Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better

Helloooo Newman: Earlier is Better: It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists. Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile o...

Earlier is Better

It's interesting how we often prefer the earlier works of successful artists.

Woody Allen's earlier movies were funnier. Exile on Main St. is often considered the Stones best album, released in 1972.

Same with Mozart. I prefer the music he wrote when he was 6 hours old and still having that goop washed off him. Especially the Umbilical Overture, where the baby screaming takes over from the French horns.

His work was kind of down hill from there, and I don't really care for anything past the age of 8.

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Lying: I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, a...

Sleep Lying

I've been diagnosed with sleep lying. I lie down in my sleep. The doctor said it's very important not to disturb me in this state, as I could hurt myself.

I also talk in my sleep, but everything I say is a lie.

Sleep lying. It's the truth.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I wonder if rats complain about the human race.

Wit Bit

I wonder if rats complain about the human race.

Helloooo Newman: Silver Tsunami

Helloooo Newman: Silver Tsunami: It's called the silver tsunami . The aging lump of people moving through society like a python digesting an elk. Soon the population wil...

Silver Tsunami

It's called the silver tsunami. The aging lump of people moving through society like an elk snaking through a python's digestive tract. Soon the population will be an average age of dead.

And yet we have stores called Forever 21.

How about Forever Wheelchair Ramp. Forever Hemorrhoids. Forever Funerals.

Forever 21. That just hurts!

Helloooo Newman: We're All iPhones

Helloooo Newman: We're All iPhones: So. Apple slows down older iPhones on purpose. People, God has been doing this to older version humans since forever.

We're All iPhones

So. Apple slows down older iPhones on purpose.

People, God has been doing this to older version humans since forever.

Perhaps we never should have taken a bite of the Apple.

Helloooo Newman: The Sleep Inn

Helloooo Newman: The Sleep Inn: I'm starting a motel called the Sleep Inn . You can't wake up before noon. If you do, it costs more. Ativan is available (at an en...

The Sleep Inn

I'm starting a motel called the Sleep Inn.

You can't wake up before noon. If you do, it costs more. Ativan is available (at an enormous price) in the lobby if needed.

Checkout time is 2:55 a.m., just before mandatory bedtime, 3:00 a.m.

Please do no, under any circumstances, wake up the staff.

Have a nice stay. Go back to bed.

Helloooo Newman: Selfie Help

Helloooo Newman: Selfie Help: It's something we all struggle with. Taking the perfect selfie. It's harder than it looks. Which side of me looks better? What ...

Selfie

It's something we all struggle with.

Taking the perfect selfie.

It's harder than it looks. Which side of me looks better? What kind of lighting? Shot angle. Location. Expression. Smiling? Frowning? Miley Cyrus tongue?

Photography has never been so in-depth.

Never again will you hire a professional photographer to shoot your selfie.

Buy my Selfie Help Book. Take the perfect selfie. Every time. All by yourself.

It's the only book in the Selfie Help section of your book store.

And when you have too many selfies to store on your phone?

Try my Selfie Storage units.

Helloooo Newman: Self Help Book

Helloooo Newman: Self Help Book: I helped myself to a self help book. Sure, the cops called it shoplifting.

Self Help Book

I helped myself to a self help book. Sure, the cops called it shoplifting.

Helloooo Newman: Sealy Sleeper

Helloooo Newman: Sealy Sleeper: Whoever thought that water would make a good mattress to sleep on? Is it not enough that I'm suppose to drink 9 swimming pools of water ...

Sealy Sleeper

Whoever thought that water would make a good mattress to sleep on? Is it not enough that I'm suppose to drink 9 swimming pools of water a day? Then I'm gonna lie down on water and fall asleep – no – it's The Perfect Storm in bed. And I don't get the girl.

I once had a girlfriend with a waterbed. I woke up one night and my back was killing me. It was a full moon. The tide went out and all the water was on her side. I was sleeping on cigarette butts and the bones of ex-boyfriends.

If I am going to sleep on a liquid, make it beer, with a tap. Molson mattress. Twenty four individually-pocketed beers.

Nope. I'm strictly a sealy sleeper.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Ghosts

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Ghosts: We have the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Why can't we have the ghost of Christmas shopping? "Here's my li...

Christmas Ghosts

We have the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Why can't we have the ghost of Christmas shopping?

"Here's my list. Don't pay retail for anything. Wash your hair. You're scaring everyone. And no shoplifting this year. It's still wrong, even if you're dead."

Helloooo Newman: Sock Puller

Helloooo Newman: Sock Puller: I've tried pulling my socks up, in hopes of getting myself to work harder, but it hasn't worked. I'm still as lazy as ever, b...

Sock Puller

I've tried pulling my socks up, in hopes of getting myself to work harder, but it hasn't worked. I'm still as lazy as ever, but now people make fun of me. Especially in the summer.

"Hey doofus, why are your socks up to your knees?"

"I'm getting stuff done!"

Helloooo Newman: Star Bores

Helloooo Newman: Star Bores: Star Wars never really satisfied me as a movie franchise. I think it was that Luke and Yoda never had a sexual relationship. I really tho...

Star Bores

Star Wars never really satisfied me as a movie franchise. I think it was that Luke and Yoda never had a sexual relationship. I really thought the movie was going in that direction.

"Do me or do not me, there is no try."

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm writing an autobiography about God.

Wit Bit

I'm writing an autobiography about God.

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes

Helloooo Newman: Four Eyes: You never hear "four eyes" as an insult anymore. I used it all the time in grade school. That was until a guy named Morgan, who...

Four Eyes

You never hear "four eyes" as an insult anymore.

I used it all the time in grade school. That was until a guy named Morgan, who I teased to no end, had a short convo with my teeth. I developed an instant lisp, and guess who was teased for 6 months straight.

"Four eyes" just doesn't carry heft anymore. I blame it on the widespread use of contacts. How can you call someone four eyes when their "glasses" are the same size as their cornea?

"Hey, four corneas, nice contacts."

Nope. Doesn't deliver quite the same punch.

Helloooo Newman: Odd Jobs

Helloooo Newman: Odd Jobs: Sometimes I like to think about jobs that I would never, ever consider doing. Jobs that are crazy stupid, as jobs go. One of them is ...

Odd Jobs

Sometimes I like to think about jobs that I would never, ever consider doing. Jobs that are crazy stupid, as jobs go.

