HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Tuesday, 30 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Words
Helloooo Newman: Words: I hate when we have two words for essentially the same thing. Take two everyday words, like stalactite and stalagmite . One is a li...
Words
I hate when we have two words for essentially the same thing.
Take two everyday words, like stalactite and stalagmite.
One is a limestone formation that grows down from the ceiling of a cave, the other is one that grows up from the floor. But which is which? Who the fuck can remember?
They're the same damn thing, except one's on the ceiling and one's on the floor. Can't we just pick one word, say stalactite, and then say "hanging stalactite"? If we don't say "hanging", guess what? It's on the floor. Is that difficult to understand?
I know people who invent silly rhymes and memory games to recall which is which. If you're going to do that, why not save time and go with "hanging"?
Believe it or not, over the holidays I was actually discussing stalactites. I haven't been on that topic in over 20 years. And I like to think I have my geological formations down, but how the fuck am I suppose to get those two words straight? Like I said, it's been over 20 years.
Here's a rational way to think about it. Take a man's dick. Sometimes it's hanging towards the floor and sometimes it's growing up towards the ceiling. Do we have different terms for that? Do we say "dicktite" and "dickmite". We don't!
By the way, when people create memory games to recall things, we call that a mnemonic. Now why the hell isn't that spelled like pneumonia? Or phone. Why not fhone? Who knows?
It's so confusing.
Phuck!
Sunday, 28 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Name Change
Helloooo Newman: Name Change: As Helloooo Newman fans may know, some of my favourite celebrities include Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law), Jennifer Lopez (J.Lo), P. Diddy, Jay-Z...
Name Change
As Helloooo Newman fans may know, some of my favourite celebrities include Jennifer Lawrence (J.Law), Jennifer Lopez (J.Lo), P. Diddy, Jay-Z, and until recently, Bill Cosby (Jel.O).
In keeping with this name trend, I ask all fans to address me as P. Hard.
That's instead of my real name, Paul Hardie, or the name Interpol has in their database, Piano Hands Paul.
As you know, I get large crowds of one or two people approaching me and yelling out PAUL, PAUL, WE LOVE YOU.
That's not cool. I mean, the LOVE part is. In an effort to stay relevant and hip with the name, please, it's P. HARD.
An awareness campaign about the name change will begin next week in washrooms across the city – "Laugh Hard with P Hard"
In keeping with this name trend, I ask all fans to address me as P. Hard.
That's instead of my real name, Paul Hardie, or the name Interpol has in their database, Piano Hands Paul.
As you know, I get large crowds of one or two people approaching me and yelling out PAUL, PAUL, WE LOVE YOU.
That's not cool. I mean, the LOVE part is. In an effort to stay relevant and hip with the name, please, it's P. HARD.
An awareness campaign about the name change will begin next week in washrooms across the city – "Laugh Hard with P Hard"
Helloooo Newman: Books
Helloooo Newman: Books: If they make large print books for people who can't see, why don't they make tiny print books for people who can see really we...
Helloooo Newman: Tall Blonde
Helloooo Newman: Tall Blonde: I ordered a decaf tall blonde at Starbucks, otherwise known as a fake blonde. I added cream and it became a fake blonde with roots.
Books
If they make large print books for people
who can't see,
why don't they make tiny print books for people who can see really well?
Tall Blonde
I ordered a decaf tall blonde at Starbucks, otherwise known as fake coffee, or, a fake blonde. I added cream and it became a fake blonde with roots.
Friday, 26 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Friendversary
Helloooo Newman: Friendversary: Here's a disturbing trend. The "friendversary" Brought to you by Farcebook . I mean Fakebook . No, Fartbook . Fetidbook...
Friendversary
Here's a disturbing trend.
The "friendversary"
Brought to you by Farcebook. I mean Fakebook. No, Fartbook. Fetidbook. Fecklessbook.
Fuckoffbook.
There are two glaring problems with the concept of "friendversary".
The word anniversary is a generic term, meaning the annual turning of some event. It does not apply to any specific event, like marriage, and certainly not friendship. We just use it in the context of a wedding most often.
