Helloooo Newman: Alphabet Soup

Helloooo Newman: Alphabet Soup: Next year I'm gonna eat less sugar and more of my own words.

Alphabet Soup

Next year I'm gonna eat less sugar and more of my own words.

Helloooo Newman: Two Thousand and Funnyteen

Helloooo Newman: Two Thousand and Funnyteen: Milton Berle said, "Laughter is an instant vacation." We hope you've enjoyed collecting your frequent laughter points a...

Two Thousand and Funnyteen

Milton Berle said, "Laughter is an instant vacation."

We hope you've enjoyed collecting your frequent laughter points at Helloooo Newman. Keep them as long as you want and trade them in anytime – to go anywhere – in your mind.

As a dedicated Helloooo Newman reader, you have questions. Things like:

1. Will Helloooo Newman be funnier next year? 
Yes. We have some tough comedy numbers to meet. Laughter will increase by 37%. If it doesn't, get your money back. From somewhere. Try the Dollar Store. They give refunds all the time.

2. Will Helloooo Newman be more educational next year?
You bet. Your brain size will increase by 0.00003%. Doesn't seem like much, but if your brain expands too much, it presses against your skull, you develop a brain edema, and you die. We are always on the lookout for this, and that's why Helloooo Newman never gets TOO smart.

3. Will Helloooo Newman be more intellectual?
Now, THAT'S funny.

We've already focus-grouped several new blogs and the results were nothing short of…stunning.

We randomly tested individuals from various groups:

Rats: They closely mimic the human response to humour. None of the rats laughed, but all were cancer-free two weeks after reading.

Insurance Adjusters: 86% of insurance adjusters laughed so hard they quit their job, left their families, sold everything and tend bar at comedy clubs across North America. We at Helloooo Newman wouldn't have sold everything, but what great results, no?

The final group, a random collection of people who play sports involving the lifting of heavy, round objects (bowling, curling, shot put), varied in their response. One person laughed so hard that her appendix burst (even though she carried it around in a jar). A championship bowler went insane with laughter and now hunts wild game in the Outback using gynecological instruments.

Get ready, readers. At Helloooo Newman, next year is Two Thousand and Funnyteen.

Helloooo Newman: Mannequin Challenge

Helloooo Newman: Mannequin Challenge: The winners of this year's mannequin challenge.

Mannequin Challenge

The winners of this year's MANnequin challenge.

Helloooo Newman: Sexercise

Helloooo Newman: Sexercise: I'm definitely getting more sexercise next year. I was thinking of joining a club, but it's actually more fun on my own thes...

Sexercise

I'm definitely getting more sexercise next year.

I was thinking of joining a club, but it's actually more fun on my own these days, plus I have all the equipment.

Combined with helpful online video instruction, I'll be getting my pump on like never before.

Watch out.

Helloooo Newman: Foul Sign Language

Helloooo Newman: Foul Sign Language: I just found out my sign language teacher has Tourettes. That explains all the fights with the hard-of-hearing I've been having ...

Foul Sign Language

I just found out my sign language teacher has Tourettes.

That explains all the fights with the hard-of-hearing I've been having lately.

Helloooo Newman: You Will Meet A Long, Dark Tunnel

Helloooo Newman: You Will Meet A Long, Dark Tunnel: All near-death experiences are comprised of travelling through a long, dark tunnel towards a very bright light. What's with the t...

You Will Meet A Long, Dark Tunnel

All near-death experiences are comprised of travelling through a long, dark tunnel towards a very bright light.

What's with the tunnel? Apparently we all have to take a train to meet God.

A train? Who takes a train anymore? We're in the afterlife, not Europe. Hey God, I think it's time to update your travel methodology.

If the afterlife is as wonderful as it's sold to me on Sunday t.v., then why not First Class on the Boeing 787 Dreamliner? The flight better include luggage and food, dude. And YES, I'm bringing my hair-thinning shampoo with me.

Wait a minute – Trains and planes have emissions written all over them.

I'm more comfortable with a Tesla. Just because I'm leaving earth doesn't mean I can't do my part to save the planet for all those stuck behind living.

If you insist on a train, God, then can we change the loud, stinky tunnel trip? I hear the Alps or Rockies are beautiful. The feeling that I'm riding on a transit system just doesn't seem like a good introduction to "It's a Wonderful Afterlife".

The bright light really concerns me. As I get older, my eyes are super-sensitive to light. I fully expect to be provided with a nice pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses.

The last time I saw such a bright light, I was popping out of my mom as she got a C-section. That, by the way, was Carl Sagan's explanation for the afterlife experience. The "tunnel" is the birth canal and the "bright light" is the world you're seeing for the first time. As my Gynecologist always tells me, everything leads back to the vaj.

How about a gift basket instead of a light? Gift baskets are always fun.

I hope all these common-sense changes are made by the time I die, which gives you lots of time.

Right?








Right?

Helloooo Newman: Give a Lift to your Gift and Make it Swift

Helloooo Newman: Give a Lift to your Gift and Make it Swift: Poor rap artists do their xmas shopping at Jay Z Penny.

