Milton Berle said, "Laughter is an instant vacation."
We hope you've enjoyed collecting your frequent laughter points at Helloooo Newman. Keep them as long as you want and trade them in anytime – to go anywhere – in your mind.
As a dedicated Helloooo Newman reader, you have questions. Things like:
1. Will Helloooo Newman be funnier next year?
Yes. We have some tough comedy numbers to meet. Laughter will increase by 37%. If it doesn't, get your money back. From somewhere. Try the Dollar Store. They give refunds all the time.
2. Will Helloooo Newman be more educational next year?
You bet. Your brain size will increase by 0.00003%. Doesn't seem like much, but if your brain expands too much, it presses against your skull, you develop a brain edema, and you die. We are always on the lookout for this, and that's why Helloooo Newman never gets TOO smart.
3. Will Helloooo Newman be more intellectual?
Now, THAT'S funny.
We've already focus-grouped several new blogs and the results were nothing short of…stunning.
We randomly tested individuals from various groups:
Rats: They closely mimic the human response to humour. None of the rats laughed, but all were cancer-free two weeks after reading.
Insurance Adjusters: 86% of insurance adjusters laughed so hard they quit their job, left their families, sold everything and tend bar at comedy clubs across North America. We at Helloooo Newman wouldn't have sold everything, but what great results, no?
The final group, a random collection of people who play sports involving the lifting of heavy, round objects (bowling, curling, shot put), varied in their response. One person laughed so hard that her appendix burst (even though she carried it around in a jar). A championship bowler went insane with laughter and now hunts wild game in the Outback using gynecological instruments.
Get ready, readers. At Helloooo Newman, next year is Two Thousand and Funnyteen.
