Bonding. James Bonding.
I am happy to report there are some important signs that Newman and I are achieving a deeper bond. The kind of bond I had with my previous dog and Seinfeld character, Cosmo.
When I'm at the cottage I try to put as little stress on the septic as I can. So, naturally, I pee outside on one of the 1,200 trees we have on the property. It's like having 1,200 urinals all to myself. If a male guest happens to be using a tree, I always pick the tree furthest away from him, as per the rules of males using urinals. I also alternate trees so that one doesn't feel picked on or left out.
Last weekend something very exciting happened. Newman came out with me and peed at the exact same time as I did. Just like Cosmo would do. I was so touched. Brought to tears. This kind of deep bonding really gives me goose bumples.
He picked the tree right beside me. I know, you're confused. I just stated the urinal location rules for males. You must pick the urinal (tree) furthest away. This rule does not apply to dogs or to fixed human males. No fixed humans have been to the cottage (not that there's anything wrong with fixed males). By fixed, I mean physically fixed only. Most male humans that have visited the cottage have been emotionally fixed. If they haven't been then they've been single their entire life.
The other sign occurred when I hadn't seen Newman for a while. Let's say I'm taking one of my countless naps during the day and I close the door so dog and daughter won't bother me. I've probably run out of Red Bull that day, the consumption of which can reduce my nap schedule significantly. I call them micro-naps. I've always wanted to run a micro brewery, but I should probably start a micro nap store. Or I could be out shopping at Holt's for a $1,200 pair of jeans with no knees. Takes me hours.
Up until now Newman would be very excited when he saw me and would jump up and down. Good enough. Makes me feel special. And let's face it, my wife never does that. But a key physical sign was missing - the drooping ears. This is crucial in a dog's reaction to a person. I look for this sign just as I looked for certain signs when I use to roam singles bars. Is the woman playing with her hair while talking to me? Is she actually talking to me? If she is, why is she 300 feet away? More important here, though, is the absence of signs. She's not spitting on me. She's not claiming that her dad is a navy seal and is looking for recruits just like me. She's not claiming to have open soars on her back and wondering if I've ever had them and did I date while they spread.
If you are a stranger to the dog, drooping ears can mean he/she is about to remove your scrotum with his incisors.
But for his/her owner, drooping ears has a completely different meaning. It means deep, deep love. Seriously, it does. Ask God, aka The Dog Whisperer. The look in Newman's face when he sees me and his ears droop has all the emotions expressed in the poem How Do I Love Thee? by Browning.
How do I love thee? Let me count my toys.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My tongue can reach, when feeling for chicken bones in the green bin
Newman now completes me.