Give a Lift to your Gift and Make it Swift

Poor rap artists do their xmas shopping at Jay Z Penny.

Helloooo Newman: Another Jesusless Christmas

Helloooo Newman: Another Jesusless Christmas: Well, it looks like Jesus will be another no-show to the party.

Another Jesusless Christmas

Well, it looks like Jesus will be another no-show to the party.

Helloooo Newman: Hurry Up and Weight

Helloooo Newman: Hurry Up and Weight: I always weigh myself when I'm asleep because I'm a light sleeper.

Hurry Up and Weight

I always weigh myself when I'm asleep because I'm a light sleeper.

Helloooo Newman: Last Minute

Helloooo Newman: Last Minute: I can't stand all these last minute shoppers out on Christmas Eve. There's a lineup into my own washroom.

Last Minute

I can't stand all these last minute shoppers out on Christmas Eve.

There's a lineup into my own washroom.

Helloooo Newman: The Boiling Point

Helloooo Newman: The Boiling Point: Finally, Donald Trump has booked a reputable act for his inogeration. Tex and Edna Boil, of SCTV fame, will headline. Says Edna, &qu...

The Boiling Point

Finally, Donald Trump has booked a reputable act for his inogeration.

Tex and Edna Boil, of SCTV fame, will headline.

Says Edna, "We've been doing a lot of funerals recently. And most of them have been suicides, so it seemed like a good fit."

Helloooo Newman: Can I Rent?

Helloooo Newman: Can I Rent?: Self-help gurus say that we should take ownership of our life. Are you feeling angry? Take ownership of your feelings. Are you break...

Can I Rent?

Self-help gurus say that we should take ownership of our life.

Are you feeling angry? Take ownership of your feelings. Are you breaking your back mastering some activity? Take ownership of your success.

Don't we own enough shit? Isn't that the big complaint about heartless capitalism and conspicuous consumption? We want to own more and more stuff. Now I have to own my failures, anxiety, apprehension, mistakes and miscalculations?

I don't think I can own a house, a car, eight t-shirts and 12 pairs of underwear and on top of that all my feelings. I'm owned-out.

Where do I keep all this stuff? My garage is already full of "important things", plus my car. Oh no, my depression, on the top of my feelings pile, fell onto my car and it drove itself into a hydro pole. I own the tragedy.

Let's see…my calculator tells me that my house is worth a shitload more than my anger, so I think I'll keep the house and give the anger away.

How about a garage sale for my feelings. Only two dollars for my paranoia? Are you crazy? I paid good money for that suffering.

Maybe I'll just rent my feelings.

Me: Are you still angry at me, honey?

Wife: Yes, but I'm only renting so I'll be okay by tomorrow.

Whew.

One thing I do plan to own is my death. I think it will go up in value over time and I can buy a new life.

Helloooo Newman: We Interrupt Your Regular Reading…

Helloooo Newman: We Interrupt Your Regular Reading…: I apologize for the temporary stall in my world famous blogs. I realize that many of you have given up your sleeping pills, instead re...

We Interrupt Your Regular Reading…

I apologize for the temporary stall in my world famous blogs.

I realize that many of you have given up your sleeping pills, instead relying on reading my articles to bring about a great night's sleep.

My back went out. I don't mean it went out, like, xmas shopping for me. It had a seizure and turned me into a withering fetal mess on the floor.

Finally, my back is back in business! I have enough muscle relaxant in me so that I can now floss my teeth with my toenails and brush my hair with my shoulder blades, both of which are on my resolution's list for next year.

There's something about taking seven hours to put a sock on that focuses one's attention.

No pain, no gain MY ASS!

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Power

Helloooo Newman: Stomach Power: I read on Facebook that we only use 10% of our stomach.  I'm eating way more next year.

Stomach Power

I read on Facebook that we only use 10% of our stomach. 

I'm eating way more next year.

Helloooo Newman: Dry Cleaners

Helloooo Newman: Dry Cleaners: I hate visiting the dry cleaners. It's hard describing to them what I need while I'm holding my breath, which I do so that th...

Dry Cleaners

I hate visiting the dry cleaners.

It's hard describing to them what I need while I'm holding my breath, which I do so that the chemicals in the air don't dissolve my lungs.

All dry cleaners smell the same – like a glue factory, a paint factory, a spray paint factory, a bleach factory, a VIM factory, a battery acid factory and a Vicks VapoRub factory fathered a little corner store and called it dry cleaner.

What a nightmare on Father's Day for the confused little dry cleaner store.

For some reason my wife's clothes cost three times as much to clean as mine. Why? When I wear her clothes, they feel like normal clothes to me. The high heels hurt and the stockings chafe. For some reason the blouse buttons are on the wrong side, but otherwise they are run-of-the-mill clothes.

And that gets to my real difficulty. In order to get the "male" price, I wear my wife's clothes to the dry cleaners and then take them off there, asking for MY clothes to be cleaned.