One of them is working for those tree cutting companies. Not the ones with the cherry picker that raises someone high enough to cut branches. That's kind of civilized. I mean the insane practice of people climbing and hanging from a tree via a complicated rope system while holding a working chainsaw, probably having a cigarette in the mouth, and dismantling the very thing that's holding them up.

Will people do anything? I couldn't possibly do a job where every day is a Tom Cruise movie. Only I'm not nearly as hot.

"Ya, I do my own stunts at work. I particularly like working with 500 pound logs that are out to kill me. I get goosebumps. Too bad there's no Oscars for Arborists."

Pretty much the only thing I like to hold that has fast-moving metal parts is my razor. Maybe an electric carving knife around Thanksgiving. Did you know there are 30,000 chainsaw accidents a year in the U.S., many life-threatening? Why don't we need a licence to use one of these monsters? It's a gun with moving teeth.

I'm more suited for finger-climbing a Bonsai tree using some string and a nail trimmer. No stunt double needed.

And then there's writing. Oh God, writing. Very dangerous.

Is it just me?

Helloooo Newman: Blurds

Helloooo Newman: Blurds: The English language excels at creating words that blur comprehension. Fuzzy words. Words that blur comprehension are called  blurds . ...

Blurds

The English language excels at creating words that blur comprehension. Fuzzy words. Words that blur comprehension are called blurds.

Case in point: Refresh

"Hey, you must have had a great sleep. You look so refreshed."

Now, how can I wake up in the morning and be re-freshed? The question is, when was I first "freshed"? When did the "freshing" begin, when did it stop, and when did it start again, thereby introducing the "re" part of refreshed?

See my point?

This is how it should work – in the morning, you look "freshed" for that day. Then you work all day for some scumbag sucking dufus bag boss, who wears you down like a pile of new dollar bills soaked in your own sweat for 8 months and then tumbled in a hot clothes dryer for 7 weeks. So you go bitchy-drinking with your co-workers, and you become re-freshed.

Refesh is a blurd.

There are many. Retard is one of them. When was I first tarded, and what does it mean to be tarded? Beats me.

What if I am tardy all the time. Am I retardy? No! Doesn't exist.

Confused? Keep an eye out for blurds.

Helloooo Newman: Phrases

Helloooo Newman: Phrases: Why do we call really late at night the "wee morning hours" ? First of all, the word "wee" suggests a size. Time has n...

Phrases

Why do we call really late at night the "wee morning hours"?

First of all, the word "wee" suggests a size. Time has no size. It has a duration. "Wee" could apply to the size of a man's penis, but not to the time he can sustain an erection (assuming no drugs).

I stayed up late one night and timed the "wee morning hours". They were just as long as all the other hours, including the hour it takes to explain to my wife why her new black blouse is now orange and black and will make a great Halloween costume.

"I stayed up until the early morning hours and now I'm dog tired."

That suffices as a description, thank you.

Helloooo Newman: Re-Gift

Helloooo Newman: Re-Gift: Last year I regifted a pair of prescription glasses I received. This year I'm regifting any footwear I get. And dog toys. If someone doe...

Re-Gift

Last year I regifted a pair of prescription glasses I received. This year I'm regifting any footwear I get. And dog toys. If someone doesn't have a dog, they'll just have to get one if they want to enjoy the gift.

I like regifting because, as a child, I wasn't gifted. I was regifted.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bits: My life has been all about heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel, but someone turned it out because of the skyrocketing hydro co...

Wit Bits

My life has been all about heading toward the light at the end of the tunnel, but someone turned it out because of the skyrocketing hydro costs. This would be a good time to have excellent tunnel vision, but people say it's bad to suffer from tunnel vision.


Believe it or not, a quick snack for me is eating peanut butter (Adam's) out of a jar and then having a few pickles. I can't do it too often or my breast milk starts coming in.


When people bother me with petty problems, I never say, "I don't care, I've got bigger fish to fry." I don't like fish, especially when it tastes like fish. I say "pork chops" or "lamb chops". Then I get hungry and make some pork chops. That keeps me busy, so I can't worry about petty problems.

Helloooo Newman: Factory Settings

Helloooo Newman: Factory Settings: There's nothing quite like a refreshingly long, deep sleep. People ask me why I like to sleep so much. I'll tell you why I like to...

Factory Settings

There's nothing quite like a refreshingly long, deep sleep.

People ask me why I like to sleep so much. I'll tell you why I like to sleep so much.

When I wake up, I look in the mirror and in my eyeballs appear the following words: all user settings for this brain have reset to the factory default. 

It's a fresh start to my life. Like driving a brand new car for the first time – every day. I can set things the way I want them. I can program the seat to a 21 degree backwards incline. I can set the radio buttons 1 through 6 to my favourite stations – death metal. The cruise control can kick in once I reach 180 kph. But I do this for my brain instead of a car.

You should try sleeping as much as I do. It works.

Helloooo Newman: Don't Copy This Blog

Helloooo Newman: Don't Copy This Blog: Whenever someone copies what I'm doing, I never know whether to use the phrase "copy cat" or "monkey see, monkey do&qu...

Don't Copy This Blog

Whenever someone copies what I'm doing, I never know whether to use the phrase "copy cat" or "monkey see, monkey do".

I can't find any rules around this issue. Maybe if I'm engaged in simian behaviour, like sitting on a leather sofa smoking a cigar and pondering the future – and someone copies me – I should go with monkeys.

If I'm licking myself, I'll use "copy cat".

If I had a great mind, I would go with "great minds think alike".

I think "fools seldom differ" works better in my case.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion

Helloooo Newman: Christmas Confusion: I wonder if you could help me. My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas. She yelled a store name at me from downsta...

Christmas Confusion

I wonder if you could help me.

My wife wants something re-hee-hee-hee-ally special this xmas.

She yelled a store name at me from downstairs while she was doing laundry. I was freakin' absorbed in a great game of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy on tv (sometimes called football), sinkin' a few beers and shouting, "She's with me!"

Louis Futon?

Have you heard of this place? Can't find it anywhere.

I honestly don't know why she wants a futon. We have a sexy queen-sized piece of memory foam that never forgets me. We're on a first name basis, and she knows all my secrets.

Looks like another year of Bed Bath & Beyond.

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor

Helloooo Newman: God's Editor: The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change. At first I thought it was a typo, but surely God w...

God's Editor

The Pope, God's official editor, has decided the Lord's Prayer needs a change.

At first I thought it was a typo in the prayer, but surely God wins every spelling bee He enters.

