Secretly, known only to my heart of hearts, in my dreamiest of dreams, ever since I was a young boy, I've harboured the desire to be a football player.
You're probably thinking I mean an actual football player – running through tires, practicing my "hut ones and hut twos" in front of a mirror and racking up head injuries.
Not likely. Not with MY frame, barely put together using an IKEA Allen key.
I mean the type of football game shown above – The President's Football.
That's the job I want. Carrying the President's Football.
Also called – The Nuclear Football.
The suitcase above, actually called the satchel, contains all the directions, buttons and codes that allows POTUS to set the world on fire with nuclear weapons, if he (or she) feels the need.
World destruction in a convenient carrying case. It doesn't get any better. I think it also carries a small lunch, since starting WWIII will probably work up an appetite.
The only job requirement for handling the Football is that you be good at carrying suitcases, and following the President around.
My suitcase carrying experience is extensive. I carry my wife's suitcase all the time. Weight-wise, it's just shy of an oil tanker. Many, many, many (I mean many) times I have also carried my own suitcase, when my wife kicks me out of the house. When I was single, I basically lived out of a suitcase.
So you see, I'm perfectly suitable for the suitcase.
Now if POTUS actually needs to open it and use it, well then, I quit.