"It is our anniversary" is interpreted as our wedding anniversary, but it could just as easily mean we are celebrating the adoption of our pet monkey.
If we are going to use the word "friendversary", then we would also have to say "weddingversary", which I'm sure you will agree is really stupid. So stupid that the word "friendversary" should be banned immediately. I think it is in North Korea.
Since "friendversary" does not contain the prefix "anni", meaning annual, how am I to know when to celebrate this event?
There is a much bigger problem with "friendversary". It's a profoundly dumb idea. Are you telling me I need to celebrate, every year, the first time I met all my friends?
On Fuckedupbook I have 130 friends (which is fucked up in itself). You do the math. I'll be wearing adult diapers so I have enough time at the computer to calculate and track all those dates.
And 130 friends is low, although incredibly high for me. I know people with 10 million friends. That's 10,000 truckloads of diapers.
Am I suppose to get some kind of gift? Will there be a silver "friendversary"? Will my friends pout all day if I forget it?
Fuck that. If I call a friend and wish him or her "happy friendversary", I would expect them to cease all contact with me, followed by a complete denial that they ever knew me.
Pretty soon the price of roses will quadruple on my "friendversary" days.
I love having friends. So much so, I'm not going to wish them "happy friendversary".
Thursday, 25 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: The Sixth Dimension
Helloooo Newman: The Sixth Dimension: Scientists have discovered a 6th dimension. However, like the 5th Dimension, the 6th dimension comprises a rock group, this one being very n...
The 6th Dimension
Scientists have discovered a 6th dimension. However, like the 5th Dimension, the 6th dimension comprises a rock group, this one being very noisy and violent.
As the scientists tried to study the dimension, the loud and harsh music became too much for their ears.
"I couldn't hear myself calculate", said one scientist. "It was like 10 thousand copies of The Who were performing all at once and my eardrums were the stage."
Scientists were trying to find out if the dimension actually consists of the rock band, or if the band got stuck there looking for a record contract.
"We think maybe they picked a bad Youtube channel, or it was hacked by Russians, and they were downloaded to this 6th dimension."
Just as they got close to an answer, one scientist was hit on the head with an electric guitar. They decided study of this dimension can wait until the band gets older and more MOR, or breaks up.
As the scientists tried to study the dimension, the loud and harsh music became too much for their ears.
"I couldn't hear myself calculate", said one scientist. "It was like 10 thousand copies of The Who were performing all at once and my eardrums were the stage."
Scientists were trying to find out if the dimension actually consists of the rock band, or if the band got stuck there looking for a record contract.
"We think maybe they picked a bad Youtube channel, or it was hacked by Russians, and they were downloaded to this 6th dimension."
Just as they got close to an answer, one scientist was hit on the head with an electric guitar. They decided study of this dimension can wait until the band gets older and more MOR, or breaks up.
Helloooo Newman: Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?
Helloooo Newman: Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?: Scientists and medical professionals continue to study the negative health effects of coffee. Coffee drinkers continue to not give a shit....
Why Do You Want to Shit in My Coffee?
Scientists and medical professionals continue to study the negative health effects of coffee.
Coffee drinkers continue to not give a shit.
"For some reason, doctors want to take a shit in my coffee. Stop me from drinking it. I won't. I'll just pretend it's another type of Starbucks mocha melange…", said one coffee drinker we interviewed.*
Soon we will find that studying cancer causes cancer and drinking coffee causes happiness.
* a direct quote for a non-existent person.
Coffee drinkers continue to not give a shit.
"For some reason, doctors want to take a shit in my coffee. Stop me from drinking it. I won't. I'll just pretend it's another type of Starbucks mocha melange…", said one coffee drinker we interviewed.*
Soon we will find that studying cancer causes cancer and drinking coffee causes happiness.
* a direct quote for a non-existent person.
Wednesday, 24 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Tip of the Iceberg
Helloooo Newman: Tip of the Iceberg: Everyone says it about every issue. "We're only seeing the tip of the iceberg." It's always just the tip. Has anyone at...
