Helloooo Newman: Dogtor Newman

Helloooo Newman: Dogtor Newman: According to the latest scientific articles, Newman can smell when I'm getting a cold long before I even know I have one. I mus...

Dogtor Newman

According to the latest scientific articles, Newman can smell when I'm getting a cold long before I even know I have one.

I must have a cold in my butt, cuz that's where his nose is all the time. Come to think of it, I do feel a bit stuffy down there. Taco Bell gave me a cold!

Newman is my family dogtor.

"Hold still, I'm taking your temperature."

"You have an exceptionally long tongue."

"Shhhh. Can you cough 3 times?"

"Can I get a second opinion? I know a very smart Lhasa Apso."

"You need bed rest and drink lots of toilet water. Stay away from solid foods, especially shoe laces and twist ties. Let's do a colonoscopy while I'm down here."

"I'm feeling very ill."

"Whoa, your face. Looks like my green frog toy. Let me know if you puke. I'll eat it. Time for your MRI. Stick your head in the microwave."

"You know what? I'm feeling much better. I could run a marathon. Starting now."

"Come back. I need to draw blood."

Helloooo Newman: Drink

Helloooo Newman: Drink: My favourite drink these days is a gin and seng.

Drink

My favourite drink these days is a gin and seng.

Helloooo Newman: Colonoscopy

Helloooo Newman: Colonoscopy: My doctor said I should get a colonoscopy so I sent him a copy of my colonos. Now I have to clean my photocopier.

Colonoscopy

My doctor said I should get a colonoscopy so I sent him a copy of my colonos.

Now I have to clean my photocopier.

Helloooo Newman: French Pastries

Helloooo Newman: French Pastries: Not sure I'll ever be able to stomach another croissant.

French Pastries

Not sure I'll ever be able to stomach another croissant.

Helloooo Newman: Jesus Drives a Shitbox

Helloooo Newman: Jesus Drives a Shitbox: I don't get the idea of hanging a crucifix/rosary in my car. Why? Is it like some kind of religious airbag? Extra insurance, apart fr...

Jesus Drives a Shitbox

I don't get the idea of hanging a crucifix/rosary in my car. Why? Is it like some kind of religious airbag? Extra insurance, apart from your basic car, health and life insurance packages?

"TODAY, PAUL (God speaks in all caps), YOU WILL NOT DIE IN A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT. THIS OTHER FAMILY WILL. I AM, HOWEVER, GIVING YOU A MINOR HEAD INJURY BECAUSE YOU WERE SPEEDING THROUGH A STOP SIGN."

If you examine a crucifix in a car closely (carcifix?), you'll notice it's a sharp pointy object that hangs almost directly in front of your face, when used religiously. Does that make sense? Once you get to the hospital after hitting another car at 100kph, might the surgeon find a crucifix lodged in your hypothalamus? Seems to me a distinct possibility. Is there one in the Popemobile?

Have you ever noticed that the shittier the car, the more likely it will have a crucifix dangling from the front mirror? Check it out yourself. Jesus loves the shitboxes. He would have driven one way back when. It complements the poor carpenter lifestyle. Probably a hatchback, to comfortably carry the cross while giving a few Roman soldiers a lift. A nice gesture, which is what Jesus is all about.

You will not find a crucifix in a Tesla, and let's face it, that car doesn't need one. It's already a travelling bouncy castle, with side, top, bottom and dvd player airbags.

I drove with one guy who didn't like to hang the adult Jesus-on-the-cross rosary. He preferred the baby Jesus. Damn thing cried all way to the cottage. "Are we there yet?" Shatup!

I've never seen a crucifix hanging from a motorcycle. Now, don't you think that's when you really need protection? You don't want to leave your brains in your helmet, do you? I guess Jesus doesn't cover bikes. Too much liability.

I suppose the presence of the crucifix is saying that Jesus is the real driver of your car, just like he's driving your life. You're just a passenger along for the ride. And you have no idea what the route is.

