Helloooo Newman: iDreamofGenie?

Helloooo Newman: iDreamofGenie?: It's a drag when I'm on the subway and I have to clean my iPhone screen, all grimy from fingerprints and spit, so I rub it and ...

Helloooo Newman: Perspective

Helloooo Newman: Perspective: Cyclist to the car: I'm on the bike road, you are in the very wide car lane. Car to the cyclist: I'm on the car road, you are...

iDreamofGenie?

It's a drag when I'm on the subway and I have to clean my iPhone screen, all grimy from fingerprints and spit, so I rub it and rub it on my pants, then have to explain to people that no, I don't think my body's a big lamp and there's a genie inside me just dying to come out and grant me three wishes. Maybe I should rub harder and longer?

Or that I'm a masseur studying for an imminent exam.

I'm just cleaning my phone. Don't you ever do that?

Perspective

Cyclist to the car: I'm on the bike road, you are in the very wide car lane.

Car to the cyclist: I'm on the car road, you are in the vary narrow bike lane.

Helloooo Newman: Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero

Helloooo Newman: Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero: If you are a regular reader here, you know two things. One, the old adage, "You can't fool all the people all the time&quot...

Did I Ever Tell You Your My Hero?

If you are a regular reader here, you know two things.

One, the old adage, "You can't fool all the people all the time", is bullshit. I do it every time I entice you to read this blog.

Two, all my heroes are the great scientists, artists and philosophers of our world.

Here are my favourites:

Leonardo DiCaprio: I don't have to tell you how wonderful the Mona Lisa is. You've seen it in its little plastic carrying case at the Loo in Paris. And to win an Academy Award for Best Painting? Bonus, man. It's not even a movie.

René Angélil: I'm not sure why he married Celine Dion, but it allowed him to invent the dictum, "I sing, pound my chest and cry at every stupid little thing, therefore I am."

It changed how man thinks of himself, and allowed us to cry over vinegar-soaked french fries.

Weird Albert Yankovic: What a down-to-earth dude, being so smart and letting everyone call him Weird Al. His famous equation, E = MC2, tells us that a Krispy Kreme donut holds enough energy to build a condo in Florida, live an obese life and conceal a gun in your belly.

Perhaps his best discovery is that our universe is actually a parody of an older, much more serious universe. There is no movie called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo in that universe.

Wayne Newton: Newton discovered gravity when he realized his cheeks were sagging from age.

Then he discovered the Laws of Motion, the most important one being the "Conservation of your Face" with plastic.

Charles In Charge: It's still controversial, but Charles discovered that man evolved from an amoeba, and is quickly turning back into one. Life is driven by survival of the fittest sitcom.

I honour them all.

Helloooo Newman: Earth Report

Helloooo Newman: Earth Report: Beeplob the alien deftly landed his silver ship on home planet. His "Earth" report was five minutes overdue. Thankfully, his ...

Earth Report

Beeplob the alien deftly landed his silver ship on home planet.

His "Earth" report was five minutes overdue. Thankfully, his Powerpoint presentation was up and running.

Dear Leader: Welcome home, son. What say you about Earth?

Beeplob: I visited a place called America.

Dear Leader: The council has heard of this place. The leader of the free world resides there. They've split the atom, weapons of mass destruction, ever-increasing technology. A formidable civilization, indeed. What say you of their progress?

Beeplob: Washrooms.

Dear Leader: Come again?

Beeplob: The issue of the day is who can use which washroom, when.

Dear Leader: Are you shitting me? Do not shit the council.

Beeplob: No, your alieness. Groups of humans are shitting themselves. Over gender confusion and where to poo and pee.

Dear Leader: Wait. Do you mean to tell us they still have two genders?

Beeplob: Yes.

Dear Leader: Don't they know one gender makes clothes shopping so much easier?

Beeplob: They just aren't there yet, your alieness.

Laughter spreads among the council.

Dear Leader: It's decided! We're pushing up the invasion date. This will be a cake walk. Oh, and don't forget to go before we leave. It's a long trip.

Helloooo Newman: The Beat Generation

Helloooo Newman: The Beat Generation: I've had it with Western women! I'm moving to Pakistan. I've always been a lite kind of guy – lite beer, lightly-breaded ...

