Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: The U.S.military has finally lifted the ban on transgender soldiers. A bold and forward-thinking move. Thank God they still ban wim...

Musings and Woes

The U.S.military has finally lifted the ban on transgender soldiers.

A bold and forward-thinking move.

Thank God they still ban wimps.

No use in me applying.

Helloooo Newman: You Like Me, You Really Like me

Helloooo Newman: You Like Me, You Really Like me: I read an article on LinkedIn called  7 Secrets to Make People Instantly Like You . https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/7-secrets-make-peo...

You Like Me, You Really Like me

I read an article on LinkedIn called 7 Secrets to Make People Instantly Like You.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/7-secrets-make-people-instantly-like-you-sanjoy-kumar-malik-1?trk=hp-feed-article-title-ppl-follow

Instantly? Why the rush? Do you also need instant coffee? Wait a bit and the coffee is much better.

I usually give people a few minutes to like me. As I see it, liking me is kind of like enjoying liver. No one "instantly" likes eating liver. But then suddenly you love it.

When I was younger I gave people an hour because I had more time left to live.

If I meet someone really old, they get a few seconds because they have less time to live.

Adjusting for different time zones is tricky and synchronizing watches is a bitch.

I once got in a fight with someone on a plane because she thought we crossed the International Date Line and claimed it took her 24 hours plus a few minutes to like me.

Bollocks, I said. We ended up dating.

Alas, in the end almost everyone likes me very much.

For those few who can't manage to like me, I give them cash to like me.

Some call them hookers.

Helloooo Newman: Life is a Buffett, Old Chum

Helloooo Newman: Life is a Buffett, Old Chum: Some time ago I ran into Warren Buffett at a buffet. Between the clam chowder and butter on ice, there he towered. The single greatest ...

Life is a Buffett, Old Chum

Some time ago I ran into Warren Buffett at a buffet.

Between the clam chowder and butter on ice, there he towered. The single greatest investor the world has seen since Jesus invested in our sins.

The G-O-D of the G-I-C.

He eats food. Human?

As if: The lucky few who gave Mr. Buffett their last penny to invest when he first started are now worth 400 quintillion trillion billion dollars and eight-six cents. Minus broker fees.

That's the GDP of the entire Milky Way.

I had to say hi.

My body did a musical tremolo. "Hello Mr. Buffett (I pronounced as BuffAY), are you enjoying the buffet?" (I pronounced as BuffETT).

Moronic, but gutsy.

As I turned towards him – a friendly face – a huge smile – a hand out to shake.

I tried all three, to no avail cuz he didn't really notice me.

He mumbled something unintelligible, and I decided it was, "Fancy meeting you here, Mr. Hardie. Clearly those investments of yours are performing superbly."

Not much time. Can I learn something "investmenty" before we pass the banana cream pie?

Perhaps if I eat what he eats I'll absorb his wisdom.

His focus was unbreakable. He studied the option of roast beef or cedar plank salmon as if weighing driverless cars vs Uber rickshaws as his next investment. Knowledgeable eyes scanned the meal descriptions, only the relevant details pondered, ready to own the risk.

The hand with the golden touch reached for…the egg-white omelette? BORING. How can such an adventurous mind make such a safe choice?

Wait. Mixed in with the fluffy whites, am I missing the metaphor of a sage investment strategy here?

Should I? Egg whites taste like soap. What if it's the wrong choice?

I went for tried and true – spaghetti with marinara. It sprang off my plate and decorated the floor.

There's my investment strategy, I thought.

Looking back, I shouldn't be surprised security acted so quickly, in light of Mr. Buffett's importance.

I was on the street in no time.

If life is a buffet, I guess I'm destined for the Applebee's variety.

(Spoiler: Part of this conversation took place in my head only)

Helloooo Newman: Two Halves Equals a Whole?

Helloooo Newman: Two Halves Equals a Whole?: More and more I'm hearing that the world is divided into the halves and the halve-nots. I'm confused as to which is better. I...

Two Halves Equals a Whole?

More and more I'm hearing that the world is divided into the halves and the halve-nots.

I'm confused as to which is better.

If you're a halve, you can't be a whole. According to simple math, a halve cannot be a whole.

But are you better off than a halve-not?

Depends.

If you're a halve-not, that means you are missing one half - or - you have no halves, in which case you don't exist.