What makes more sense is hanging a little Mario Andretti doll from your mirror. At least he was a skilled driver. Isn't he the patron saint of driving shitboxes?

Me? I hang dice. Life is a complete gamble. At some point we all roll snake eyes.

Helloooo Newman: Solar Food

Helloooo Newman: Solar Food: I'm working on a new product. Solar food. Leave this special food in the hot sun and it will…get hot. Save the planet and enjoy a good m...

Solar Food

I'm working on a new product. Solar food. Leave this special food in the hot sun and it will…get hot. Save the planet and enjoy a good meal.

Solar food.

Helloooo Newman: Room for Cream

Helloooo Newman: Room for Cream: I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and they asked if I wanted room for cream. I said I'd like room for a nice one bedroom apartment with a ...

Room for Cream

I ordered a coffee at Starbucks and they asked if I wanted room for cream. I said I'd like room for a nice one bedroom apartment with a balcony for a cheap rent.


They sell cage-free eggs at Starbucks. I ordered eggs and demanded I get a cage with them. They don't do that so I cancelled my order and left.


I like having fun at Starbucks when they ask for my name. Sometimes I'll say it's XUB-7 and to pay I hold my eye in front of that red scanner. It hurts my eye but it's worth it. Still along the Sci-fi theme, it's fun to pretend I'm a Borg with a lisp and I say my name is Firth of Fourth. Or I'll order a R2-Tea2 in C-3PO's voice. When I'm in a bad mood I'll order a crappuccino.

Feel free to try all these fun things.

Helloooo Newman: Kicking Horse

Helloooo Newman: Kicking Horse: Starbucks will now sell Kicking Horse coffee to customers that it kicks out of its stores. Each cup will be very expensive, since custome...

Kicking Horse

Starbucks will now sell Kicking Horse coffee to customers that it kicks out of its stores. Each cup will be very expensive, since customers are being kicked out for good reason.

As you leave the store, the manager will substitute "you can lead a horse to water" with the motto, "You can kick a horse in the ass, and a customer too."

Helloooo Newman: Wave Machine

Helloooo Newman: Wave Machine: I bought a wave machine last week that plays soft ocean wave sounds to help me sleep. Problem is, I get so relaxed that I sleep too deeply a...

Wave Machine

I bought a wave machine last week that plays soft ocean wave sounds to help me sleep. Problem is, I get so relaxed that I sleep too deeply and for too long.

So – I added another sound. After a few hours the sound of a person drowning kicks in. "Help me, help me, I'm drowning – gurgle gurgle."

My CPR training kicks in and I wake up.

If for some reason I don't wake up, the person dies, washes up on the shore, and a police investigation starts. Definitely by the time the police are taking photos and combing the scene for any possible crime, I wake up.

If, however, this still doesn't wake me up, the police interview a witness and figure out a murder has taken place. They pursue the murderer. Then I wake up.

But. If that doesn't wake me up, then…

Helloooo Newman: eBay

Helloooo Newman: eBay: eBay is awesome. You can get some really good deals on that site. The other day I tried to buy the actual company eBay on eBay itself. It ...

eBay

eBay is awesome. You can get some really good deals on that site.

The other day I tried to buy the actual company eBay on eBay itself. It has a market cap of $39.88B, but I figured I could get it for a steal. I was willing to bid as high as $200. Then I was gonna turn around and sell it for an even $39B, but not on eBay, that's for sure.

Nope. Didn't work.

Helloooo Newman: Sportswear

Helloooo Newman: Sportswear: I get annoyed by commercials advertising sportswear, like running shoes. They always show some in-perfect-shape athlete wearing them. I ca...

Sportswear

I get annoyed by commercials advertising sportswear, like running shoes. They always show some in-perfect-shape athlete wearing them.

I can't relate to that. I need to know how they look only wearing underwear, and napping, cuz that's how I'll be using them.