Of course I get stares. I also save about $2.50 per stare on the price of the cleaning.

One time, as a joke, I took my wetsuit to be dry cleaned. I was laughing, but the guy wasn't. He stapled one of those paper dry cleaning tags to the skin in-between my nostrils. Is there a name for that body part?

Wait, I have a name for it – ARRRGGGRHHFFUKKPAIGRNGHH.

Don't take your wet suit to the dry cleaners.

Helloooo Newman: Lawerly Advice

Helloooo Newman: Lawerly Advice: What is a snow advisory? The news today issued a snow advisory. Are they advising me that it will snow, or that it did snow? Aren&#...

Lawerly Advice

What is a snow advisory? The news today issued a snow advisory.

Are they advising me that it will snow, or that it did snow? Aren't they really just telling me that? It's a snow telling.

It's really just a forecast. The forecast for today is snow. That's it. I don't need your advice. Just tell me your best guess and shut up.

"Hey, you want my advice? It's gonna snow today."

The weatherman is now your lawyer.

ME: I can't move my car. It's totally stuck. I gotta get to work. I'll be fired. What do I do?

Weatherman: Well, if I were your weatherman (for a retainer), I would advise you that it snowed, and you should shovel it away.

ME: Oh God, how much will that cost?

Weatherman: Along with my bill? Your keister's in a sling.

Helloooo Newman: News Labels

Helloooo Newman: News Labels: Pope Francis Shocks World, Endorses  Donald Trump  for President Do we really think that labelling fake news as "FAKE NEWS" w...

News Labels

Pope Francis Shocks World, Endorses Donald Trump for President

Do we really think that labelling fake news as "FAKE NEWS" will have a beneficial effect?

People who read and believe fake news want to read and believe fake news.

It's like eating a Wagon Wheel. People who eat a Wagon Wheel want to eat a Wagon Wheel. They don't confuse it with an artichoke heart and then stop eating it when you point out that NO, it is not an artichoke heart, but rather fake food.

People who read and believe fake news (like the headline above) are stupid, and don't know they are stupid. People who read and believe fake news, and then stop believing it after you patiently explain to them how absurd it is, are stupid, and they know they are stupid, which is stupider.

For sure, though, it would be nice if all of our problems could be solved with the proper labels.

Helloooo Newman: Keep In Mind It's Only One Horse

Helloooo Newman: Keep In Mind It's Only One Horse: I think we should be realistic and admit that the "open sleigh" only has one horse pulling it. That's – one horse! T...

Keep In Mind It's Only One Horse

I think we should be realistic and admit that the "open sleigh" only has one horse pulling it.

That's – one horse!

The song doesn't clarify how many people are in the sleigh, but I definitely get the imagery of many little kids crammed in there.

So, can we really say that the sleigh is "dashing" through the snow? Is it Pegasus, the winged horse, pulling the sleigh? Nope.

Imagine, if you will, your car being one horse power. Is that a real car? Of course not.

You certainly wouldn't be inspired to write an entire Christmas carol around it.

Upon reflection, do we really want the sleigh "dashing"? It's probably being driven by an adult with a wine skin around his neck.

Let's keep things in perspective when we sing these songs.

Helloooo Newman: Toronto's Poem

Helloooo Newman: Toronto's Poem: Ask not for whom the road tolls. It tolls for thee.

Toronto's Poem

Ask not for whom the road tolls.

It tolls for thee.

Helloooo Newman: Shopping Tips

Helloooo Newman: Shopping Tips: Here's something you can do for your Christmas shopping that's really lots of fun. I like to combine onsite and online shoppin...

Shopping Tips

Here's something you can do for your Christmas shopping that's really lots of fun.

I like to combine onsite and online shopping.

Yesterday I went to a Roots store, sat in one of their leather-bound chairs (same leather that's in their shoes) and ordered everything online from my phone.

The Roots girl kept asking me if she could help me.

ME: "Leave me alone. I'm trying to buy some boots and a sweat shirt."

HER: "Would you like to try them on? They're right over there."

ME: "I can see them perfectly well on my phone, thank you. Now go away."

That was a fun day, except for the rude girl.

Helloooo Newman: It All Ads Up

Helloooo Newman: It All Ads Up: Now that Helloooo Newman is a worldwide phenomenon, I am faced with the issue of introducing advertising. Ads would make me rich, but ...

It All Ads Up

Now that Helloooo Newman is a worldwide phenomenon, I am faced with the issue of introducing advertising.

Ads would make me rich, but annoy the hell of you.

Hmmmm, what to do? Get rich or alienate my readers in Russia, Ukraine, Portugal, Germany, France, Poland, Latvia, to name a few. I certainly don't want to upset V. Putin. He might ruin my chances of running for POTUS by hacking my nude photos with Rihanna.

Maybe I should begin with product placement. That's it. Instead of full-blown ads, I'll drop some big names in my blog so those companies can send me $$$ for the mention.