Tip of the Iceberg
Everyone says it about every issue. "We're only seeing the tip of the iceberg."
It's always just the tip. Has anyone at all seen what's below the tip? How do we know if anything's there?
Maybe it's just a tip floating around. Or maybe below the tip is something really cool. Like a time machine. Or endless Skittles that don't give you cavities or a sugar overdose, sending you into a diabetes coma.
Maybe the entire problem is the tip of the problem. Lots of tips floating around.
No one knows.
It's always just the tip. Has anyone at all seen what's below the tip? How do we know if anything's there?
Maybe it's just a tip floating around. Or maybe below the tip is something really cool. Like a time machine. Or endless Skittles that don't give you cavities or a sugar overdose, sending you into a diabetes coma.
Maybe the entire problem is the tip of the problem. Lots of tips floating around.
No one knows.
Tuesday, 23 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Hotter Than Hell
Helloooo Newman: Hotter Than Hell: Climate scientists have discovered that not only is the earth heating up, but Hell is getting hotter too. As of the last four seconds, ...
Hotter Than Hell
Climate scientists have discovered that not only is the earth heating up, but Hell is getting hotter too.
As of the last four seconds, Hell has gone from 4,563°F to 5,695°F. At this heat, all the Devil's Lego voodoo dolls of Jesus have melted. The Lego movie is the Devil's favourite.
Said the Devil: It's very hard finding good people to fill torturing jobs in this kind of heat. Plus with the minimum wage increase, I can't afford paid breaks or insurance to cover fourth degree burns. Add into that the #Mesinnedtoo movement and I have depraved women demanding equal recognition. They're marching on a bed of hot coals this weekend. Things are really heating up here.
I'm trying to get my house re-shingled. Try finding a good roofer in this heat. Down the street The Shape of Water was playing but the entire movie boiled away before I could watch it. I was pissed because the starring creature is my 3rd cousin twice removed from a Republican think tank.
Things are so hot the ice caps at the local Starbucks are melting fast. Of course there's a Starbucks in Hell. On the cup they write your name and one of yours sins. "Jessica-said no to a hose job from the duct cleaning man". For an extra jolt, instead of espresso beans they pour scalding coffee on your groin and separate your jaw. "I'll have the lap cap, please".
The Devil Continued: It's too hot for people to scream. If people aren't screaming in pain, I'm not doing my job properly.
The Devil has taken extreme measures to mitigate the situation.
He's inked a deal in blood with Tesla to provide electric torture tools instead of the traditional coal-fired hot poker. He calls it his First Teslament.
From now on, pictures of Michelle Obama's icy scowl at Donald Trump's swearing in will be mandatory above every bed of nails, to cool things down. Believe it or not, I feel the same way about Mr. Trump, said the Devil.
If things don't cool off soon, the Devil expressed sadly, Hell will have to be relocated to somewhere very cold, like Kellyanne Conway's bedroom.
The Devil, One More Time: I should have listened to Ali Gore (no relation) when she told me, "It's hotter than Hell down here."
Sunday, 21 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Dog Scream
Helloooo Newman: Dog Scream: It's okay to scream at your dog sometimes. I'm just saying, you don't always have to whisper.
Dog Scream
It's okay to scream at your dog sometimes. I'm just saying, you don't always have to whisper.
Same goes with your horse. I don't have a horse, but I imagine it's okay.
Same goes with your horse. I don't have a horse, but I imagine it's okay.
Saturday, 20 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Surfing Sex
Helloooo Newman: Surfing Sex: Surfing the Internet is like a man achieving orgasm. If I don't reach that website, if I don't reach orgasm, in 3 seconds or less I&...
Surfing Sex
Surfing the Internet is like a man achieving orgasm. If I don't reach that website, if I don't reach orgasm, in 3 seconds or less I'm like, fuck this, I give up.
Helloooo Newman: Ice Old Age
Helloooo Newman: Ice Old Age: Did you know that the North American continent is still rising after the megatonnage weight of the last ice age melted away? Remarkable. T...
Ice Old Age
Did you know that the North American continent is still rising after the megatonnage weight of the last ice age melted away? Remarkable.
