Beaver Anal Secretions

I apologize for the crassness of the Title, but I had to get your attention somehow!

Readership is down, so I'm left spending my days crafting intellectually enticing headlines that draw readers in, even if they know darn well that reading this blog is bad for one's health. Each article is full of gluten, a highly toxic substance that seeks to destroy mankind, and can cause diarrhea at any moment.

It's not your fault readership is down, because you are reading this. If you're not reading this, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

I happen to love gluten. When I go to parties and people bring out the seaweed biscuits or kale chips, I will ask for a bowl of gluten. It's surprising how many people accommodate this, but they usually put it in a little saucer beside the cat food.

Celiac disease has actually been declared a communicable disease in certain neighbourhoods of high net worth. Communicable in that everyone wants it. De rigueur is the term. A term that is, itself, de rigueur.

Lady #1: Excuse me, Miss. I noticed your really big stomach. Would you like to borrow my copy of Wheat Belly?
Lady #2: Oh, thanks, but we've decided I'm going to carry my baby in my belly. Sorry, is it showing?

There are other dangers lurking within Helloooo Newman. Nine out of ten doctors living somewhere have found that this blog can cause early-onset menopause accompanied by the urge to gamble.

So the genesis of this article occurred this morning when I was looking for a fine t.v. program to watch. On the enticing list of programs I saw a show called Lizard Lick Towing.

Oh my, I thought. I'm so glad that I've had the kind of upbringing combined with education, diet and exercise that allows me to skip over such shallow programming.

I "accidentally" stumbled onto the Lizard Lick Towing channel and was immediately hooked. The show is insanely addictive. 

The premise of the show is a husband and wife team (the husband looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter, and the wife does too) that drive around repossessing expensive cars. They live in the town of Lizard Lick. They don't really explain why so many rich people live in a wee town called Lizard Lick, when they could easily move to the bigger town called Meerkat Meadows.

I don't want to ruin the surprise of this particular episode for you, but it involves Mr. and Mrs. "Dog" repossessing a Ferrari from some rich guy at a golf country club. They actually get into a fist fight with the car owner, which in this town, I think, is everyone's way of saying "hello there."

At one point the rich guy, as he's cornered by Lizard Lick Towing's massive truck, yells out the Ferrari window, "Ya, well I'm better than you. I'll buy another car like this tomorrow."

You live in Lizard Lick, sir. Voluntarily. You are better than no one! 

Your personal stationary has the words "Lizard Lick" on it.

Operator: Information. What city or town are you calling?
Donald Trump: Lizard Lick. Hello? Looking for Lizard Lick…
Operator: Sorry, sir. The laughter here drowned you out. Connecting…

Anywho, I soon realized that watching this program was a guilty pleasure. Something I enjoyed doing but didn't want to admit to anyone.

Just like some foods, I thought. What is a really bad food I like eating that would compare to watching Lizard Lick Towing? (besides gluten)

This is where my expert research skills came in. I stumbled across something called castoreum.

Castoreum? Sounds like a casting call for a slasher movie about people murdered in a crematorium.

Nope. It's a food additive, used as a substitute for vanilla flavour. And it comes from the anal glands of the North American beaver (the animal, I mean).

I guess I should be precise here. Wikipedia explains that the castor sac, where this stuff comes from, are not "true" glands, as everyone seems to think. That's a misnomer.

I can't believe so many people have gotten that detail so wrong for so long. Just goes to show you the downward trajectory of our education system, doesn't it?

I've always enjoyed French vanilla ice cream. And this castoreum stuff is all natural, since it is found naturally occurring in an animal. I love covering vanilla ice cream in chocolate sauce, and apparently I enjoy castoreum as well.

If it were genetically modified castoreum, however, I would stay far from it.

Still, I think I'll switch to strawberry ice cream. Mostly because in my research I couldn't find any animal fluids that are used to simulate the strawberry flavour.

Next week, on Lizard Lick Towing…