The technology was certainly there. They always found time to keep an old fashion log. And they had way more to write about than I do. For example…
…I've never saved an alien civilization. I once helped a hummingbird that flew into our window and got stunned. Obviously his shields weren't up. As he lay there gasping for air, I gave an impassioned speech about the progress of bird civilization and the bright future ahead, as Kirk would do. The hummingbird was wondering why I was talking to myself and not getting him some water. I went to the replicator and said, "water, cold" and gave it to the bird. At first it gave me Earl Grey tea and I said, "no, no, no" and swore at it. It worked. But there was no final scene with the hummingbird thanking me and waving goodbye as I whisked away at warp speed. It pooped and left.
…I've also never slept with a female alien, as Kirk and Picard so often did. One topic Star Trek avoided was STDs. That's just negligent. We have lonely men in the space station right now and they have no idea of the danger they face. Did it ever occur to anyone that back when the Vulcans were uncivilized and rampant with emotion, they developed the pointy ears from an STD? The ears used to get pointy only when the Vulcans got excited. But they fooled around so often that the ears stayed that way. That should scare every man.
It's curious that the only captain who didn't sleep with alien life forms was a female - Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. She was good looking enough for sure. She was also quite smart and well read. That might have intimidated the male aliens. Plus she was very busy ensuring the male crew members didn't develop pointy ears like the Vulcan's (wink, wink).
What really prevented Janeway from getting it on in space was competition from Seven of Nine, the human-turned Borg-turned human crew member. When standing abreast with Seven of Nine, Janeway looked like a piece of drywall in a uniform. Put another way, one could easily confuse Seven of Nine's chest with a solar system the ship should be orbiting.
So, this is how I think Captain Kirk's blog might have sounded:
Captain's Blog, star date 3.1415…blah blah blah (rounded off to the nearest decimal point):
Woke up with a smashing headache and a strange jellyfish-like creature with flowing blonde hair clinging to my manly man chest. A cigarette hung out of its limp mouth. Apparently we had a great time last night and now it is dead. Died from pleasure, like so many others.
I guess that's why the crew keeps calling me Kirk Diggler. It's from some old movie but I don't get it.
Walked to my computer. Damn internet is down again. Nothing on cable, as usual. Thankfully, I could get movies on my iCommunicator. But the roaming charges, oh man. It gets so tedious during those times between saving civilizations. But it gives me time to work on my next civilization-saving speech. And my all important acting classes. I'm-tired-of-talking-like-this-all-the-time.
Checked my phaser. Out of phaser ammo again. Ammo is so hard to get these days. Last week someone sauntered into the cafeteria and vaporized 24 people with an automatic phaser. Apparently he was demoted to cleaning toilet sewage that was leaking into the warp engines. Now they want to have background checks before you buy a phaser. Especially for illegal aliens. Out of my cold, dead Captain's hand, I say. Phasers don't vaporize. Lowly sewage cleaners do.
Oh, and now the ship has elected a mayor to run the day-to-day stuff. His name is Rob Ford the 123rd. You can just see it written all over the alien's faces. Why hasn't the human race progressed further than this?
Apparently he wants to build a bunch of new turbo lifts to parts of the ship no one visits. And someone caught him snorting dilithium crystals in the cargo bay. After that, thankfully, he accidentally beamed himself into space and now, apparently because he's so large, his body has taken up orbit around the planet as a third moon. His brother is stepping in as mayor.
Anyway, things aren't so bad. Had an awesome breakfast at a new restaurant started by Apple Computer. Amazing this company is still around. I should take my next alien whore there. It's called iHop.
Real easy, too. Once you have the app, they download a pile of pancakes directly to your stomach. No annoying chewing.
The future rocks, doesn't it?
