Thursday 6 August 2020

Safety First

We at Helloooo Newman want you to know that your safety is our top concern. Normally it would be money, but we don't make any.

As such, we only write covid-free articles. You should also read 6 feet from your screen, have a mask on, a bottle of bleach handy and a hypodermic needle. You cannot come into our house and read articles. We have a drive-thru for desperate people, but you'll have to explain to all the traffic why you're stopping. Speak into our tree.

We want you to know that we are all in this together. That means if you see us on the street, stay the fuck away.

Like all difficult times, this too shall pass. However, my readership is way up, so…well, go, vaccine, go.

Remember, after every storm comes a rainbow. Unless it's a huge flood and tornado, and then probably it's a rainbow trout in your living room.