The word is "encomium".

God: Can you use it in a sentence, please? Oh wait, you're talking about ME, right?

If the Lord's Prayer needs a redo, that means one of two things: With this change, it will now be the true official word of God, and for centuries it's been wrong – OR – it's been right all this time, and now the Pope is ruining it.

Which is it? How can I now trust anything I read in the Good Book? This is an egregious mistake. There's never been one change to any of Chuck Norris's books. He gets it right the first time. And God can't?

I feel lost.

Helloooo Newman: Stranger House

Helloooo Newman: Stranger House: I just realized that my house is the Upside Down.

Stranger House

I just realized that my house is the Upside Down.

Especially my daughter's room.

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want

Helloooo Newman: What Women Want: Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference. As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms,...

What Women Want

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to the first annual What Women Want Conference.

As you've all sworn on your conference pre-check forms, you are the group of men who believe it's fine and dandy to touch a woman's breasts in a variety of circumstances – when you first meet her, when a photo is taken, or at work in your private office.

Most of all, you are perplexed as to why women don't enjoy this "playful" behaviour as much as you do. You enjoy it so much that you somehow forget all the times you've done it in the past, which is weird.

You are the men who know What Women Want.

Today's seminar will take a closer look at What Women Want with a fun PowerPoint presentation.

PowerPoint. Because men have all the power. That's the point!

The scenario: You are a celebrity who is use to getting everything he wants. You are a man, who is also use to getting everything he wants. You are about to take a photo with one of your adoring fans.

Let's begin.

Cue music: The first thing you will notice is that we are not playing stripper music. This signals to you that when you meet a woman for the first time, she doesn't want to give you a table dance or hear about your masturbatory habits.

Slide 1: You are having your photo taken with a women you just met. You shake hands. Pretty simple, or so it seems.

Slide 2: Let's focus in on the woman's face. We are looking for signs that she is dying for you to grab her breast as the photo is snapped. What can we see? Hmmm. No obvious clues. She's smiling, but that could easily be a "nice to meet you" smile. Is there a glint, or a glimmer in her eye? Check for glint and glimmer. Also for a sparkle, or a twinkle. It could be a shimmer, or a wink. Something that tells you, and only you, her day is drab until you swaddle her mams. Looks like it's just the camera lights reflecting off her cornea. Oh well. Let's keep searching.

Slide 3: Zoom in to the handshake. Here we are looking for a secret note the woman might pass to you, saying something like, "It would be coolio if, just as the photo were snapped, you grabbed my breast. Don't worry, I won't snap at you." No note. Maybe she asks for her breasts to be fondled so often that she has "Please grope my breast" tattooed on the palm of her hand. Nope. The palms are only nervous and sweaty.

Slide 4: Don't forget the clothes. Clothes make the man. They also make the woman – a harlot? Depends on the signal she is sending. This woman falls somewhere between Maria from The Sound of Music and Miley Cyrus from her Wrecking Ball video. She's sending mixed signals. Or, maybe, there's no signal. She's wearing what she felt like wearing that day, just like you did.

Slide 5: The photo is about to be snapped. The excitement builds. Lights are flashing. Reflecting off umbrellas. The photographer shouts out suggestions. None of those suggestions include, "Hey dude, make her smile. Grab her breast." Instead, he takes a picture of the two of you sitting beside each other, like adults.

Slide 6: The shoot is over and everyone goes home.

"Over? But. But. I didn't grab her breast. I enjoy grabbing breasts, and she wanted me to."

Exam time. Grab your pens. No, not your… Your PENS. Poor babies. You just imagined the "i".

Please write a one word essay, answering the following question: Do Women Really Want Me to Grab Their Breast?

Good luck, men!

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question

Helloooo Newman: Powerful Question: I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Powerful Question

I wonder if these plugs still identify as male and female.

Helloooo Newman: Drolldrums

Helloooo Newman: Drolldrums: I have a repetitive awake injury

Drolldrums

I have a repetitive awake injury

Helloooo Newman: Stonehenge Deciphered

Helloooo Newman: Stonehenge Deciphered: The last thing people who study Stonehenge want you to think is that the structure represents a completely mundane, ordinary activity. If...

Stonehenge Deciphered

The last thing people who study Stonehenge want you to think is that the structure represents a completely mundane, ordinary activity. If you start thinking that, they are out of a job.

The job of figuring out what Stonehenge means is very similar to real estate, or stocks. It's all about speculation.

"I think Stonehenge is an ancient celestial observatory. That will be 1 million dollars, please."

Tv special after tv special make all kinds of crazy guesses. That's the beauty of studying ancient stuff. Who the hell knows?

My guess? It was a public washroom. Maybe the world's first, which is something to brag about, for sure. Plus they invented the individual stall, by standing up all those massive boulders.

My proof? People still use it as a washroom, which is why it's roped off to the public.

Maybe when the people from Easter Island came visiting, they expected to relieve themselves on some huge-ass rock. Reminded them of home.

My runner-up guess is a kind of pre-Jenga game. You know, before miniaturization came along. It took years to shrink the radio and put it in a car, or turn the telephone into an iPhone. Same with the board game. The big difference was if you lose the game, you get crushed to death.

The experts say it would have been really stupid to move those huge rocks around unless it were for some glorious, grand reason.

Really? First of all, everything was huge back then. Pyramids, plagues, empires.

Plus, we do all kinds of stupid things these days. Wouldn't it be entirely normal that people way back did stupid things too?

"You did what? Drag 10,000-pound boulders 100 miles to make a washroom? Just dig a hole, dude."

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: What is a  "watershed moment" ? More importantly then knowing what one is, do we really want more watershed moments? The last...

Wit Bit

What is a "watershed moment"?

More importantly then knowing what one is, do we really want more watershed moments?

The last time I peeked in my watershed at the cottage, I found 2 dead chipmunks, several forms of bacteria deadly to human life, a frisbee-sized dock spider nest, Jimmy Hoffa and my copy of Good Guys Wear Black by Chuck Norris. In hardcover.

Helloooo Newman: Christmas is Coming

Helloooo Newman: Christmas is Coming: Christmas is just around the corner. I'm talking about Christmas 2018. Christmas 2019 is around the corner and slightly down the stree...

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is just around the corner.

