Helloooo Newman: Important Days

Helloooo Newman: Important Days: Jesus, come on. Isn't January 20th a far more important day than December 31st? Or December 11th? Or the 14th? The first days people wer...

Important Days

Jesus, come on. Isn't January 20th a far more important day than December 31st?

Or December 11th? Or the 14th? The first days people were given the vaccine.

Fuck December 31st.

Even so, I'm gonna drink less, exercise more, sleep less, read more, daydream less, learn more, build more muscle, build less fat, be more kind, be less cranky…

more or less

Happy New Year

Helloooo Newman: Stern Talking To, Ford Style

Helloooo Newman: Stern Talking To, Ford Style:  I wish Doug Ford would give my daughter a stern talking to. Wow do they work.

Stern Talking To, Ford Style

 I wish Doug Ford would give my daughter a stern talking to. Wow do they work.

Helloooo Newman: Marshall Law

Helloooo Newman: Marshall Law: In a nod to Donald Trump, Marshall's department store is declaring marshall law in the United States.  Most shopping is fake shopping. T...

Marshall Law

In a nod to Donald Trump, Marshall's department store is declaring marshall law in the United States. 

Most shopping is fake shopping. The army will be brought in to make sure Christmas shopping is re-done, this time fairly.

Accompanied by soldiers, you are free to shop anywhere as long as it's at Marshall's.

Special penalties apply to male miscreants. Men will spend 24 hours locked in the candle section and forced to identify various scents. Then onto the bedroom department where they will, by brutal force, fold thousands of fitted mattress sheets. Neatness counts. Finally, to the container section, where they will be locked in containers of various sizes and shapes and sing Hail to the Chief.

Have a merry Marshall's Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Moderna Times

Helloooo Newman: Moderna Times: Apparently the Moderna vaccine doesn't need to be kept in absolute freezing cold, like in the vagina of a dead witch.  You can store it ...

Moderna Times

Apparently the Moderna vaccine doesn't need to be kept in absolute freezing cold, like in the vagina of a dead witch. 

You can store it in your beer fridge. Isn't human progress wonderful?

Helloooo Newman: Lost for Words

Helloooo Newman: Lost for Words: Is it okay to wish someone merry lockdown? I want to include everyone. How about happy isolation? Guess I'll go with have fun prisoner #...

Lost for Words

Is it okay to wish someone merry lockdown? I want to include everyone. How about happy isolation? Guess I'll go with have fun prisoner #1434829-FCK.

Helloooo Newman: New Orders from Down Under

Helloooo Newman: New Orders from Down Under: In new orders coming down from HQ, the CIA will stop looking for Russian undercover agents and keep their eyes peeled for Russian underwear...

New Orders from Down Under

In new orders coming down from HQ, the CIA will stop looking for Russian undercover agents and keep their eyes peeled for Russian underwear agents. Working closely with Calvin Klein and Fruit of the Loom bodes well for success.

Helloooo Newman: The Two Most Magical English Words

Helloooo Newman: The Two Most Magical English Words: There are no two words like these words in the English language. They stand apart, but only when together.  Their likeness cannot be found i...

The Two Most Magical English Words

There are no two words like these words in the English language.

They stand apart, but only when together. 

Their likeness cannot be found in any of the other 500,000 or so English words.

To say them is to…

Oh fuck it. The words are: Mike Hunt.

Have you ever been in a store and asked the manager to call over the PA system for a Mike Hunt? Me neither.

When you say the magical words Mike Hunt together, it sounds like…see?

But wait. That's not the true magic. The true magic is in the timing. You can separate these two magical words by any stretch of time and they still sound like…see?

Go ahead. Try it. Say Mike right now. And then tomorrow, as you're wrapping your gifts with a coffee in your hand, singing carols and the children by your side at about 3:00 pm, say Hunt.

See?

Ben Dover? Phil McCracken?

Please. Child's play. Not the same.

Try it.

See?

Helloooo Newman: Made in China

Helloooo Newman: Made in China: If the virus was made in China, why does it work so well? Everything I get from China I have to return, assuming I can get it out of the pac...

Made in China

If the virus was made in China, why does it work so well? Everything I get from China I have to return, assuming I can get it out of the package.

And why did Amazon ship it here?

Helloooo Newman: Pharmaceutical Friends

Helloooo Newman: Pharmaceutical Friends: Okay, now I like big Pharma companies. Now that they're working to let me go to a bar for a goddamn beer. But only this one time. Normal...

Pharmaceutical Friends

Okay, now I like big Pharma companies. Now that they're working to let me go to a bar for a goddamn beer. But only this one time. Normally, you are evil, and don't forget it.

Helloooo Newman: Za Zdarovje

Helloooo Newman: Za Zdarovje: Russian scientists report that their vaccine, developed completely independently of the Western version, also has to be stored in a deep col...

Za Zdarovje

Russian scientists report that their vaccine, developed completely independently of the Western version, also has to be stored in a deep cold freezer.

Curiously, it must also be kept in a vodka bottle. And it kind a, sort a tastes like vodka.

But it's NOT vodka. Definitely not.

Tastes like it, but nope.

Not vodka.

Did we mention it's administered in drink form? And you must say za zdarovje afterwards (Russian for cheers).

Noooot vodka.*

* not vodka

Footnotes:

not vodka

Helloooo Newman: Canada's GHG Master Plan

Helloooo Newman: Canada's GHG Master Plan: In an effort to cut GHG emissions, Justin Trudeau's government calls on all Canadians to refer to Vin Diesel as Vin Electric. Not doing ...

Canada's GHG Master Plan

In an effort to cut GHG emissions, Justin Trudeau's government calls on all Canadians to refer to Vin Diesel as Vin Electric. Not doing so will be taxed at a high rate.

