Helloooo Newman: Parallel elections

Helloooo Newman: Parallel elections: The GOP accused 5 parallel universes, populated by immigrants, of interfering in the election. Physicists will be posted at each polling boo...

Parallel elections

The GOP accused 5 parallel universes, populated by immigrants, of interfering in the election.

Physicists will be posted at each polling booth for security.

Helloooo Newman: Breaking up is easy to do

Helloooo Newman: Breaking up is easy to do: Alberta just voted to relocate the province to Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump as their leader. They also voted to buy all their diesel from Ru...

Breaking up is easy to do

Alberta just voted to relocate the province to Mar-a-Lago with Donald Trump as their leader. They also voted to buy all their diesel from Russia, stream all executions, enlist dumb blondes as their spokesperson and prevent as many black people from voting as possible.

Okay, no they didn't.

Helloooo Newman: PimpLife Fitness

Helloooo Newman: PimpLife Fitness: Since Shane Gillis has established that all women at fitness centres look like whores, I've decided to join GoodLife dressed as a pimp. ...

PimpLife Fitness

Since Shane Gillis has established that all women at fitness centres look like whores, I've decided to join GoodLife dressed as a pimp.

Maybe I can get all those tight-shorted women to work for me. They're sweaty and ready!

Still working on my costume. It's tricky dressing like a pimp while being able to work a rowing machine.

And where will I park my Cadillac?

Helloooo Newman: Hegseth the mouse

Helloooo Newman: Hegseth the mouse: I'm sick and goddamn tired of mice at the cottage.  From now on when I crush them in traps I'm live streaming it to the entire mouse...

Hegseth the mouse

I'm sick and goddamn tired of mice at the cottage. 

From now on when I crush them in traps I'm live streaming it to the entire mouse community.

That'll teach 'em.

Helloooo Newman: Feeling ashaned

Helloooo Newman: Feeling ashaned: Shane Gillis has retracted what he said on SNL, now stating that only whores who work out at fitness centres look like whores.

Feeling ashaned

Shane Gillis has retracted what he said on SNL, now stating that only whores who work out at fitness centres look like whores.

Helloooo Newman: Bike court

Helloooo Newman: Bike court: Ontario bike nuts (sorry, enthusiasts) want to take their case for bike lanes to the Supremes in Canada. Fighting not just for the right to ...

Bike court

Ontario bike nuts (sorry, enthusiasts) want to take their case for bike lanes to the Supremes in Canada.

Fighting not just for the right to bike lanes but for the right to have them on streets they find convenient. It's so much easier to bike down Yonge St. I'm not gonna bike all the way over to some side street. I want exercise… but not too much exercise. What would I do if my doctor declared me too healthy?

So in between minor issues like gun control, a myriad of indigenous issues like how to get fresh water they can drink and whether depressed people can ask the state to kill them…the court would decide if Dick and Jane can have a pleasant ride down one of the busiest streets in the world.

My guess is that in a world of diminishing rights across the globe, bike lanes won't pass the "but I have a right to that" test.

Their big ask also includes the right to run red lights when convenient, swear at anyone that slows them down, go from sidewalk to street to grass to stairs when convenient for them, blame all collisions on pedestrians or cars, ignore police, ignore speed limits and have a hand to hold when they don't get their way.

In other words, they're just like every other vehicular machine in motion – I want the shortest route possible, get out of my way, you're the problem, I have rights, fuck you!

Helloooo Newman: John and Jane

Helloooo Newman: John and Jane: You know how they protect a person's identity by using the name John Doe or Jane Doe? What if your name actually is John or Jane Doe? Th...

John and Jane

You know how they protect a person's identity by using the name John Doe or Jane Doe?

What if your name actually is John or Jane Doe?

Then what?

That's a problem.

Helloooo Newman: Tits and tats

Helloooo Newman: Tits and tats: Trump is ordering diesel from Russia. Zelensky is bombing Russian diesel sites. This is how humanity progresses. There's no other way. D...

Tits and tats

Trump is ordering diesel from Russia.

Zelensky is bombing Russian diesel sites.

This is how humanity progresses. There's no other way.

Dinosaurs lived for about 180 million years. I wonder if we'll beat that milestone.

Helloooo Newman: Plagues and rumours of plagues

Helloooo Newman: Plagues and rumours of plagues: A Russian woman died of the plague, otherwise known by the official medical term "living in Russia".

Plagues and rumours of plagues

A Russian woman died of the plague, otherwise known by the official medical term "living in Russia".

Helloooo Newman: Dumber and dumbest

Helloooo Newman: Dumber and dumbest: It's hard to pick who is the dumbest Republican around. It's like picking the cutest puppy. They're all so damn cute. Lots of ti...

Dumber and dumbest

It's hard to pick who is the dumbest Republican around. It's like picking the cutest puppy. They're all so damn cute.

Lots of times I think I have it figured out and then another one comes along and opens their mouth.

Is it really a worthwhile activity? Picking the dumbest Republican? I'm not sure but they all seem to be vying for the honour. So might as well try.

There's Dr. Oz. He tries to hide behind a big curtain of sanity but he's a few rings short. I peg this guy as the type that feeds Dorothy Rohypnol in a threesome with the Tin Man. For years he was peddled by the likes of Oprah but people seem to have forgotten that. He's in a tight race with Dr. Phil for Dr. Whack Job of the Century.

What about Pete? Pete Hogsbreath. Secretary of War? Also in the running was Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Rdigemont High until Trump found out Sean Penn wouldn't play him for 4 years. This guy makes Gomer Pyle look like Sun Tzu. He quotes characters from Call of Duty, eats peanut butter and testosterone sandwiches by the armoured personnel carrier and declares his sex life a war zone. He's a very strong contender.

Then comes along Eric Schmitt. We have a winner! This guy thinks Dostoyevsky's The Idiot is his autobiography. If only he could read. He proves that as a system, evolution is very broken.

Look for the awards show coming soon.

Helloooo Newman: Carney blarney

Helloooo Newman: Carney blarney: Mark Carney has down a spectacular job of talking himself into being a very popular leader. A serious guy doing a lot of hard work. And stan...

Carney blarney

Mark Carney has down a spectacular job of talking himself into being a very popular leader. A serious guy doing a lot of hard work. And standing up to Trump! A recent poll shows that 99.9% of Canadians not born yet would support him, if he would just wait for them to be born.