and marketing people, but ISIS is always looking for smart PR professionals.

Helloooo Newman: The Grinch who Stole Turkey

Helloooo Newman: The Grinch who Stole Turkey: Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means to stuff myself more and more And snore.

The Grinch who Stole Turkey

Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means to stuff myself more and more

And snore.

Helloooo Newman: Starflix

Helloooo Newman: Starflix: I binge-watched the stars last night.

Starflix

I binge-watched the stars last night.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: What exactly is the dark web? I heard ISIS uses it but I don't understand. How can you search for things if it's dark? Why don&#...

Musings and Woes

What exactly is the dark web? I heard ISIS uses it but I don't understand. How can you search for things if it's dark? Why don't they do some online shopping and buy some search lights?

Yesterday I took some oil of oregano in pill form to stop my cold. I smelled like a walking spaghetti sauce. In Loblaws I was attacked by a box of penne and received a huge al dente on my noodle. I sued but didn't receive a single penne for my injuries. For a while I suffered emotional damage but now I've learned to live in the present, not the pasta.

I was in Chapters xmas shopping and an employee actually called out if anyone was on line facilitation. She asked me if I wanted to join the line. I explained to her that I'm not a joiner and could I start my own line? She said yes as long as my line starts at the end of the official line. Everyone after me wanted to join the first line instead of mine so I never made it to the cash. What joiners.



PS: I lied. Last blog was not my last. Sorry.

Helloooo Newman: Whew

Helloooo Newman: Whew: Whew, made it through another year. I'm not sure about that last post. Was it a post too far? Should I pull back? Sensor or censure my...

Whew

Whew, made it through another year.

I'm not sure about that last post. Was it a post too far? Should I pull back? Sensor or censure myself?

These are the issues I deal with every day as a writer who is read by tens of people around the globe. A special thank you to my readers in mental hospitals (it's hard logging on in a straitjacket) and on other planets.

Speaking of planets, scientists just found evidence of a "Super-Earth" nearby, if you call 14 light years away "nearby". This may be my next target for growing readership. However, I refuse to do press junkets there,

Hey, I know I'll never write for the New Yorker, but I certainly don't want to write for a publication called the New Yucker.

And you know what they say – one person asking for a dislike button means there's 10-20 people behind them wanting the same thing. And that encompasses my entire readership. So…

…Amy must come down. At this stage I don't think she needs the publicity anyway.

I hope everyone has a great holiday. Newman needs a break. Maybe we'll see you in '16.

Helloooo Newman: Proof of God?

Helloooo Newman: Proof of God?: I was at the used MAC store today. I won't say why because someone I know will be very embarrassed. I was wondering about the Apple Ca...

Proof of God?

I was at the used MAC store today. I won't say why because someone I know will be very embarrassed.

I was wondering about the Apple Care warranty. Would it cover a used computer?

NO. The shiney Apple man explained to me that the standard Apple Care warranty does not cover used stuff, accidents or acts of God?

Acts of God? Is that written right in the warranty? Which Psalm is that?

Well, I couldn't leave that alone.

I told him I am agnostic. Does that affect the warranty?

He was uncertain. Just like me! Then he offered me a free di-agnostic.

The results of the di-agnostic: I was a lapsed Catholic and could not be fixed. An act of God? Interesting question.

I went whole hog. I absolutely do not believe on God. He said if I can prove there is no God, Apple will fix my computer even if I stick it in the washing machine for a cycle. Hmmmm. Proof? Toughie.

I wasn't done. What if the damage falls under the Act of God clause, but a few weeks later we discover there actually is no God?

No. Because Steve Jobs is God. Or His replacement, anyway.

What if there are several Gods and they get in an argument? One God decides he wants to cause damage to my computer, but the other Gods didn't give their stamp of approval for this deliberate action. Am I covered?

He said all arguments between Gods are handled in God Court. These proceedings are secret. Sorry. All Mighty convenient for them.

Are you telling me God can deliberately break my computer? Doesn't that make Him a mean God? Shouldn't you cover the computer to discourage God from misbehaving?

"Sir, we've decided to sell our store to a Chipotle franshise. Please leave."

Helloooo Newman: rAIRified

Helloooo Newman: rAIRified: Today I just finished celebrating the fact that we can now buy Smart Water. (see below) I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look...

rAIRified

Today I just finished celebrating the fact that we can now buy Smart Water. (see below)

I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look forward to in this bleak world. Well, yippee ki-yay, mofo! I just learned that you can buy fresh air in a can. (see below)

I breathed a fresh sigh of relief. Let the celebrations continue.