If you don't exist, why are you complaining? More importantly, how do you manage to complain, when you don't exist? That's some trick.

If it means you are missing one half, you are still the other half, which means you're a halve.

So the halves and the halve-nots are the same. Yet everyone keeps joining one group or the other and complaining about it.

What happens if I'm a halve and I go halfsies with another halve? The other halve becomes three-quarters. But I become one-quarter. I don't much like that.

If I were a halve and went halfsies with a halve-not, I would become a quarter, but would have the pleasure of giving birth to another quarter, if you assume halve-nots don't exist.

But I can't make love to someone who doesn't exist. You see?

Also, I miss buying popsicles for a quarter.

I mean, the ultimate goal is to become whole, isn't it?

If there is a halve, this implies that there is some other "missing" halve out there somewhere, since the concept of a "whole" exists.

Who was the last whole person we can identify as being "whole", and where did they put the sought after other halve?

Was it their better half? If that's the case, why is 50% of society divorcing their better half, only to become a halve, which as we've seen above, is the same as a halve-not.

Maybe if everyone gets married they will become whole. Wasn't it Tom Cruise who said, "You complete me", to Renée Zellweger in Jerry Maguire?

But then you have to join Scientology, a "religion" full of halve-wits, which makes you a halve, and the same as the halve-nots.

Maybe we're all the same.

Maybe that's only halve true.

Helloooo Newman: Colonel Sanders

Helloooo Newman: Colonel Sanders: Bernie Sanders is thankful he never joined the army. Going through life as Colonel Sanders reduces his gravitas. Speaking of gravitas...

Colonel Sanders

Bernie Sanders is thankful he never joined the army.

Going through life as Colonel Sanders reduces his gravitas.

Speaking of gravitas, or anti-gravitas (akin to anti-gravity), Sanders and Trump have more in common than you think.

Mr. Sanders agrees with Trump that global trade has hurt the common man, and on the news today he fingered one of the culprit countries as Chiner.

Do you mean China, Mr. Sanders?

Chiner.

Exactly where is Chiner located?

China is at the bottom of the world, and Chiner is at the bottom of China. They are both stealing our jobs.

Mr. Trump was a little hazy on Chiner as a country, but he was pretty sure he has the best golf course in the world there. Oh, but not better than the course in Scotland. The same. Exactly the same greatness. The bestness.

He did think that Chiner should join a movement called Chexit, seeking to leave a group of countries that insists each member eat Chex cereal for breakfast everyday. The Chex-producing companies are entirely populated by immigrants. That must change.

The earthquake in international affairs continues.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: It's too bad things go viral on social media. If things went bacterial, we could cure the more annoying contect with a strong rou...

Musings and Woes

It's too bad things go viral on social media.

If things went bacterial, we could cure the more annoying content with a strong round of antibiotics.

Helloooo Newman: BREXIT REDUX

Helloooo Newman: BREXIT REDUX: A jury found that the song Stairway to Heaven , by British band Led Zeppelin, was not stolen from the band Spirit . That same jury fou...

BREXIT REDUX

A jury found that the song Stairway to Heaven, by British band Led Zeppelin, was not stolen from the band Spirit.

That same jury found that the Island of Britain was stolen by the EU. They are thankful that Europe has returned it.

Helloooo Newman: BREXIT

Helloooo Newman: BREXIT: Hey. Britain thinks they're an island again.

BREXIT

Hey. Britain thinks they're an island again.

Helloooo Newman: Gunfight at OK Congress

Helloooo Newman: Gunfight at OK Congress: Congress is having a sit-in. This involves sitting in the chamber doing nothing. Today they will vote on whether to declare this &qu...

Gunfight at OK Congress

Congress is having a sit-in.

This involves sitting in the chamber doing nothing.

Today they will vote on whether to declare this "just another work day".

Maybe, instead of a sit-in, they should have a shoot-out.

They're fighting about guns, so make it a real gun fight.

A polite fight, of course.

Shooting holes in the other side's argument. That kind of thing.

The side with the most holes wins.

Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Congress Hall.

Then, there's always tomorrow.

Helloooo Newman: Shooting from the Childbearing Hips

Helloooo Newman: Shooting from the Childbearing Hips: Let's face it. America will never see sensible gun control. Much more likely is John McCain winning Standup Comedian of the Year. ...

