Helloooo Newman: Toids

Helloooo Newman: Toids: If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh. I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.

Toids

If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh.

I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.

Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development

Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development: Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development. We're all familiar with the developmental stage called o...

A New Stage of Human Development

Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development.

We're all familiar with the developmental stage called object permanence. This occurs at age 4-7 months. Babies learn that an object keeps existing, even if it's hidden from view. So when daddy tries to hide his sex doll from mommy, the baby knows the doll is still there but, thankfully, can't tell mommy. Also, the baby is scarred for life.

The new stage occurs at age 55. It's called debt permanence. You wake up one day and realize, hey, just because you forgot to make that mortgage payment this month, it's still there, and it ain't nearly as much fun as a sex doll. Unless you like taking it up the ass by a bank.

Debt permanence. It still exists. It always will.

Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure

Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure: This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka. But. No hangover. Here's how it works. I woke up around 1...

The Best Hangover Cure

This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka.

But. No hangover.

Here's how it works.

I woke up around 1 pm and, sensing my wife was upset, I approached her to find out what was wrong.

We had a very sobering conversation about my behaviour.

Boy, I felt great afterwards. That's because I had no choice.

And sleeping in the garage on bags of cement mix for a week wasn't that bad. Always liked a firm mattress.

For it to work, you have to get married.

Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain

Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain: I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring,  but he said they won't touch knob and tube.

Change Your Brain

I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring, 

but he said they won't touch knob and tube.

Helloooo Newman: Fortune Pregnancy Test

Helloooo Newman: Fortune Pregnancy Test: I accidentally peed on a pregnancy test and it told me I can expect great things this year.

Fortune Pregnancy Test

I accidentally peed on a pregnancy test and it told me I can expect great things this year.

Helloooo Newman: Blind Spot

Helloooo Newman: Blind Spot: After looking very carefully, scientists have determined that it's impossible to watch your blind spot.

Blind Spot

After looking very carefully, scientists have determined that it's impossible to watch your
blind spot.

Helloooo Newman: Visionary

Helloooo Newman: Visionary: This year I'm looking forward to 2020 vision.

Visionary

This year I'm looking forward to 2020 vision.

Helloooo Newman: Paint Dry

Helloooo Newman: Paint Dry: They say there's nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Well, I bet you de Vinci enjoyed watching the Mona Lisa dry.

Paint Dry

They say there's nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Well, I bet you de Vinci enjoyed watching the Mona Lisa dry.

De Vinci is quoted as saying, "Shit, what an awesome painting. Can't wait til it dries."

Helloooo Newman: Shopping

Helloooo Newman: Shopping: At the beginning of every new decade, I'm reminded of that old adage: never food shop on an empty stomach. Or, always food shop on a ful...

Shopping

At the beginning of every new decade, I'm reminded of that old adage: never food shop on an empty stomach. Or, always food shop on a full stomach.

That way you'll buy only what you need.

By the way, you can have a full or empty stomach when you swim. The whole cramps thing is nonsense. But, if you're buying a swimming pool, make sure you drink some chlorinated water first.

I use this philosophy at the liquor store. Yesterday I went to the LCBO hammered and came out with only 6 litres of vodka. Way less than I normally buy. Saved a ton.

Helloooo Newman: New Diet

Helloooo Newman: New Diet: I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work. I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo. ...

New Diet

I tried the Keto diet. Didn't work.

I'm on the Speedo diet. I can eat anything I want, as long as I can squeeze into my Speedo.

There aren't many options. Styrofoam packing. Saliva. Huge gulps of air.

Or you know those performance artists guys who eat 6 pounds of metal, one little bit at a time? That's an option.

It works.

Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds

Helloooo Newman: Taking My Meds: As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds. The question is…what do I mean by "meds" . ...

Taking My Meds

As I age like a prized side of beef, it's important that I take my daily meds.

The question is…what do I mean by "meds".

There's two choices, at my age.

Medication

or

Meditation.

To medicate or meditate.

They can be easily confused. Both require me to hold still and focus on something. In the case of meditation, it's a sandy beach with Charlize Theron in a "therong". For medication, it's the wonderful feeling of pills distorting my sense of reality.

I have trouble swallowing the benefits of meditation. It's iffy, subjective, and boring. Don't ask me to close my eyes unless you want me to go to sleep.

Pills I can easily swallow.

They're wearing off. Gotta go.

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer

Helloooo Newman: Lawyer: I wanna be a lawyer so I can go to my tailor and say, "Give me a law suit."

Lawyer

I wanna be a lawyer so I can go to my tailor and say, "Give me a law suit."

Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013

Helloooo Newman: Ice Storm 2013: Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013. What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone. It kinda was...

Ice Storm 2013

Lots of people are remembering the Christmas ice storm of 2013.

What a crazy time that was. Many compared it to a war zone.

It kinda was. Well, except for the dead bodies, land mines, tanks and artillery, disease, starving children, destroyed buildings, the smell of death hanging in the air.