I'm talking about Christmas 2018. Christmas 2019 is around the corner and slightly down the street a bit, maybe about 2 of those sidewalk squares away. 2020 is down the street a bit further and hiding behind a coniferous, which costs $120, ready to pounce. Christmas' 2021-2350 are in a meeting, strategizing how they can show up earlier and get us to spend more. The rest of the Christmas', to infinity, are planning to take over the universe.

Helloooo Newman: Quick Quips

Helloooo Newman: Quick Quips: An optomemist is an optometrist who looks at everything in a positive light. And it's a really good light, so he doesn't hurt his e...

Quick Quips

An optomemist is an optometrist who sees everything in a positive light. And it's a really good light, so he doesn't hurt his eyes.

Helloooo Newman: Handel's Bottled Water

Helloooo Newman: Handel's Bottled Water: Are you bored by your regular, humdrum water? Are you too dumb for smart water? Are you too thin for diet water? Are you too fat f...

Handel's Bottled Water

Are you bored by your regular, humdrum water?

Are you too dumb, or smart, for smart water?

Are you too thin for diet water?

Are you too fat for fat water?

Does your water lack a certain…musicality?

Rest easy, thirsty one.

You can now drink Handel's Water Music Water from a bottle.

Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle (Trademarked, so hands off) hits all the right notes. It's the most musical water available.

Every time you open a bottle of Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle you will hear, and taste, Handel's beautiful composition. On some bottles (all bottles) we've experienced technical glitches, so it would good to have the actual music on hand just in case.

You can pour the water into a glass and the music keeps playing. You may even decide not to drink the delicious water because you are soaked up in the sounds of Handel. Don't wait too long. The sound quality, like the water, degrades with the buildup of bacteria – you want to avoid cholera, dysentery, and too much treble.

And the best part? Later on, when you pee the water out, the music plays again. As an early adopter of this wonderful technology, you should avoid public washrooms, since music coming from your crotch is kinda weird. But once everyone is drinking it, go ahead, have a concert in that stall.

It's not just water lovers that are gurgling the praises of Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle. The musical reviews are top-notch. Rolling Stone magazine calls it the best version of Handel's Water Music they have ever consumed. Pediatricians recommend you force-feed it to your baby because classical music makes little Billy smarter.

Handel's Water Music Water From a Bottle is playing at a store near you.

Helloooo Newman: My Writing Process

Helloooo Newman: My Writing Process: People often ask me what my writing process involves. Okay, no one has actually asked me that, specifically . Sometimes they ask me why...

My Writing Process

People often ask me what my writing process involves.

Okay, no one has actually asked me that, specifically. Sometimes they ask me why I'm at their party when I wasn't invited. So rude. It's gotten so bad that I now turn down all invites, espcially the ones I don't receive.

Let's ask myself. "Paul, what does your writing process involve?"

Thanks for asking.

Most writers choose their words, and word placement very, very carefully. I go a step further.

I drill down to the letter. For me, it's all in the letter choice and placement.

Consider the word in the Title of this blog: Process.

See what I did there?

I started with a capital "P". Why? I'm not telling you. But it's crucial to the use of that word in this context.

Then I followed with a boldly placed "r". Then an innocent little "o". I'm most proud of the "ss" at the end. Took a ton of honing to get that right.

If you are an observant person, and I know you are, you'll notice I ended with a ".".

Again, why?

Well, I'm not going to spill all my secrets, now am I?

Buy my book, like everyone else.

Okay, no one has bought it yet. I guess it would be good to get it published first. But then I'd have to actually write it. Which requires a good idea. Hmmmm…

That's my process.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: When did male castration go out of style?

Wit Bit

When did male castration go out of style?

Helloooo Newman: Things I Should Have Said

Helloooo Newman: Things I Should Have Said: I was peacefully walking my dog when I looked up and saw this strange lady across the street. You know, one of those people that has annoyin...

Things I Should Have Said

I was peacefully walking my dog when I looked up and saw this strange lady across the street. You know, one of those people that has annoying stamped all over their face.

She was walking two crappy looking dogs, had a very weird hat on, and a severely troubling smile. Not a friendly smile that said, "Hey, I know you're probably busy so I'm not gonna waste your time with useless shit." I read the smile as, "You're my next victim to annoy."

I did. I tried my best to ignore her. She didn't exist, I thought. I tried to adhere to the philosophy that until you observe something, it doesn't exist.

Exist she did. She yelled across the street at me, her voice smashing through all the speeding cars – "Do you mind if my dogs come over and say hi?" I think she was panting. Maybe she even soiled herself at the excitement of it all.

My social training flawlessly kicked in.

This is what I said – "Oh sorry, she's not very friendly", referring to the dog, of course. This is the baldest lie I have ever told. Completely shaven. The truth is that Sydney, the dog, is the most person-friendly canine I have ever met. She will stop to say hi to every human within a 5 kilometre radius, if she can smell them.

This is what I should have said – "Oh sorry, I'm not very friendly. I might even bite. Actually, I'm on a muzzle order, but I'm not wearing it now. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

As we walked in opposite directions, she kept staring at me, as if she didn't quite believe that Sydney was a danger. I don't blame her. Sydney has the friendliest face of the canine kingdom.

I love dogs. I also love my daughter. But when I'm dragging her around on her leash, that doesn't mean I want to meet other teenagers, and their parents. I most certainly don't need to cross a busy street to do it.

Maybe I should wear my muzzle from now on.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm putting my body on Airplane Mode this Christmas.

Wit Bit

I'm putting my body on Airplane Mode this Christmas.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: As a joke, I went to Starbucks and ordered a tall fake blonde with brunette roots. They actually made it for me. Still, kind of embarrassing...

Wit Bit

As a joke, I went to Starbucks and ordered a tall fake blonde with brunette roots. They actually made it for me. Still, kind of embarrassing when they called out the drink name with my name.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I'm opening a Starbucks in the washroom of another Starbucks so you don't have to walk too far for your coffeelattemochafrappamacchi...

Wit Bit

I'm opening a Starbucks in the washroom of another Starbucks so you don't have to walk too far for your coffeelattemochafrappamacchiatoskinnyfatslimobesecinnamonvanillabutterscotch-
pumpkinespresso…drink.

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit

Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: Tis the season – earlier and earlier every year. Soon we'll be celebrating the Christmas 10 years from now, NOW. You can't wish an...

Wit Bit

Tis the season – earlier and earlier every year. Soon we'll be celebrating the Christmas 10 years from now, NOW.

You can't wish anyone Merry Christmas anymore, and I hate saying Happy Holidays, so I just yell, "Wud jah get me?"

