Yesterday, while I was shaving my ear lobes, I realized I've never read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Dead People.
Then I realized it's never been written. Dead people don't seek our advice.
Yet we keep offering it, my favourite being, “Rest in Peace”. "Oh, that Harold, rest in peace."
Why? Is being dead that stressful? Can you think of a more relaxing state to be in then dead? I can't. I've had some pretty solid naps, but at some point I still have to get up and do my taxes.
What exactly might the dead be doing that is stressful? There are no diet plans to obsess about when you're dead. It's the ultimate diet – food-free. You'll never hear a dead person say, "Does this coffin make me look fat?"
In my experience the dead complain far less than alive people. My wife, who is very much alive, constantly nags about my anemic laundry skills, whereas my dad, five years gone, hasn't once mentioned the $10,000 I owe him.
There are even times when I would prefer to be dead, like when my mother-in-law reminds me of how lucky she was to eat shoe leather during WWII. That's why she cooks the steak that way.
Other than for their own funeral, a dead person doesn't have to be on time for anything.
If anything, the dead should be giving us advice, like how to avoid being dead, or what makes the most comfortable chair for the afterlife.
There's a reason the dead are cold. They are chillaxing. In some ways, I envy them. The dead, just by being dead, have achieved more than I have being alive.
That's not to say I'm in love with death. We talk from time to time, and I'm sure to never disagree with him.
Don't get me wrong. Being alive is great. I just think I'll make a much better dead person. And I won't need advice from the living.
