I was so depressed. I have nothing else to look forward to in this bleak world. Well, yippee ki-yay, mofo! I just learned that you can buy fresh air in a can. (see below)
I breathed a fresh sigh of relief. Let the celebrations continue.
I wasn't at all happy with my last supplier of canned air. I don't think it was pure fresh air – it tasted like they aired it down with air from old car tires. Cheaters!
Listen, I too had my doubts. In case you suspect that this canned air isn't top quality, here is a picture of it…
See? That's quality air!
If you notice, no artificial flavours, colours, or added sugar. This is not air from some mechanical assembly line. It's from the mountains.
This is no ordinAIRy air. This is air extraordinAIRe! The Champagne of air. Bubbly air.
I know it's hard to believe, but read the studies. Four out of five people across the globe who breath air regularly prefer this canned air to old fashioned free air.
Just ask pregnant women. They are clamouring to use it as a substitute for breast feeding. You only need a special adaptor to transfer the air from the can to the breast. Watch for over-inflation of the breast. Sure, your husband will appreciate it, but there are dangers.
I interviewed the founders of this new and exciting product and I was suitably impressed. These guys have a real head for air. So I was dumbfounded when they recoiled from being called fresh air heads. Don't turn down compliments is my motto.
I know, you are wondering how I like my air. When I'm at parties, I like to open the can and breath it nice and slowly, take a few breaths, put it down, chat some, have some more breaths. It's so satisfying and helps me to think of all kinds of interesting topics to discuss. I find that with this fresh air, my memory has improved so much that my Google searches for mundane facts are down 35%.
In the summer I'll pour it into a glass and add ice cubes. Very refreshing. It also makes a great mixer.
I'm getting my friends in on it too. One time, as a practical joke, I shook my friend's can of air really hard without telling him. He opened it and air got all over his face and clothes. He was so pissed with me. But still, he's hooked.
Maybe I'm overdoing it a bit. I had a bad doctor's appointment last week. He said, "Paul, cut down on the canned air, will ya! You're starting to retain air." Oh no, is it showing? Do I have obese lungs?
I had one suggestion for the owners, which excited them a lot. Why not add a few recipe ideas on the can? I'm not always sure of the best way to add air to my favourite meals.
Also, it's a bit pricey. Can I use my air miles, I asked? No. That's polluted air.
They also have very exciting expansion plans. By next year they hope to can wind (two choices: hurricane and soft breeze), sunshine, air from Donald Trump's lungs, the entire Mesolithic era and a typical Sunday afternoon on Uranus.
Truth be told, I'm still a little uncertain if canned air is the way to go, but I'm gonna air on the safe side. What will you breathe?