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Apocalypse

Helloooo Newman: Zombie Apocalypse: I have some questions about the upcoming zombie apocalypse. If I'm a vegetarian when I'm alive, and then I become a zombie, wil...

Zombie Apocalypse

I have some questions about the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

If I'm a vegetarian when I'm alive, and then I become a zombie, will I want to eat human flesh? That is, after all, meat. Or say I'm a vegan. As a zombie, will I wrestle with the moral implications of eating animals – and human flesh, no less. Cannibalism. That's a huge dietary leap to make. Kind of like when I switched from smooth to crunchy peanut butter.

I imagine there might be a short period where my zombie body has to adjust to eating meat. Would I get diarrhea from that? I imagine having explosive diarrhea, even as a zombie, interferes with one's day. I'd be on the toilet all day instead of wandering around some forest 24/7 with all the other badly dressed zombies. That would have its embarrassments.

Would eating humans be mandatory? What if I started a splinter group of zombies that refuse to eat humans. Would I be ostracized? So what. I'd call it ZETH – Zombies for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. I'd start a website showing the horrible conditions under which zombies eat humans alive. It would be a scandal. I feel a hashtag coming on.

The other thing I don't get is why zombies choose to eat humans right off the bat. It's not like people are an easy meal. They can run or drive away, they have guns and arrows and swords, or they can move to a nice island retreat. I'd head directly to the meat section of a grocery store. It's a no-brainer. Meat that doesn't run away and isn't armed. Just sitting there. And free. No checkout hassles. Do I care if it's stale? I don't think so. "Best before infinity".

I don't think we have the best minds on this zombie problem.

Helloooo Newman: Idearrhea

Helloooo Newman: Idearrhea: I went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and asked to see the Beyond part. They couldn't tell me where it was. No one had a clue. All they c...

Idearrhea

I went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and asked to see the Beyond part. They couldn't tell me where it was. No one had a clue. All they could tell me is several other people went looking for it and haven't been seen since.


How come it's so easy to lawyer-up in the U.S. but really hard to doctor-up? No one even says "doctor-up". Lawyers take care of the "Liberty" part, so shouldn't doctors take care of the "Life" part? Guns, drugs, and hookers take care of the "Pursuit of Happiness" part.


What are "soft skills"? If I leave them out on the counter overnight will they get stale and become "hard skills"?


I saw a woman in Chapters reading a book called Five Steps to Making Your Dreams Come True. I made my own steps.
1. Hard work
2. Luck
3. Hard work
4. Luck
5. Hard work and luck
Mine's better because it fits in your back pocket.


Ever notice that the definition of traffic is all other cars but yours? If you think there's too much traffic, get off the road.


I hate those signs in stores that read, Yes, We Are Open. I prefer, No, We Are Not Closed.

Helloooo Newman: Stories of Remoteness

Helloooo Newman: Stories of Remoteness: Why is it called a remote control? It's always right there in my hand. It's my third hand. We're caressing cousins. Lovers. ...

Stories of Remoteness

Why is it called a remote control? It's always right there in my hand. It's my third hand. We're caressing cousins. Lovers. It whispers different channels softly into my ear. "Paul, come closer. There's an olive oil special on the Food Channel right now." It can't get any closer to my body unless I eat it, which I almost did once, mistaking it for my 12-inch Subway sandwich on pumpernickel and covered in M&Ms. My usual, unusual lunch.

I tried having my appendix removed and replaced with the remote. Didn't take. My body rejected it, plus my stomach crunches kept changing the channel.

For me, the remote is a modern day rosary. I caress its colourful buttons like Jesus beads. I pray with it. Dear Jesus, please bring out the next Stranger Things episode.

Sometimes, when my wife is mad at me, I pretend I can change her channel with the remote. "No honey, we're watching a comedy now. I'll be the laugh track. The slasher movie ended hours ago."

It only becomes a remote control when my wife pries it from my cold, dead hand to watch Grace and Frankie. I run out of the house to avoid that show, and become a remote husband.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Mush

Helloooo Newman: Brain Mush: The latest brain mush to come out of popular science is the finding that thinking about an activity, like playing the piano, makes the s...

Brain Mush

The latest brain mush to come out of popular science is the finding that thinking about an activity, like playing the piano, makes the same brain connections as practicing, and therefore it's the same as practicing.

Really? Does that apply to all activities?

Your heart surgery is about to begin. You have a moment to chat with the surgeon.

"Hey doc, you've done this operation lots of times, have you?"

"No, not at all, but I've thought about it a lot."

You reach for your Bible.

Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction

Helloooo Newman: Costume Malfunction: NO!!!  NO!!!  NO!!! I pleaded with Duchess. Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume. She wants to be a  chihuahua ...

Costume Malfunction

NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

I pleaded with Duchess.

Here she is struggling to fit into her halloween costume.

She wants to be a chihuahua.

NONSENSE!

"Duchess. We've gone over this. I just don't think people will buy it. Remember the two words I taught you. People will not buy that you are a chihuahua because there is a huge "credibility gap".

"And then I defined credibility gap for you. It would be like me dressing as Chewbacca, who is 7.1 feet tall (as played by Peter Mayhew). It won't wash. I'm more R2-D2, and I'm okay with that."

"Now come on, I'll get the brown paint and we'll go as Scooby-Doo again, okay?"

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind

Helloooo Newman: Colour Blind: If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people? A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some co...

Colour Blind

If blind people have an animal to help them see, why don't colour blind people?

A dog wouldn't work, of course. They see some colour, but not enough to suit a human.

I was thinking of something that really knows colours. Lives and breaths them. Mixes and matches them.

An interior decorator.

Colour blind people should have a seeing-colour-eye-decorator.

It's a great way for an interior decorator to make some extra cash. It would be better, though, if both were into S&M. That would help explain the collar around the interior decorator's neck and the leash hanging down.

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast

Helloooo Newman: A Dog's Breakfast: It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast. You might remember Duchess, from a previous blog. What's in her mouth? Is it a squirre...

A Dog's Breakfast

It's 8:00 a.m. and time for breakfast.

You might remember Duchess from a previous blog.

What's in her mouth? Is it a squirrel? A dead puppy? The baby from A Cry in the Dark?

I call it a Mud McMuffin, and it's her breakfast.

Duchess has the uncanny ability to sniff out houses that have just spent thousands re-sodding their lawn and tears out the largest piece she can possibly carry. Wet sod for her is like dinner at Ruth's Chris for me.

