Helloooo Newman: Brexit in Bed

Helloooo Newman: Brexit in Bed: Maybe people would feel a little better about Brexit if its current leader, Boris "The Spider" Johnson, didn't look like ...

Brexit in Bed

Maybe people would feel a little better about Brexit if its current leader, Boris "The Spider" Johnson, didn't look like he just crawled out of bed after a night at the ale house drinking raddlers and chowing on fish and chips. And his bartender is his barber.

Get up early and watch the morning news so you know how many Europeans hate you. You may not have a pulse, but there's a political pulse to be felt.

Dude. You're heading up one of the cradles of modern democracy. Get a good night's sleep. While you're at it, take the Manga Carta to bed and give it a read.

No more Brexit in bed for Boris.

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: Whose idea was it to take the lamp switch off the lamp and put it on a 4 foot cord that gets stuck under my bed? Gonna move the light to my ...

Musings and Woes

Whose idea was it to take the lamp switch off the lamp and put it on a 4 foot cord that gets stuck under my bed? Gonna move the light to my underwear drawer? Are ya?

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes

Helloooo Newman: Musings and Woes: I wish they'd have National Dog Day on the same day as National Castration Day. Then I wouldn't forget.

Musings and Woes

I wish they'd have National Dog Day on the same day as National Castration Day. Then I wouldn't forget to celebrate both.

Helloooo Newman: Beyond Flies

Helloooo Newman: Beyond Flies: Vincent the Venus flytrap, pictured above, will no longer be eating flies. In a lone effort to save the planet, he is the only flytrap...

Beyond Flies

Vincent the Venus flytrap, pictured above, will no longer be eating flies.

In a lone effort to save the planet, he is the only flytrap moving to a complete plant-based diet. This is his last fly, and he's enjoying it like a death row inmate's last meal. It reminds me of Victor Feguer, an American murderer who requested a single olive as his last meal, before he was hanged in 1963. Simple tastes, indeed. Just like Vincent.

From now on, Vincent will eat a new product to the flytrap market – Beyond Flies. It looks like a fly, flies like a fly, hangs out in shit like a fly, might taste like a fly…but it's not a fly. It's a veggie.

"Sure, the other flytraps laugh at me. Even the flies think I'm crazy. They can flap their traps all they want. I'm busy saving mama Earth. I'm also not having children."

"Vincent's kind of the fly in the ointment, so to speak", said the other flytraps. "But hey, more flies for us."

"Have you tried a Beyond Flies fly?", we asked the other flytraps.

"I tried one. I can see how they are trying to simulate a real fly taste, but…nah. Pasty and dry. I couldn't open my pedals for weeks after."

Further investigation uncovered that while Beyond Flies are produced, they are often covered in real flies.

Helloooo Newman: Orthorexia

Helloooo Newman: Orthorexia: Orthorexia is the new term for people obsessed with eating "clean". In search of the perfect food, they are harming themselves. ...

Orthorexia

Orthorexia is the new term for people obsessed with eating "clean". In search of the perfect food, they are harming themselves.

I'm sure we're all shocked at that.

Treatment includes an onion ring and beer cleanse.

Fucking the Dog

The problem with having a dog walking company is that when I'm not doing anything, people assume I'm just fucking the dog.

I assure you I am not.

No dog fucking is occurring. None is taking place.

I love my dogs. As friends.

Got it?

Good.

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed

Helloooo Newman: Whelmed: I wonder if it's possible to be just  whelmed . Not  over whelmed or  under whelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have...

Whelmed

I wonder if it's possible to be just whelmed. Not overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but a healthy and balanced whelmed. What would have to happen to be just whelmed?

I think it was Buddha who achieved whelmedness.

We should all strive for this state of being.

Helloooo Newman: Netflix Dinners

Helloooo Newman: Netflix Dinners: It's about time tv dinners be replaced with Netflix dinners. Binge eat while you binge watch.

Netflix Dinners

It's about time tv dinners be replaced with Netflix dinners.

Binge eat while you binge watch.

Helloooo Newman: Seize the Day Carefully

Helloooo Newman: Seize the Day Carefully: Yesterday I seized the day so hard I had a seizure. It's good to seize the day, but don't seize it  too  much. It's dange...

Seize the Day Carefully

Yesterday I seized the day so hard I had a seizure.

It's good to seize the day, but don't seize it too much. It's dangerous.

Helloooo Newman: GOT a Job

Helloooo Newman: GOT a Job: If I lived in the Game of Thrones world, what kind of job would I want? I mean, if King of the Iron Throne was already taken. Running th...

GOT a Job

If I lived in the Game of Thrones world, what kind of job would I want?

I mean, if King of the Iron Throne was already taken.

Running the whore house would be fun, but keeping my bitches in line would be irksome. I'm too nice a guy. Plus I'd be too busy using my own service for any customer to even get close to it.