The same thing is happening to my belly. Obviously at some point my belly was covered in a thick ice sheet, it melted away, and that explains its slow rising and expansion. A process so slow, it's barely noticable, unless you are looking at me.
It's not the beer. There's no chance I could have had that much beer in my life. Is there?
The melting of the ice cleared the way for hair to settle on my belly. There are island-civilizations of hair on my belly that have never met each other. They think they live in an incredibly expanding universe. They do. One genius little hair will discover and study the wormhole at the centre of their universe – my belly button. They will enter that wormhole and visit parallel universes – my colon, my double-chin, jowls, man-boobs. And still, they won't find the answers they are looking for. There are no answers.
I also have climate change on my scalp and my continence are drifting.
The same thing is happening to my belly. Obviously at some point my belly was covered in a thick ice sheet, it melted away, and that explains its slow rising and expansion. A process so slow, it's barely noticable, unless you are looking at me.
It's not the beer. There's no chance I could have had that much beer in my life. Is there?
The melting of the ice cleared the way for hair to settle on my belly. There are island-civilizations of hair on my belly that have never met each other. They think they live in an incredibly expanding universe. They do. One genius little hair will discover and study the wormhole at the centre of their universe – my belly button. They will enter that wormhole and visit parallel universes – my colon, my double-chin, jowls, man-boobs. And still, they won't find the answers they are looking for. There are no answers.
I also have climate change on my scalp and my continence are drifting.
Friday, 19 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Punishment
Helloooo Newman: Punishment: I think people who tell bad puns should be pun-ished.
Helloooo Newman: Heaven Can Drink
Helloooo Newman: Heaven Can Drink: I hope I'm really drunk when I die. That way I'll be drunk when I first arrive in Heaven. It's like pre-drinking for a party tha...
Heaven Can Drink
I hope I'm really drunk when I die. That way I'll be drunk when I first arrive in Heaven. It's like pre-drinking for a party that lasts forever. The best part is I can puke on a cloud, and one of the Angels will clean it up. And there are no hangovers in Heaven. I can drink all the aperitifs I want, which I don't do while I'm alive because they are too sweet for my eco-GMO-fair-trade-vegan-low-carbon-footprint sensitive tummy.
Like a dessert wine. Have you ever had dessert wine? I might as well just pour vomit down my throat, cuz that's what's coming back 5 minutes later.
And I want one of them 72 virgins. Or maybe four. Can I handle four? I am dead, after all. Do Christians get virgins? And who keeps replenishing those virgins? I mean, once they, you know, they aren't virgins anymore. Where do they get them? Do they ever run low? That's a bad time to die.
An alcohol-fueled afterlife. And virgins. That would give this life meaning.
Like a dessert wine. Have you ever had dessert wine? I might as well just pour vomit down my throat, cuz that's what's coming back 5 minutes later.
And I want one of them 72 virgins. Or maybe four. Can I handle four? I am dead, after all. Do Christians get virgins? And who keeps replenishing those virgins? I mean, once they, you know, they aren't virgins anymore. Where do they get them? Do they ever run low? That's a bad time to die.
An alcohol-fueled afterlife. And virgins. That would give this life meaning.
Helloooo Newman: Shhhhh
Helloooo Newman: Shhhhh: I wish someone would pay me hush money, like Trump paid some stripper to keep quiet. There's lots of things I could keep quiet about, bu...
Shhhhh
I wish someone would pay me hush money, like Trump paid some porn star to keep quiet. There's lots of things I could keep quiet about, but I'm not gonna until someone pays me. And porn is one of them.
Helloooo Newman: Trendy Clothes
Helloooo Newman: Trendy Clothes: I miss the days when I could wear turtlenecks made out of real turtle neck.
Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit
Helloooo Newman: Wit Bit: I am suffering from literary inconsonants , so the next few blogs will have more consonants than usual. In the meantime, I might buy some...
Wit Bit
I am suffering from literary inconsonants, so the next few blogs will have more consonants than usual.
In the meantime, I might buy some vowels from Wheel of Fortune, but they're expensive.