And the high quality treads. Will they be able to withstand my restless leg syndrome?

Helloooo Newman: Misery Loves Company

Helloooo Newman: Misery Loves Company: You know the old saying – misery loves company. But lots of other things love company too. Love loves company. No one enjoys falling in ...

Misery Loves Company

You know the old saying – misery loves company.

But lots of other things love company too.

Love loves company. No one enjoys falling in love with themselves, except politicians and celebrities, or maybe you're masturbating.

Anger really loves company. What is social media, other than millions of people enjoying each other's outrage.

Obviously drinking loves company. Who wants to hang with a person that doesn't drink? It makes me want to drink more.

Sex loves company. If it doesn't, again, you are masturbating, and if it loves lots of company, you're in an orgy.

The only thing that doesn't love company is psychotic hermitism, like the unabomber. He blows up company.

Helloooo Newman: Scooter Libby

Helloooo Newman: Scooter Libby: Trump just pardoned Scooter Libby. What the hell kind of name is Scooter Libby? And what about his poor kids, Mo-ped and Dirt-bike?

Scooter Libby

Trump just pardoned Scooter Libby.

What the hell kind of name is Scooter Libby? And what about his poor kids, Mo-ped and Dirt-bike?

Helloooo Newman: Rewards Program

Helloooo Newman: Rewards Program: Helloooo Newman is starting a rewards program. For all those regular readers, Helloooo Newman will continue to be free. That's your re...

Rewards Program

Helloooo Newman is starting a rewards program.

For all those regular readers, Helloooo Newman will continue to be free. That's your reward.

For those that have never read Helloooo Newman, you owe me $10.99/month and you're way behind in your payments.

Helloooo Newman: Starwars

Helloooo Newman: Starwars: Instead of getting a coffee at Starbucks, I went to the new Starwars coffee place. I ordered a tall dark side. The caffeine was with me....

Starwars

Instead of getting a coffee at Starbucks, I went to the new Starwars coffee place.

I ordered a tall dark side.

The caffeine was with me.

Helloooo Newman: Heavenly Book Deal

Helloooo Newman: Heavenly Book Deal: I'm gonna wait to write my autobiography until I've died and gone to Heaven. People don't take enough time to write their biog...

Heavenly Book Deal

I'm gonna wait to write my autobiography until I've died and gone to Heaven.

People don't take enough time to write their biographies properly. I'm gonna set myself on a nice cozy cloud and ruminate upon my life. The pros, the cons, the ups and downs, and how many times I was picked up at a bar. That will be a very thin chapter.

I've worked out a book deal with God. He takes 90% of the proceeds – that's 90%!!. But He promised my book would be required reading in Bible class. Sales will be strong.

Apparently He has a book store called Indigod and it does a great business.

I plan to visit the local Cloudbucks for coffee, reading my book, of course.

Helloooo Newman: Stationary Bike

Helloooo Newman: Stationary Bike: I finally got around to reading the instructions for my stationary bike. All this time I thought I was suppose to be the stationary one whil...

Stationary Bike

I finally got around to reading the instructions for my stationary bike. All this time I thought I was suppose to be the stationary one while watching t.v., and the bike peddles around. The damn thing's broken, I figured.That's why the manufacturer kept hanging up on me when I called 20 times to complain.

Make sure you read the instructions, people.

Helloooo Newman: Eat Your Words

Helloooo Newman: Eat Your Words: Have you ever been forced to eat your words? I haven't. I've eaten some letters, though. Just like when I dig into a nice loaf of ...

Eat Your Words

Have you ever been forced to eat your words? I haven't.

I've eaten some letters, though. Just like when I dig into a nice loaf of bread, I stick my hand way into the middle letters – the soft and fresh ones. Screw the outside crusty letters. Leave them for some crappy canned alphabet soup.

Helloooo Newman: Mud Spatter Expert

Helloooo Newman: Mud Spatter Expert: I'm studying to be a mud spatter expert. I might combine that will serial killing, but I'm not sure yet. From a simple mud spatter...