Duchess carries this for the entire walk, or until I instruct her that she can proceed to prepare it for feasting. Preparation consists of vigorously shaking the mud/grass melange until it achieves a nice lightness to it, similar to a wonderfully flakey filo pastry. Then she dines on it in small pieces, being careful not to overload her sensitive digestive system. Her digestion seems fine to me, since she also eats acorns, chestnuts, candy wrappers, bones, deer feces, cars, and the occasional person.

Why don't I remove it from her mouth? Well, later in the day I teach piano, and I need my hands and arms for that.

Don't you get hungry just looking at this?

Helloooo Newman: Malls

Helloooo Newman: Malls: I don't get malls. Why have a piano store in a mall? "Hey honey, after I get some pants, shoes and groceries, I just want to quic...

Malls

I don't get malls.

Why have a piano store in a mall? "Hey honey, after I get some pants, shoes and groceries, I just want to quickly pop in and buy a $50,000 grand piano."

And those key cutting stores. They're always located deep in the environs of the mall, smack dab in the last place you ever want to find yourself. Usually right beside the shoemaker. And for some reason the electricity doesn't quite reach there. That's why the lights are always flickering.

When I get my keys cut, that's when I also do my drug deals, because no one is around to see.

Why do we hide these stores? Maybe because we also hide our keys.

I'm pretty sure the key grinding guy and the shoemaker are the same guy everywhere, he's always been about 72 years old, and his back has never been straight. I think he was in Lord of the Rings too.

You never see a sale on key grinding. I bet that disappoints janitors. Today only: 80 keys for the price of 60. Girls washroom keys half price.

The key cutting store should really be located elsewhere, like near the dentist. Hey, while you're grinding my teeth down, can you grind this key for me too?

Or near the real estate agent. Need a key to get into your new house, don't you?

Maybe the best place to be located is beside Starbucks. Can you grind me three keys and a pound of robusta please?

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: My mouth needs cockcorrect. I mean carcorrect. Sorry, that's autocorrect. See?

Blurbs and Woe

My mouth needs cockcorrect.

I mean carcorrect.

Sorry, that's autocorrect.

See?

Helloooo Newman: Germane

Helloooo Newman: Germane: You never hear the word "germane" used anymore. I've been to lots of parties over the years, mostly due to my famous blog, ...

Germane

You never hear the word "germane" used anymore.

I've been to lots of parties over the years, mostly due to my famous blog, and not once has anyone used that word. I shouted it out at a party once and was immediately kicked out. Even a woman named Germaine didn't like it.

That's too bad.

It means "relevant to the issue". It's weird that a word meaning relevant isn't relevant anymore.

Words are like muscles. Stop using them and they atrophize - is that a word?

Let's start flexing "germane" again.

#germaneisrelevant.

Helloooo Newman: Gingerbread

Helloooo Newman: Gingerbread: Where are all the gingerbread women? My entire life I've only ever seen gingerbread of the male gender. We can't have gingerbr...

Gingerbread

Where are all the gingerbread women?

My entire life I've only ever seen gingerbread of the male gender.

We can't have gingerbread men without gingerbread women, right?

So, where the hell are they?

Are they trapped in some dystopian Margaret Atwoodish world where they are locked up in factories, producing gingerbread babies on command? Gingerbaby machines. I bet some of them are eaten by the gingerbread elite before they can grow up and get jobs working in a gingerbread house.

It's shocking, particularly because gingerbread men seem so kind. Always a smile on their face and arms wide open, eager to hug. Uh oh, eager to hug. An early warning sign? I just found out George Bush Senior is a serial female-bum-patter — from his wheelchair. Obviously, you never know a person, or your gingerbread.

There's something stale in the gingerbread world. This Christmas, keep your eyes open for the missing gingerbread women.

#findthegingerbreadwomen

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woes: I'm doing a standup routine at one of those restaurants with no lights. I hope my humour isn't too dark for them.

Blurbs and Woes

I'm doing a standup routine at one of those restaurants with no lights. I hope my humour isn't too dark for them.

Helloooo Newman: Happy Birthday, Duchess

Helloooo Newman: Happy Birthday, Duchess: Happy birthday to one of my favourite dogs – Duchess. Duchess is four today and only has nine more feet to grow. Her parents, a bottl...

Happy Birthday, Duchess

Happy birthday to one of my favourite dogs – Duchess.

Duchess is four today and only has nine more feet to grow.

Her parents, a bottlenose dolphin and a cement truck, are very proud.

Below you see Duchess's home, right behind her. This is registered as a condo and actually has a condo board running it.

Many more, Duchess.

Helloooo Newman: To the Moon, Alice

Helloooo Newman: To the Moon, Alice: Ever notice how people like to use the moon to measure things on earth? Here's an interesting fact I read: if you lay out all the y...

To the Moon and Back, Alice

Ever notice how people like to use the moon to measure things on earth?

Here's an interesting fact I read: if you lay out all the yoyo string on the planet in a straight line, it would reach to the moon and back seven times.

Is that helpful? Do you now have a better idea of how much yoyo string is out there? Do you give a shit?

None of us really get much opportunity to visit the moon and develop an idea for how far it is. When I see a full moon in the sky, it looks like maybe it's 5 or 10 miles away. How the hell do I know how far it is by looking at it?

Can't we can use more relatable measures? Like the distance from the dinner plate to my mouth, or from my mattress to the toilet. I know those distances quite well.

If you lay out all the yoyo string on the planet in a straight line, it would reach from my mattress to my toilet and back 400 million times.

Ah, now I get it.

That's a lot of toilet visits.

Helloooo Newman: Schrödinger's Raccoon?

Helloooo Newman: Schrödinger's Raccoon?: I wonder why Schrödinger chose a cat for his box of death. Or should I say, box of life and death existing at the same time. Cats are c...

Schrödinger's Raccoon?

I wonder why Schrödinger chose a cat for his box of death. Or should I say, box of life and death existing at the same time.

Cats are cute, cuddly, and innocent.

Things that aren't cute, cuddly and innocent are the raccoons rooting through my garbage and crapping in the garage. He could have filled the box with trillions of mosquitoes. Or put my neighbour in there, who doesn't pick up his dog poo.

I mean, was this guy really that much of a genius?

Helloooo Newman: Boys and Girls

Helloooo Newman: Boys and Girls: It's interesting that we always refer to dogs as "girl" and "boy" , never "man" and "woman"...

