Dog or Dingo?
It's fascinating how many different reactions I get to Newman (and me) when I walk him.
Some people look at Newman and they don't see a 25 pound cutest-puppy-in-the-world chewing on a stick as he walks, they see the dingo that ate the baby. It's especially annoying when kids exhibit this fear with their lame parents around. The parents only enable the kid's fear. "Careful Billy, I was bitten in the nut sack when I was a kid and there's no telling this little puppy won't aim for the same region". What is this, African Lion Safari?
You ever notice how parents project their own fears onto their kids? What I'd like to do to people like this is bite them myself. Then Newman would pull me back and say, "Whoa, boy". Then hopefully they'll develop a life long fear of people, or maybe just people who play the piano, or people who work on a MAC, or people named Paul. Whatever it is, it will surely be irrational.
At least I can identify my irrational fears and then point out to my daughter that she doesn't necessarily have to model them. Like the time I saw a dock spider near our cottage. I kind of have a cold war mentality when it comes to these huge and ugly spiders. Go ahead and Google dock spider, you'll understand.
I'm the U.S. and the spider is Russia. If it gets too close, like, for instance, Cuba, I go on alert, ready to launch my missile, which is a can of raid. I only allow these spiders on our dock, which is a good 100 feet away. This spider, the size of a sewer lid, came near the cottage so I spent the day hunting him. Normally they are hard to catch because they move fast and every time I get near one I cry and run away like a little girl. Eventually I summoned the courage to corner him and had to go nuclear. Then the balance of terror was restored.
Some people smile at Newman, say hi, and completely ignore me at the other end of the leash. That really hurts. When I was single, women treated me like this at bars across Toronto, as well as in Europe, New York, Chicago, Mexico, and even Windsor. What does it take to get some attention? Can you not at least look at me or ask me some questions about my cute puppy? Hey lady, I'd like a little credit for picking the cutest puppy in the world, ya know.
At least these people respond. Some people walk right by, look straight ahead and don't even see the cuteness in front of them, and certainly don't notice Newman. I'm convinced these people have zombie roles in The Walking Dead. Obviously they take their work home with them.
By far the worst kind of person to run into is the evil-doer dog owner. These are people who have dogs but have learned none of the lessons animals can teach us about being healthy, emotionally in-touch humans. One time Newman caught a glimpse of a dog on the sidewalk and chased after him. Newman was 6 months old at the time so lots of things were new to him. As he playfully approached the dog, the lady owner turned around and hissed at him like some kind of damaged hyena. The thing that really startled me was she looked like a hyena, or maybe the dingo that ate the baby. This lady's aura would have caused any dog's gonads to tie their sack up and leave town. I could have saved on neutering Newman. She would make an excellent living fanning across the city and spaying/neutering animals with her personality. Her dog looked perplexed and I think maybe his eyes contained a hint of "please save me from this witch".
I'm not so egotistical that I would say dogs were put on this earth to make us better people. Certainly some people, like Joan Rivers, were put on this earth to annoy us. But I think we can become much more humane humans if we let dogs show us how.
I have yet to introduce Newman to Meryl Streep, who played the hysterical mom in the dingo movie A Cry in the Dark. Hopefully she doesn't take her work home with her.
PS: A Cry in the Dark is based on a true story. A court recently ruled that, in fact, it was a dingo that took the baby and the mom had nothing to do with it. The dingo's name was NOT Newman.