Helloooo Newman: Fun Phrases

Helloooo Newman: Fun Phrases:  Next time you see a Toronto cop, yell "Hey, I smell pulled pork" They love it

Fun Phrases

 Next time you see a Toronto cop, yell "Hey, I smell pulled pork"

They love it

Helloooo Newman: Mouth Wide Shut

Helloooo Newman: Mouth Wide Shut:  In an effort to reduce the Covid spread, Doug Ford's mouth will be isolated and quarantined.

Mouth Wide Shut

 In an effort to reduce the Covid spread, Doug Ford's mouth will be isolated and quarantined.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet:  I'm on a fancy new diet so instead of ordering from SkipTheDishes I went to SkipTheFood. Very nice containers.

New Diet

 I'm on a fancy new diet so instead of ordering from SkipTheDishes I went to SkipTheFood.

Very nice containers.

Helloooo Newman: A&W&C

Helloooo Newman: A&W&C: Might have Covid. They say you lose your sense of taste. It's my A&W corn dog nuggets. I'm missing that flavour of a pig's a...

A&W&C

Might have Covid. They say you lose your sense of taste. It's my A&W corn dog nuggets. I'm missing that flavour of a pig's aftershave.

Helloooo Newman: America the Beautiful

Helloooo Newman: America the Beautiful: Turns out America isn't about checks and balances, it's about cheques and bank balances.

America the Beautiful

Turns out America isn't about checks and balances, it's about cheques and bank balances.

Helloooo Newman: Postpardon Depression

Helloooo Newman: Postpardon Depression: The birth of America Okay everyone, huddle. Alrighty, so, we want to start a country based on the very cool concept of democracy. This means...

Postpardon Depression

The birth of America

Okay everyone, huddle.

Alrighty, so, we want to start a country based on the very cool concept of democracy. This means the Supreme Leader won't be so supreme. He can't do whatever the fuck he wants. He'll be accountable to the people and power will be shared. Sound good?

(crowd) Ya, yippee, yahoo.

(suggestion from the back) Let's give the leader the power to do whatever the fuck he wants and he can pardon himself.

All those that say aye?

(crowd) Ya, yippee, yahoo.

(centuries later) Postpardon depression sets in.

Helloooo Newman: Peas and Ques

Helloooo Newman: Peas and Ques: For a man who I figure has eaten a lot of bbq in his life, including a few actual bbqs (tank included) , I'm shocked Mr. Ford shut down ...

Peas and Ques

For a man who I figure has eaten a lot of bbq in his life, including a few actual bbqs (tank included), I'm shocked Mr. Ford shut down a bbq joint. Maybe because he hasn't fully digested it all yet.

Mr. Tory? Well, he looks a little too slight for bbq. I wonder how he'll react if a bamboo shoot and edamame shop opens up?

I Smell Pork

Pulling out 100 cops for a pulled pork shop. How wonderfully…Canadian.

Helloooo Newman: I Smell Pork

Helloooo Newman: I Smell Pork: Pulling out 100 cops for a pulled pork shop. It's so wonderfully…Canadian.

Helloooo Newman: No, Not Makeup

Helloooo Newman: No, Not Makeup: I was walking down Yonge street and said to a lady, "Hey, enjoying the mascara?" Well, "mascara" is what she heard. She ...

No, Not Makeup

I was walking down Yonge street and said to a lady, "Hey, enjoying the mascara?"

Well, "mascara" is what she heard. She looked offended. 

What I said was "mask era".

Enjoying the mask era?

Ease up, lady. And get your hearing checked.

Helloooo Newman: Miss Universe

Helloooo Newman: Miss Universe: Since cosmologists have found that the universe is rapidly expanding, Miss Universe will now have to be pregnant to qualify.

Miss Universe

Since cosmologists have found that the universe is rapidly expanding, Miss Universe will now have to be pregnant to qualify.

Lawyer Joke?

Did you hear the one about the lawyer that was caught masterbating on a zoom call?

No really, he was. 

A lawyer who regularly appeared on CNN.

No joke here. I don't think.

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer Joke?

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer Joke?: Did you hear about the lawyer that was caught masterbating on a zoom call? No really, he was.  A lawyer who regularly appeared on CNN. No jo...

Helloooo Newman: Universe

Helloooo Newman: Universe:  Come on universe…you owe us.

Universe

 Come on universe…you owe us.

Helloooo Newman: This blog has no title…

Helloooo Newman: This blog has no title…: and it's not about anything. It's definitely not about the American election. Oh, except did you know that pumpernickel loosely tran...

This blog has no title…

and it's not about anything.

It's definitely not about the American election.

Oh, except did you know that pumpernickel loosely translates from the German to "goblin fart"?

Enjoy that ham sandwich.

Helloooo Newman: And the winner is…

Helloooo Newman: And the winner is…:  I think wherever the vote count is when I have my warm milk and go to bed  is who should be president.

And the winner is…

 I think wherever the vote count is when I have my warm milk and go to bed 

is who should be president.

Helloooo Newman: Huge Day

Helloooo Newman: Huge Day: Well, it's finally arrived. The big day. Tomorrow. I've been giving it a lot of thought. I'm a little uncertain, but I've de...

Huge Day

Well, it's finally arrived. The big day. Tomorrow. I've been giving it a lot of thought.

I'm a little uncertain, but I've decided I will put my socks on first and then my pants. 

Historic.

Shell Game

Instead of shelling out for candy this Halloween, we're shelling out more money for hydro. Happy fuckin' Halloween.

It gets darker much earlier. Do you need lights? Hope not.

Did you know that Toronto Hydro listed as one of its reasons for a rate increase that people are conserving too much power and it leads to reduced revenue?

Put that in your candy bag and let it rot.

I want you to go to your window, open it and stick your head out and yell: I'm mad as hell and I'll take it for as long they tell me to.

Then close the window. Because you have to heat your house.

Helloooo Newman: Shell Game

Helloooo Newman: Shell Game: Instead of shelling out for candy this Halloween, we're shelling out more money for hydro. Happy fuckin' Halloween.