Mud Spatter Expert

I'm studying to be a mud spatter expert. I might combine that will serial killing, but I'm not sure yet.

From a simple mud spatter on your car or boot, I'll be able to glean important information, like size and depth of puddle, walking speed, angle of puddle penetration, and whether you were out buying illegal prescription drugs or paying a hooker.

I can see that might get a little boring after a while. That's why I might throw in serial killing. Just not sure yet. It's a whole different skill set, really. Plus I have to decide on things like will I specialize in killing bad people only, or pick my victims at random, or maybe only kill people who watch the new Roseanne show.

Helloooo Newman: Death by I.Q.

Helloooo Newman: Death by I.Q.: A recent study has shown that people   with higher IQs  live longer. Read more here:  https://www.livescience.com/51829-smart-people-live-lo...

Death by I.Q.

A recent study has shown that people with higher IQs live longer. Read more here: https://www.livescience.com/51829-smart-people-live-longer.html

That's good news, I guess. But don't you feel sorry for the family doctor that has to tell his dumber patients they will die young?

Patient: Hey doc, everything dandy with my checkup?

Doctor: Mmmmm. Well, all the usual tests are fine…looks really great…still…you don't have much longer to live.

Patient: Is it a brain tumour? You can tell me, doc.

Doctor: Not precisely…it'ssss…a brain thing.

Patient: Come on, doc. Give it to me straight.

Doctor: Sure. You're an idiot. More than that. You're a fucking hammerhead. You have brain retardedness. You're a dullard, a dork and a dunce.

Patient: Seriously, doc. Be honest.

Doctor: A shitwit, nitwit and a ninny. A lunkhead and a meathead. A halfwit. Less than a halfwit – 1/1000 of a wit. A minus wit.

Patient: Stop beating around the bush, doc.

Doctor: A nincompoop. Cretin. An eejit and a lummox. A fuck-knuckle. A tomfool. A bleedin' gobshite. A witless wonder and a wazzer …in my expert opinion.

Patient: I see. Is that your diploma on the wall? The ink is running.

Doctor: Ah, shit. Didn't have dry to time. It's fake.

Patient: You mean you're not a real doctor?

Doctor: Are you kidding me? I was too dumb to get into medical school. A beanbrain. Dipstick and a dumb cluck. A dimbo and a dumbo. A space cadet and a…

Helloooo Newman: The Masters

Helloooo Newman: The Masters: I wonder if anyone with the last name Bates has played in The Masters Golf tourney.

The Masters

I wonder if anyone with the last name Bates has won The Masters Golf tourney.

Helloooo Newman: Finger Lakes

Helloooo Newman: Finger Lakes: I wonder if the Finger Lakes have an opposable thumb lake beside them. If someone tells you to go visit the middle Finger Lake, are they ...

Finger Lakes

I wonder if the Finger Lakes have an opposable thumb lake beside them. If someone tells you to go visit the middle Finger Lake, are they telling you to shove it?

Helloooo Newman: Himalayan Salt

Helloooo Newman: Himalayan Salt: I was reading all about Himalayan salt lamps the other day. Some of the benefits they deliver include: • Reduce allergies, asthma and c...

Himalayan Salt

I was reading all about Himalayan salt lamps the other day. Some of the benefits they deliver include:

• Reduce allergies, asthma and colds
• Ease coughing
• Induce better sleep
• Improve mood
• Treat SAD
• Purify the air

Okay, so I have a few questions. I assume that people who live close to the Himalayans, where naturally there is a massive concentration of salt, never have colds, never cough, always have great sleeps, always in a good mood, never depressed in Winter and never breath pollution.

Someone should test that.

You can also buy Himalayan pink salt and put it on your food. So let's kill two birds with one piece of salt. Instead of buying a lamp, eat some Himalayan salt and hold a light to your stomach. Boom, you're healthy.

