Almost Never

Don't you hate it when people say "almost never"?

"Mmmm, this creme brûlée is divine. And I almost never have dessert."

Well, which the fuck is it? If it's even one time, it can't be never, by definition. You've either crammed a dessert down your gullet or you haven't. You can't have a little bit of never. Once your cherry is popped, it's popped, especially if it's on top of a chocolate sundae. Chances are someone who uses this expression has dessert before, during and after every meal and while they sleep.

Please, stop speaking "almost English" and never say "almost never".