The Woman Who Shouldn't be There

I sincerely hope you've never heard of Kim Davis, which could possibly negate the usefulness of this article.

Kim Davis is the Kentucky clerk who refuses to authorize marriage licences to gay couples, even though SCOTUS said it is the law of the land. State law requires her signature to make a marriage legal.

The whole thing is supremely ironic – lots of people are getting to know her, and she keeps dropping the names God and Jesus into the conversation.

Problem is, God has never heard of Kim Davis.

We at Helloooo Newman interviewed God on the weekend and He was flummoxed over the entire controversy.

God: Sorry, who are we talking about?

Newman: Kim Davis. County clerk. Kentucky.

God: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Which planet is this?

Newman: Earth.

God: Oh, earth. You guys are still waiting for the second coming, right? Damn, you guys are on the list. You know, everyone is so busy these days. So what seems to be the problem?

Newman: Mrs. Davis won't do her job and authorize gay marriage licences. She says she's following your law, not Man's law.

God: Hmmm, a trouble maker, eh? I've had a few of those. Fired their asses.

Newman: That's what we here at Helloooo Newman would do. But then you get lawyers involved, and no one wants to bring Satan into this.

God: You guys follow the Bible, right? Ya, I don't blame you for the confusion. I never really finished that the way I wanted to. The universe was expanding faster than I thought possible so I had to rush publication. Came out kinda James Joycian.

Newman: Ya, lots of confusion on our end.

God: Well, just so you know, I never gave this, what is it, Ms. Slayvis? I never gave her instructions to embarrass the human race.

Newman: Davis, but close enough. Any instructions?

God: Sorry, can you hold for a second?

(Who Are You? by The Who plays over the speaker)

God: Sorry. Damn Martians. Want to be closer to the sun. That's not easy, you know.

Newman: There are Martians?

God: Oh ya. They always hide when you humans come poking around. Something  about foreign viruses.

Newman: Any advice for me, God?

God: Best thing to do Newman is keep the blog going and bring truth to the people. It's the only way.

Newman: Thanks, buddy. I'm on it.



"Who the fuck are you?"
Pete Townshend
— and God