The Beat Generation

I've had it with Western women!

I'm moving to Pakistan.

I've always been a lite kind of guy – lite beer, lightly-breaded chicken wings, Lite-Brite was my favourite childhood toy.

Now, finally, the leader of a Pakistani Islamic Council has proposed a bill allowing men to "lightly beat" their wives.

This link gives the details, plus tips on the difference between "light" and "heavy" beatings (do you mix those up too?).

http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/28/asia/pakistan-women-light-beating/index.html

It's all in a 75-page proposal which, after a few light beatings, my wife finally read to me. Then I realized my wife isn't allowed to read, so I had to beat her some more.

She began to look like De Niro in Raging Bull so I stopped. Had the voice down pretty good too. Overall, a spot-on imitation. I was kinda proud of her for a moment there.

What's the math on wife beatings? I know 2 + 2 = 4, even in Pakistan.

Does "light beating" + "light beating" = heavy beating? Are beatings additive?

Is there a socially acceptable waiting period between light beatings? I don't want to embarrass myself at parties with people thinking I "enjoyed" the beatings.

You'd think all these questions could be answered in 75 pages, but no. It's mostly "beating" diagrams. Proper hitting angles, tender spots, tools, recipe ideas for those awkward "in-between beating times".

My wife is packing the bags as I write, and her sores are healing quite nicely, thank you.

I'm sitting beside Johnny Depp in first class. Can't wait to share stories.

Helloooo Newman: Rest in Peace?

Helloooo Newman: Rest in Peace?: Yesterday, while I was shaving my earlobes, I realized I've never read the  7 Habits of Highly Effective Dead People . Then I reali...

RIP?

Yesterday, while I was shaving my ear lobes, I realized I've never read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Dead People.

Then I realized it's never been written. Dead people don't seek our advice.

Yet we keep offering it, my favourite being, “Rest in Peace”. "Oh, that Harold, rest in peace."

Why? Is being dead that stressful? Can you think of a more relaxing state to be in then dead? I can't. I've had some pretty solid naps, but at some point I still have to get up and do my taxes.

What exactly might the dead be doing that is stressful? There are no diet plans to obsess about when you're dead. It's the ultimate diet – food-free. You'll never hear a dead person say, "Does this coffin make me look fat?"

In my experience the dead complain far less than alive people. My wife, who is very much alive, constantly nags about my anemic laundry skills, whereas my dad, five years gone, hasn't once mentioned the $10,000 I owe him.

There are even times when I would prefer to be dead, like when my mother-in-law reminds me of how lucky she was to eat shoe leather during WWII. That's why she cooks the steak that way.

As far as stress reduction goes, the dead are the envy of the world. Death is meditation times a million.

Other than for their own funeral, a dead person doesn't have to be on time for anything.

If anything, the dead should be giving us advice, like how to avoid being dead, or what makes the most comfortable chair for the afterlife.

There's a reason the dead are cold. They are chillaxing. In some ways, I envy them. The dead, just by being dead, have achieved more than I have being alive.

That's not to say I'm in love with death. We talk from time to time, and I'm sure to never disagree with him.

Don't get me wrong. Being alive is great. I just think I'll make a much better dead person. And I won't need advice from the living.

Helloooo Newman: Meanderthal Paul

Helloooo Newman: Meanderthal Paul: Check out this guy above. This is an old model of what we thought Neanderthal Man looked like. Dopey and stupid, right? This guy was no...

Meanderthal Paul

Check out this guy above. This is an old model of what we thought Neanderthal Man looked like.

Dopey and stupid, right? This guy was not a Scrabble champion.

Things have changed.

The more we discover ancient sites the more we learn that Neanderthal Man was much more capable and intellectually developed than we ever thought possible.

Here's a good link: http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/the-astonishing-age-of-a-neanderthal-cave-construction-site/484070/

He also moved around through Africa and Europe much more than we expected. That's why I like to call him "Meanderthal Man".

This gives me great hope. Soon scientists will find that I am smarter than anyone would expect. The evidence is hard to find, buried as it is under layers of decay and useless knowledge.