Shooting from the Childbearing Hips

Let's face it. America will never see sensible gun control.

Much more likely is John McCain winning Standup Comedian of the Year.

And a parent's first job is to prepare their children for coping in the real world.

Soooooooooewww…I was rifling through my "great ideas" list. The one I keep in my back pocket for emergencies like this one.

Idea # 23: Pregnant moms should immediately begin mandatory shooting classes.

Not for protection.

The sound of gunfire can be upsetting, even startling, to many people. Sad but true in this day and age of 300+ million guns.

The earlier our kids get use to the swaddling sounds of automatic weapons, the better their reaction time will be for the inevitable mass shooting to come.

It's never too early for your little bundle of joy's ears to recognize the sound of mommy's voice, Mozart and military-grade hardware.

In utero. Or In Shootero, as the program is called.

That first successful pregnancy test should be celebrated with the squeeze of a Glock 40 across the tummy. It spurs cell division, and warns daddy to stay away because mommy will soon be in a bad mood.

"I SAID FRENCH FRIES AND PICKLE JUICE, DAMMIT!"

Sounds like mommy's got a gun in the oven, daddy says! I'll be golfing.

As mummy tummy grows larger, so should the calibre.

For the second trimester, a double-barrelled pump-action shotgun is best. Pump the two barrels, pump the two breasts.

Avoid obvious mistakes. When reading nursery rhymes to your "little gun", ensure the weapon fits the story. They couldn't put Humpty together again because he was shot to pieces with a 12ga 3.5" Magnum shell, not because of some harmless fall. It seems obvious, but moms make this mistake all the time.

Ha, ha. Relax, mom, it's too soon for contractions. That's recoil you're feeling.

The third trimester should be all automatic weapons all the time. Mashed banana and banana clips for baby.

When do you know it's that "time"? When the time between contractions matches the time between automatic bullets firing. It's so easy.

Congratulate yourself on being a responsible parent. At the movie theatre Junior will instinctively know that popping sound isn't the popcorn combo at the concession stand.

For the more enterprising mom, you could start a gun clothing store for teens called Banana Clip Republic.

Welcome to the new world, moms. It's out with Dr. Spock, in with some prosciutto and Shootero.

Helloooo Newman: The McCain Mutiny

Helloooo Newman: The McCain Mutiny: John McCain, war hero, Senator and french fry lover  (oops, wrong family) , issued a statement saying that Obama is responsible for...

The McCain Mutiny

John McCain, war hero, Senator and french fry lover (oops, wrong family), issued a statement saying that Obama is responsible for Jon Snow's death in Game of Thrones.

As Mr. McCain explained it to curious onlookers, Jon Snow befriended the Wildlings.

Obama failed to call for airstrikes against the Wildlings. Or better yet, put boots on the ground. The Wildlings were left to organize, fester and eventually pal around with Jon Snow.

This, understandably, upset the Knights of the Black Watch. Many of the Knights viewed the Wildlings as terrorists.

I see his point, although I'm a bit confused. Mr. McCain should appreciate the Wildlings, also called the "Free Folk", exactly because they are free. They are free, for example, to buy a Valyrian steel sword without a background check.

Nevertheless, this is another death on Obama's conscience, along with the victims in Orlando.

You've had a great career, Mr. McCain.

I suggest self-induced retirement instead of voter-induced retirement.

Helloooo Newman: Boiling Mad

Helloooo Newman: Boiling Mad: This will disappoint many of you, but scientists have discovered that drinking scalding-hot beverages probably causes cancer. Upon rea...

Boiling Mad

This will disappoint many of you, but scientists have discovered that drinking scalding-hot beverages probably causes cancer.

Upon reading this news (http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/15/health/coffee-tea-hot-drinks-cancer-risk/index.html) I immediately ceased enjoying my favourite daytime pleasure - pounding back boiling water shots with a sprinkle of mint.

I suggest you do the same.

It appears that drinking liquids at near-boiling-point temps burns the esophagus. I'm not sure how the tongue escapes a few 2nd degree burns. He must be smarter than the esophagus. I always had a feeling my esophagus wasn't too bright.

This means a hot bbq charcoal cleanser after dinner is out of the question as well.

