What a Wonderful World

We live in a beautiful, wonderous and awe-inspiring world. But let's face it, we also live in a cruel, horrific and nutty world.

How do we deal with this dichotomy? We have dogs join our pack. I think dogs are the healthiest choice in this regard. Definitely vodka is not a good choice. From what my hazy memory tells me, anyway. Nor is escapist t.v. shows like So you Think you can Dance?, which was originally called So you Think you can Think? A good book or movie works, but they don't wake you up with a lick in the face and you can't tease them by, say, putting peanut butter on a part of their body they can't reach.

Dogs have a powerful influence on just about everyone. I bet you Jeffrey Dahmer, the sadistic cannibal killer, would not have eaten his dog, if he had one. I know, he still would have enjoyed pan fried human pancreas, but maybe more exposure to a dog, with the Dog Whisperer's help, would have eventually steered him towards calves liver, and then on to the healthier choices like subs from Belly Buster, an actual food place downtown. This "restaurant" is almost right beside an excellent and expensive Italian place called La Fenice. Been there several times. How did the La Fenice people react when they got the news from the restaurant doctor that a tumour, by the medical name of Belly Buster, was growing on their turf? Did they get a second opinion? "They are doing wonderful things for tumours these days", said the restaurant doctor reassuringly. The doctor goes on…"belly tumours often cause loss of appetite, so we can only hope that a few Belly Buster subs will have this effect on all the bellies that consume them. That way, we starve the tumour. Failing that, we slowly cut it out with your kitchen knives." Belly Busters really stands out on the street. So when people ask for directions to La Fenice, I think the La Fenice people have no choice but so say, "we're just west of Belly Busters. What's that, sir? Do Belly Busters participate in summerlicious?" The La Fenice people disconnect their phone.

What about Son of Sam, the New York gun killer? He was really bad. He shot people with a revolver called a 44 caliber Bulldog. How disgusting to besmirch the name of the honourable bulldog, even if these dogs look like they've been injured in a record press. Cute they are! I once saw a Pug and a Bulldog come face-to-face. They were both shocked, and with good reason. My God, I look like that? How much would that cosmetic surgery be?

Son of Sam claimed he took orders from a demon that possessed the neighbours dog. I told you dogs have a powerful influence. Of course this wasn't the dogs fault. It was that nasty demon. I wonder if the demon was there when the dog got fixed? A couple of extra snips and that might have taught him a lesson. Otherwise we would have had Max von Sydow reenact his priest role in The Exorcist, tie the dog to a bed and watch out for green vomit. Linda Blair would do those creepy sounds and talk about the horrible things the priest's mom does in Hell.

I don't think Charlie Manson would have hurt his dog. He may have carved a swastika in his forehead, but that could be cute if done properly. The annoying thing would be having to constantly trim the hair so people can see the swastika and know you are a completely psychotic, and proud, dog owner.

So I think dogs can help so many more people than the blind or the sick or the old. They help smooth out those crazy dichotomies in life. What dogs can't do is pass bylaws prohibiting Belly Buster tumours.