I'm really an archeologist's dream project. I wonder what they'll find?

Helloooo Newman: Bad News Blogger

Helloooo Newman: Bad News Blogger: I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. Most of you will not be able to retire in your lifetime. To retire means to leave your...

Bad News Blogger

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Most of you will not be able to retire in your lifetime.

To retire means to leave your job and still have a good 20 years to do what your really wanted to do in the first place.

The new trend will be rediering.

To redier means to work until you die. Or, die so that you can stop working.

That's right. You will have to work your entire life, so that you can eat and survive in this expensive world. When life stops, work stops.

Don't worry. You'll still get your redierment party.

It will be called "your funeral".

The "sleeping in" part is what I'm looking forward to most.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I lent a friend some money and he won't pay me back. He's avoiding me, so I'm feeling very loansum. He said he'd pay ...

Musings and Woes

I lent a friend some money and he won't pay me back.

He's avoiding me, so I'm feeling very loansum.

He said he'd pay me back what I lent him during Lent, when he doesn't need money for food.

Helloooo Newman: Complete Intellectual

Helloooo Newman: Complete Intellectual: I went to my family doctor last week for a complete physical and passed with flying colours. My doctor (female) was quite impressed wi...

Complete Intellectual

I went to my family doctor last week for a complete physical and passed with flying colours.

My doctor (female) was quite impressed with my physique and strong vitals. Hey, most women are.

She expressed shock, temporarily, when my blood pressure read 0 over -100. That was only because all the blood in my body had rushed to my penis. This is entirely normal for me when a woman presses my groin, looking for nefarious bumps. I get an erection. Well, other times too. Most of the time, I guess.

While I was quite healthy physically, the doctor was far more concerned about the intellectual side of me.

I appreciated her subtlety when she said, "You're an idiot, Paul." Please, doctor, I want you to be entirely open with me.

She suggested I go for a complete "intellectual".

What a marvy idea, I thought. Everyone goes for physicals, but no one ever gets a complete intellectual.

Let's face it – we all have three important sides to us. The physical, the intellectual, and the emotional. Time to see if my I.Q. needs an I.V.

Who I should see for my complete "Intellectual"?

My absolute first choice is Amber Heard, but she doesn't qualify in the right way. She does, however, make my blood pressure drop to 0 over -100 (see above).

I guess the smartest choice is someone like Stephen Hawking. I called him and he is game.

He offered some quick pointers to improve my intellectual health. "Eat more vegetables" was top of the list. He suggested alphabet soup, because I get my vitamins, plus I can try and find the value of all the "x's" in the soup, for a good brain workout.

To check for intellectual health, I think everyone should have their own personal physicist. Or physicistian, in this case.

Next month I'm getting a complete "emotional" from Celine Dion.

Helloooo Newman: The Thinker

Helloooo Newman: The Thinker: I realize my blogs have a certain ineffable quality to them – full of profound ideas that are difficult to express in words. A lot...

The Thinker

I realize my blogs have a certain ineffable quality to them – full of profound ideas that are difficult to express in words.






A lot of thinking is required. Not everything is apparent.






Hell, I can't understand most of them. They are so abstruse, and yet obtuse.







Consequently, one has to read between the lines to get the real meaning.






As you can see, I've left lots of room so that it's easier for you to read between the lines.







You're welcome.

Helloooo Newman: Horton Hears the Who

Helloooo Newman: Horton Hears the Who: I have a good idea. The Who should open a Whoters. Oh man. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean a restaurant where the waitresse...

Horton Hears the Who

I have a good idea.

The Who should open a Whoters.

Oh man. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I mean a restaurant where the waitresses lug around huge stereo equipment, amps and speakers, mics, etc.

Jeez. Come on, people. Have some decency.

Helloooo Newman: Bucking the Trend

Helloooo Newman: Bucking the Trend: Do you go to Starbucks and order a plain old coffee? How quaint. Here's how to have more fun at Starbucks. Tell them you nam...

Bucking the Trend

Do you go to Starbucks and order a plain old coffee?

How quaint.

Here's how to have more fun at Starbucks.



Tell them you name is Phat, and order a skinny peppermint latte.

When it's ready, they'll call out, "Phat – skinny latte!"