Tim Hortons: Every time I drink their coffee, I think, "Gee, they should stop digging up the Alberta tar sands." Their club sandwich tasted more like a wooden club then a sandwich. You be the judge. Go visit them.

Canadian Tire: I would complain about the staff, but I've never actually met any. I think they've all been laid off. All I know is their commercials inspire me to set a ring of old car tires on fire outside of every store. The toilet paper is cheap, so go there.

The Beer Store: It's a customer-focused business model. In return for constantly increasing prices, they renovate their stores so you have to wander around a 10,000 sq. foot warehouse, kept at -1 degree, find your own goddamn beer and carry it to the cashier. I highly recommend the Beer Store, mostly because you don't have much choice. Dress warmly.

LCBO: Same as above, but wear whatever you want.

Coffee Time Donuts: Their coffee is hand-brewed inside a rat's rectum and the donuts consist of something not yet identified on the periodic table of the elements. The more you spend the more you save. Go now.

That wasn't too bad, was it? Be sure to visit each and every sponsor so I get rich.

Helloooo Newman: Online Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Online Shopping: I shopped online all day yesterday. My fingers are exhausted. Tons of web traffic. Should have bookmarked my spot. Just when ...

Online Shopping

I shopped online all day yesterday. My fingers are exhausted.

Tons of web traffic. Should have bookmarked my spot.

Just when I found the correct I.P. address, I had to pee, so I took a wikileak.

I really need to speak to my shrink about my attachments. 

I keep trying to download them onto others.

Some guy tried to sell me a fancy Swiss watch, but I pegged him as an emoticon.

Got my brother-in-law some phishing equipment.

The spam for lunch was overcooked. Should have had the cookies.

Took a bad Tumblr off the firewall.

Then my wife gets all hyper about her links.

Lousy day. No sun. Shopping in the cloud all day.

Money gone in a Flash.

But, overall a successful Google drive.

Helloooo Newman: Book 'em, Danno

Helloooo Newman: Book 'em, Danno: Here are some shopping strategies for Christmas. To save money, I buy people only book covers, instead of the entire book. When they c...

Book 'em, Danno

Here are some shopping strategies for Christmas.

To save money, I buy people only book covers, instead of the entire book. When they complain, I tell them to stop judging the book by its cover.

I hate studio versions of Books on CD. They're so overproduced. I much prefer to buy the live concert version of the reading, where the author can improvise and really show off his/her writing skills. It feels like actually being there.

Most of the time, I don't even buy books. I don't know what people want to read. I buy book marks, because I'm pretty sure the person won't read an entire book in one sitting, so they'll really need the book mark.

I go into Chapters, pick my favourite book, and read one page a day, until I'm finished. Saved loads of money that way.

For people who maybe I don't like too much, but am required to buy a gift for, I buy a book and tear out the last page. They get the last page the next Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: When I'm 54

Helloooo Newman: When I'm 54: Wasn't it Paul Lennon who wrote When I'm 54 ? I don't know. My memory is going fast, now that I am actually 54. Seeing ...

When I'm 54

Wasn't it Paul Lennon who wrote When I'm 54?

I don't know. My memory is going fast, now that I am actually 54.

Seeing as it's Christmas, can you remind me again?

Why do we kiss under the cameltoe?

Helloooo Newman: Getting A Head of Myself

Helloooo Newman: Getting A Head of Myself: Here's something for my 2017 resolution's list. Surgeons are planning to attempt the first head transplant. They will decapita...

Getting A Head of Myself

Here's something for my 2017 resolution's list.

Surgeons are planning to attempt the first head transplant. They will decapitate the healthy head of one body and attach it to another (headless) body that is otherwise healthy, except that its head is missing.

I could really use a head transplant next year. Talk about a fresh start.

New ideas. New thoughts. New face. Saves $$$ on a hair transplant. New stubble. No flabby chin.

It's the ultimate makeover.

It's the ultimate career move, too – how to get a head in life.

I guess I would want to interview the head before I accepted it. Give it some of those Luminosity brain tests. Obviously, the head has to be smarter than my current head, or what's the point.

Coffee and a nice conversation would also be required. The head has to love coffee, because my current head is addicted to it. God forbid I get into an argument with the head. Since we will be spending a lot of time together, we have to agree on several key issues.

Would you have voted for Trump if it meant you would get ahead in life?

The answer better be no. It should have scruples. And nice cheek bones.

I would want the head to have a definite intellectual bent, so I would expect it to be reading something like Scientific American while it was waiting to be attached. If it goes anywhere near O magazine, I'll drown the thing.

Also, strong knees. I want stronger knees. Heads don't have knees, so I guess that's not relevant.

It should be wearing a helmet, though. Safety first, always.

And no humming while it's waiting. I can't stand heads that hum.

Anyway, I'm getting a head of myself. I haven't even talked to the headhunter yet.

Helloooo Newman: MLS Cup

Helloooo Newman: MLS Cup: Are you so excited for Toronto's MLS Cup game? Me too. I didn't know real estate agents had a soccer league, but it will be ...

