Gardening is one of the more frivolous human endeavours.
My wife says it's great exercise. "You lose 100 calories digging a hole."
I lose 300 calories walking to the plant store and gain 150 from the vodka shot I grab on the way home. I'm ahead 50 calories, and no gardening required.
I don't think gardens are showing up in health clubs across the nation, are they? Think I'll do some ab crunches and plant a few pine trees.
Is this a real conversation from gardens all over the world?:
"My, my, June, you've taken off inches. Have you been gardening again?"
"Why yes I have."
We can think of gardening as farming on a really small-scale. Except you don't have the bad smell and you can't get chewed up in a moving combine. That's a good thing.
On the surface, it's not really that difficult. You're basically playing with dirt, which anyone in diapers can do. Add some water and you're a step away from making mud patties and playing house.
So why do I suck at it? When I look at my lawn, I think, sure, dandelion salad can taste good – with the right wine.
They say you need a green thumb to garden. I tried gardening using just my thumb and it was a disaster. Might as well have had it up my butt, but then it's not green anymore, is it?
And what's with talking to plants? Am I a plant counsellor? "We can't all blame the weed for our faults, Mr. Plant. You have to take responsibility. It's time to leave. Put roots down in another backyard."
Flowers are like kids. You constantly worry if they'll grow up properly. I don't want more kids.
Oh, and by the way, for you pet owners, do you ever wonder why your dog buries his treats in the back yard? Maybe cuz you're digging holes and burying stuff too!
Okay, I lied. There is one part of gardening I love. Sitting on my ass and watching the plants grow. Day after day. With a beer.
Ah, now we've touched on a real passion of mine. Beer gardening. The beer garden is my favourite garden.
I've been to some beautiful beer gardens across the world. Beer gardening is easy. Plant yourself in a chair. Apply beer (which is mostly water) every few minutes. Relax.
Careful not to over-beer. The "plant" will shrivel up, soil itself and turn white.
Add Beer Gardening to your exercise regime today.