Then you say, "Well, which is it? Fat or skinny?"

You'll have loads of fun.



One time I told them my name was Encino. I ordered a frappuccino.

"Encino? Frappuccino?"

Too funny.



My favourite is you get a stripper to order a drink, and her name is Sugar.

"Hi, my name is Sugar, I'll have the free latte."

"So sugar-free latte for you?"

"Yes, please."

When the stripper gets it, she complains that she doesn't want a sugar-free latte, rather her name is Sugar and she wants a free latte.

"Hey, give me my free latte or I'll bust a cappuccino in your ass."



That's the kind of fun you can have at Starbucks.

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change Solved

Helloooo Newman: Climate Change Solved: I have a good idea. Let's offset global warming with nuclear winter. The few survivors can enjoy a radiant Spring with colourful...

Climate Change Solved

I have a good idea.

Let's offset global warming with nuclear winter.

The few survivors can enjoy a forever radiant Spring with colourful sunsets.

Helloooo Newman: Gluten Sniffer

Helloooo Newman: Gluten Sniffer: Did you know that May is Celiac Disease Awareness month? Me neither. I probably forgot because I was busy observing "let's a...

Gluten Sniffer

Did you know that May is Celiac Disease Awareness month?

Me neither.

I probably forgot because I was busy observing "let's all go back to cloth diapers day" and "what the fuck happened to my wifi connection minute".

Here are some interesting tids about the gluten-free craze:

Celiac Disease affects one percent of people. Celiac people can't eat gluten due to serious health consequences.

Yet among Millennials, nearly 30% percent report being gluten-free.

In a recent study (all studies are true, that's why they are called studies), the reason most often cited for avoiding gluten, among people who don't have celiac, was "no reason".

Make of that what you will, but this blogger is gutting the gluten.

Sort of. I'm not eating it anymore.

Instead, I'm a proud gluten sniffer. Cuz I still need my gluten fix.

And cuz, you know, glue sniffing is bad for you.

I tried it for the first time last night.

Nice. Reaaaally nice.

A few minor side effects, of course.

My nose became constipated. This was quickly followed by diarrhea of the nose.

Currently I have a yeast infection in my left nostril.

But overall, better results than glue-sniffing. And, I'm enjoying the health benefits of a gluten-free diet.

Hey, look at me. I'm gluten-free.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The US State Department issued a stern warning today: DO NOT visit North Korea. Oh man. It's been a tough few weeks for me. Let d...

Musings and Woes

The US State Department issued a stern warning today: DO NOT visit North Korea.

Oh man. It's been a tough few weeks for me. Let-down after let-down.

And now this.

My frequent flier points take me directly to Pyongyang for free.

Look at the awesome Disney World above.

Now I have decay of the vacay.

Fuck a toad. I'm so pissed!

Helloooo Newman: Game of Groans

Helloooo Newman: Game of Groans: Dear Game of Thrones (GOT), I've GOT to confess to a bit of frustration with your show. Are you familiar with the line, "Win...

Game of Groans

Dear Game of Thrones (GOT),

I've GOT to confess to a bit of frustration with your show.

Are you familiar with the line, "Winter is coming."? Of course you are. It's spoken almost as often as, "Hey, cool sword. Is that Valyrian steel?"

BTW, do you have a shopping channel? Can I get some Valyrian steak knives?

Winter has been coming since Season One. I sure as hell wouldn't want to own a ski resort in Braavos with a winter that languidly chugs along at the speed of a dead horse.

Who does your forecasts, three knights in a brothel throwing darts at a weather map drawn on a naked woman's body?

Hmmm, that does sound rather fun, if inaccurate, weather-wise.

Off with their heads. How can Stannis Baratheon ever know if he needs snow tires on his carriage when he invades Winterfell?

Why call it Winterfell when I've watched 5 seasons and still no snow? How about Fallfell?

You also keep threatening me with the Army of the Dead. Groooooaaaan.

What's taking them so long? Did they institute a draft and large numbers of corpses ran to Canada to avoid it?

Are they resting and gathering provisions for the long fight? They're dead! They don't eat, piss or sleep with their siblings. Pretty much all their enjoyment is in fighting.

