It was one of those strange early November days with the temp around 60 degrees (about 15 Celsius), thanks to global warming, aka climate change, aka Al Gore's multi-million dollar nest egg. I'm big on climate change because I live in Canada and look forward to palm trees and piña coladas in my backyard instead of polar caps and shivering knee caps.
"I'm hanging my lights today because it's so warm out", said the light-hanging lady. "I'm afraid it will get cold very soon."
The above quote lacks the woman's tone – unsaid was, "It's good to get this crappy chore out of the way so I can get on with Christmas."
Hmmmm. Should all chores be thought of as "chores", things to get out of the way? Some chores can be more fun than others. I think it's fair to say – hanging xmas lights is a festive chore, scrubbing the porta potty is a fetid chore.
If you're going to hang your lights so early because it's warm out, the obvious question becomes, why don't you hang them in July? Maybe during a heat wave. Throw on the Lulu's with a screwdriver belt, grab a beer, get some sun.
Christmas in July sounds even better. I'm sure the neighbours won't notice you're dragging a pine tree into your living room wearing a speedo and flip flops. Oops, looks like a tiny pine cone got wedged in your suit. That's so cute.
Or snuggling a baby Jesus in the Nativity scene, only to have His plastic baby face dissolve from too much Agent Orange on your "green" lawn. Elephant Baby Jesus – "I am not an animal. I am a baby. I am Jesus."
Neighbours hear "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" winding its way up your chimney. I guess their air conditioning is broken, they think.
Christmas songs get summer-ized. "Burgers roasting on a open fire. Melanoma nipping at your nose."
I'm not only saying early November is too early for xmas lights, let alone for playing xmas music. I hope we all agree on that.
I think it was Edison who said, upon perfecting the light bulb, "Listen folks, I know this is a nifty gadget, but don't go loco on the xmas light until December, capiche?"
I'm also saying that some chores are attached to a larger activity that really only make sense doing at a certain time. Isn't the fun of xmas, at least in Canada and the Northern U.S., to bundle up, hot coco, hang the lights, maybe cut your own tree down.
Conversation #1:
Bob: Hi Jim. I was wondering why you were kissing my wife in July and then I saw the mistletoe. What's with the batman costume?
Jim: We're gonna do Halloween tonight. Too cold and rainy in October.
Bob: Ah. And your lawyer is here because?
Jim: Finalizing my divorce
Bob: Sorry to hear you're having trouble.
Jim: We're not. It's just in case and he was in the neighbourhood.
Conversation #2
Patient: Hey Doc, you're a great surgeon but my G.P. told me my liver is missing.
Surgeon: Ya. I removed it.
Patient: Wasn't I in for a kidney stone?
Surgeon: Let me ask you something. You're a big drinker, right? Down the road you'll probably get cirrhosis of the liver. I was in there anyway, so… You know, two birds, one kidney stone. Ha!
The New Bible:
In the beginning, God didn't create the heaven and the earth, because it was too cold out. He waited for a nice warm day. Then there was light, and He saw a beach and hung out at the beach bar for days 5-7.
Let me put it another way. Just because it's a convenient time to perform an activity, doesn't mean it always makes sense to do it.
When I was young I had an erection 24/7. Whoa, another hard on? Can't let that go to waste. 24/7 erections doesn't mean 24/7 sex. First off, back then no girls would come near me. Second off, I would need a 5-6 minute rest in between 24 hour intervals anyway.
It's a bit like phone sex replacing real sex.
Wife: Honey, that was terrible. It totally felt like you phoned that in.
Husband: I did.
Wife: Next time a letter will do.
Timing is everything.