It appears that some cultures enjoy pouring lava-temp liquids into their bodies. I'm all for cultural respect.

A long, long time ago, the Russian orthodox church insisted that babies be baptized in water unchanged by humans in any way. That included temperature. No heating the water.

Winter babies died from their skinny-dip in the near-frozen holy water.

Excuse me, do you have any baptismal openings in July?

We're all booked.

Some very clever church people declared "something is awry" and stopped the practice. Or, they ran out of babies.

Can we learn from this? Dunno.

I hear experiments are tired of being the bearers of bad news.

One experiment in Holland has taken over a lab and is studying whether scientists cause cancer.

Helloooo Newman: GREAT TITS!

Helloooo Newman: GREAT TITS!: It's the name of the bird, people.

GREAT TITS!

It's the name of the bird, people.

Helloooo Newman: Master Debating

Helloooo Newman: Master Debating: Debating gun control in the U.S. is like masturbating. It feels good, but it doesn't really achieve anything. After each mass sho...

Master Debating

Debating gun control in the U.S. is like masturbating.

It feels good, but it doesn't really achieve anything.

After each mass shooting, America loves to masturdebate.

"Did you hear he had a gun?"

"Really, where did he get it?"

"The store, I think."

"Should stores be selling guns?"

"I don't know. We could discuss that for a while."

"Let's do."

"Wonderful."

"Glad I got that off my chest."

Helloooo Newman: That Sinking Feeling

Helloooo Newman: That Sinking Feeling: What's up with these sink holes appearing everywhere? Is the earth developing a huge acne problem? I don't think so. I think ...

That Sinking Feeling

What's up with these sink holes appearing everywhere? Is the earth developing a huge acne problem?

I don't think so.

I think the earth is slowly gobbling up humanity.

That's what I would do if I were a planet, covered with "insects" that were destroying me.

As a planet, I couldn't starve or suffocate them, as much as I would like to. That would kill all the other nice living creatures who don't need air conditioning, iPhones and plastic water bottles to survive.

Think of it as a huge Pac-Man game, and we're those little dots. I just hope the earth doesn't start playing that annoying video game music. Drives me nuts.

That's why I prefer Call of Duty, Infinite Warfare, as far as video games go. Head shots make a much more pleasant sound than that repetitive music.

Unfortunately, the earth's aim isn't very good. It had a chance to devour Parliament Hill in Ottawa, and blew it big time.

I think this strategy was decided in a meeting of the planets.

Earth: You guys sure lucked out. No life. Giving these humans free room and board really irks me.

Mars: I use to have life. How annoying was that? I suffocated them all.

Earth: That seems harsh. Plus I really like whales, dolphins, elephants. So cute.

Uranus: Eat 'em.

Earth: C'est what, now?

Uranus: Gobble them up. Chow down on human civilization. Of course, you won't be able to poop them out like I can, but you'll be happier.

Saturn: Ya, eat them. I'll be watching ring side.

Earth: What do you think, Pluto?

Pluto: The way they treat me? Hope you have a good appetite.

Helloooo Newman: Alternate Universe

Helloooo Newman: Alternate Universe: Welcome to a new segment at Helloooo Newman: Alternate Universe . We take real-world events and imagine them happening in a different w...

Alternate Universe

Welcome to a new segment at Helloooo Newman: Alternate Universe.

We take real-world events and imagine them happening in a different way. This is how they happened in the "ALTERNATE UNIVERSE-verse-verse-verse." 

(cue bone-chilling music)

Today's episode is called: Mom Does the Hokey in the Pokey

We see what it's like if the mom who's child climbed into a gorilla enclosure, leading to the gorilla's death at the hands of zoo officials, went to jail.

Newman: You're doing 5 years for toddler climbing. Is that a fair penalty?

Mom: At first I didn't think so, but I've reassessed. Now that I've connected the dots, I can see how my toddler was destined for a life of crime.

Newman: How so?

Mom: It began at 3 months when he tried to climb out of his crib. At first I thought nothing of it. Then at 6 months he got out of his stroller. That's when I said, whoa, we've got a serious problem here.

Newman: What was your next move?

Mom: We saw specialist after specialist. One doctor wanted to break my son's legs so he couldn't wander (he was doctor to the Mob), another sought to remove large parts of his brain, still another wanted to re-enact that famous scene from A Clockwork Orange and show him climbing images while being tortured. All good ideas, but our insurance wouldn't cover it.