And the White Walkers? What the hell? Why are they walking? It takes too long. Have they not been to horse-riding camp yet? I'm sure with a little training they'll get the hang of it. They look like an intelligent enough bunch.

Dear GOT guys – you've GOT to speed things up for me.

Helloooo Newman: Birthday Suit Store

Helloooo Newman: Birthday Suit Store: I'm starting a new line of clothing. Exciting! For you and me. It's the Birthday Suit store. Above are some of the different...

Birthday Suit Store

I'm starting a new line of clothing. Exciting! For you and me.

It's the Birthday Suit store.

Above are some of the different Birthday Suites we sell – for a very reasonable high price.

Aren't the splashy colours spectacular?

Notice the complex weave? My favourite is the Jacquard weave, consisting of complicated patterns produced on a jacquard loom.

The summer collection just arrived.

Try yours on today.



* Custom fitting available. Free hemming.

Helloooo Newman: Oh give me a home…

Helloooo Newman: Oh give me a home…: Why don't the Buffalo have to pay roaming charges?

Oh give me a home…

Why don't the Buffalo have to pay roaming charges?

Helloooo Newman: A Study on Studying Studies That Have Been Studied...

Helloooo Newman: A Study on Studying Studies That Have Been Studied...: A recent study, studying studies that study the effects of studies on people that study for a living, was studied. The results were inc...

A Study on Studying Studies That Have Been Studied in a Study

A recent study, studying studies that study the effects of studies on people that study for a living, was studied.

The results were inconclusive, but true.

The false positives were found to be false, but possessing a positive outlook, hence making them true. The true positives were falsely accused of being false, hired a lawyer, and secured a positive outcome.

The positive false's sang a song in falsetto. The true positives called a truce.

The correlations caused panic and the causations caused glee. Correlates don't cause, but causes correlate, just because.

More study is needed.

Helloooo Newman: Pot Calling the Kettle Black?

Helloooo Newman: Pot Calling the Kettle Black?: CNN asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Donald Trump. Isn't that like asking Laurel what he thinks of Hardy? Or what Larry thinks...

Pot Calling the Kettle Black?

CNN asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Donald Trump.

Isn't that like asking Laurel what he thinks of Hardy?

Or what Larry thinks of Moe, while Curly endorses both of them for President?

Are we learning anything useful?

Helloooo Newman: Crisis? What Crisis?

Helloooo Newman: Crisis? What Crisis?: Everything today, and I mean everything , is in crisis. If you don't believe everything is in crisis, you're a crisis-denier. T...

Crisis? What Crisis?

Everything today, and I mean everything, is in crisis.

If you don't believe everything is in crisis, you're a crisis-denier. That's a crisis.

All crises are treated with more money. And there's too much money in the system, which is a crisis.

Except in those areas where we have little crisis management, a crisis in itself.

When something isn't perceived as a crisis, we are being complacent. A non-crisis in some area can be confused with something that is working well, or it could mean people are happy. But it's really a complacency crisis.

The failure to anticipate crises is at a crisis point. All due to the complacency crisis.

I recently read an article which argued that stress is at an all-time high and at a crisis point.

I presume that particular writer wasn't aware of another article I read, which stated that people these days might be getting too happy, with all this emphasis on self-fulfilment, relaxing and enjoying life. A crisis of relaxation.

And those two articles are different than a further article I read, which informed me that people are meditating too much and may not be prepared to meet life's greater challenges. A crisis of over-satisfaction.

Some time in the past, when everything was better, we had a crisis of non-crises. A crisis of nostalgia.

When things are better, it's a crisis because they might stop being better. Or, they could be even better than better. Or perfect. Or they could get worse, much worse, or worse than worse.

When things are worse, it's a crisis because they aren't better, or getting better, or better than better. Or perfect.

All things are getting worse – a crisis; getting better – a crisis; or staying the same – a crisis.

It just makes me want to CRYsis.

Helloooo Newman: My Pail List

Helloooo Newman: My Pail List: Today I turn 53 and a half. The "half" part really hurts. I'm starting to realize all the things I've missed out on i...

My Pail List

Today I turn 53 and a half. The "half" part really hurts.

