Weather or Not
As I've mentioned before, the first thing to teach dogs is not obedience. It's about the weather. What it is and what it means to us humans.
It can be minus 35 or plus 35 and for Newman there is no difference. As far as I can tell he would probably prefer to go for a walk during a nuclear holocaust when there is lots to smell. So today it doesn't matter that my skin is sagging from the heat, there are two distinct, round wet spots under my arms, my hair looks like Tiny Tim's did and my pores are letting out this awful scream. In total I look like the momma from Throw Momma from the Train. Actually, save your strength, I'll throw myself off the train. For Newman it's business as usual. That sucks!
Weather is important in human affairs. That's why we devote an entire t.v. network to it. It's not enough to be told it will be sunny today. Sunny? How can I plan around that? Please tell me how sun spots, black holes and butterfly wings contribute to the weather.
Although I must confess I've been trying to get away from it as a topic of conversation. Especially when I first meet someone. Last winter I did some skiing and rather surprisingly became a chatty Kathy of sorts on the chairlift. I know, it shocked me too. No vodka, no red bull, just me and my Kathy voice. But I would purposely avoid the weather as a speaking topic, unless I ran into the person a few times. It's just such a cliche topic to open with. So it was fun trying to figure out what to say as an opener. I think my favourite was, "Have you ever had the shingles? Are they contagious? Should I be skiing?" I actually have had the shingles. They are about as pleasant as shingling someone's roof when it's plus 35.
Another good one…I would pretend my cell vibrated and would answer it. I would continue the deceit…it was a parent calling and Billy hasn't been practicing for his piano lesson. I would tell the parent the best thing to do is staple Billy's fingers to the piano and leave him there until he presses a note down. Wash the puncture wounds after 15 minutes and apply ointment. I'll be there regular time.
Once I know someone well I will talk a lot about the weather. Okay, I'll obsesses about it. I wish I could talk to Newman about the weather. I wish bad weather annoyed him as much as it annoys me.
I wish I could ride a chairlift today so I can tease some more humans. What would your opener be?