Newman: Did the police do a good job investigating?

Mom: Absolutely. They collected forensic evidence very carefully, dirty diapers etc. The Cocoa Puffs Boarding was particularly effective.

Newman: Cocoa Puffs Boarding?

Mom: At first my son wouldn't admit what he did. The police poured Cocoa Puffs and milk down his throat to simulate drowning. He opened up like a shucked oyster after that.

Newman: Clever. Why doesn't your son do the time? He's the one who committed the crime.

Mom: But it was me who committed the real crime - making a mistake. I took my eyes off my sweet boy for 30 seconds. Ya, it was to keep an eye on my other 3 children, but still, a mistake. Up until then my every thought and action was pure and perfect. I could predict the future consequences of my behaviour and everyone around me. Then, my mistake. You know, there are no accidents in this world.

Newman: What's your message to the moms out there?

Mom: You're next.

Newman: And to adults with no children?

Mom: Catch up on Orange is the New Black. Some day you'll make a mistake, and you'll learn to love orange overalls.

Helloooo Newman: Das Kale

Helloooo Newman: Das Kale: My brother is one of the many followers that worship kale. "ZIEG KALE", they shout at their secret meetings. They failed wi...

Das Kale

My brother is one of the many followers that worship kale.

"ZIEG KALE", they shout at their secret meetings.

They failed with super humans, so now they're on to super foods. The human penchant for seeking perfection and "bestowing" it on others never ends.

It's fine to say, "Hey, this food is really good for you, try it."

It tastes like the rug in my hallway, but okay.

Ardent supporters of kale consumption word it a bit differently.

"You should eat more and more kale. Eat it all day and night, Sam I am. Eat it when your cells begin to divide in the womb. Load up on it everyday in hopes of preventing the horrible, painful and early death that awaits you if you stop. We will make you eat it, so you might as well start now."

It's so obvious they're plagiarizing the blitzkrieg. The kalekrieg. Here comes the Kale War Machine. Eat it NOW, without pause.

Their war effort will not succeed. The bacon hordes are fighting back.

I joined the bacon hordes long ago. We fight for the right to food with flavour, and to a premature death. I wear my heart disease on my sleeve.

The kale-bacon wars have only begun.

It's breakfast time. On with the fight!

Helloooo Newman: Dream Box Office

Helloooo Newman: Dream Box Office: Am I binging on binge-watching? Should I send out an HBO SOS? I believe it's infiltrating my dreams. No longer do I have regular ...

Dream Box Office

Am I binging on binge-watching? Should I send out an HBO SOS?

I believe it's infiltrating my dreams.

No longer do I have regular half hour dreams that end and then another dream starts.

Currently I'm going through a long, 10 hour dream that's being released in weekly, hour long episodes.

It's frustrating. Just when I get into the story, the dream ends and I have to wait an entire week.

I don't remember signing up to have my dreams streamed to me like this. Who's sending them? There's no name on the invoice.

Don't get me wrong. It's a great series, um, dream. Lots of body parts are being licked, massaged and cut off. The writing is bar none, and the sets are spectacular.

The characters are a trifle weird. Mixtures of different real people, the strangest being a combo of Charlton Heston, Richard Simmons and Gandhi, with a gun barrel for a tongue. He sells pork chops on a planet called Lulumelon. Could it be my meds?

Last week my favourite character died and now I have to wait to see if she's really dead. This dream loves killing people, only to resuscitate them. Probably for ratings.

It would be so much easier if I could get the DVD. It's not out yet.

People are always saying, "Paul, keep dreaming." I will. I'm hooked.

Helloooo Newman: Trump Poetry

Helloooo Newman: Trump Poetry: Trump poetry is the best poetry. "To be or not to be, I'll be great for capital punishment" "How do I love me, l...

Trump Poetry

Trump poetry is the best poetry.


"To be or not to be, I'll be great for capital punishment"


"How do I love me, let me count the ways"


"Chicken is the thing with feathers, not Trump steaks"


"Two roads diverged in New York, and I, I built a hotel there"


"Shall I compare thee to a Mexican immigrant?"


