Let's face it. America will never see sensible gun control.
Much more likely is John McCain winning Standup Comedian of the Year.
And a parent's first job is to prepare their children for coping in the real world.
Soooooooooewww…I was rifling through my "great ideas" list. The one I keep in my back pocket for emergencies like this one.
Idea # 23: Pregnant moms should immediately begin mandatory shooting classes.
Not for protection.
The sound of gunfire can be upsetting, even startling, to many people. Sad but true in this day and age of 300+ million guns.
The earlier our kids get use to the swaddling sounds of automatic weapons, the better their reaction time will be for the inevitable mass shooting to come.
It's never too early for your little bundle of joy's ears to recognize the sound of mommy's voice, Mozart and military-grade hardware.
In utero. Or In Shootero, as the program is called.
That first successful pregnancy test should be celebrated with the squeeze of a Glock 40 across the tummy. It spurs cell division, and warns daddy to stay away because mommy will soon be in a bad mood.
"I SAID FRENCH FRIES AND PICKLE JUICE, DAMMIT!"
Sounds like mommy's got a gun in the oven, daddy says! I'll be golfing.
As mummy tummy grows larger, so should the calibre.
For the second trimester, a double-barrelled pump-action shotgun is best. Pump the two barrels, pump the two breasts.
Avoid obvious mistakes. When reading nursery rhymes to your "little gun", ensure the weapon fits the story. They couldn't put Humpty together again because he was shot to pieces with a 12ga 3.5" Magnum shell, not because of some harmless fall. It seems obvious, but moms make this mistake all the time.
Ha, ha. Relax, mom, it's too soon for contractions. That's recoil you're feeling.
The third trimester should be all automatic weapons all the time. Mashed banana and banana clips for baby.
When do you know it's that "time"? When the time between contractions matches the time between automatic bullets firing. It's so easy.
Congratulate yourself on being a responsible parent. At the movie theatre Junior will instinctively know that popping sound isn't the popcorn combo at the concession stand.
For the more enterprising mom, you could start a gun clothing store for teens called Banana Clip Republic.
Welcome to the new world, moms. It's out with Dr. Spock, in with some prosciutto and Shootero.
