A Dear Newman Letter

Dear faithful Helloooo Newman readers;

I have terrible news.

After a short hiatus, I am back to writing my blogs. Put down the New York Times and turn off Two Broke Girls, you will again be subjected to vile, empty and often stolen humour.

Unforeseen circumstances made me too exhausted to churn out my lowbrow (and sometimes unibrow) comedy.

I've been wrestling with some pretty big challenges. Scientists just discovered where half of the missing matter in the universe resides, which explains my four chins and drooping jowls.

I opened a can of beans this morning. You know when you are making the very last tiny cut on the metal lid of a can and the lid, which is ever-so-fucking-slightly smaller than the can, falls into the beans? Goddamn, try removing that. It's easier just to eat it.

Like a category 1000 hurricane hitting some far off island, that's part of a rich country, the blogs will be stormin' at you.

Hold on tight…



PS: Did you know doctors have discovered that not reading Helloooo Newman daily causes IBS? Or maybe it was reading it daily that causes IBS. I'll have to reread that and let you know.