MLS Cup

Are you so excited for Toronto's MLS Cup game?

Me too.

I didn't know real estate agents had a soccer league, but it will be great to watch from my own home, as it steadily goes up in value.

I'm leaning towards Royal LePage.

Who do you favour?

Helloooo Newman: Body Heat

Helloooo Newman: Body Heat: I'm sure you are aware that 80% of your body heat is lost through the top of your head. Always wear a hat in winter. I just found ...

Body Heat

I'm sure you are aware that 80% of your body heat is lost through the top of your head. Always wear a hat in winter.

I just found out that 80% of the body heat of my house is lost through open windows.

I'm gonna close my windows this winter.

You should too.

Helloooo Newman: I Don't like Trump Either

Helloooo Newman: I Don't like Trump Either: Does every celebrity that ever existed have to come out and denounce Trump? Is that what's required before we convince everyone th...

I Don't like Trump Either

Does every celebrity that ever existed have to come out and denounce Trump?

Is that what's required before we convince everyone that Trump is bad?

Today, Jerry Springer offered his rarified opinion on Trump. Guess what? It was negative.

That's like Jack the Ripper criticizing Jeffrey Dahmer on his serial killing skills.

Is there anyone today who would admit to watching Jerry Springer? I thought he was dead. Actually, I never thought of him at all.

Guess what, Jerry. I can make my own mind up about Trump. You should be busy erasing all those shows you hosted.

And in case you want Matt Lauer's valuable opinion on Trump, you're in luck. He told Trump to stop watching SNL.

Really? I think it's awesome that Trump watches SNL and it bugs him so much. Could we ask for any more?

I wonder what Loni Anderson thinks of all this.

Helloooo Newman: The Uncounted

Helloooo Newman: The Uncounted: You're watching the news. A massive factory fire: Over 40 people killed. Pearl Harbour: More than 2000 killed. Why does the medi...

The Unreported

You're watching the news. A massive factory fire: Over 40 people killed.

Pearl Harbour: More than 2000 killed.

Why does the media say "over 40 people killed"? Is that easier than saying, "43 people killed"?

We know the exact number of people that died as a result of Pearl Harbour. 2,403. It's not in dispute.

Newscasters love rounding off numbers of dead people to the nearest even number. It makes sense, since even numbers are nice numbers. They're round and soft and fluffy and easy to digest, just like the news you're watching.

Odd numbers wreak havoc with our sense of balance and harmony. After all, we want to enjoy dinner while finding out how many dead there are.

Maybe it's more dramatic. "Over 40 people killed" means that maybe (drum roll, please) a grand total of 49 people were killed. You never know…stay tuned.

Imagine being the "over" dead person – The one that so selfishly spills the number to over 40.

Coroner's office:

"I'm here to identify my loved one."

"Was he an over?"

"Yes, unfortunately."

"You'll have to wait a while."

We're told to respect the dead. Maybe we should also respect the dead that become a rounding error.

My advice. If you die in a large group, make sure you are among the first to be found. You'll make the news.

Helloooo Newman: TTC Difficile

Helloooo Newman: TTC Difficile: About a week ago I rode the Toronto Abattoir and Germ Factory Transit system. The government calls it the TTC. What made this trip dif...

TTC Difficile

About a week ago I rode the Toronto Abattoir and Germ Factory Transit system. The government calls it the TTC.

What made this trip different was that it was 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday, a time of day when I haven't been on the TTC in about 70 years.

The train, slowing winding its way to the abattoir, was full of cattle. The government calls this cattle the public.

I guess cattle work at this time of day.

A man next to me sneezed an uproarious sneeze. For all intents and purposes, he wasn't a man. He was a six foot dripping nose in a Boss suit. About 1.68 cm from my mouth. One nostril swallowed my body whole and then slowly dripped it out again.

I could feel the germs copulating on my face. Then arguing, then having make up sex, and very quickly there were 8 trillion microorgasms making my body their whorehouse.

Remember C. Difficile – the bacteria that causes gut-wrenching diarrhea?

Well, I had TTC Difficile.

But at least I got off before all those cattle went to slaughter.

Helloooo Newman: Just A Coffee

Helloooo Newman: Just A Coffee: I always feel embarrassed when I order just a coffee at Starbucks. It's like going to emergency just for a paper cut. "Wo...

Just A Coffee

I always feel embarrassed when I order just a coffee at Starbucks.

It's like going to emergency just for a paper cut.

"Would you like us to call the surgeon, sir?"

"Sure."

"That was an I.V. of sarcasm, sir. Get out right now."

The Starbucks staff always look so insulted when I place my order.

"You got out of bed and came here for a coffee?" "A coffee?" 

Yes. They ask twice.

"I guess."

"Why are your pants upside down?"

"Because I need coffee."

Then they whisper mean comments, like:

"Wow, is your sex life this interesting too?"

"Would you like a Perry Como cd and a Wonder bread bologna sandwich with your order?"

They just can't accept that all I want is a plain coffee.