I wasn't at all happy with my last supplier of canned air. I don't think it was pure fresh air – it tasted like they aired it down with air from old car tires. Cheaters!

Listen, I too had my doubts. In case you suspect that this canned air isn't top quality, here is a picture of it…








See? That's quality air!

If you notice, no artificial flavours, colours, or added sugar. This is not air from some mechanical assembly line. It's from the mountains.

This is no ordinAIRy air. This is air extraordinAIRe! The Champagne of air. Bubbly air.

I know it's hard to believe, but read the studies. Four out of five people across the globe who breath air regularly prefer this canned air to old fashioned free air.


Just ask pregnant women. They are clamouring to use it as a substitute for breast feeding. You only need a special adaptor to transfer the air from the can to the breast. Watch for over-inflation of the breast. Sure, your husband will appreciate it, but there are dangers.

I interviewed the founders of this new and exciting product and I was suitably impressed. These guys have a real head for air. So I was dumbfounded when they recoiled from being called fresh air heads. Don't turn down compliments is my motto.

I know, you are wondering how I like my air. When I'm at parties, I like to open the can and breath it nice and slowly, take a few breaths, put it down, chat some, have some more breaths. It's so satisfying and helps me to think of all kinds of interesting topics to discuss. I find that with this fresh air, my memory has improved so much that my Google searches for mundane facts are down 35%.

In the summer I'll pour it into a glass and add ice cubes. Very refreshing. It also makes a great mixer.

I'm getting my friends in on it too. One time, as a practical joke, I shook my friend's can of air really hard without telling him. He opened it and air got all over his face and clothes. He was so pissed with me. But still, he's hooked.

Maybe I'm overdoing it a bit. I had a bad doctor's appointment last week. He said, "Paul, cut down on the canned air, will ya! You're starting to retain air." Oh no, is it showing? Do I have obese lungs?

I had one suggestion for the owners, which excited them a lot. Why not add a few recipe ideas on the can? I'm not always sure of the best way to add air to my favourite meals.

Also, it's a bit pricey. Can I use my air miles, I asked? No. That's polluted air.

They also have very exciting expansion plans. By next year they hope to can wind (two choices: hurricane and soft breeze), sunshine, air from Donald Trump's lungs, the entire Mesolithic era and a typical Sunday afternoon on Uranus.

Truth be told, I'm still a little uncertain if canned air is the way to go, but I'm gonna air on the safe side. What will you breathe?

Helloooo Newman: The Marathon Dentist

Helloooo Newman: The Marathon Dentist: We talked movies before the cleaning. Her favourite movie: Marathon Man Favourite Actor: Dustin Hoffman Favourite Scene: The dentist&#...

The Marathon Dentist

We talked movies before the cleaning.

Her favourite movie: Marathon Man

Favourite Actor: Dustin Hoffman

Favourite Scene: The dentist's chair, torture scene

Does my dentist vaguely look like Laurence Olivier? But she's a she. Is the fear making me hallucinate?

It had been six years since I'd seen a dentist. She told me the tartar buildup was so massive that seafood restaurants across North America would bid for me to be their sole tartar sauce supplier.

It began. The cleaning.

Three hours later…I decided she wasn't cleaning my teeth, she was chiseling them into a bust. Given the pain, I assumed a bust of Donald Trump, presented to him for his Inaugural address. My mouth will be transported to Mount Rushmore and glued in place beside the great Presidents.

Yes, Mr. Trump will be President, and the U.S. will develop a giant, decaying cavity for four years (maybe eight?). Afterwards the country will need a root canal and braces to straighten out the damage.

Or, was it torture? NSA-style. What was I to confess? Please, I am not a terrorist. The closest I've come to bombing is delivering a failing humourous speech at my Toastmasters club.

I confess, I've done some bad things. I put a recycled item in the garbage bin once. It won't happen again.

The constant rinsing. With that endless hose. At some point it stopped being rinsing and became water boarding. Can't swallow, sweet death approaching. I was willing to talk, but couldn't with water, various hoses, cotton, fear and a sharp instrument all lodged in my mouth.