Boys and Girls

It's interesting that we always refer to dogs as "girl" and "boy", never "man" and "woman".

"Is he a boy?"

"Ya. In human years he's 130, but we still call him a boy, even though he drags his hind legs around from hip dysplasia, is blind in one and a half eyes, collects a pension, and barks at the laundry all day."

Don't you think older pets deserve the dignity of being adults?

"Who's a good man?" "You're such a good man."

Some dogs should probably even be knighted. Sir Newman. Known for his philanthropy, he shares his food with less fortunate dogs.

The weird thing is that when we switch to wild animals, like lions and tigers, we suddenly call them "male" or "female".

"Is he the male of the species?"

"Yes. He will not come when you call 'here boy'. He will eat your torso".

Then I saw this guy who took care of elephants. He called his elephant "girl".

So that's it. "Girl" and "boy" suggests an emotional closeness to animals. "Male" and "female" separates us from the animal. It's more clinical. I don't mind being separated from a wild animal that wants to hunt me.

"Man" and "woman" is reserved for the pinnacle of life – humans. You know, the ones fucking up the world.

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: Someone was following me last night. Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and th...

Blurbs and Woe

Someone was following me last night.

Normally I'm not disturbed by these kinds of things. I've been a city boy all my life, and then some.

But it was dark out, and you never know these days.

Could I take him? Gouge his eyes out with the car keys maybe. I'd have to warn him first.

Stand my ground. Look him in the eye. Flinch not.

Why are you following me? Stop following me!!

OH SHIT.

Then I realized I was on Twitter.

I put the car keys away.

Helloooo Newman: Genius

Helloooo Newman: Genius: When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Hu...

Genius

When I'm writing, I cover my body in a medley of talcum powder, baby powder, sawdust, antiperspirant, cotton balls, sponges, tampons, Huggies and Bounty (the thicker, quicker picker-upper).

That way my genius no longer takes 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. Now it's more like half a percent perspiration, even less inspiration and 99.3215% scratching myself.

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps

Helloooo Newman: My Brain Not On Google Maps: I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be ea...

My Brain Not On Google Maps

I hate when people stop me on the street with no warning and ask for directions. Especially when it's for something that should be easy to find. Like my own house.

My I.Q. drops like the Nasdaq and I'm a flibbering idiot.

"Excuse me, can you give me directions to your house?"

"Duh, okay. You turn straight, duh, and then you doopey doo down there, and then…"

After the person drives away you realize you gave the wrong directions. So you try to exit the neighbourhood before you run into the person again.

"Hey, shit head. Thanks for the detour (throws beer bottle).

"You've lived in Toronto how long?"

"All my life but, you know, a third of that time was spent sleeping."

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks

Helloooo Newman: I'm A Star Bucks: For those elegant, refined and pretentious folks, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

I'm A Star Bucks

For those elegant, refined, pretentious, hoity-toity folk, Starbucks offers the new La-Di-Datte.

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe

Helloooo Newman: Blurbs and Woe: I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron .

Blurbs and Woe

I never became a Mormon because it's too easily confused with the word moron.

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table

Helloooo Newman: Vibrating Off the Table: I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook." Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am. ...

Vibrating Off the Table

I miss the phrase, "My phone has been ringing off the hook."

Made me feel busy and important. Much more so than I really am.

It's been replaced with, "My phone has been vibrating off the table, smashing on the floor and costing me another $800."

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor

Helloooo Newman: Occam's Razor: I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Occam's Razor

I shave with Occam's Razor. It makes the fewest cuts.

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain

Helloooo Newman: Brain Down the Drain: Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less) , co...

Brain Down the Drain

Scientists are furiously trying to figure out why a human brain, trapped in the above face (and wrapped only in a bathrobe, no less), could ever imagine it is attractive to women.

Initial findings suggest the above "person" is the genetic result of sex between a pit bull and a gourd, and that it created a new brain part that isn't just completely divorced from reality, but was never married to it in the first place.

LOCK HIM UP!

Helloooo Newman: The Knob

Helloooo Newman: The Knob: If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door? "Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonig...

The Knob

If members of The Doors decided to tour separately, would each one of them be called The Door?

"Ladies and gentlemen, opening tonight only for The Door, The Knob"

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter

Helloooo Newman: A Dear Newman Letter: Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers; I have terrible news. After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York ...

A Dear Newman Letter

Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers;

I have terrible news.

After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York Times and turn off Two Broke Girls, you will again be subjected to vile, empty and often stolen humour.

Unforeseen circumstances made me too exhausted to churn out my lowbrow (and sometimes unibrow) comedy.

I've been wrestling with some pretty big challenges. Scientists just discovered where half of the missing matter in the universe resides, which explains my four chins and drooping jowls.

I opened a can of beans this morning. You know when you are making the very last tiny cut on the metal lid of a can and the lid, which is ever-so-fucking-slightly smaller than the can, falls into the beans? Goddamn, try removing that. It's easier just to eat it.

Like a category 1000 hurricane hitting some far off island, that's part of a rich country, the blogs will be stormin' at you.

Hold on tight…



PS: Did you know doctors have discovered that not reading Helloooo Newman daily causes IBS? Or maybe it was reading it daily that causes IBS. I'll have to reread that and let you know.

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess

Helloooo Newman: Dography: Duchess: Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk. Duchess Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my ...

Dography: Duchess

Dography is a Helloooo Newman mini-series. It features biographies of the dogs I walk.

Duchess

Say hi to Duchess the Great Dane, my favourite dog, save for Newman.

This is her head. Think of it as the tip of a fantastically large iceberg. Much larger than the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. She is also much larger than the Titanic, harder to sink, and her mouth can save more passengers than all the Titanic lifeboats.

Don't be fooled by the scale in this picture. Those two trees in the background are 400 foot redwood Sequoias, reduced to Bonsai status beside Duchess.

Duchess likes to eat stale grass in a wet mud couscous, as well as some of the cuter infants that stroll around the neighbourhood in carriages. Strangely enough, upon finishing a baby, she spits out the diaper. I would have pegged that as the best part, thinking dog-like.

The awesome thing about walking Duchess is that I get a 5-kilometre area to myself due to the public-wide fear she instills. Imagine a 50s Japanese Godzilla movie, stomping through a village as the panicked residents flee, screaming in mismatched vocals. That's why her nickname is Dogzilla.

