Today we are discussing a topic on many people's minds, those many being the silent majority. The ones who never seem to say anything about anything.
The cold button issue is ice cream.
Interviewer: What is your stance on ice cream?
Dez P: I like it. A lot.
Interviewer: Why is it important to support ice cream?
Dez P: Who doesn't like ice cream? It's cold, refreshing, tastes great. We are Team Ice Cream.
Interviewer: What is your favourite ice cream?
Dez P: Vanilla.
Interviewer: There has been some controversy swirling around the fact that you like vanilla ice cream. Are you a racist?
Dez P: Nope. I like chocolate ice cream too. And chocolate sauce on vanilla ice cream.
Interviewer: What about vanilla sauce on chocolate ice cream?
Dez P: Do they have that?
Interviewer: Nope. But would you support it?
Dez P: Yes.
Interviewer: What about other colours and flavours of ice cream? Are you the inclusive candidate?
Dez P: I've come out in favour of neapolitan ice cream too. One day I hope we can learn to stop enjoying the different colours and flavours and just think of it all as ice cream.
Interviewer: Post-racial ice cream?
Dez P: Exactly.
Interviewer: Does vanilla ice cream matter?
Dez P: Yes.
Interviewer: Does chocolate ice cream matter?
Dez P: Yes.
Interviewer: Do they equally matter?
Dez P: Only on Tuesday.
Interviewer: Do you think people should be able to strap a trombone to their body while they eat ice cream?
Dez P: Yes, if it's part of their culture. People come to this country to eat their ice cream any way they want.
Interviewer: What if their culture forces them to eat their ice cream wearing a trombone?
Dez P: I would advise them to try and substitute for a smaller instrument. Harmonica or something from the woodwind family. Dividing the ice cream population does us no good.
Interviewer: What about people who rob convenience stores with a gun, stealing the ice cream?
Dez P: Background check when you buy ice cream is the answer.
Interviewer: Do you think ice cream tastes as good as it use to?
Dez P: No. I'm going to make ice cream taste great again. I'm going to make a big wall out of ice cream, along with some bridges, alleys and highways. Cars will run on ice cream. There will be so much ice cream, the planet will cool down. I'll be great for ice cream.
Interviewer: Wow. I actually believe you. Are you here to apologize for your comments as well?
Dez P: Yes.
Interviewer: Do you know what you're apologizing for?
Dez P: No. But it's important I apologize.
Interviewer: Thank you. Next week we'll discuss bread.