Fire-breathing dragon would be so cool. I mean, hot, but cool. Get to hang with the Khaleesi. Feel sorry for the female dragons around menopause time. The hot flashes must be wicked.

I've decided I would be a coroner. What an easy job that would be:

Coroner's report: cause of death
Body #1: sword wound
Body #2: sword wound
Body #3: sword wound
Body #4: sword wound
Body #5: sword wound
Body #6: sword wound
Body #7: sword wound
Body #8: sword wound
Body #9: sword wound
Body #10: sword wound
Body #11: sword wound
Body #12: sword wound
Body #13: sword wound
Body #14: sword wound
Body #15: sword wound
Body #16: sword wound
Body #17: sword wound
Body #18: sword wound
Body #19: sword wound
Body #20: sword wound
Body #21: sword wound
Body #22: poison…
All dead bodies: sword wound or poison.

Retire!

Helloooo Newman: The Secret

Helloooo Newman: The Secret: Why is it that when we interview old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life? It's as if they have some clue as t...

The Secret

Why is it that when we interview old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life?

It's as if they have some clue as to why they are still alive.

You might as well ask someone why they're so tall.

"Hey, you're 6 feet five. What's your secret?"

"Oh, it's a traditional method in our family. My parents had sex and gave birth to me."

"Hey, you're so thin-boned. What's your secret? Skim milk?"

And we always assume their answer is the right one, because it's their life, so they know.

The know jack shit.

We'll never hear this: "Hey, you're young, short, fat, stupid, drunk and doctors give you 6 months to live. What's your secret?"

"My mom was emotionally distant. Mind you, that was only for the ten years she was in prison. Maybe it's because my parents died when they were 16."

The problem is that people give all kinds of different reasons as to why they live so long.

"Well, I would always have a smile on my face and avoid stress." Really? I always play Russian Roulette with myself because I thrive on stress.

The stats are clear. If your parents lived a long time, you will too. Unless you're crushed by a garbage truck or poisoned by your spouse (check your coffee).

And we always ask these people nicely. But what we're really asking is, hey, you're old, why aren't you dead yet? You should be dead, you know. You look dead, that's for sure.

I did some research on people who lived to be 100 or more.

One woman put it down to reading a lot. Do Penthouse letters count? What about Twitter feeds?

How does that affect blind people? What about dyslexia? Do they age in reverse?

One woman gave thanks to olive oil – on her food and rubbed on her skin. Ya, but you know what? You look like an overcooked rabbit.

One man thanked his sense of humour.

Oh great. Judging from this blog, I'll be dead tomorrow.

Ruth Gruber, 101, said "look inside your soul and find your tools." Can vodka be a tool? What about atheists, who have no soul? Maybe they can rent some tools.

They never interview normal old people:

Interviewer: Sir, you are 101. What is your secret?
Man: What, sonny?
Interviewer: I SAY, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
Man: I secrete many things, my friend. You'll have to ask the nurses about that.
Interviewer: SEEEEECRET
Man: No, I don't get the Victoria's Secret catalogue anymore. Bad for my heart.

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Poker

Helloooo Newman: Facebook Poker: I wish I could like someone's like on Facebook. Sometimes I don't like what a person has posted, but I like that other people like i...

Facebook Poker

I wish I could like someone's like on Facebook. Sometimes I don't like what a person has posted, but I like that other people like it.

It should be like poker. I raise your like to an adore. I raise your adore to downright love and call.

I fold.

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible

Helloooo Newman: Mission: Impossible: Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers. Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible...

Mission: Impossible

Have you tried the new veggie burger called the Impossible burger? Selling like…hot burgers.

Be sure to try the new Mission: Impossible burger.

As you cook the burger, a tiny voice instructs you on your mission to save the planet. If you choose to take on this mission, take a bite, but quickly. In 5 seconds it explodes onto your clothes.

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field

Helloooo Newman: Outta Left Field: How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty su...

Outta Left Field

How come unexpected things always come outta left field? You'd think by now we'd hire someone to watch left field for those nasty surprises. How about a baseball player? He has experience.

"Watch out, something coming outta left field." ZZZZiiippp. There it goes.

Of course, if I were the universe, I would just switch to right field, to fuck up people even more. Then I'd switch from left to right to left etc. I'd try centre field a few times too. Maybe from the players box too.

Shit, now we need to hire an entire baseball team to keep watch.

Well, baseball players don't really do much else to do so makes sense.

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy

Helloooo Newman: Jiffy: "I'll be back in a jiffy." How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return? More impo...

Jiffy

"I'll be back in a jiffy."

How do we know how long a jiffy is? How long should I wait for this person to return?

More importantly, is Jiffy Pop really ready in a jiffy? How do I know unless someone tells me how long a jiffy is. All this time, Jiffy Pop could have been lying to us, with their popcorn that takes 6 or 7 jiffies to make.

