I had to get some things straight in my head before I took this leap.
My Starbucks franchise will have one rule. All products can only be ordered using between 2 and 9 words.
With a 9-word maximum, this will eliminate the ability to order, and the hassle of making, most of the latte, frappuccino, smoothie and fizzio iterations that exist out there.
With a 2-word minimum, people who just order "coffee" will stop coming. Just "coffee" is a dying business anyway.
The word "please" will not count as a word, under certain circumstances. "Coffee, please" will not meet the 2-word requirement.
If you order a 9-word drink, and then add "please" at the end, your order will immediately be cancelled.
However, if you order an 8-word drink, and don't take the opportunity to add "please" (since doing so still satisfies the 9-word rule), then fuck you!
A special exemption will exist under the "Starbucks Stutterer Statute". Stutterers can fill out a form and apply for the use of more words to order. Of course, you can only use between 2 and 9 words on the form. No one stutter writes.
For those wiseacres who order their usual 14-word treat, we will prepare the first 9 ingredients and the rest will be donated to the food and latte bank.
The benefits of this rule are enormous, with noise reduction being the most important.
Have you ever tried to carry on a conversation when 12 screaming latte's, each with 16 ingredients, are being made at the same time?
12 x 16. That's 192 ingredients. We will not carry that many ingredients.
Speaking of conversations, the 2 to 9 rule will eventually extend to conversations. At first, staff will only be able to speak in sentences of 2 to 9 words. Each sentence must clearly have an end to it.
As the franchise grows in popularity, the staff will only say two words, "two" or "nine".
Customer: Hi. How are you today? I would like a…order is cutoff as 9-word maximum is reached.
Staff: Nine.
Customer: You talking to me?
Staff: Two.
Customer is ejected from store.
Eventually, customers will follow the same rule. Chose your words carefully.
As both staff and customers get more and more confused, everyone pretends they are on a Borg cube. "I am 2 of 9."
Anyone who asks whether we have anymore Sheryl Crow cd's in stock will immediately have their hearing damaged so they can never listen to music again.
Our hours are from 2-9.