Helloooo Newman: Lean and Mean

Helloooo Newman: Lean and Mean:  Have any of you tried leaning in? I get some mean back spasms. Think I'll just sit back and relax.

Lean and Mean

 Have any of you tried leaning in? I get some mean back spasms. Think I'll just sit back and relax.

Helloooo Newman: Evolution

Helloooo Newman: Evolution: Doctors in a really small town somewhere in the deep south of the United States, where people don't wear masks, have confirmed the first...

Evolution

Doctors in a really small town somewhere in the deep south of the United States, where people don't wear masks, have confirmed the first baby to be born already wearing a mask. 

This finally proves that evolution is at work, even down there, and it's really important.

Helloooo Newman: Modern Day Sex

Helloooo Newman: Modern Day Sex: A couple had virtual sex through eHarmony. He got an e-rection, she found her e-spot and after, they both smoked e-cigarettes.

Modern Day Sex

A couple had virtual sex through eHarmony. He got an e-rection, she found her e-spot and after, they both smoked e-cigarettes.

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Surgeon

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Surgeon: From the makers of The Masked Singer comes The Masked Surgeon. Three people are dressed as surgeons and ready to operate. Only one is a rea...

The Masked Surgeon

From the makers of The Masked Singer comes The Masked Surgeon.

Three people are dressed as surgeons and ready to operate. Only one is a real surgeon.

Can you tell who is the real surgeon and who are the hacks?

No, it's not always based on which patients die on the table.

Currently booking auditions for patients.

Helloooo Newman: Amazon

Helloooo Newman: Amazon: Weird how they named a jungle after Amazon. What does a beautiful natural phenomenon have to do with a company that delivers my underwear so...

Amazon

Weird how they named a jungle after Amazon. What does a beautiful natural phenomenon have to do with a company that delivers my underwear so fast I'm wearing it before I get out of the shower?

Helloooo Newman: Punch Buggy

Helloooo Newman: Punch Buggy: Perhaps you are familiar with that widely popular and sophisticated game "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs". I think it was developed b...

Punch Buggy

Perhaps you are familiar with that widely popular and sophisticated game "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs". I think it was developed by the inventor of Chess and Kerplunk.

Here's your objective: while you're driving, you try and spot as many Volkswagen Beetles as you can and every time you see one you punch your passenger while bleating "Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs".

Neat, eh?

Make sure you work in that important comma – punch buggy (pause) no punch backs. Crucial. You don't want to be caught saying "punch buggy no punch (pause) backs". Confusing, and it ruins the fun.

My daughter loves this game. So I asked her, hey daughter, what if I'm driving alone all day and I see 15 Beatles (oops, Beetles) on my trip. Can I store up the requisite punches, get home and then punch you 15 times?

I'd like that.

No, she said. Also, what the hell is requisite?

Why not?

Well, how do I know you actually saw the Beetles?

Because I'm your dad. And I can take pictures of them.

NO.

Then she punched me.

Said it was a pre-punch, for the next time we play the game.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween:  It's impossible to cancel Halloween when everyone will be wearing masks anyway.

Halloween

 It's impossible to cancel Halloween when everyone will be wearing masks anyway.

Helloooo Newman: Poultry in Motion

Helloooo Newman: Poultry in Motion: Why did the chicken cross the street? Because there's a fucking pandemic and someone is walking down the sidewalk from the other directi...

Poultry in Motion

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there's a fucking pandemic and someone is walking down the sidewalk from the other direction so he has to cross the road or possibly get horribly sick and die. Or make someone horribly sick and die.

Why did he cross the road again?

Oh look, someone is on the other side too. Guess he'll just walk down the middle of the stupid road and get butterflied by a Staples delivery truck. 

That's why he crossed the goddamn road.

Too bad he failed his interview to be a chicken at Swiss Chalet.

Helloooo Newman: Halloween

Helloooo Newman: Halloween: The World Halloween committee, part of the UN, has cancelled Halloween this year. In order for children to get their fair share of spooky mo...

Halloween

The World Halloween committee, part of the UN, has cancelled Halloween this year. In order for children to get their fair share of grotesque monsters, superheroes, nightmarish atmosphere and candy, they suggest kids watch the US Presidential debates while eating a chocolate bar.

Helloooo Newman: Fishing

Helloooo Newman: Fishing: Have you ever watched a fishing show on tv, you were overcome with excitement and thought, shit, I gotta try that? Me neither.

Fishing

Have you ever watched a fishing show on tv, you were overcome with excitement and thought, shit, I gotta try that?

Me neither.

Helloooo Newman: No-Belle

Helloooo Newman: No-Belle:   This is Belle, one of our newer dogs. As you can see, she's even lazier than me. "Is that a gutter? Better lie down in it." ...

No-Belle

 

This is Belle, one of our newer dogs. As you can see, she's even lazier than me. "Is that a gutter? Better lie down in it." She might have even smoked those cigarettes in the bottom corner when I wasn't looking.

On her bucket list is chasing machines many thousands of pounds heavier than her, like buses, cement trucks and her favourite, bobcats. Not the animal, thank God.

I have to say no to Belle an awful lot. So much so, I think she deserves the No-Belle prize. 

She's very sweet, so maybe even the No-Belle Peace prize.

Helloooo Newman: Clown School

Helloooo Newman: Clown School: I've enrolled in clown school. Here's the teacher. They only teach sad clowning.

Clown School

I've enrolled in clown school.

Here's the teacher.

They only teach sad clowning.

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Universe

Helloooo Newman: Dirty Universe:  Scientists have just discovered that the universe is not dishwasher safe.

Dirty Universe

 Scientists have just discovered that the universe is not dishwasher safe.

Helloooo Newman: The Proposal

Helloooo Newman: The Proposal:  I guess I should have said yes when Jeff Bezos asked me to marry him a long time ago.

