Hand Job

Do you know how I can tell that a job isn't for me?

When the job description starts out with brilliantly written lines like, "you are a superstar."

Really? If I'm a superstar, then why am I looking for work? Being the superstar I am, why would I work at your agency? I've never heard of you.

Another great line: "You live and breath design." Actually, I live mostly in a house, often outside, unfortunately sometimes on the subway and I breath air. Back on earth, I mean. Where I'm from.

My all-time favourite: "You lose sleep over the perfect design." Yes, an actual sentence from a real job description.

Nooooooo. I lose sleep over imaginary sex with Kate Mara and Anna Kendrick. When the perfect design pops into my head, I seem to fall asleep instantly. After the sex, of course.

Job Interview at my dream agency:

Interviewer: Hello Mr. Hardie. Wait a minute. Why aren't you wearing your superhero uniform?

Me: Darn, sorry. I had too many magic brownies at my daughter's birthday and I just completely soiled myself while I was working on the ideal design.

Interviewer: You do realize the job requires you to wear your superhero uniform at all times?

Me: Yes, of course. It's off to get cleaned. Consistent with my dedication to sustainability, a group of women from Pitcairn Island are rowing here to retrieve the costume, row it back to their factory, beat it with whale bones, and return it good as new.

Interviewer: Behold this wonderful looking ad. Isn't it beautiful? I can say confidently that over 50 people who simply looked at this ad were instantly cured of cancer. This is what we expect of you.

Me: Wow. So you're not just designing stuff at insane fees to sell stupid products. You really are curing cancer here?

Interviewer: Absolutely. All our employees are required to create a beautiful design that cures a major disease. You are on probation for 6 months. If one of your designs doesn't cure at least three people of a major disease, we will have to let you go. We require a doctor's note as proof.

Me: You know, I feel a mild case of syphilis coming on. Do you have an ad I can look at to cure that?

I was also diagnosed with thumb cancer two months ago. From drawing so many thumbnail designs. Do you have an ad to cure that?

Interviewer: Oh, Mr. Hardie, please. You'll be far too busy to worry about such trivialities.

Me: I think it's spreading to my middle finger. Take a look. What do you think?

Maybe my hand just needs a job. Can I get a hand job here?

Oh no. Do I have a bad attitude? Maybe I have cancer of the attitude.

One agency in Toronto goes by the name of The Collective. It's been my dream to work at a place called The Collective. One makes their individual mark there.

Hi, this is Captain Picard. My work experience includes living and breathing for the "real" Collective. Can I get a one-on-one with Counsellor Troy? Me like Counsellor Troy.

Oh, the wonderful job opportunities out there. Resistance is so, like, futile.