"Rage, rage against the dyeing of the hair"


"Mexicans, Mexicans, everywhere, and all the jobs did shrink"


"Because I could not stop for God, He kindly stopped for me"


"Oh Captain! My Captain! Can't my big, shiny airplane go faster?"


"Beauty is Trump, Trump beauty. That's it in a nutshell, folks"


"O, Romeo, Romeo; wherefore art thou Romeo? Here's the thing. I've got lots of Romeo's working for me, and they all love me. Which one are you looking for?"


"All in all you're just a…nother prick in the great, great wall. No one can build walls like me"


"Rosebud"

Helloooo Newman: Mis (baby) Carriage of Justice

Helloooo Newman: Mis (baby) Carriage of Justice: Yet another societal miscarriage of justice. The zoo mom that took her eyes off her son for about 30 seconds, only to have the kid jump in...

Mis (baby) Carriage of Justice

Yet another societal miscarriage of justice.

The zoo mom that took her eyes off her son for about 30 seconds, only to have the kid jump into a gorilla den, won't be charged with a crime.

WHAT?

I don't know about you, but I'm uncomfortable living in a world where moms that don't surveil their kids 24/7, every second, are allowed to roam free, as if they're just…people.

Attention moms: let your kid climb, you do time.

Poor child. He'd be so much better off with mom in jail while he's consigned to a baby carriage until he's 30. Daddy has his girlfriends to help around the house (nudge, nudge).

It's entirely moms fault that zoos exist, and they invite people to come watch the animals, in enclosures designed by the zoo.

The investigation is closed? My sources tell me (on the Q.T.) that police dropped the charges cuz all the poopie diapers they collected (you know, evidence), stank up the lunch room. Scandalous.

For a better world…more moms in jail!

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gardening

Helloooo Newman: Beer Gardening: Gardening is one of the more frivolous human endeavours. My wife says it's great exercise. "You lose 100 calories digging ...

Beer Gardening

Gardening is one of the more frivolous human endeavours.

My wife says it's great exercise. "You lose 100 calories digging a hole."

I lose 300 calories walking to the plant store and gain 150 from the vodka shot I grab on the way home. I'm ahead 50 calories, and no gardening required.

I don't think gardens are showing up in health clubs across the nation, are they? Think I'll do some ab crunches and plant a few pine trees.

Is this a real conversation from gardens all over the world?:

"My, my, June, you've taken off inches. Have you been gardening again?"

"Why yes I have."

We can think of gardening as farming on a really small-scale. Except you don't have the bad smell and you can't get chewed up in a moving combine. That's a good thing.

On the surface, it's not really that difficult. You're basically playing with dirt, which anyone in diapers can do. Add some water and you're a step away from making mud patties and playing house.

So why do I suck at it? When I look at my lawn, I think, sure, dandelion salad can taste good – with the right wine.

They say you need a green thumb to garden. I tried gardening using just my thumb and it was a disaster. Might as well have had it up my butt, but then it's not green anymore, is it?

And what's with talking to plants? Am I a plant counsellor? "We can't all blame the weed for our faults, Mr. Plant. You have to take responsibility. It's time to leave. Put roots down in another backyard."

Flowers are like kids. You constantly worry if they'll grow up properly. I don't want more kids.

Oh, and by the way, for you pet owners, do you ever wonder why your dog buries his treats in the back yard? Maybe cuz you're digging holes and burying stuff too!

Okay, I lied. There is one part of gardening I love. Sitting on my ass and watching the plants grow. Day after day. With a beer.

Ah, now we've touched on a real passion of mine. Beer gardening. The beer garden is my favourite garden.

I've been to some beautiful beer gardens across the world. Beer gardening is easy. Plant yourself in a chair. Apply beer (which is mostly water) every few minutes. Relax.

Careful not to over-beer. The "plant" will shrivel up, soil itself and turn white.

Add Beer Gardening to your exercise regime today.

Helloooo Newman: Invasion of the Body Snatchers – 2016

Helloooo Newman: Invasion of the Body Snatchers – 2016: Updated script for Invasion of the Body Snatchers: "I'm not sure what they were, Frank. They looked like enormous iPods. They ...

Invasion of the Body Snatchers – 2016

Updated script for Invasion of the Body Snatchers:

"I'm not sure what they were, Frank. They looked like enormous iPods. They were making exact copies of people while they listened to iTunes."