I'm starting to realize all the things I've missed out on in life. So much denied to me, by me. It's all my doing. Or undoing.

Here's a partial list of the regrets I have:

• I've never met a sheathing salesman
• Or a person who's fallen into a sink hole
• I've never been given the left of way.
• I've given it a lot of thought, but never used Vicks VapoRub to treat my acne
• I've never met people with blue blood
• I've never met a person who flirts with safety
• Or someone that preserves bobby pins
• I've never seen a pawl being made (a chainsaw part)
• I've never jumped any kind of fish
• I've never met a person with such a beautiful smile they are allowed to show it in their passport photo
• I've never stolen a wheelchair and taken it for a joyride

I know, there's still time.

Helloooo Newman: Wanna make a bet?

Helloooo Newman: Wanna make a bet?: I bet the Mona Lisa was allowed to smile for her passport and driver's licence photos.

Wanna make a bet?

I bet the Mona Lisa was allowed to smile for her passport and driver's licence photos.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I was going to start a self help group for pessimists. Nah, it'll never work. Maybe I'll join a group for optimists. People a...

Musings and Woes

I was going to start a self help group for pessimists. Nah, it'll never work.

Maybe I'll join a group for optimists.

People are always telling me, "Paul, you should be more optimistic."

I spend all day optimisting myself, and then they say, "Paul, you better not get your hopes up."

Actually, I'm an optipessimist.

I'm not hopeful things will be great, I just doubt they will suck.

Helloooo Newman: Everything Old is New Again

Helloooo Newman: Everything Old is New Again: My wife is leaving me. While I keep the home fires burning and the beer fridge cold, she is off to Germany, her place of birth. Two w...

Everything Old is New Again

My wife is leaving me.

While I keep the home fires burning and the beer fridge cold, she is off to Germany, her place of birth.

Two weeks of just my daughter and myself (Newman too). That means two weeks of zero vitamins and minerals in my body, and in my daughter's as well.

A trip for my wife means, necessarily, that everything associated with that trip must be new.

A new suitcase. Size-wise, a 747 missing the wings.

We already have 12 jumbo suitcases sitting quietly in the basement like the behemoth rocks of Easter Island. Never to be used again. A complete mystery as to how they got there.

New purses, each one bigger, deeper and more leathery than the one before. I believe the first black hole was discovered in a woman's purse.

New shoes that make the Bata Shoe museum look empty. Shoes for walking, standing, sitting, eating, eating breakfast, eating lunch, eating dinner, eating bratwurst, to hang out in, to think in, to drink in, to…

New clothes. The "2016 German Trip Collection". Outfits must match every pair of shoes.

My wife was very upset when I broke the news to her.

"No honey, Lufthansa will not purchase a brand new airplane for your trip."

Helloooo Newman: The God Made Me Do It

Helloooo Newman: The God Made Me Do It: A crucial part of the "story" of most Western religions is that we have free will. As the "story" goes, God doesn&#...

The God Made Me Do It

A crucial part of the "story" in most Western religions is that we have free will.

As the "story" goes, God doesn't choose good and evil for us, but lets us decide, and depending on our decision, He'll reward or punish us.

I'm tired of free will. Too lazy for it. I'm using my free will to give up my free will.

I'm sick of having to constantly wrestle with the good/evil option. It's like eating at a never-ending moral buffet. Buffets suck. Full of germs and burnt macaroni.

Ya, sometimes I do want evil. At my full time job in the 90s, I would desperately hope and pray for my boss's death. I planned his murder over and over again (in my head), even without the help of Forensic Files. I guess you could say I hated him.

I didn't act on it, of course. But it caused me a lot of stress, sleepless nights and trips to Home Depot to pick just the right gardening tool that would make it look like an accident.

Please God, you decide how I should behave from now on. I'm sick of this responsibility, and I didn't ask for it. I'm busy enough choosing from a 3000-channel universe.

Why did God even risk giving humans free will? Dumb decision, dude. Almost as annoying as telling me not to sleep with my neighbour's wife.

Are you familiar with the saying, "The devil made me do it"? It was popularized by Flip Wilson, God bless him.

Why don't we ever hear, "The God made me do it."?