In the meantime, I might buy some vowels from Wheel of Fortune, but they're expensive.
Thursday, 18 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Peanut Butter
Helloooo Newman: Peanut Butter: There's only one thing that can explain how much peanut butter I eat. My mom had sex with the Planters peanut guy in 1962. I kind of ...
Peanut Butter
There's only one thing that can explain how much peanut butter I eat. My mom had sex with the Planters peanut guy in 1962. I kind of look like him too. In the legs. Maybe the belly as well. And soon I'll need a cane. So ya, he's my dad.
Wednesday, 17 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: He Shoots, He Scores
Helloooo Newman: He Shoots, He Scores: Hockey has "he shoots, he scores" , but no other sport seems to use this type of phrase. Why not? Tennis: He hits, he scores Bo...
He Shoots, He Scores
Hockey has "he shoots, he scores", but no other sport seems to use this type of phrase. Why not?
Tennis: He hits, he scores
Bowling: He rolls, he scores
Chess: He moves, he socres
Archery: He flings, he scores
Fencing: He stabs, he scores
Cricket: He chirps, he scores
Weightlifting: He heaves, he scores
Formula 1: He formulates, he scores
Figure Skating: He figures, he scores
Boxing: He beats his face in, he scores
American Handball: He handles his balls, he scores
Olympic Backstroke: He strokes, he scores
Sex: He strokes, he scores
Twister: He twists, he puts his butt in your face
Tennis: He hits, he scores
Bowling: He rolls, he scores
Chess: He moves, he socres
Archery: He flings, he scores
Fencing: He stabs, he scores
Cricket: He chirps, he scores
Weightlifting: He heaves, he scores
Formula 1: He formulates, he scores
Figure Skating: He figures, he scores
Boxing: He beats his face in, he scores
American Handball: He handles his balls, he scores
Olympic Backstroke: He strokes, he scores
Sex: He strokes, he scores
Twister: He twists, he puts his butt in your face
Helloooo Newman: World War
Helloooo Newman: World War: The next world war will be fought in cyberspace. We will call it wwwwI. For more info, visit www.wwwwI. We answer the 5w's of w...
World War
The next world war will be fought in cyberspace.
We will call it wwwwI.
For more info, visit www.wwwwI.
We answer the 5w's of wwww1.
There will not be a wwwwII.
This blog is sponsored by A&WWW, home of the Wwwhopper.
Don't worry, once the world is destroyed and you are starving, this burger will make your mouth wwwater.
Tuesday, 16 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Potholes
Helloooo Newman: Potholes: Here's an idea. Instead of paying scientists to find black holes, let's pay people to find all the potholes, and fill those fuckers....
Holes
Here's an idea. Instead of paying scientists to find black holes, let's pay people to find all the potholes, which is really a worm hole that leads to your mechanic, and fill those fuckers.
Earth first!
Make Earth great again!
Earth is a s***hole!
Earth first!
Make Earth great again!
Earth is a s***hole!
Monday, 15 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: Star Trek Life
Helloooo Newman: Star Trek Life: As I quickly advance in age, it's remarkable how everyday terms from Star Trek are beginning to describe my life. When I'm in t...
Star Trek Life
As I quickly advance in age, it's remarkable how everyday terms from Star Trek are beginning to describe my life.
When I'm in the washroom, Daddy is "ejecting his warp core. Evacuate."
When the dishwasher breaks, I run around the house, yelling, "Go to red alert." "Initiate a level 10 diagnostic."
When I ask to go out with the guys, my wife says, "Freedom is irrelevant. Resistance is futile."
When it's time to do the dishes after a large dinner party, my wife says, "You have the kitchen, Paul."
Then I watch the Kardashians and puke up Beam Me Up Scotty shots.
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Helloooo Newman: WD-40
Helloooo Newman: WD-40: I'm old and my joints are killing me. Nothing seems to help them. I need WD-for over 40.
WD-40
I'm old and my joints don't move the way they use to. Nothing seems to help them.
I need WD-for over 40.
I need WD-for over 40.
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