The Proposal

 I guess I should have said yes when Jeff Bezos asked me to marry him a long time ago.

Helloooo Newman: Binary Code

Helloooo Newman: Binary Code:  My computer code has come out as non-binary.

Binary Code

 My computer code has come out as non-binary.

Helloooo Newman: Technology

Helloooo Newman: Technology: It's time that Dora the Explorer uses Google Maps. Or Waze. Whichever. Get with it, Dora.

Technology

It's time that Dora the Explorer uses Google Maps. Or Waze. Whichever.

Get with it, Dora.

Helloooo Newman: Failed State

Helloooo Newman: Failed State: Headline in the news: Armed citizens and mercenaries clash. Just another day in Sudan. Shit, sorry. Wait a minute. This was in the United St...

Failed State

Headline in the news: Armed citizens and mercenaries clash.

Just another day in Sudan.

Shit, sorry. Wait a minute. This was in the United States.

Got my failed states mixed up.

Helloooo Newman: Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls

Helloooo Newman: Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls: A recent poll on the Covid death toll finds that 57% of Republicans think the current number of dead is acceptable. The other 43% feel it sh...

Ask Not For Whom the Death Tolls

A recent poll on the Covid death toll finds that 57% of Republicans think the current number of dead is acceptable. The other 43% feel it should be higher.

Helloooo Newman: Car Food

Helloooo Newman: Car Food: Bought some wings from the grocery store and by the time I got home they were all ready to eat out of the trunk of my car. Must be hot out.

Car Food

Bought some wings from the grocery store and by the time I got home they were all ready to eat out of the trunk of my car. Must be hot out.

Helloooo Newman: Steppe

Helloooo Newman: Steppe:  What happens if I take my step counter to the Eurasian Steppe?

Steppe

 What happens if I take my step counter to the Eurasian Steppe?

Helloooo Newman: Books on Tape

Helloooo Newman: Books on Tape: As if duct tape didn't have enough useful uses, you can now buy books on duct tape. That's right. Read Jane Eyre on duct tape and t...

Books on Tape

As if duct tape didn't have enough useful uses, you can now buy books on duct tape.

That's right. Read Jane Eyre on duct tape and then fix the cracked toilet seat.

A great world…getting better.

Helloooo Newman: I'm So Tired

Helloooo Newman: I'm So Tired:  I'm so tired I need other people to nap for me.

I'm So Tired

 I'm so tired I need other people to nap for me.

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxer

Helloooo Newman: Anti-Vaxxer: From the man who poisons his enemies around the world, V. Putin, comes a covid vaccine to save your life. Suddenly I'm an anti-vaxxer.

Anti-Vaxxer

From the man who poisons his enemies around the world, V. Putin, comes a covid vaccine to save your life.

Suddenly I'm an anti-vaxxer.

Helloooo Newman: Mount Rush Me Outta Here

Helloooo Newman: Mount Rush Me Outta Here: Upon hearing that it's been suggested President Trump have his face carved into the solid granite of Mount Rushmore, the four famous fac...

Mount Rush Mortified

Upon hearing that it's been suggested President Trump have his face carved into the solid granite of Mount Rushmore, the four famous faces have demanded to be moved.

In their desperation to leave the landmark mountain, the four President's have begun to cry human tears, and won't stop until moved to a better location. Scientists fear that the acidity of human tears will wear away at the granite, causing acne, rosacea and pock marks, possibly looking worse than Keith Richards.

Said Abe Lincoln: Look, I appreciate the honour. Freeing the slaves was really hard, even though many Republicans still yearn for those days. But I've had it with this Trump thing. Put me on a PEZ dispenser if you have to. I'll take a bobblehead. Maybe a door knocker. Just get me outta here.

Safety First

We at Helloooo Newman want you to know that your safety is our top concern. Normally it would be money, but we don't make any.

As such, we only write covid-free articles. You should also read 6 feet from your screen, have a mask on, a bottle of bleach handy and a hypodermic needle. You cannot come into our house and read articles. We have a drive-thru for desperate people, but you'll have to explain to all the traffic why you're stopping. Speak into our tree.

We want you to know that we are all in this together. That means if you see us on the street, stay the fuck away.

Like all difficult times, this too shall pass. However, my readership is way up, so…well, go, vaccine, go.

Remember, after every storm comes a rainbow. Unless it's a huge flood and tornado, and then probably it's a rainbow trout in your living room.

Helloooo Newman: Safety First

Helloooo Newman: Safety First: We at Helloooo Newman want you to know that your safety is our top concern. Normally it would be money, but we don't make any. As such,...

Helloooo Newman: Musketeers No More

Helloooo Newman: Musketeers No More: They're not happy with it, but until everyone gets the vaccine, they are willing to go by the Three Masketeers.

Musketeers No More

They're not happy with it, but until everyone gets the vaccine, they are willing to go by the Three Masketeers.

Bucket List

I like to put really dangerous activities on my bucket list. Makes me feel alive.

This week's challenge: getting a haircut.

Helloooo Newman: Bucket List

Helloooo Newman: Bucket List: I like to put really dangerous activities on my bucket list. Makes me feel alive. This week's challenge: getting my haircut.

Helloooo Newman: Failed State

Helloooo Newman: Failed State: The WHO has declared the United States a failed state. Asks Roger Daltrey: Who the fuck are you?

Failed State

The WHO has declared the United States a failed state.

Asks Roger Daltrey: Who the fuck are you?

Helloooo Newman: The Second Coming

Helloooo Newman: The Second Coming: Donald Trump is in negotiations with Jesus Christ to delay the upcoming election along with the second coming. Jesus is totally on board wit...

The Second Coming

Donald Trump is in negotiations with Jesus Christ to delay the upcoming election along with the second coming. Jesus is totally on board with the delay, being the dictator he his. 