The truth is that Duchess is a huge sweetheart and a gigantic suck. She loves belly rubs and discussing the finer points of Hemingway's work. Notice the furrowed brow, denoting a well-read dog. I have trouble keeping up because it requires me to read.

She also speaks Great Danish fluently.

No, that's not a muzzle on her face. It's a harmless halti, which allows me to control her movements because she's Ronda Rousey and I'm Pee-wee Herman. She could still eat me if she so desired.

I do nothing to dispel the "Duchess as monster" myth. Who doesn't want a neighbourhood to themselves.

Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko

Helloooo Newman: Puerto Sucko: Trump is on to them. The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them. It's true. You know who else ...

Puerto You-Owe

Trump is on to them.

The victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico want everything done for them.

It's true.

You know who else wants everything done for them?

Cancer patients.

Patient: Excuse me, doctor? Can I have more chemotherapy?

Doctor: You again? You're becoming a real nuisance. I think you've stretched the concept of "patient" a little too far.

Even worse are unconscious people, like, say, survivors found in a plane crash. They must be removed, at great expense, by other people so they can be saved. Is it really worth it? I mean, if the unconscious person isn't willing to haul his own ass out of razor-sharp twisted metal. Should we encourage rescue, so that all unconscious people will now expect help? I-I-I-I d-o-o-o-o-n't know.

The worst offenders are dead people. When my dad died, I guess he expected us to call the funeral home and arrange things. He didn't lift a finger. In fact, we had to lift him. Embarrasing.

Stop asking for help, unless you don't want it.

Helloooo Newman: GOT

Helloooo Newman: GOT: I think my wife is a little to deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

GOT

I think my wife is a little too deep into Game of Thrones. She said I could be King of the Ironing Throne.

Helloooo Newman: Emoji

Helloooo Newman: Emoji: I have trouble dealing with people who are over-emojtional.

Emoji

I have trouble dealing with people who are over-emojtional.

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah

Helloooo Newman: Driving Miss Shariah: Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race. Women still aren't 100% people, but with today&#39...

Driving Miss Shariah

Saudi Arabia presses ahead with its bold attempts at joining the modern human race.

Women still aren't 100% people, but with today's announcement, they are now 5.375% people. That's about the same status as women on Venus.

Women will be allowed to drive a car. Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves. They need permission. From a man. Not just any man. The man that constantly screws around on her. The husband.

There are restrictions.

Women cannot drive a stick shift, as they might mistake this for a penis, and next thing you know the family unit falls apart.

Speaking of the tightly knit family, the woman must agree to first drop her husband off at his mistresses' house, and pick him up after he's finished his efforts at keeping the family together.

They are only allowed to steer in one direction, that direction being towards the kitchen. Slowly, over 1000 years, other directions will be introduced, until they can actually get somewhere.

They can only press the gas pedal and brake for 10 seconds at a time. Again, slowly over 1000 years, longer pedal pressing times will be introduced, until they can actually steer around objects or prevent the car from crashing into them. (please refer to steering rules above)

They cannot listen to My Sharona on the radio, because it sounds too much like My Shariah.

It's a slippery slope. Women will soon ask to drive men crazy with unreasonable demands, like, "Hey honey, can I be the only women you screw tonight?", or, "How about when you cheat with another woman, we cut your head off too?"

Progress.

Helloooo Newman: Ish

Helloooo Newman: Ish: I'm confused by "ish" . We ask, "What time should we be at the party?" "Oh, 8:30 ish is fine." That ...

Ish

I'm confused by "ish".

We ask, "What time should we be at the party?"

"Oh, 8:30ish is fine."

That doesn't mean 8:30, get it? You're left hanging. The "ish", three simple letters, completely erases your obligation to show up at the suggested time – 8:30. It throws all your plans into a jumbled mess of maybeish. Maybe it's 8:20, could be 9:00.

You would think "ish" could at least give you an idea of the exact time you should arrive. It doesn't.

"Hey "ish", what time should I really arrive? Is 9:10 okay?"

"Beats me", responds "ish". "My job is to let you know that the time the person suggested actually isn't the time you should come. I wasn't even invited, so beat it."

We could extend "ish".

"What should I bring to the party?"

"Wineish".

Does that mean my grandfather's wine, sitting in the basement since WWII?

"Ish" is so powerful. If the word ends in "ish", it means almost, but not quite.

But what about "accomplish"?

My dad always said, "Why don't you go out and accomplish something great, son?"

Hmmm. How do I do that? How do I almost, sort of, approximately, but not quite, do something great? How do I accomplish? Does he want me to become a famous lawyer or not? Maybe I should drop out after first year, and almost become a lawyer. Or maybe I should just be a really bad lawyer. How about a convict, who uses lawyers, but isn't one himself. I'm not sure which.

I wish I understood, but there's that "ish" again. Wishes are wishy washy. Wishes are kinda wanting something, but not really trying hard to get it.

"I wish I was a lawyer, but I'm going back to bed."

So that's why I didn't do anything great, dad.

Blame it on bad English.

Helloooo Newman: Golfing

Helloooo Newman: Golfing: I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Golfing

I was golfing today and my partner said I have a really nice heat stroke.

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn

Helloooo Newman: Stormborn: Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen?  That's the real issue.

Stormborn

Will the NFL bend the knee for Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon Queen? 

That's the real issue.

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Tit for Tat: Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I would need to know what a tat is, and whether I could get it for something less...

Tit for Tat

Would you trade a tit for a tat? I'm not sure I would. I need to know what a tat is, do they come in pairs, like tits, and whether I could get it for something less valuable. Tits are quite worthwhile, in my book anyway. I would trade a tit for the new Tesla. That I would do.

We use tit for tat when someone does us wrong, and we get them back. If someone tats me, I tit them back? I don't know. I'd say they're the winner in that scenario. Maybe I'll substitute them with some man boobs.

Helloooo Newman: Business 101

Helloooo Newman: Business 101: It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex  business deals over a simple covfefe and dotard.

Business 101

It's remarkable when I think back. I've closed some of my most complex 

business deals over a simple covfefe and a dotard.

Helloooo Newman: Et Al

Helloooo Newman: Et Al: Yesterday I hung out with Weird Al and his brothers, et Al.

Et Al

Yesterday I hung out with Weird Al and his brothers, et Al.

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch

Helloooo Newman: Checking Your Watch: You know how when you watch a pot of water, it won't boil? Maybe if we all watch the earth at the same time real hard, like, totall...