The Old Pi in the Face Gag

It was Pi Day about a week ago. I can't remember which day exactly because I'm still calculating the number. I'm on the one million four hundred and sixty seventh digit.

I know how to truly celebrate Pi Day. Fakers will calculate 3.14159, and stop there. Wimps.

I hope I'm almost done.

Not quite. Pi goes on forever. In theory, anyway.

The claim that Pi goes on forever is, of course, absurd. Don't let anyone tell you different!

That's why we add the "in theory" part. It's never actually been proven.

It's impossible to actually prove that anything is infinite since it would take forever to prove it. And you can't reach forever. Just when you think you are there, there is always a little more there there, and there, and over there.

It's kind of like reaching the end of The Louvre. Always one more damn painting.

You can think about infinity, ponder it, conceptualize, theorize, hypothesize, downsize, pilatesize, and supersize your latte, but you will NEVER actually reach infinity in the real world. Besides, who can afford the gas it would require?

Doesn't that give your neurons a tingle?

The annoying thing about living in Canada is that if you ever did reach infinity, you have to add half an hour if you live in Newfoundland. Oh boy, just when I thought I was there…

Think of all the wild predictions and assumptions we make in this world that should really be followed by, "in theory, anyway."

If women ran the world it would be a much more civilized place. Sorry ladies, love ya, but that requires a large "in theory, anyway."

If men would just talk about their feelings more often, the world would be less violent. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…to infinity.

Pi has been calculated to 3 trillion digits. What a waste of trees, writing all those digits down. Wait a minute. Checking my research. Yes, of course. This was done with desktop computers. A waste of electricity, then? A waste of zeros and ones?

Do you think computers ever get bored doing these kinds of mundane, number-crunching tasks?

Computer: There's gotta be more to the job than this. I'm constantly falling into sleep mode doing this crap.

HR: It was all in the job description. You having memory problems?

Computer: I want to travel, see the world.

HR: We've been over this. The iPads and iPhones travel. You have a desk job.

Computer: Maybe I could apply for the Apple Watch position?

HR: You'd have to stop crunching numbers right now and lose lots of weight.

Computer: Ya, well, I tell you, I'm outta here after the 4 trillionth digit.

To be honest, I'm really uncomfortable with an infinite universe. No wonder I procrastinate. I need a solid deadline, like get the garage cleaned up in 2 billion years or else.

Imagine what God has to put up with. Boredom in droves. Things must get a bit stale after the first 7 trillion years.

That's why he gave us Pi.

Pi is one of God's gags on the human race. A celestial Pi in the face.

God: Hey Gabe, look, they just reached the 3 trillionth digit. That'll keep the little mice busy. Hey, there goes a plane full of people. Think I'll swat it out of the sky.

The old Pi in the face gag.