Said Jesus: "Not only will the election be rigged, so will my returning. You know how easy it is to buy a fake beard and nails for your hands? Fake coming, that's what that is. By the way, if I don't like what you did, you'll burn in hell. But I love you too."

Helloooo Newman: An American Education

Helloooo Newman: An American Education: So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis. Seems like a smart guy. Smarter th...

An American Education

So…there's this doctor on CNN. He was there to advise on how they should respond to the covid crisis.

Seems like a smart guy. Smarter than me, obviously. Perhaps I could get a Doctorate in Zythology (the study of beer), but even that's iffy. There'd be a lot of beer pressure to drink…beer.

This doctor is in his 70s, I would guess. When asked what he thought of the government's response to covid, he said, "Well, it reminds me of the three Ds. Distressing, depressing, and as we like to say in my family, D-U-M, DUM."

Now, I'm no Road's Scholar, as I've said. Not even a beaten-up-path Scholar or a back-alleyway-where-hookers-hang-out scholar.

But I'm smart enough to see dumb. 

Maybe he was thinking of "dum" or "dumdum" bullets. Those are bullets that explode on impact.

Now that's something every American can spell.

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid

Helloooo Newman: Comrade Covid: Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka a...

Comrade Covid

Vlad Putin just announced that Russia will have a covid vaccine for the world by August 10th. Coincidentally, Russia will run out of vodka at midnight on August 9th.

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus

Helloooo Newman: Democratic Virus: In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their suppor...

Democratic Virus

In a surprise announcement, the trillions of corona virus in the US will vote as a group for the democrats. Shocking, since all their support comes from Republican politicians.

Said 5 million virus, who represent the group: "Even we know how dangerous we are. You won't hear this on the news but we wear masks around each other. It's a no-brainer".

Republicans refuse to allow the virus to mail in their votes.

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In

Helloooo Newman: Fitting In: I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Fitting In

I've recently starting taking CBD oil just to fit in.

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot

Helloooo Newman: cognidiot: It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying thi...

cognidiot

It's certainly not for certain, but it seems more and more Americans would rather live than vote Republican. Scientists are studying this strange phenomenon.

At the same time he's calling for less covid testing, Donald Trump wants to ramp up cognitive testing. "We're the best cognitive testers in the world. There's nothing else like it anywhere." When asked how he did on his cognitive test, he answered, "I tested negative", presumably confusing it with a covid test. Trump suggests the cognitive test should demand the individual say "yo, stop or I'll shoot" backwards, forwards and holding an AR-15.

President Trump fully supports contact tracing. "Last week I traced a picture of an aircraft carrier. Very detailed. All those little planes and radars. Took 5 days. You could attack a country with this tracing. More people should do it."

The FBI has discovered that Mitch McConnell is hoarding potential covid vaccine in his neck. Mr. McConnell also has the distinction of being declared the whitest person in history.

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger

Helloooo Newman: The Masked Blogger: Finally, masks are mandatory. About time.  Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days. Some laughed. No more.

The Masked Blogger

Finally, masks are mandatory. About time. 

Pretty smart of me to keep my mask from SARS days.

Some laughed. No more.

One Small Step for Man

It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians.

Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone number) to buy beer now allows you to drink on a patio WITHOUT a child-proof fence surrounding you – protecting you from certain death.

That means people are drinking on…the streets.

Maybe some day the LCBO can be called what it really is…a LIQUOUR store.

Shhhhhhh.

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man

Helloooo Newman: One Small Step for Man: It's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Ontarians. Yes, the province that once required you to fill out a form (name and phone...

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy

Helloooo Newman: Free Energy: I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved. The second law of the...

Free Energy

I don't get why I have to conserve energy. The first law of thermodynamics tells us energy is already conserved.

The second law of thermodynamics tells us that entropy, or disorder, always increases. This explains the hair constantly growing in my ears and not on my head.

The third law is too confusing and I'm tired from thinking.

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter

Helloooo Newman: Bean Counter: I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink. People suck at m...

Bean Counter

I've never been a fan of predictions. They're like assholes. Everyone's got one, and the vast majority stink.

People suck at making accurate predictions. And you know who's the worst at predicting? Experts, believe it or not. Yup. Research shows that experts over-analyze and tend to discount the importance of random, out-of-the-blue events.

Having said all this, I'm kind of proud that I predicted a president of the United States would some day, from the Oval Office, peddle a can of beans with a huge smile on his leader-of-the-free-world face. 

It wasn't a perfect prediction. I wasn't sure which president, or which brand of beans. If I'm honest, I didn't even know the type of bean. No one can predict with that kind of accuracy. But somehow I just knew it was gonna happen.

Wait until you see what's coming next.

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding

Helloooo Newman: The Importance of Defunding: I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.

The Importance of Defunding

I wish people would gather in large groups and call for defunding my wife's VISA card.

Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World

Helloooo Newman: Weight of the World: Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me. Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket....

Weight of the World

Haven't slept very well for a while. Feel like I have the weight of the world on me.

Last night I realized it was my weighted blanket. I'm not carrying that burden anymore.

Sheets from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom

Helloooo Newman: Degrees of Freedom: Fuck it's hot out, ain't it? Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy. So I turned it down to 350. To...

Degrees of Freedom

Fuck it's hot out, ain't it?

Way too hot to cook bacon in a 400 degree oven. That would be crazy.

So I turned it down to 350. Took a bit longer but I'm willing to sacrifice.

Ah, freedom.

Helloooo Newman: White House

Helloooo Newman: White House: I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House, just like they've done in the US.

White House

I'm painting my outhouse at the cottage white and calling it the White House,
just like they've done in the US.

Helloooo Newman: Woke up, got out of bed

Helloooo Newman: Woke up, got out of bed: Is it possible to be a woke person and still nap all day?

Woke up, got out of bed

Is it possible to be a woke person and still nap all day?

Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard

Helloooo Newman: Fatherboard: How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father? As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father...

Fatherboard

How come computers only come with a motherboard? Where's the father?

As my parents said, every good computer needs a mother and a father.

I'm selling computers with a motherboard and fatherboard (also called a parentsboard). Whenever the computer has a query, it first sends a message to the fatherboard and the fatherboard says, "ask your mother."

Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son

Helloooo Newman: Godzilla's Son: Why haven't we heard from Godzilla's son, Jesuszilla? It's time he came back.

Godzilla's Son

Why haven't we heard from Godzilla's son, Jesuszilla? It's time he came back.

Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God

Helloooo Newman: Breaking Up With God: True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God. Not Quite True Story: Here's his convers...

Breaking Up With God

True Story: The lead singer of a Christian Rock group announces he no longer believes in God.

Not Quite True Story: Here's his conversation with God

Rock Star: Hey God, I don't believe in you anymore.

God: Really? I didn't notice.

Rock Star: You didn't notice my lack of faith?

God: Honestly, no. It's been a busy last few months up here.

Rock Star: How can you say that? I've been tearing apart every cell in my body struggling with this. I could barely sing your glorious songs on stage without feeling massive existential angst. Did you not realize my Bible has been gathering dust under a stack of comic books for a year?

God: You don't say. I knew I should have added pictures. By the way, some of your songs are a little over-produced.

Rock Star: Ya, you're right. They wouldn't listen to me. "We're following God's will", they said.

God: I don't manage bands. Hey, have you met Bono?

Rock Star: No.

God: Damn. Seems like a neat guy. Always trying to save the world. Of course, I overlook that he hides his money in other countries to save taxes. We all pay in the end.

Rock Star: Where do I go now? What's my path? My journey?

God: Don't look at me. Here's an idea. Maybe you're confusing lack of faith with lack of a successful career.

Rock Star: Huh?

God: Believe in yourself. Forget about me. I'm doing fine.

Rock Star: And that means…

God: Who are you talking to right now?

Rock Star: You.

God: You sure?

Rock Star: Are you trying to send me a message?

God: No, I'm trying to get back to work. Now run along and think about what I said.

Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles

Helloooo Newman: Tiny Bubbles: Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my ...

Tiny Bubbles

Isn't it exciting that we're moving to stage 2? Something about bubbles. I can take a bubble bath with 10 friends. Wasn't on my list of things to enjoy, but now that I'm allowed to, why not?


Just as I was fitting my tenth friend into my friend bubble, someone came along and burst my bubble. My friends fell out and died from head wounds.


The media keeps telling me to get out of my bubble. Learn about the world and people. Now I'm suppose to create a bubble and get in it with ten friends. Confusing.

Helloooo Newman: Warp Core

Helloooo Newman: Warp Core: I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.

Warp Core

I've been doing exercises to strengthen my core and realized Picard ejected my core years ago.

Helloooo Newman: How Come?

Helloooo Newman: How Come?: How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together" ? Why not one and one? It&#39...

How Come?

How come when someone figures something difficult out, they've always put "two and two together"? Why not one and one? It's easier math. I think way back when they invented math, someone was showing their addition skills off. I usually put pi and ice cream together. Much more rewarding.


How come half and half cream isn't called whole cream? Two halves make a whole, no? Lousy math.


How come we don't pronounce it zedbra in Canada?


How come we still call it mileage? 

How come when someone says something, we say it came from their lips. "From her lips came the words "I love you". No way. Came from her voice box, which travels along her vocal tract, a complicated system that pushes air to make sound and also involves the larynx, pharynx, mouth and nasal cavity. The lips are minimally involved, and only at the last second. The only thing that actually comes from her lips is lipstick, and you better not let your wife see it.

Helloooo Newman: Gifs

Helloooo Newman: Gifs: This year I'm getting everyone I've ever met a Christmas gif.

Gifs

This year I'm getting everyone I've ever met a whole bunch of Christmas gifs.

Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants

Helloooo Newman: Smart Plants: Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures. The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water ...

Smart Plants

Plants – or at least the ones I buy – are incredibly smart creatures.

The plants I buy can tell the difference between genuine rain water and when I'm watering them with a hose. They know the real stuff. They hate the fake stuff. That's the only reasonable explanation for why every plant that's every been in my company has died a prompt death.

When I water a plant, the plant says (or thinks, since I've never heard them talk) "ha, Paul has the hose on us again. Thinks it will keep us alive. We'll show him."

And then they die. It's mean of them. I have to drink water from a tap. I don't always run out and open my mouth when it's raining to get me daily 7 glasses. Why can't plants do the same?

I once had a cactus and the instructions said don't over-water. So I didn't over-water. Thing died in about 2 weeks. Left a note saying "you didn't water me enough."

Give me a break. But what a smart cactus.

Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend

Helloooo Newman: Urban Legend: Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.

Urban Legend

Why aren't there rural legends. I've met a lot of creepy people in a rural setting, and they didn't all play the banjo.

Helloooo Newman: Uncola

Helloooo Newman: Uncola: These times are so unprecedented that I have a craving for the uncola.

Uncola

These times are so unprecedented that I have a craving for the uncola.

Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times

Helloooo Newman: Unprecedented Times: These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last  unprecedented times.

Unprecedented Times

These unprecedented times are actually un-unprecedented times, just like the last 

unprecedented times.

Helloooo Newman: Recession

Helloooo Newman: Recession: What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession. Can I take anti-recessants?...

Recession

What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession.

Can I take anti-recessants?

Helloooo Newman: Power Paul

Helloooo Newman: Power Paul: The world needs me. I'm going into Paulitics.

Power Paul

The world needs me.

I'm going into Paulitics.

Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable

Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable: The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics. It turns out that Kim ...

Kim Jong-un believeable

The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics.