"Would you like the warm milk from a camel's toe in this?"

"How about some sprinkles of DNA from a rocket scientist? Makes you smarter."

"Just the coffee, thanks."

Helloooo Newman: The Perfect Figure

Helloooo Newman: The Perfect Figure: I've always tried to maintain an hour glass figure but have only ever managed a minute glass figure.

The Perfect Figure

I've always tried to maintain an hour glass figure but have only ever managed
a minute plastic figure.

Helloooo Newman: Fake Blog

Helloooo Newman: Fake Blog: Fake news is in the news. Unless the news I've been reading about fake news is fake. I read it on Fakebook. When does real new...

Fake Blog

Fake news is in the news.

Unless the news I've been reading about fake news is fake.

I read it on Fakebook.

When does real news end and fake news begin?

If only it were as easy as spotting fake breasts, fake teeth, fake orgasms and fake hair.

This blog is fake.

Helloooo Newman: Taiwan On

Helloooo Newman: Taiwan On: Were you as puzzled as I was about the phone call heard around the world? Mr. Trump spoke to the President of Taiwan – over the phone ...

Taiwan On

Were you as puzzled as I was about the phone call heard around the world?

Mr. Trump spoke to the President of Taiwan – over the phone. Soooooo twentieth century.

For China, calls between POTUS and the Taiwanese President constitutes a breach of protocol, mostly because it might turn into phone sex (and then war), and partly because the Chinese need an island to vacation on. After they invade and destroy it, of course.

If China is your body, Taiwan is your baby toe nail.

Don't you think Mr. Trump should have caller I.D.?

"Pssst Don, it's her. Should I tell her you're busy closing a steak deal with Vlad?"

"Naw, I'll take it. Watch me sell some water"

I wonder if they are allowed to text or email. Maybe secret messages in fortune cookies?

I doubt you knew that we live in a world where one country tells another country who they can phone. I sure didn't know.

I call my old girlfriends all the time and my wife complains to no end. That doesn't mean I let her tell me who I can speak to.

What would I do if I were POTUS?

Well, I'm the last guy who wants to piss off China. They have such a proud history of stealing technology and selling human organs on the black market.

Still, if they called to complain about who I phone, I think I would tell them to speak loudly into the old sphincter phone.

Helloooo Newman: Drunken Decorating

Helloooo Newman: Drunken Decorating: I'm all for tastefully decorating the exterior of one's house at Christmas time. It's just those houses that look like the...

Drunken Decorating

I'm all for tastefully decorating the exterior of one's house at Christmas time.

It's just those houses that look like the owner drank too much of a mixture of food colouring, glass, electricity and wires and then vomited Christmas lights all over their porch.

Please vomit tastefully.

Thank you.

Helloooo Newman: What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?

Helloooo Newman: What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?: I love the idea of dogs in the workplace. Dogs should be in all workplaces. Here's a list of some workplaces where dogs should b...

What Colour is Your Dog's Parachute?

I love the idea of dogs in the workplace.

Dogs should be in all workplaces.

Here's a list of some workplaces where dogs should be present:
• your local abattoir
• helicopter tours, in the helicopter
• synchronized swimming lessons, in the pool
• germ labs, sitting quietly beside the tubes of botulism, anthrax and clostridium botulinum
  (botox), very carefully waging his tail
• the International Space Station
• magic shows, with the lady in the box being sawed in half
• in the supreme court, sitting to the left, because all dogs lean to the left (except the American pit
  bull terrier, which leans to the alt right)
• in the cockpits of all planes

In some workplaces there should only be dogs.

Like the White House.

Instead of the White House going to the dogs, dogs should run the White House.

Helloooo Newman: Food as Food

Helloooo Newman: Food as Food: Why can't food just be food? Instead, the new marketing of food includes the phrase, food as fuel . What the hell does that mean...

Food as Food

Why can't food just be food?

Instead, the new marketing of food includes the phrase, food as fuel.

What the hell does that mean?

Can I put a turkey club in my gas tank and drive to the cottage on it? Hey honey, do you smell bacon and mayo? Are those tomatoes blowing out our vents?

Or can I drink an unleaded gasshake for extra calories?

If food as fuel means that food is good at keeping us alive, that's really big news, isn't it?

I was trying to get off food, but now that I know it's my body's fuel, ya, I'll take those chocolate-covered onion rings please.

How about food is food. It's not magical Harry Potter dust or the answer to all of our problems.

Some food is good food, some food is bad food.

It's all food. Just eat the damn food.

Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Window Shopping: I'm almost done all my window shopping. Way ahead of schedule. Time for a beer, cuz I'm a window shopaholic.

Window Shopping

I'm almost done all my window shopping.

Way ahead of schedule.

Time for a beer, cuz I'm a window shopaholic.

Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B

Helloooo Newman: It's All Part of the J-O-B: Lately I've been thinking I have it all wrong about Donald Trump. I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice ...

It's All Part of the J-O-B

Lately I've been thinking that I have it all wrong about Donald Trump.

