I'd love to be able to tell them, but then I wouldn't be superior to them anymore.
A lot of men try to imitate me. I would say Ryan Gosling does the best job, although he lacks many of the subtleties that make me so awesome. Like my ability to fight off bears at the cottage with my bear hands.
I have to admit, though, that Ryan does have that sweet mix of macho, dangerous strength along with a gentle and nurturing demeanour. He can stomp someone's face in and deliver a newborn baby in the same afternoon. For me, The strengthy part always beats up the caring part when it's not looking and leaves it lying in its own tears.
Oh, alright. My secret isn't really that unique. My wife installed the latest male operating system in me and now I'm a smooth running man who behaves perfectly.
There are so many behavioural software modifications today's male has to make to be considered a proper "feminist" man that you have an upgrade to install every week. At $29.99 a pop I can't afford anymore upgrades.
And still, no app that will remove hair from my chest.
This week I just uploaded the Ryan Gosling "brooding" app and it's done wonders.
Women stop me on the street and ask me why I look so upset. "It's just not fair that women are paid 73% of a man's salary in the corporate workplace, and yet the escorts I use are so well compensated", the app answers for me.
I guess we can't go back to the pre-computer age. The "me Tarzan, you Jane" days.
Nowadays, my wife and I split everything. Even our pain. That's why I have a splitting headache all the time.
There are still bugs in my software. For some reason my laundry upgrade doesn't support colours, so everything comes out dishcloth grey. Now I've lost the privilege of doing laundry.