Can I get a watch that measures jiffies?

How many jiffies will I live?

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment

Helloooo Newman: Erectile Embarrassment: Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it. So embarrassing.

Erectile Embarrassment

Yesterday I got a piloerection on the subway. I couldn't hide it.

So embarrassing.

But good to know I can still get them.

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

Helloooo Newman: Flush the Toilet Doggie Style: You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up? You've seen that, ...

Flush the Toilet Doggie Style

You know how a dog goes poo and then scratches the area around it with his back legs as if he's covering it up?

You've seen that, right?

Well, that's the doggie equivalent of a person flushing the toilet. So if your dog forgets to do that, be sure to yell at him. "Flush the damn toilet, dude."

If you have a male dog and he leaves the lid up, scream bloody murder at him. That's what my wife does to me.

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat

Helloooo Newman: Let's All Say Tit for Tat: In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases lik...

Let's All Say Tit for Tat

In this era where entire careers are destroyed for saying one wrong word in public, it's refreshing to know we can still use phrases like tit for tat and live to see another day.

A very scholarly looking gentleman on CNN used the phrase in the context of the tension with Iran. Here's part of what he said: Once you start getting into tit for tats, and the tits and the tats are often asymmetric…

Looking at this guy's face, I doubt he had in his mind a nice set of boobies. Breasts. Sweater meat. Whatever you choose to call them. But in Twitterland you can never be sure.

I think he's going to get away with it. What a nice surprise.

I'm going to use this phrase more often. In the right context, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause

Helloooo Newman: Guffaws Pause: I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I w...

Guffaws Pause

I applied for a job at the National Security Agency. I told them I'm really good at keeping secrets. For experience, I put down that I worked at Victoria's Secret. I kept their secret for ten long years. Oh, I was pumped for info. Nope. Not a word revealed. No interview yet.


I'm excited about this new jean therapy. Mine are all falling apart.


Cosmologists have discovered that the universe was actually made in China, and did not arise out of the Big Bang, as originally thought. Our universe is based on hacked plans from a far better universe that is great to live in and makes perfect sense. As punishment, the other universe has erected tariffs.


My wife and I are getting semi-detached. We want a divorce, but we're still friends.


My bank account needs more commas and less brackets.

Helloooo Newman: Bygone

Helloooo Newman: Bygone: I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that....

Bygone

I sat down with a bygone the other day and said, "Listen, bygone, you don't have to be just a bygone. You're better than that. You can be more. So much more."

He insisted that I should let a bygone be a bygone. "Give me space, man. I'm just a bygone."

I feel sorry for him with that kind of limited thinking. It's holding him back.

Remember, you don't have to be just you. You can be more than you. If you want to be.

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program

Helloooo Newman: 12-Step Program: I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

12-Step Program

I joined a 12-step program and then realized, shit, I'm getting old. Can't we change the steps to a wheelchair ramp?

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire

Helloooo Newman: Billionaire: There's no  "fucking creep" written all over this guy I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really r...

Billionaire

There's no "fucking creep" written all over this guy

I've often wondered what it would be like to be rich. Really rich. Like, a billionaire.

Hmmmm. I'd give to charity for sure. Buy a nice concert grand piano. Travel a lot. Eat at nice restaurants at least once a week.

I don't need a really big house, but I would like to live in a nice area with lots of trees and water nearby.

But what's left after that?

Hmmmm.

Sex trafficking. That's the answer. It's so obvious I almost missed it.

Now, how do I get to be a billionaire?

Helloooo Newman: Sleep

Helloooo Newman: Sleep: People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep. I think the world would be a much better place if...

Sleep

People say I'm sleeping away my life. Ya, well they're living away their sleep.


I think the world would be a much better place if we all just slept in.


I've slept with a lot of women in my days. A lot. After we wake up, I would ask, is it sex time now?


To sleep, perchance to wake up. Ay, there's the rub.


I eat, breath and sleep sleep.


I only sleep 10 hours a day because I'm a slow sleeper.


People warn me, you'll never get any exercise if you sleep all the time. Haven't you heard of the sleep cycle? I ride it 10 hours a day.

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age

Helloooo Newman: Difficult Age: I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't justify using a motorized scooters.

Difficult Age

I'm at that awkward age where I can't be pushed around in a stroller but I also can't convince my insurance company to pay for a motorized scooter.

Helloooo Newman: Job Search

Helloooo Newman: Job Search: Because I would not look for work He kindly looked for me —almost Emily Dickinson

Job Search

Because I would not look for work

He kindly looked for me

—almost Emily Dickinson

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment

Helloooo Newman: Motivational Moment: The kind of person I can't stand is the kind that describes themselves as "results-driven". "Results-driven" means...