But there were a ton of tree branches down. One doesn't forget that kind of stuff easily.

Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time

Helloooo Newman: Bad Joke Time: What do you call a self-employed farmer? An entremanure.

Bad Joke Time

What do you call a self-employed farmer?

An entremanure.

Helloooo Newman: Own the Room

Helloooo Newman: Own the Room: Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.

Own the Room

Figured out why I'm always broke. Every time I walk into a room, I own it. Gets expensive.

Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus

Helloooo Newman: God and Jesus: It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus. I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Lit...

God and Jesus

It's Christmastime and that means I think a lot about…Jesus.

I wonder how He celebrates the holidays. Does He watch himself in The Little Drummer Boy? That's my favourite religious movie, mostly because I've always wished I could play the drums. If Jesus were a decent guy He would give the drummer boy a full spread of drums, instead of that rusty tin thing He picked up at a garage sale.

I suspect He avoids God during these times because He's afraid God will find some other place to lock him up in other than a cave. "Hey Jesus, I want you to sleep in this Smart car for 3 days. While we're at it let's put Noah and all the animals in there too."

"Ya, it's to save humanity again. Global warming and all that shit."

"What? Sure I could save them, but what fun is that? Infinity gets boring after the first 10 trillion years. Wanna play Jenga with the African continent?"

I like to think I'm smarter than your average religion, but have you noticed how I capitalize He when I'm talking about God and Jesus? Habit? Or I'm afraid They observe grammatical tradition very closely here on earth.

Recently I heard a priest say that you don't have to be religious to have faith. That's true, but not the problem we have in this world. The problem is you don't have to have faith to behave religiously.

Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare

Helloooo Newman: Swiftian Nightmare: Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published? I think we are.

Swiftian Nightmare

Are we in trouble when we are asking Taylor Swift her opinion on Donald Trump? And it gets published?

I think we are.

I mean, Trump isn't one of her ex-boyfriends, so what does she care?

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Helloooo Newman: Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me: Santa wrote me. Dear Paul: You do realize the words to the song are as follows, He sees you when you're sleeping And he knows whe...

Santa Claus Isn't Coming to Town for Me

Santa wrote me.

Dear Paul:

You do realize the words to the song are as follows,

He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake

I've never known you to be awake. You have to wake up sometimes if you want gifts.

Quit the napping.

Santa.

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol

Helloooo Newman: Favourite Christmas Carol: Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?" It's true. I am a ...

Favourite Christmas Carol

Being so Christmassy, I often get the question, "Hey, Father Christmas, what's your favourite carol?"

It's true. I am a father. And I love mistletoe. More than camel toe. I wear it just above my ass so people can kiss it. I make a list, throw it in the fire, and check it twice to make sure it burned.

Some people think this bah humbug act is an act. It is. It's also typecasting.

So what do I listen to while I'm throwing old Christmas tree needles at the elderly and getting hammered on Jager?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This. Trust me. It will put you in the mood. Or a mood.

Give it a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnRPDQCQMNU

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble

Helloooo Newman: Peloton of Trouble: Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad. I'd like to offer some words of comfort. You need to drink more fucking...

Peloton of Trouble

Hey, a shout out to all those people hurt by the Peloton ad.

I'd like to offer some words of comfort.

You need to drink more fucking alcohol.

You need to skip the tv commercials, like everyone else does.

Use the fucking mute button.

Pull that exercise bike from out of your ass and put your ass on the bike. Try losing 2 pounds. It's fucking hard.

All those years I wasn't able to fit into my fucking two-piece bathing suit. I got over it.

My wife watch the ad, and do you know what she did after?

She went on with her fucking life.

You want to be offended? Read this fucking blog.

Oh, and Happy Holidays. Hope you get everything you wish for.

Helloooo Newman: Transitions

Helloooo Newman: Transitions: My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they are are – contacts...

Transitions

My reading glasses are transitioning. I'm so proud we live in a world where they can stop pretending and be what they really are – contacts.

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten

Helloooo Newman: Top Ten: I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps....

Top Ten

I can't stand top ten lists of the best this or that or some other bullshit. You get a lot of these around Christmas. Top Ten bar soaps. Gee, think I'll get #11 for my wife.

Here's my top ten list of the worst top ten lists.

1. All of them
2. All of them
3. All of them
4. All of them
5. All of them
6. All of them
7. All of them
8. All of them
9. All of them
10. All of them

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn

Helloooo Newman: Food Porn: Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and...

Food Porn

Have you ever watched the Food channel on a full stomach? Just not the same effect as when you're hungry. It's like masturbating and then watching porn.

Meh.

Helloooo Newman: Ego

Helloooo Newman: Ego: It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Ego

It's a good thing I don't realize just how talented I am. I would have a huge ego.

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?

Helloooo Newman: Who Hacked the Election?: U.S. Intelligence agencies have admitted they made an error and now report that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.

Who Hacked the Election?

Republicans are now speculating that the 2016 election was hacked by Buddy Hackett.