Please God, make me do something. Then when it all turns to crap, I can blame you.

Have you seen the American television personality Glenn Beck? You may know him by his alter ego, whacked-out over-the-top beer-bellying religious dipstick.

Mr. Beck says that during this election we are being watched by our maker. I assume that means God and not my parents, who made me in their vision, which was fuzzy due to the Manhattan's they ingurgitated that night.

Glen goes on to say that we have to choose between good and evil. Screw that. Humans suck at making that choice. Look at Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Hitler, Putin, Stalin, and your local school trustee.

Why doesn't God vote? He can deal with the crappy choices we have. Or, skip the middle man and run the planet Himself. It's about fucking time.

Maybe the problem is that free will is free. When things are free, we don't respect them. I steal a lot of beer at parties, but I never enjoy it quite as much as the purchased kind.

I forsake my free will, God. I quit. Done. I'm an empty vassal.

Free Willy? No problem. Free will? Bad idea.

Helloooo Newman: Living the Game of Thrones

Helloooo Newman: Living the Game of Thrones: Characters in the Game of Thrones keep saying, "I swear to the old gods and the new." Who are these gods, the old and the new...

Living the Game of Thrones

Characters in the Game of Thrones keep saying, "I swear to the old gods and the new."

Who are these gods, the old and the new?

Could it be the old gods were fired and the new gods replaced them? God as just another employee that has yearly reviews. I like that idea.

But why keep swearing to the old gods if they were dumped? Maybe it's part of their severance package. "Alright, we'll go, but people have to continue swearing to us, we keep our gym membership and we get to bathe the Khaleesi 5 times a year.

I suppose the old gods could have retired. Think how difficult it is to be all-knowing when you're sent to Heaven's geriatric ward. If you forget just one thing, like the first time you smited someone or gave them plague, that's it, you're less-knowing and of no use.

I like to think the old gods were voted out. Term limits on gods.

That could work here, in our world.

Time for an election.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: New scientific research shows that the benefits of a 45 minute workout can be achieved in one minute . It's true. Here's the li...

Musings and Woes

New scientific research shows that the benefits of a 45 minute workout can be achieved in one minute.

It's true. Here's the link: http://time.com/4311373/interval-training-benefits/

Using this same strategy, scientists have found you can lead a fruitful and productive life in 6 months, rather than the arduous and expensive 80 years we're doomed to live.

Instead of the regular 10 seconds to achieve an erection when aroused, men can now achieve one in minus 15 seconds. This basically means erections 24/7.

However, due to Newton's Third Law (for every action, there is an equal and opposite erection), all erections will be 2 inches shorter.

The 10,000 hour rule for mastering an activity, first articulated by Malcolm Gladwell, has been reduced to 3 minutes watching a YouTube video, plus reading Coles Notes on a toilet.

The American primary and election can now be held over lunch at a Blimpies.

The entire history of the universe, which is infinite, is still infinite, but with fewer commercials and more nudity.

Remember. Shorter is BETTER.

Helloooo Newman: Read the Fine Print

Helloooo Newman: Read the Fine Print: Everyone says, "Paul, didn't you read the fine print? You should always read the fine print." Marriage not all it's c...

Read the Fine Print

Everyone says, "Paul, didn't you read the fine print? You should always read the fine print."

Marriage not all it's cracked up to be? That gym membership not really working? You didn't read the fine print.

Fine print is a crucial part of our world. I don't know how well you know your Bible, but at the very end, in tiny print, is written:

*based on shit that never happened

Easy to miss. Many have. Wars ensued.

So, in light of all this important fine print that we are all missing, I have created a new book.

The Fine Print Anthology

Finally, you have one source for all the fine truth. This comprehensive collection contains all the fine print you need to know about everything, from microwave ovens to using biological weapons and why you should never date someone who topples gravestones in their spare time.

You would expect a book of this magnitude to be massive – the size of a Vegas city block, perhaps?

No. It measures a convenient 1 cm by 3 cm. Think of how easy that will be to whip out and read.

Just send me one hundred-some-odd dollars and I will ship the book to you ASAP*.

*Ha. No I won't

The Fine Print Anthology

Read it and weep.