I think he will be one of our great leaders. He is a wise voice in a sea of insanity.

I take back everything I've written in previous blogs about him.

Oh. I should mention he is considering me for Secretary of State. No, that has not influenced my opinion of him.

Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express

Helloooo Newman: Bipolar Express: Some days I love watching the movie The   Polar Express  at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it ...

Bipolar Express

Some days I love watching the movie The Polar Express at Christmas time. I take the t.v. into bed with me and cuddle up, watching it over and over again.

Other days I can't stand the movie. I pick up the t.v. and throw it under a train, while the movie is playing.

I think it's because I'm bipolar.

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party

Helloooo Newman: Potunlucky Party: I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas. Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too laz...

Potunlucky Party

I can't stand going to potluck parties. They're all the rage around Christmas.

Hey, I want to have a party but I'm too lazy to get off my ass – I guess it'll be potluck!

I don't understand the popularity of them. It was your idea to have a party and you want me to cook? I think it's time you took responsibility for your own decisions.

That's like having a house warming party and then inviting me to build the house. Sure I'm handy. I'm handy with my middle finger.

I'll bring beer and maybe – maybe – a bag of chips, but you expect me to do kitchen time to improve your party?

Sure, I could go buy something, but the problem with that is the buying part. How much is this party going to cost me? Could you have your party on Black Friday so I can buy some cheap wings with my stereo?

There's always pressure for people to bring some cutsie dish that represents their country or culture.

"Where did you get that plate? It's darling. And your meal is?"

"Meatloaf. It represents what I was going to throw out from my fridge."

I have a real problem with the word "luck". Do we really want luck to play a role when we're eating other people's food?

"Oh, I see you got the meatballs with the salmonella. That's kinda pot unlucky for you, isn't it."

Then the party gets split into people who manage to grab some grub and those that don't.

Pretty soon you have people going hungry and the party becomes a microcosm for society and the 1% that get to eat like Kings the and 99% that go hungry. Should we set up a welfare party so these people can at least have a decent meal?

"Hey Jeff, I didn't know your party was going to be a microcosm for the social and economic ills of society at large. Cool."

"It was hard picking the right kind of music. Don't forget to wash your own dishes."

Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud

Helloooo Newman: Feliz Navidud: Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad? Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a bre...

Feliz Navidud

Is it possible that someone other than José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad?

Maybe just this once. Just for this year. He must need a break.

Technically, it's not that difficult a song. I think Adele could handle it, or Jay Z, or XY and Z.

Or no one sing it. Maybe that's better.

No Feliz Navidud.

Just for this year.

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis

Helloooo Newman: Castroenteritis: Poor Justin. He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis . This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from lo...

Castroenteritis

Poor Justin.

He is currently suffering from Castroenteritis.

This is the condition of developing stomach pains and diarrhea from losing a fellow dictator.

Oh I know, Justin isn't quit the dictator kind. What stops him is the crying after, say, putting people in front of a firing squad or locking up dissenters who, on the plus side, still get free health care.

Don't cry, Justin. I hear Mr. Jong-il is feeling just fine these days.

Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good

Helloooo Newman: RIP it Good: Nine days of mourning? I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.

RIP it Good

Nine days of mourning?

I was done after the first few puffs of my Cohiba.

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache

Helloooo Newman: Aspirin Ache: I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day. It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pi...

Aspirin Ache

I was at the drug store looking for a pain reliever the other day.

It's a good thing they have 32,000 different kinds of pain pills because I got a headache trying to pick the right one.

I took the pills specifically for people who spend an hour trying to decide on one product.

Then my legs started to hurt from all the standing, so I swallowed pills for people who use their legs a lot while shopping.

Next were my arms, from lifting all the various bottles. Arm-lifting pain pills did the trick.

Eye pain – from reading the microscopic instructions. Eye pain pills.

The worst pain was making-a-decision pain, from having to make all those purchasing decisions.

Oh, and paying pain. Pain relief relieves you of a lot of money.

Now I'm all do#@^%$p%*@ed up.

Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind

Helloooo Newman: Axe to Grind: Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe? I haven't. I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Wher...

Axe to Grind

Have you ever seen someone actually grinding an axe?

I haven't.

I've met many people who say they have an axe to grind. Where are they getting their axes?

I have two axes at my cottage. One is really what's called a wood splitter, but it totally has the personality of an axe. I've never had to grind either one.

I'd say if you have a axe to grind then you're buying lousy axes.

That's my life lesson for you – if you have an axe to grind then buy better axes.

Helloooo Newman: Bygones

Helloooo Newman: Bygones: Who are the Bygones? Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to exp...

Bygones

Who are the Bygones?

Apparently it's important to let Bygones be themselves, unhindered, unchained by social norms and able to express themselves freely.

We shorten this to "let Bygones be Bygones."

But who are these people, the Bygones, why do they get to behave any way they want, and is anyone trying to stop them from being themselves?