Or, instead of buying pink salt for your food, cheese-grate some of your lamp onto a delicious steak.

These tips will save you money and keep you healthy.

Another alternative, which I rejected based on it being a logistical nightmare, is to drill a huge hole in the Himalayan mountains, lower a huge light bulb into the hole and turn it on. This way the entire world can enjoy these benefits.

Helloooo Newman: Lights

Helloooo Newman: Lights: I'm really torn. I want to get Amazon's Alexa. All you have to do is say, "Turn the lights on, Alexa" and she does ...

Lights

I'm really torn. I want to get Amazon's Alexa. All you have to do is say, "Turn the lights on, Alexa" and she does it for you.

But part of me is old school. I really enjoy turning my lights on and off with the Clapper – "clap on, clap off." It's fun, easy, and I don't have to speak to anyone.

Definitely not using the light switch. That's a no-go.

Helloooo Newman: Bits and Bites

Helloooo Newman: Bits and Bites: Remember Bits and Bites? And that commercial? "Next handful, a whole new ballgame." Did we ever figure out what kind of ballg...

Bits and Bites

Remember Bits and Bites? And that commercial? "Next handful, a whole new ballgame."

Did we ever figure out what kind of ballgame it was? I hope it's not baseball. So boring, to watch a new baseball game after every handful.

Helloooo Newman: Bible Tweets

Helloooo Newman: Bible Tweets: I think the Bible would be much more effective as a series of tweets than as a thick, inconsistent and painfully boring book. "In the...

Bible Tweets

I think the Bible would be much more effective as a series of tweets than as a thick, inconsistent and painfully boring book.

"In the beginning, God created the…blah blah blah"

Why not, "Lights, camera, action"

Boom. End of Genesis.

Exodus: "Cool pyramids but slavery sucks. #freedom"

Easy to read. To the point. No confusion.

Dude-eronomy: "#mosesrocks #travel"

The Gospel According to Luke: "Use the force"

Book of Revelation: "We be gettin' judgy on yer ass."

The End. Of everything.

Helloooo Newman: Reinvent Myself

Helloooo Newman: Reinvent Myself: I want to reinvent myself but they won't give me a new patent.

Reinvent Myself

I want to reinvent myself but they won't give me a new patent.

Helloooo Newman: Vietnam

Helloooo Newman: Vietnam: It's about time that veterinarians in Vietnam be considered Vietnam vets.

Vietnam

It's about time that veterinarians in Vietnam be considered Vietnam vets.

Helloooo Newman: Napouts

Helloooo Newman: Napouts: I've been substituting my workouts with napouts. No fancy equipment or $20 water bottles. I've thrown away my rowing machine and u...

Napouts

I've been substituting my workouts with napouts. No fancy equipment or $20 water bottles. I've thrown away my rowing machine and use a napping machine. Sure, it looks like a mattress, and some people like to call it that. I prefer napping machine.

I feel better afterwards and I can do them for way longer than anyone can workout. Sometimes I'll do a napping class, where there are as many as 9 people on the napping machine.

I joined the women's napping class.

Helloooo Newman: Easter

Helloooo Newman: Easter: Why is Easter a holiday? Isn't that the time God said to Jesus, "Hey, stop faking dead, up and Adam and get back to work."?

Helloooo Newman: Easter

Helloooo Newman: Easter: Why is Easter a holiday? Isn't that the time God said to Jesus, "Hey, stop faking dead, up and Adam and get back to work."?

Easter

Why is Easter a holiday? Isn't that the time God said to Jesus, "Hey, stop faking dead, up and Adam and get back to work."?

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Studies

Helloooo Newman: Sleep Studies: Studies show that lack of proper sleep can lead to an early death. They also show that publicizing this result has caused everyone to lose s...

Sleep Studies

Studies show that lack of proper sleep can lead to an early death. They also show that publicizing this result has caused everyone to lose sleep and we're all going to die early. Thank you scientists.