Welcome to a new segment at Helloooo Newman: Alternate Universe.
We take real-world events and imagine them happening in a different way. This is how they happened in the "ALTERNATE UNIVERSE-verse-verse-verse."
(cue bone-chilling music)
Today's episode is called: Mom Does the Hokey in the Pokey
We see what it's like if the mom who's child climbed into a gorilla enclosure, leading to the gorilla's death at the hands of zoo officials, went to jail.
Newman: You're doing 5 years for toddler climbing. Is that a fair penalty?
Mom: At first I didn't think so, but I've reassessed. Now that I've connected the dots, I can see how my toddler was destined for a life of crime.
Newman: How so?
Mom: It began at 3 months when he tried to climb out of his crib. At first I thought nothing of it. Then at 6 months he got out of his stroller. That's when I said, whoa, we've got a serious problem here.
Newman: What was your next move?
Mom: We saw specialist after specialist. One doctor wanted to break my son's legs so he couldn't wander (he was doctor to the Mob), another sought to remove large parts of his brain, still another wanted to re-enact that famous scene from A Clockwork Orange and show him climbing images while being tortured. All good ideas, but our insurance wouldn't cover it.
Newman: Did the police do a good job investigating?
Mom: Absolutely. They collected forensic evidence very carefully, dirty diapers etc. The Cocoa Puffs Boarding was particularly effective.
Newman: Cocoa Puffs Boarding?
Mom: At first my son wouldn't admit what he did. The police poured Cocoa Puffs and milk down his throat to simulate drowning. He opened up like a shucked oyster after that.
Newman: Clever. Why doesn't your son do the time? He's the one who committed the crime.
Mom: But it was me who committed the real crime - making a mistake. I took my eyes off my sweet boy for 30 seconds. Ya, it was to keep an eye on my other 3 children, but still, a mistake. Up until then my every thought and action was pure and perfect. I could predict the future consequences of my behaviour and everyone around me. Then, my mistake. You know, there are no accidents in this world.
Newman: What's your message to the moms out there?
Mom: You're next.
Newman: And to adults with no children?
Mom: Catch up on Orange is the New Black. Some day you'll make a mistake, and you'll learn to love orange overalls.