It turns out that Kim cannot, after all, bend time and space. Interestingly though, he can bend a 260 mile Twinkie and insert it in his mouth. That's the length of the Korean DMZ and Kim's ego.

Upon hearing this, the song Break it to Them Gently came to mind. By Burton Cummings. There's also a song by Brenda Lee called Break it to Me Gently, which would do fine too, but kind of before my time.

I really wish they would have properly prepared the world for this startling news. You can't just go and break illusions like that and expect things to go on like tickety-boo.

To quote the regime: Kim cannot disappear, bend space and reappear somewhere else. That's impossible."

The real scandal is that they are wrong about this. General Relativity does, indeed, predict wormholes, which would allow you to travel huge distances in a short time by warping space. Keep in mind that space warps in the presence of a huge mass, like Kim's stomach. Of course, you need to build an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which I'm told doesn't come cheap, and you can't even drive your car over it. It would cost way more to build than the Chunnel did, and at the end of it you can't buy a freshly baked croissant.

But just imagine, in the morning you can get from your bed to the coffee maker instantly. Not quite fast enough for me, but it'll have to do.

Maybe Kim is short-selling himself. Has he ever tried travelling through a wormhole? He is, after all, Rocket Man. Would he fit in one? What would it do to his hair?

Important questions that science needs to answer.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister: Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.

Pandemic Twister

Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.

Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut

Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut: I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.

Golf Nut

I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Masked Singer

Helloooo Newman: Masked Singer: Watch out for the new show The N95 Masked Singer .

Masked Singer

Watch out for the new show The N95 Masked Singer.

Helloooo Newman: Flies me to the Moon

Helloooo Newman: Flies me to the Moon: I hope the black flies have read about social distancing.

Flies me to the Moon

I hope the black flies have read about social distancing.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery: People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.

Pandemic Surgery

People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.

Helloooo Newman: Beefs

Helloooo Newman: Beefs: Now that I'm a vegetarian, I have to give up all my beefs about the world.

Beefs

Now that I'm a vegetarian, I have to give up all my beefs about the world.

Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets

Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets: Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down ...

Murder Hornets

Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down to class-bee misdemeanors.

Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours

Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours: I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or ...

Visiting Hours

I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or maybe it would be a better visit that way.

What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.

I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.

Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.

I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.

Sigh. I miss having people over.

Helloooo Newman: Back in Black

Helloooo Newman: Back in Black: There he goes with black face again. When will he learn?

Back in Black

There he goes with black face again. When will he learn?

Fighting Spirit

For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies.

Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.

Sorry. Facebook.

Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit

Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit: For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies. Finally, Facebook is useful.

Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure

Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure: Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox New...

Covid Cure

Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox News for an hour. Same effect. No needles.

Helloooo Newman: No Warning

Helloooo Newman: No Warning: If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, perhaps I'm doing them a favour by no...

No Warning

If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, am I really doing them a favour by warning them?

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand: God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand.

Die and Go to New Zealand

God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand,
and there's limited space.

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense: I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Future Tense

I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine: I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time. ...

Dry Quarantine

I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time.

It wasn't explained why he gave up his job as a standup comedian, but he's clearly very good at it. Especially these days we could all use a good laugh.

Quarantine advisor? Not so much.

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks: New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nic...

Pull Up Your Socks

New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nice socks and lower his salary.

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits: First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

If The Sock Fits

First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist: I miss my dentist. The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Ans...

I Miss My Dentist

I miss my dentist.

The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Answering questions with mmmmmfhgmmfmmhgfdm.

I use to want to instill in her the pain she so effortlessly cast upon me. Imagine Lord Voldemort with a dental degree. Now she's a long lost love. Imagine The Notebook. (Unfortunately, I'm not Ryan Gosling)

How can it be I was so lucky to get out? Now I'm doing everything possible to qualify for emergency dental care and visit someone without getting a socializing ticket. Timbits chased with coke.

I need to feel something. I need pain. Can you drill just a bit deeper? I don't wanna go home.

I miss my mechanic, too. He rotates my tires as I rotate my credit cards to pay for it. I need a new engine? Fine. Just please take 12 hours to do it. I don't wanna go home.

Other fun things I miss: lining up to renew my licence; buying my wife lady products; walking by Victoria's Secret and feigning disinterest; running into old high school friends; using a public washroom on the TTC.

I miss the good old days.

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded: This city is getting harder and harder to move around in. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and I see someone 4 kilometres away, h...

Overcrowded

This city is getting harder and harder to move around in.

Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and, using my peripherals, I spot someone 4 kilometres away, heading straight for me. Good thing I had quality binoculars to confirm the sighting.

Jesus, I thought. Not another person. Shoulder to shoulder again.

Give me some space, dude.

I had 1 kilometre to figure out how I was going to navigate this near miss. Now I know how the Captain of the Titanic felt.

Why don't they stay home like everyone else?

For a second. Even less than a second, really. I thought maybe I should play Covid chicken with them. See who blinks first and crosses the street. I decided it was too soon to do something like this.

Turns out it was a mirage, associated with spending long days at home watching plants grow and videos on how they actually manufacture toilet paper. (it's a really loooong roll that they chop into smaller rolls)

Still. Gettin' damn crowded.

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas: Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couc...

Entertaining Ideas

Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couch. How do I tell them they were terrible ideas?

I guess that's what I get for entertaining new ideas. Never again! I have lots of old ideas that I get along with really well. They're so predictable.

Oh sure, I might have a thought over for a short visit. Perhaps a notion, although I've rejected a lot of notions in the past. One time a concept came to visit, took some ecstasy and turned into reality. Scary.

Never have a brainstorm over for dinner. Very messy.

I once had a fling with an inkling, but it went nowhere.

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs: For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why. Sneezy is qua...

Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why.

Sneezy is quarantined and Doc is intubating him.

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin: The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?

Aretha Franklin

The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?