"Isn't that piracy? Making copies of people?"

"Yes, Frank, it is."

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Back…

Helloooo Newman: My Wife's Back…: My wife's coming back and there's gonna be laundry. I'm so glad she'll be here to do it.

My Wife's Back…

My wife's coming back and there's gonna be laundry.

I'm so glad she'll be here to do it.

Helloooo Newman: A dog, by any other name…

Helloooo Newman: A dog, by any other name…: It's really cute and all to suppose that our household pets understand words. They understand dick-squat. Sorry to ruin the pet p...

A dog, by any other name…

It's really cute and all to suppose that our household pets understand words.

They understand dick-squat.

Sorry to ruin the pet party.

Sure, Newman will come when I say "Newman", but he'll also come when I say "Stuman", "Glueman", "Dooman" etc. You get the idea.

Said with the correct tone, Newman will also answer to "Shitface", "Hemorrhoids", "Rotting Chicken" and "Taylor Swift".

If he really understood words, when I have a cookie in my hand and call "Fetus Face", Newman would think, "Man, I'd love a cookie right now and my daddie has one, but clearly he wants to give it to a dog named "Fetus Face", which is a pretty strange dog name."

Pets, especially dogs, understand general sounds, voice tones and eye contact. Sometimes the syllabic makeup also counts. If I call him "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", he's licking his groin before I get to "fragil"

That's it for understanding.

Incidentally, the only name Newman wouldn't answer to was "Donald Trump". Instead, he held a town hall meeting, where tens of thousands of fans watched him fellate the staff of a Taco Bell. The chihuahua joined in.

There are lots of people who love to assign meaning and intention to pet behaviour, and that meaning and intention just happens to correspond to the way humans think. Because all creatures, obviously, strive to behave like humans. I try to as well.

There's a word for assigning human intentions to animal behaviour. Anthropomorphism, which, I think, makes a great dog name.

My wife also suffers from manthropomorphism. She tries to assign all kinds of meaning to my behaviour, and it's a complete waste of time. I don't even know what my behaviour means.

On top of that, I answer to "Cold Beer". "Come here Cold Beer."

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I was on the subway today and the lady announcer kept telling me that the doors will open on the right. But they kept opening on my lef...

Musings and Woes

I was on the subway today and the lady announcer kept telling me that the doors will open on the right.

But they kept opening on my left.

What gives?

Helloooo Newman: Do Not Leave These in a Hot Car

Helloooo Newman: Do Not Leave These in a Hot Car: Why do cars get so hot in the summer? The thermometer in my car says it's 21 outside, but it's 121 in the car. I bought some ...

Do Not Leave These in a Hot Car

Why do cars get so hot in the summer?

The thermometer in my car says it's 21 outside, but it's 500 in the car.

That's even hotter than my actual oven gets. Maybe I should drive my oven around instead.

I bought some raw chicken wings at the grocery store and half way home they were done.

Just great. No wing sauce. I had a open beer, of course. And was watching baseball on my iPhone. But no sauce? Come on.

Forget about dogs or babies in a hot car. Keep an eye on your meat products.

Last week in the back of my car was a totally over-done steak. Completely ruined. I would have stopped and eaten it if I knew it was ready. Next time I'll also keep a baked potato and some asparagus in the back just in case. Along with a set of steak knives and a nice tablecloth.

On the bright side, next week I'm cooking a prime rib in the car. Saves power.

Helloooo Newman: Wizdumb

Helloooo Newman: Wizdumb: In my opinion, those are the facts. You can disagree with my opinion, but not with the facts. And since my opinion contains the facts...

Wizdumb

In my opinion, those are the facts.

You can disagree with my opinion, but not with the facts.

And since my opinion contains the facts, you can't disagree with my opinion, now can you?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: KFC is sponsoring a UFC event called KUFC. Anagram lovers will not attend an event called FUCK. FCK Clothing is starting a university ...

Musings and Woes

KFC is sponsoring a UFC event called KUFC. Anagram lovers will not attend an event called FUCK.

FCK Clothing is starting a university called FCKU. Anagram lovers will not attend a university called FUCK.

FCK University is buying KFC and calling it FCKU KFC. Anagram lovers will not FUCK KFC.



- written by Anna Gramm and A. Cronim