Climate scientists have discovered that not only is the earth heating up, but Hell is getting hotter too.
As of the last four seconds, Hell has gone from 4,563°F to 5,695°F. At this heat, all the Devil's Lego voodoo dolls of Jesus have melted. The Lego movie is the Devil's favourite.
Said the Devil: It's very hard finding good people to fill torturing jobs in this kind of heat. Plus with the minimum wage increase, I can't afford paid breaks or insurance to cover fourth degree burns. Add into that the #Mesinnedtoo movement and I have depraved women demanding equal recognition. They're marching on a bed of hot coals this weekend. Things are really heating up here.
I'm trying to get my house re-shingled. Try finding a good roofer in this heat. Down the street The Shape of Water was playing but the entire movie boiled away before I could watch it. I was pissed because the starring creature is my 3rd cousin twice removed from a Republican think tank.
Things are so hot the ice caps at the local Starbucks are melting fast. Of course there's a Starbucks in Hell. On the cup they write your name and one of yours sins. "Jessica-said no to a hose job from the duct cleaning man". For an extra jolt, instead of espresso beans they pour scalding coffee on your groin and separate your jaw. "I'll have the lap cap, please".
The Devil Continued: It's too hot for people to scream. If people aren't screaming in pain, I'm not doing my job properly.
The Devil has taken extreme measures to mitigate the situation.
He's inked a deal in blood with Tesla to provide electric torture tools instead of the traditional coal-fired hot poker. He calls it his First Teslament.
From now on, pictures of Michelle Obama's icy scowl at Donald Trump's swearing in will be mandatory above every bed of nails, to cool things down. Believe it or not, I feel the same way about Mr. Trump, said the Devil.
If things don't cool off soon, the Devil expressed sadly, Hell will have to be relocated to somewhere very cold, like Kellyanne Conway's bedroom.
The Devil, One More Time: I should have listened to Ali Gore (no relation) when she told me, "It's hotter than Hell down here."