I imagine they are some ancient tribe in New Guinea that's resisting Western culture. There is a small band of capitalist marauders trying to crush their way of life, extinguish their language, steal their children and put them to work in Taco Bell kitchens filling tacos with antibiotic-bred beef.

I wish I was a Bygone because then my wife would stop trying to mould me into a better man. Bygones get to be whoever they are.

"Honey, the leaves need raking. Put the beer down, finish your breakfast and get moving."

"Listen sweetie, can we just let Bygones be Bygones?"

"You're not a Bygone."

"Yes I am. I got a monthly membership yesterday. They're dying out, sweetie. Someone's gotta keep the tradition going."

"Was that the VISA charge just below PornHub?"

"Let Bygones be Bygones, sweetie."

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson

Helloooo Newman: Spokesperson: I could really use a spokesperson. Why do only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cru...

Spokesperson

How come only prominent people get to have a spokesperson? If you're really big, like Trump, Cruise or Oprah, you have lots of spokespersons. They have spokespeople.

I could really use a spokesperson.

I would have my spokesperson make all kinds of important announcements.

First off, I would make him a her – female. It's good optics. Women are smarter and harder working. So says my wife, and I believe her. I think that's a conclusion I arrived at by myself, but truthfully, after 20 years of marriage I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry, Paul is sleeping in today."

My spokesperson will be conveying that message quite often. I'll probably have interviewees say that phrase to test if they are up for the job. A little more convincing, please. Remember to convey the idea that Paul really needs to sleep in because he's been WORKING HARD. Your job is to hide the truth – that I'm lazy.

She (spokeswoman?) would update the world on all kinds of mundane things about my life, similar to people updating their Facebook status with important information like what they are eating, how to boil water, and the latest thing you should be outraged about.

Yes, my spokesperson would, on a daily basis, express my outrage on a variety of issues, because if one doesn't express the proper amount of outrage (in public) regarding various injustices, one is…just like the people committing the injustice.

I would bring my spokesperson in the car to shield me from dangerous situations. She would, for example, handle my road rage incidents for me. This would include flipping the bird, swearing with the window up or down and using the car as a barrier, all the while ready to confront any resulting violence, while I run away and catch a bus. You wouldn't punch a woman, would you?

She would also handle the most important activity I engage in – prayer. I like to sleep in on Sundays (every day, really, but especially Sundays) so she would handle my messages to God.

God: Who is this?

Spokesperson: Paul's spokesperson.

God: And he's…?

Spokesperson: Sleeping.

God: Ah. Well, tell him I'm all out of miracles today.

Spokesperson: I'll pass that along.

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie

Helloooo Newman: Give Him A Wedgie: Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog" . That's because when I try to play golf,...

Give Him A Wedgie

Whenever I see the word "golf" I always read it backwards – "flog".

That's because when I try to play golf, I feel like beating someone's head in. I want to "flog" them.

With my driver or maybe my nine iron. Whatever makes the best shot.

My caddy helps me with that. "Here, Mr. Hardie, given the size and shape of his head, I suggest the pitching wedge."

Helloooo Newman: Now

Helloooo Newman: Now: Right now is the way things are.

Now

Right now is the way things are.

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen

Helloooo Newman: Thank You, Stephen: I read some really great news today. Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collaps...

Thank You, Stephen

I read some really great news today.

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking announced that at any moment, the Higgs boson field could collapse and instantly wipe out the universe.

Specifically, the boson could cause a quantum fluctuation, which creates a vacuum bubble that expands and destroys everything in its path.

I was a tad scared that I created a vacuum bubble yesterday when I was vacuuming the living room and accidentally sucked up my gym socks, but I guess it wasn't big enough. They weren't the type of socks that go up to the knee. Thank God. Imagine the flack I would get for ending all of reality.

Is there really any point in raking up the leaves, putting them neatly in bags, when a universe-destroying vacuum could possibly do it for me?

Mr. Hawking said the vacuum may be on its way right now but it just hasn't reached us yet. And you want me to cut the lawn? I don't think so.

I'll do some laundry, maybe a few dishes, but that's it.

I'm gonna let nature do the rest.

Helloooo Newman: I Hope

Helloooo Newman: I Hope: I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my lif...

I Hope

I was watching a documentary on t.v. called How To Prepare For Prison when it occurred to me, I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life.

You know, like he does in The Shawshank Redemption.

It would attach such gravitas to those dull moments and chores in my monotonous existence. While I'm cutting my toe nails or removing dead skin from my heels I could put on an opera record and Morgan's voice would kick in, soaring in its humanity and pathos as the clippings fall into the toilet bowl.

Here's a typical scene in my life, as narrated by Morgan: "Paul sat in his chair, and I tell you, the birds of freedom soared that day like they've never soared before. Towards the sun. The light of knowledge and freedom. He was free. Free as a bird. No prison for Paul."

Something like that.

Maybe it's worth going to prison just so he could give voice to my life. I can always escape, like Andy does in the movie. But not through the sewage pipe. Nope. I'd have to find another way. I have an allergy to human feces, especially if there's gluten in it.

Otherwise, that would be neat.