Hair Force One

The sound sputters to life slowly at first, pausing, shy, almost apologetic.

It comes to full life quickly as thrust power is delivered to its Mercedes Benz engine.

Hair Force One – go with throttle up.

The shiny black body of my wife's blow dryer rises into the air, shattering the torpor that pervades the house at sunrise.

No, I am not on board the US President's 747-pretender, heading to the Outer Hebrides as I choose from a menu of meals that use to be included in the good old days.

I believe I'm headed towards inner ear deafness – from that noise. The noise all Outer Hebridians can hear coming from my house.

Why so much noise to dry hair? My microwave can boil an entire bowl of soup in seconds while a baby slumbers peacefully on top. Not recommended by pediatricians, but doable.

If it's loud for me, imagine what my wife's ears are going through. I told her to slap on those massive head phones that the airport guy waving the flashlights wears? Talk about tough choices– good hearing or a good hair day.

My wife "flies" Hair Force One every morning. She must have a million frequent dryer points.

The reason I bring all this up is that I bought my wife a new blow dryer for xmas. What an informative experience.

One of the blow dryers the nice gentleman showed me was actually made by Ferrari. That's right, the car company.

I was pretty confused by that. Where do I sit? More importantly, where does the cute young blonde I pick up sit?

I had so many questions about this beefy blow dryer. Will it start when it's minus 20 out? Will it be recalled? God, I love that new blow dryer smell.

Can I take it for a test dry?

I guess we'll leave it in the driveway so the neighbours are suitably impressed.

All I can think of is the poor head that has to undergo the harsh conditions created by a blow dryer.

Sure, hair is dead – has no feeling. But the scalp? Pretend you're a scalp. Someone puts the space shuttle on top of you – and then turns it on. And you just woke up.

I hesitated in buying a blow dryer, but, like the American President, my wife is in charge.

Hair Force One is at her disposal.