Helloooo Newman: Group Theory

Helloooo Newman: Group Theory: Please only congregate in groups of less than one person.

Group Theory

Please only congregate in groups of less than one person. 

Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper

Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper: I know, get to the chopper: Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:

Get to the Chopper

Get to the chopper, get to the chopper, but is it clean?:
Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time: 

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing

Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing: Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two ...

Social Long Distancing

Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two floors and 3 walls away, which has put me in the garage for the last two weeks.

Is that right?

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking

Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking: For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it che...

Essential Drinking

For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it cheaper.

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Quarantine: I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Quarantine

I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.

Let's not forget the J. Crew catalogue. It has an amazing Spring catalogue. Has a few sweater vests I have my eye on for those coldish Spring mornings. Paired with a snappy turtleneck, it's a killer wardrobe.

Things are looking up.

Helloooo Newman: Human Race

Helloooo Newman: Human Race: When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Human Race

When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date

Helloooo Newman: Blind Date: What happens when two blind people go on a date? Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to...

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy

Helloooo Newman: Emojincy: Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Emojincy

Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.

Helloooo Newman: Come Together

Helloooo Newman: Come Together: I like how this crisis is bringing people together, so long as they stay away from me.

Come Together

It's encouraging how this crisis is bringing people closer together,
so long as they stay 6 feet away from me.

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under

Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under: In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months. Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly w...

Six Feet Away, Not Under

In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months.

Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly will start with a $5000 stimulus package to get the game going. If you buy houses, shelter in place. If you buy hotels, lay everyone off and close them.

A new edition of Twister will be sold in which players stand 6 feet apart and twist each other's words.

Canada Geese flying home will be required to fly 6 feet apart. Hummingbirds, 6 centimetres apart.

The game Dominoes will no longer be sold, as the pieces must be kept 6 feet apart, and nothing interesting will occur.

Stay six feet away, not six feet under.

Helloooo Newman: End of Days

Helloooo Newman: End of Days: Is this virus the end of days? Really? Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sara...

End of Days

Is this virus the end of days? Really?

Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sarah Palin was one of the singers?

Hurry up and end the world.

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything

Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything: I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerne...

Washing My Hands of Everything

I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerned. We just may be the only intelligent life in the universe, and we need videos to teach people how to wash their hands.

You want people to learn how to wash their hands? Take away the toilet paper. Everyone can wipe their ass with their hands. People will learn very quickly how to properly wash their hands.

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19

Helloooo Newman: Covid-19: Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Covid-19

Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic: It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious ...

Pandemic

It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious symptoms.

Even the WHO agrees, although Roger Daltrey is a dissenter.

It's official. CNN is a pandemic.

Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names

Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names: I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds , the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate n...

Unfortunate Names

I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds, the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate name.

Be careful what you name your product. Or your kids.

Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy

Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy: STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a bottle for Purell for $1,000.

The Coronavirus Economy

STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a free bottle for Purell for $1,000.

Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story

Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story: There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick. Let me speak for all men. ...

A Touching Story

There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick.

Let me speak for all men.

There are two places on my body I love to touch, and one of them is my face. If I can't touch that, then…

Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus

Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus: Doctors discover that you can get the coronavirus from watching news coverage about it.

Coronavirus

Doctors discover that you can get the coronavirus from watching news coverage about it.

Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style

Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style: Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to he...

Prison, Hollywood Style

Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to hearing will have slightly different meanings.

Climax – you'll probably be too nervous to achieve this, but other inmates certainly will

Best boy – this will be your best boyfriend

Back story – the story you'll tell the doctor after weeks of anal sex

Bit parts – inmate's description of your nether region

Casting couch – will now be a casting bunk, or casting shower

Deadpan – with the shape you're in, this will be a bed pan

Foil – the drug packaging other inmates will ask you to stick up your ass

Gross – the food, the conditions, your life

Grindhouse film – self-explanatory

Juxtaposition – the favourite sexual position of death row inmates

Oscar bait – will now be jail bait

Sleeper – something you will never do

Tour de force – as you tour the prison you will be forced to have sex

Good luck!

Helloooo Newman: Tommy

Helloooo Newman: Tommy: This is Sammy and Angus. They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot bette...

Tommy

This is Sammy and Angus.

They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot better looking.

Angus, on the left, is blind. Sammy is deaf. Next weekend we are performing the rock opera Tommy to a live audience.

That's right. I'm the dumb one.

Just a few kinks to work out on the show, like not pooing during the pinball scene.

If you come to the show and you order popcorn, just make sure that really is butter on it.

Helloooo Newman: Enterprise

Helloooo Newman: Enterprise: The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are...

Enterprise

The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are waiting, you can say, "Going sideways".

Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television

Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television: Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years. We know th...

Breakfast Television

Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years.

We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.

Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.

One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.

Did they have Cave Television?

Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.

Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.

Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.

There's nothing like heat for staying warm.

They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.

Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.

Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.

Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show

Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show: This is Bess , who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog w...

Bess In Show

This is Bess, who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog would want to leave that place. Gorgeous weather 24/7, don't pay any taxes – who needs that? I call it a dognapping, not a rescue.

Anyway, we board Bess for two reasons. Her owners go away occasionally, and she has a nasty coke habit that we're trying to coach her through. Here we caught her doing lines on our nice rug. Obviously she practices her "who me?" innocent face as often as she can. She lost half the coke in the rug fibers. Dumb dog. I told her to use the floor next time.

I'm currently sifting through the vacuum bag to find the coke so I can sell it.

She's an ex-drug sniffing dog and apparently I constantly have drugs in my crotch and up my butt.

She hopes to win Bess in Show some day – drug-free

Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama

Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama: The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people click...

Weather Drama

The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people clicking on their site.

Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.

So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?

Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:

Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.

This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)

Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.

This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.

Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance

Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance: I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and...

Afterlife Insurance

I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and 3 very hot meals a day.

Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test

Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test: I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test....

Hearing Test

I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test.