Soon, Stockholm Syndrome set in. I began to love my torturer. I love you. I felt it. The giver and taker awayer of pain. What could I do to stop the pain? To show my love. I offered to father her children. She hesitated. No. They would be born with teeth like mine. Bad teeth genes.

She pumped me so full of flouride I could taste it in my tears of pain. My eyes will be cavity-free.

The ending. She was right. Tartarless, I was five pounds lighter.

I got the bill. I fell out of love.

I hate Laurence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas in July

Helloooo Newman: Christmas in July: Christmas was on the horizon and I stumbled upon a lady who was hanging her Christmas lights. It was one of those strange early November ...

Christmas in July

Christmas was on the horizon and I stumbled upon a lady who was hanging her Christmas lights.

It was one of those strange early November days with the temp around 60 degrees (about 15 Celsius), thanks to global warming, aka climate change, aka Al Gore's multi-million dollar nest egg. I'm big on climate change because I live in Canada and look forward to palm trees and piña coladas in my backyard instead of polar caps and shivering knee caps.

"I'm hanging my lights today because it's so warm out", said the light-hanging lady. "I'm afraid it will get cold very soon."

The above quote lacks the woman's tone – unsaid was, "It's good to get this crappy chore out of the way so I can get on with Christmas."

Hmmmm. Should all chores be thought of as "chores", things to get out of the way? Some chores can be more fun than others. I think it's fair to say – hanging xmas lights is a festive chore, scrubbing the porta potty is a fetid chore.

If you're going to hang your lights so early because it's warm out, the obvious question becomes, why don't you hang them in July? Maybe during a heat wave. Throw on the Lulu's with a screwdriver belt, grab a beer, get some sun.

Christmas in July sounds even better. I'm sure the neighbours won't notice you're dragging a pine tree into your living room wearing a speedo and flip flops. Oops, looks like a tiny pine cone got wedged in your suit. That's so cute.

Or snuggling a baby Jesus in the Nativity scene, only to have His plastic baby face dissolve from too much Agent Orange on your "green" lawn. Elephant Baby Jesus – "I am not an animal. I am a baby. I am Jesus."

Neighbours hear "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" winding its way up your chimney. I guess their air conditioning is broken, they think.

Christmas songs get summer-ized. "Burgers roasting on a open fire. Melanoma nipping at your nose."

I'm not only saying early November is too early for xmas lights, let alone for playing xmas music. I hope we all agree on that.

I think it was Edison who said, upon perfecting the light bulb, "Listen folks, I know this is a nifty gadget, but don't go loco on the xmas light until December, capiche?"


I'm also saying that some chores are attached to a larger activity that really only make sense doing at a certain time. Isn't the fun of xmas, at least in Canada and the Northern U.S., to bundle up, hot coco, hang the lights, maybe cut your own tree down.


Conversation #1:
Bob: Hi Jim. I was wondering why you were kissing my wife in July and then I saw the mistletoe. What's with the batman costume?

Jim: We're gonna do Halloween tonight. Too cold and rainy in October.

Bob: Ah. And your lawyer is here because?

Jim: Finalizing my divorce

Bob: Sorry to hear you're having trouble.

Jim: We're not. It's just in case and he was in the neighbourhood.

Conversation #2
Patient: Hey Doc, you're a great surgeon but my G.P. told me my liver is missing.

Surgeon: Ya. I removed it.

Patient: Wasn't I in for a kidney stone?

Surgeon: Let me ask you something. You're a big drinker, right? Down the road you'll probably get cirrhosis of the liver. I was in there anyway, so… You know, two birds, one kidney stone. Ha!

The New Bible:
In the beginning, God didn't create the heaven and the earth, because it was too cold out. He waited for a nice warm day. Then there was light, and He saw a beach and hung out at the beach bar for days 5-7.

Let me put it another way. Just because it's a convenient time to perform an activity, doesn't mean it always makes sense to do it.

When I was young I had an erection 24/7. Whoa, another hard on? Can't let that go to waste. 24/7 erections doesn't mean 24/7 sex. First off, back then no girls would come near me. Second off, I would need a 5-6 minute rest in between 24 hour intervals anyway.

It's a bit like phone sex replacing real sex.

Wife: Honey, that was terrible. It totally felt like you phoned that in.

Husband: I did.

Wife: Next time a letter will do.

Timing is everything.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Here are some things that have occurred to me in the last little while… I'm terrified of skydiving, or the idea of it. I thought it w...